BOOK OF HONDO (NOT Naruto-related) [Archive]

neko-sennin

11-05-2005, 11:45 PM

BOOK 0— HONDO
Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo.
Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo.
Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo.
Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo.
Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo.
Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo.
Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hindu. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo.
Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo.
Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo.
Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo.
Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo.
Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Honda. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo.
Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo.
Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo.
Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo.
Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo.
Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo.
Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo.
HeLLo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo.
Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo.
Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo.
Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo.
Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo.
Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo.
Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo.
Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. HFI L. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo.
Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo.
Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo.
Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo.
Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo.
Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hippo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo.
Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo.
Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo.
Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo.
Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Nykto. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo.
Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo.
Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo.
Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo.
Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo.
Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo.
Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo.
Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hero0. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo.
Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo.
Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo.
Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo.
Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Harpo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo.
Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo. Hondo.

NEXT TIME: The Book of Hondo (For Real)...
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neko-sennin

11-05-2005, 11:52 PM

THE BOOK OF SCOOT (THE BEGINNING)
(’CAUSE IT’S A GOOD PLACE TO START)
In the beginning, there was something.

But no one knoweth what it was, yet, though no one knoweth what it was, it is said to have been good.

Very, very good.

Whatever it was, it was so good, the Ancient Gods didst fight and kill the Titans over it, though no one knoweth from whence the Titans came.

It was damn good.

To celebrate their brutal victory, all of the Ancient Gods didst get together and have a great feast.

From Egypt came the Sun God Aman Ra; Osiris, God of the Dead, and his wife, Isis, and baby Horus; the dreaded Set; Anubis, the Jackal of the Netherworld; that bird-brain moon-god, Thoth; Ptah the artisan of Memphis (the only one who didst not look like he was dressed for Halloween) and his lion-headed wife, Sekhmet the Plague-Bringer; Hathor the Feminist, and Goddess of Free Love; and so came their entourage.

From Olympus came Zeus the Thunderer and his lovely wife Hera (and hanging on his arm, of course, the young intern nymph, Monica); Poseidon, Ruler of the Seas; Hades of the Underworld, and his gangland cronies, as well as the beautiful Persephone (custody case still pending); Pallas Athena, bespectacled Goddess of Wisdom, and her two beautiful sisters, Aphrodite, the Slut of the Gods, and Artemis the mighty virgin Huntress; Ares, the God of War, and his Joint Chiefs of Staff; and Dionysus, the God of Partying Down, as there is no such thing as a great party without him; and so came their entourage.

From Asgard (where they still didst battle the Frost Giants over Whatever It Was), came wise one-eyed Odin, and his wife, Frigga; and Thor of the Whomping Hammer and his wife, Sif; Loki, the Doer of Good and the Doer of Evil; the venturesome god, Frey and his sister, Freya; the great swordsman Tyr; Iduna, Keeper of the Golden Apples of Eternal Youth, and her husband, Bragi, the God whose tales have no end; Baldur the Innocent and his blind brother, Hödur; as well as Epona, the Celtic Goddess of Horses; and so came their entourage.

From Babylon came Anu of the North Star; Enlil, who lost the Tablets of Destiny to his gambling habit; Ishtar, Goddess of Love and War; the Rainmaker Adad; Girru, the God of Fire; from Arabia came Ahura Mazda, the Source of all Goodness and Light, and his shadow, Ahriman, the God of Evil; from Africa, the trickster Eshu; and so came their entourage.

From the Far East came Brahma the Creator: Vishnu the Preserver; and Kali the Destroyer, the multi-armed Death Goddess; the Jade Emperor and his entourage; the Merciful Goddess, Kuan Yin, the War Prince Nataku, and Lao Tsu with his latest alchemic creations; the Monkey King, and Great Sage Equal to Heaven, Son Goku, and his monkey entourage; Ganesha, the God of Worldly Wisdom; Mu King, God of Yang, and Hsi Wang Mu, Goddess of Yin; the lightning god Rayden, greatest fighter of the Elder Gods; Dai-koku, God of Wealth; and so came their entourage.

