The list...
Posted 11-13-2009 at 08:34 PM by C. Hook
So guys, guess what? I left out about half of this list.
- The theater was full of annoying fanwarts who wouldn't SHUT UP during the previews.
- The movie starts. We see some stereotypical African hunters who, for some odd reason, look like they are high.
- Did I mention that they have no speaking roles beyond grunting? I suppose Michael Bay is either racist or stupid. I'm pretty sure it's the latter.
- A big group of aliens come out of the wreckage of a ship. They look like birds crossed with Egyptian Pharoahs. Not exactly Transformers.
- This scene is a complete ripoff of the famous scene from 2001.
- Now on to the actual movie. Nest decides to take down two Decepticons who have committed the awful crime of just sitting there.
- One of the Decepticons tries to attack, while the other one drives away for his life from motorcycle bots taking potshots at him. And he's the bad guy here?
- The motorcycle are supposedly female. To me, they just look like tumors. Robotic tumors. Real great job there, FX team.
- DAMN, Sideways is good... At slicing in half fleeing fodder who just want to be left alone.
- The actual destructive Decepticon is taken down. Instead of taking him hostage for interrogation, Optimus shoots him in cold blood. Real smart there.
- This is the GOOD GUY?
- "The Fallen shall rise again..." Jesus that was cheesy.
-Meet Mudflap and Skids, the resident racial caricatures that are fucking annoying "comic relief." As in, you're relieved when you get to stop listening to their comedy.
- Mudflap and Skids (Who, unfortunately, appear in this movie) get new bodies in a completely contrived scene just made to advertise three toys for them.
- Can't we ever have a political git who isn't a complete asshole/dickless? Ghostbusters is very annoyed at possible copyright infringement.
- Soundwave uses TENTACLES!!! CAUS he's Japanese, obviously.
- Seriously, tentacles?
- It contained a completely unnecessary slight against Obama that sent the TF fandom into chaos. Bad show there, Bay.
Ravage is a cat. Therefore, he throws upBakugan hair balls.
- You know what's funny after seeing a cat throw up hairballs? Showing a dog fucking another dog on screen! As if seeing it in the streets of Buenos Aires every other day wasn't charming enough.
- Despite burning a hole through the floor, Sam's allspark fragment can't burn through his incredibly tough pant pocket.
- ROBOTS COME ALIVE IN A COMPLETELY POINTLESS SCENE NOBODY CARES ABOUT!!!
- Really, is the dialogue between Sam and Megan Fox's boobs supposed to be sexy?
- An incredibly heartwarming scene between Megan Fox's boobs and Sam, during which the camera spins around so fast I started having a seizure.
- Bumblebee is mute again? I thought he regained his voice in the last movie.
-Sam's mom is obnoxious. Not much else to say.
-So, a battle that left a major city in ruins in the last movie was covered up and is now an internet conspiracy. I'm starting to get immune to bad writing by now.
- On the other hand, I'm still annoyed to death by annoying characters.
-Pot Brownies are obviously FUNNY! Because it's POT! Which is part of POTTY! So witty.
-So is dry humping a coach!
- Apparently, the college scenes are just there to forfil Michael Bay's futile fantasies of getting laid.
- In an incredibly unsubtle way, the booby robot (Hence, from now on, called the Boobinator) wants to get laid withMichael Bay Sam. This is a movie made to promote toys for children. Yeah.
-You know what? I take everything I said about how the sexual conversation between Megan Fox's boobs and Sam was the worst I've seen.
-Hey, big robot guy, guess what? I don't like you. Because, despite the fact that I have a massive bullseye painted on my head for killing Megatron with a deus ex machina, I think I can do well without a 28 foot tall heavily armed robot bodyguard.
-Guess what kids! As if the blatant sexual themes weren't enough for you, here's Wheelie screaming BITCH at the screen!
-At least the fucker gets his eye torched out by Megan Fox's boobs.
-It's funny, because Frenzy from the last movie was awesome, and Wheelie, his successor for small robot ███... Isn't.
-Sam has a spaz attack. Which is my way of saying this scene is completely normal.
-The Boobinator is trying to dry-hump Sam.
-The Boobinator has... Oh God, what the f*** is this f***ing s*** that is in this f***ing piece of f***ing s***? The Boobinator has a f***ing... Robotic... Tail... Sticking... Out... Her... A**... What has become of Transformers? Well, at least she doesn't have...