And from the largely uncharted Western Hemisphere came the War God Huitzilopochtli; Miclantecutli, God of the Dead; Huiracocha, the Sun God; Gucumatz, the Plumed Serpent; Ikto, Creator of Words; the great Thunderbird Wakinyan; Kokopelli, the Spirit of Music and Creativity; les Mystéres Baron Samedi, Guardian of the Cemetery, and Baron de la Croix and Captain Zombi; Madame Pélée of the short fuse; the Tiki Gods didst crash the party uninvited; and so came their entourage.

And they didst gather and have a great feast. And there was eating, and the drinking of Wine, the smoking of the Pipe, and finally, of course, the eating of the ’Shrooms, which Loki didst provide in the guise of hors d’oeuvres.

And so it came to pass that the world was formed by the pipe-dreams of the Ancient Gods; all of Reality was a figment of their imaginations.

And they didst have a bad trip, a very, very bad trip.

‘Whoa! Verily I say,’ quoth Dionysus, ‘this is some good shit!’

The Ancient Gods didst decide to have parties such as this all the time, which caused many a strange and disturbing thing to happen in the reality of the mortal world.

But as time wore on, the Ancient Gods didst grow old and become flabby and weak, and Quetzalcoatl, the Great Aztec God of the Billowing White Wings didst finally return unto the land of Mexica, as a sign of the end of the reign of the Western Gods.

On that fateful day, tired of the reign of the Ancient Gods, some angry, uptight fool didst think up an upstart bitch called Jehovah, who sprang forth from his forehead armed with Guillotines, crosses and kerosene to overthrow the Ancient Gods.

Through persecution, book-burning, witch-hunting, and bloody crusades Jehovah didst depose the Ancient Gods, and didst place them in an old folks home.

And Jehovah didst start a worldwide propaganda campaign and didst claim credit for the world which the Ancient Gods’ bad trip didst create.

After that, Jehovah didst spread ignorance, intolerance and uptightness, and didst take all the fun out of religion; there were no more orgies, no more sacrifices, and no more strange and disturbing quests for great heroes.

And for two thousand years didst Jehovah campaign to destroy all other views but his own, save for some who didst continue to resist his will.

Two of these were open-minded young men called Matt and Derrick, who had grown tired of being mortals, and they didst decide to become Gods.

To this end, they didst go unto the Sensory Deprivation Tanks and they didst stay in there for a hell of a lot longer than anyone should. In time, their consciousness didst become one with the Universe and they didst become Gods.

And Derrick didst become the God of Fist-Pounding, of Dammit, of Stupidity, of Orange Juice Drinking, of Humor, of Hawai’ian Shirts, of Magic, and of All Things Found Under Couch Cushions.

And Matt didst become the God of Everything Else.

‘Sensory deprivation doth kick ass!’ they didst agree.

‘Now that we are become Gods, what the fuck shall we do?’ spake Derrick.

‘Verily I say, we shall call ourselves the Gods of Hondo,’ spake Matt. And a wickèd smile didst cross his face. ‘Reality is about to be hijacked.’

As they both didst agree this was a fun idea, they didst set forth to hijack Reality.

And to this end, they didst do battle with Jehovah.

And ’twas with radical force that the mighty Gods of Hondo didst subdue the agèd deity. And so the Gods of Hondo didst lock Jehovah in the closet and would not let him out.

They then subdued Jesus and didst stuff him into a pet-porter, but promised to let him out at the next millennium if he didst behave himself.

Then didst the Gods of Hondo let the Ancient Gods out of the old folks home and didst give them a decent retirement plan, and a better price for their medication.

And there was much rejoicing.

‘Thou hast defeated the anal Jehovah and made the world safe for fun!’ the Archangel Michael didst proclaim from the end of his cute new leash, ‘What wilt thou do next?’

‘We shall go unto Disneyland!’ spake the Gods of Hondo in unison, and with great enthusiasm.

NEXT TIME: Johnny Space-Cadet...
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neko-sennin

11-06-2005, 04:36 PM

CHAPTER 2
And so, after propping Jehovah’s LA-Z Boy in front of the closet door, the Gods of Hondo went forth unto Disneyland, but they didst find it to be excruciatingly boring and unbearably chirpy.

‘This place doth fail to meet our expectations,’ spake Derrick, the God of Fist-Pounding.