-Oh God, she DOES have an extendable robotic tongue. F*** you Michael Bay. I think I'm going to cry.
-So, no one recognizes the scantily clad girl is walking unscreamingly through damage and transforming into a robot along the way? WTF?
-Oh my God, Blackout is here! Blackout was awesome in the last mov... Hey, I thought he died?
-Racial Stereotype 2383402#: German Sadist Doctor Microscope. Not that I really care anymore.
-Snot worm is snot worm.
-Wait, Prime is taking on two Decepticons at the same time? THREE?
-And WINNING?
-Remember when they were an actual THREAT?
-Yeah, I'm guessing that this is just a way of giving the middle finger to Animated for its actual powerful Decepticons.
-What is with Prime and facial mutilation? First Bonecrusher in the first movie, then shooting Demolishor in the head in this one, now ripping poor Blackout's face in half and killing him... Again.
-Prime dies. Again.
-So, the great big powerful Megatron can't take on a few pitiful Autobots his followers in the last movie munched for breakfast? Running like a pussy is odd.
-Megatron beats up Starscream with his own arm, which is somehow fucking hilarious.
-The Fallen arrives, in all his cheeseball glory! He also takes out an aircraft carrier of the USA, just to show how EVIL he is in Bay's eyes.
-Somehow, the citizens of Earth don't look too surprised to see a giant robot threatening to kill them all on every tv screen on the planet.
-I must ask: Why didn't the twin robots do something useful for once and kill the conspiracy guy?
-They're illiterate. Charmingly racist. But G1 still wins the racist war.
-Hey, it's the resident scrappy of the last movie, Agent Simmons! Hooray!
-I wonder how long it will take John Turratino to get that gun before the next movie comes out.
-The Transformers have been here since stereotypical old timey photos have been taken!
-Why does Michael Bay think I enjoy the thought of looking at a pantless John Turratino?
-Or a near-pantless dickhead conspiracy theorist?
-So, they use the shard to bring Jetfire back to life... GREAT! Except, you know, they could have used it on Optimus Prime once they learned that it could be used in that way. Eh, this movie has more holes than a slice of swiss.
-Why is there a desert behind the Smithsonian?
-My Father is the First Wheel=Funny
Farting Out a Parachute=Not funny
Learn from the Master.
-Wheelie actually makes what should have been a fairly moving turn from bad to good... But we already hate him. Humping Megan Fox's Boobs' leg is just the final nail in the coffin.
-This part is so goddamn boring I'll skip over large sections of it.
-Really, do we need to see 5 consecutive plane takeoffs from an aircraft carrier? In real time?
-I like airplanes. I really do.
-More Twin on Twin action, and not of the sexy kind.
-Devastator appears!
-And dies like a bitch.
-He doesn't even have any weaponry, really.
-I suppose I could mention his balls (Or "scrotum"), but really, if the worst thing you can find to complain about this movie is robot testicles...
-Speaking of which, I now have a desire to castrate Michael Bay.
-How the fuck is the army surviving?
-Hey, guess what folks, I'm going to walk across 2 miles of desert covered in enemies that could crush me like an ant instead of doing the sensible thing and getting in the car!
-Rampage looks like... A robot tumor. Ironically enough, he was a crab in Beast Wars... Get it? Cancer? Hahahahahahahaha, I'm already as funny as the script!
-Starscream's tatoos are actually really cool looking.
-Sam dies...
Lonely fans will at least get to see Megan Fox's boobs cry.
-Optimus Prime comes back to life, unsurprisingly. However, he gets the totally badass honor of getting his ass kicked about two seconds afterwords. See, it's badass because he ass got kicked hard, and is now bleeding mech oil profusely.
-Like some vast, predatory bird, the Fallen teleports away and assrapes the US military.
-Jetfire is back...
-But so is
-Optimus Prime wears Jetfire's corpse without appearing very squeamish about it.
-"GIVE ME YOUR FACE!!!"
-Optimus Prime takes out the fallen in about a minute. Two at most. Way to go, big bad guy.
-He then unceremoniously dumps the corpse of the bot who saved his life on the ground and walks away. Way to go, hero.
-The last scene is a sunset. Damn, I'm sick of this movie. I didn't even stick for the credits.
You see, it takes a very bad movie to make me waste my time with a list this long.
- The theater was full of annoying fanwarts who wouldn't SHUT UP during the previews.
- The movie starts. We see some stereotypical African hunters who, for some odd reason, look like they are high.
- Did I mention that they have no speaking roles beyond grunting? I suppose Michael Bay is either racist or stupid. I'm pretty sure it's the latter.
- A big group of aliens come out of the wreckage of a ship. They look like birds crossed with Egyptian Pharoahs. Not exactly Transformers.
- This scene is a complete ripoff of the famous scene from 2001.
- Now on to the actual movie. Nest decides to take down two Decepticons who have committed the awful crime of just sitting there.
- One of the Decepticons tries to attack, while the other one drives away for his life from motorcycle bots taking potshots at him. And he's the bad guy here?
- The motorcycle are supposedly female. To me, they just look like tumors. Robotic tumors. Real great job there, FX team.
- DAMN, Sideways is good... At slicing in half fleeing fodder who just want to be left alone.
- The actual destructive Decepticon is taken down. Instead of taking him hostage for interrogation, Optimus shoots him in cold blood. Real smart there.
- This is the GOOD GUY?
- "The Fallen shall rise again..." Jesus that was cheesy.
-Meet Mudflap and Skids, the resident racial caricatures that are fucking annoying "comic relief." As in, you're relieved when you get to stop listening to their comedy.
- Mudflap and Skids (Who, unfortunately, appear in this movie) get new bodies in a completely contrived scene just made to advertise three toys for them.
- Can't we ever have a political git who isn't a complete asshole/dickless? Ghostbusters is very annoyed at possible copyright infringement.
- Soundwave uses TENTACLES!!! CAUS he's Japanese, obviously.
- Seriously, tentacles?
- It contained a completely unnecessary slight against Obama that sent the TF fandom into chaos. Bad show there, Bay.
Ravage is a cat. Therefore, he throws up
- You know what's funny after seeing a cat throw up hairballs? Showing a dog fucking another dog on screen! As if seeing it in the streets of Buenos Aires every other day wasn't charming enough.
- Despite burning a hole through the floor, Sam's allspark fragment can't burn through his incredibly tough pant pocket.
- ROBOTS COME ALIVE IN A COMPLETELY POINTLESS SCENE NOBODY CARES ABOUT!!!
- Really, is the dialogue between Sam and Megan Fox's boobs supposed to be sexy?
- An incredibly heartwarming scene between Megan Fox's boobs and Sam, during which the camera spins around so fast I started having a seizure.
- Bumblebee is mute again? I thought he regained his voice in the last movie.
-Sam's mom is obnoxious. Not much else to say.
-So, a battle that left a major city in ruins in the last movie was covered up and is now an internet conspiracy. I'm starting to get immune to bad writing by now.
- On the other hand, I'm still annoyed to death by annoying characters.
-Pot Brownies are obviously FUNNY! Because it's POT! Which is part of POTTY! So witty.
-So is dry humping a coach!
- Apparently, the college scenes are just there to forfil Michael Bay's futile fantasies of getting laid.
- In an incredibly unsubtle way, the booby robot (Hence, from now on, called the Boobinator) wants to get laid with
-You know what? I take everything I said about how the sexual conversation between Megan Fox's boobs and Sam was the worst I've seen.
-Hey, big robot guy, guess what? I don't like you. Because, despite the fact that I have a massive bullseye painted on my head for killing Megatron with a deus ex machina, I think I can do well without a 28 foot tall heavily armed robot bodyguard.
-Guess what kids! As if the blatant sexual themes weren't enough for you, here's Wheelie screaming BITCH at the screen!
-At least the fucker gets his eye torched out by Megan Fox's boobs.
-It's funny, because Frenzy from the last movie was awesome, and Wheelie, his successor for small robot ███... Isn't.
-Sam has a spaz attack. Which is my way of saying this scene is completely normal.
-The Boobinator is trying to dry-hump Sam.
-The Boobinator has... Oh God, what the f*** is this f***ing s*** that is in this f***ing piece of f***ing s***? The Boobinator has a f***ing... Robotic... Tail... Sticking... Out... Her... A**... What has become of Transformers? Well, at least she doesn't have...
-Oh God, she DOES have an extendable robotic tongue. F*** you Michael Bay. I think I'm going to cry.
-So, no one recognizes the scantily clad girl is walking unscreamingly through damage and transforming into a robot along the way? WTF?
-Oh my God, Blackout is here! Blackout was awesome in the last mov... Hey, I thought he died?
-Racial Stereotype 2383402#: German Sadist Doctor Microscope. Not that I really care anymore.
-Snot worm is snot worm.
-Wait, Prime is taking on two Decepticons at the same time? THREE?
-And WINNING?
-Remember when they were an actual THREAT?
-Yeah, I'm guessing that this is just a way of giving the middle finger to Animated for its actual powerful Decepticons.
-What is with Prime and facial mutilation? First Bonecrusher in the first movie, then shooting Demolishor in the head in this one, now ripping poor Blackout's face in half and killing him... Again.
-Prime dies. Again.
-So, the great big powerful Megatron can't take on a few pitiful Autobots his followers in the last movie munched for breakfast? Running like a pussy is odd.
-Megatron beats up Starscream with his own arm, which is somehow fucking hilarious.
-The Fallen arrives, in all his cheeseball glory! He also takes out an aircraft carrier of the USA, just to show how EVIL he is in Bay's eyes.
-Somehow, the citizens of Earth don't look too surprised to see a giant robot threatening to kill them all on every tv screen on the planet.
-I must ask: Why didn't the twin robots do something useful for once and kill the conspiracy guy?
-They're illiterate. Charmingly racist. But G1 still wins the racist war.
-Hey, it's the resident scrappy of the last movie, Agent Simmons! Hooray!
-I wonder how long it will take John Turratino to get that gun before the next movie comes out.
-The Transformers have been here since stereotypical old timey photos have been taken!
-Why does Michael Bay think I enjoy the thought of looking at a pantless John Turratino?
-Or a near-pantless dickhead conspiracy theorist?
-So, they use the shard to bring Jetfire back to life... GREAT! Except, you know, they could have used it on Optimus Prime once they learned that it could be used in that way. Eh, this movie has more holes than a slice of swiss.
-Why is there a desert behind the Smithsonian?
-My Father is the First Wheel=Funny
Farting Out a Parachute=Not funny
Learn from the Master.
-Wheelie actually makes what should have been a fairly moving turn from bad to good... But we already hate him. Humping Megan Fox's Boobs' leg is just the final nail in the coffin.
-This part is so goddamn boring I'll skip over large sections of it.
-Really, do we need to see 5 consecutive plane takeoffs from an aircraft carrier? In real time?
-I like airplanes. I really do.
-More Twin on Twin action, and not of the sexy kind.
-Devastator appears!
-And dies like a bitch.
-He doesn't even have any weaponry, really.
-I suppose I could mention his balls (Or "scrotum"), but really, if the worst thing you can find to complain about this movie is robot testicles...
-Speaking of which, I now have a desire to castrate Michael Bay.
-How the fuck is the army surviving?
-Hey, guess what folks, I'm going to walk across 2 miles of desert covered in enemies that could crush me like an ant instead of doing the sensible thing and getting in the car!
-Rampage looks like... A robot tumor. Ironically enough, he was a crab in Beast Wars... Get it? Cancer? Hahahahahahahaha, I'm already as funny as the script!
-Starscream's tatoos are actually really cool looking.
-Sam dies...
-Optimus Prime comes back to life, unsurprisingly. However, he gets the totally badass honor of getting his ass kicked about two seconds afterwords. See, it's badass because he ass got kicked hard, and is now bleeding mech oil profusely.
-Like some vast, predatory bird, the Fallen teleports away and assrapes the US military.
-Jetfire is back...
-But so is
Spoiler:
-Optimus Prime wears Jetfire's corpse without appearing very squeamish about it.
-"GIVE ME YOUR FACE!!!"
-Optimus Prime takes out the fallen in about a minute. Two at most. Way to go, big bad guy.
-He then unceremoniously dumps the corpse of the bot who saved his life on the ground and walks away. Way to go, hero.
-The last scene is a sunset. Damn, I'm sick of this movie. I didn't even stick for the credits.
You see, it takes a very bad movie to make me waste my time with a list this long.
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Recent Blog Entries by C. Hook
- The list... (11-13-2009)
- As 2012 comes out... (11-13-2009)
- Cheese (09-12-2009)
- Obnoxious Days, But A Confident Start. (06-05-2008)