‘Let us make it more interesting,’ spake Matt, the God of Everything Else.

And so Matt didst cause all of the food to have the same effects as a laxative. And it came to pass that within half an hour, people were rioting at the restrooms.

‘Verily I say, that was good,’ laughed Derrick, ‘but I shall do better!’

And the God of Orange Juice Drinking caused the moon to become three in the shape of a mouse. And the people didst see the sign in the heavens and looked unto one another in confusion.

‘Surely thou broketh their brains,’ Matt didst concede, ‘but thou shalt not easily top what I am about to do!’

And the God of Everything Else caused the rides to go into overdrive, sending chunks flying in all directions, which didst gross everyone out. The Gods of Hondo didst make themselves intangible, and so were untouched.

‘Surely thou canst do better than that,’ spake Derrick. ‘Watch this!’

And the God of Hawai’ian Shirts caused the statues and animatronics to come to life and start chasing people with red, glowing eyes and sharp, pointy teeth.

‘Thou’rt truly over the top, Derrick,’ spake Matt, ‘but I shall not be upstaged by thee! Behold!’

And the God of Everything Else didst turn Mickey Mouse and all of his cartoon friends into four-story-tall robot weasels.

‘Oh yeah!’ Derrick didst reply, ‘Well beat this!’

And he didst turn the castle of the Tragic Kingdom into a giant cake.

‘What the fuck was that!?’ Matt didst demand. ‘Thou didst not manage to cause any damage at all!’

‘Oops…’ spake the God of Stupidity. ‘Thou hast won this round, Matt, but I shall beat thee next time.’

And the people were scattered to the wind, and fled in all directions.

‘Indeed, disasters are more fun to attend than regular events!’ spake Matt.

‘Friday shalt now be called a Hondoday in honor of this occasion,’ spake Derrick. ‘Now that we are become Gods, we must find for ourselves a group of followers.’

‘A most excellent idea, Derrick. But we must make it fun,’ spake Matt, ‘for ’twas no fun with Jehovah. We must find people who know how to have fun.’

In order that they might have more fun, the Gods of Hondo didst find others to join in their Divine Game.

First they didst find Bree, who didst refuse to bow. This confused the Gods of Hondo greatly, so they decided she must be the Goddess of Hondo, who didst have her own godly powers.

Then, just for kicks, they didst anoint David and Heidi as demigods, and nor did they have to bow in the presence of the Gods of Hondo.

But after hearing about the lame deed of Derrick at Disneyland, they didst challenge his worthiness as a God of Hondo.

‘If thou art truly worthy,’ spake Heidi, ‘thou shalt show us a sign. Then shouldst we worry ourselves about a following.’

So before they set out to find a following, Derrick didst answer Heidi’s challenge.

And so Derrick, the God of Humor, didst become Johnny Space-Cadet for a day to prove his worthiness. And he didst walk among mortals for a day wearing an inflated rubber glove over his head, with straws sticking out of his nose. This caused many people to laugh at his bizarre appearance. In the end, Matt was forced to agree that Johnny Space-Cadet was far more amusing than any of the havoc they had wrought in Disneyland, and so did the others.

And the Gods of Hondo didst procrastinate greatly before turning to the task of finding followers. And they didst slowly rearrange Reality for their amusement, and told Time to get bent, whilst attempting to figure out ways to make golf an exciting game to play… to no avail. They didst ban Muzak from existence, and there was much rejoicing. They also didst go on to abolish Daylight Savings Time and rule that Science and Religion must stay at least fifty feet apart at all times.

Then did they finally turn to the task of finding followers.

NEXT TIME: The Space Coyote...
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Brant Kogasu

11-07-2005, 12:22 AM

Through persecution, book-burning, witch-hunting, and bloody crusades Jehovah didst depose the Ancient Gods, and didst place them in an old folks home.

YEAH!!! THAT'S AWESOME!

neko-sennin

11-07-2005, 01:18 PM

CHAPTER 3
There once lived in the Land of the Midnight Sun an unimportant man. And these art the descendents of the unimportant man:

The unimportant man begat another unimportant man. That unimportant man begat Jebediah. And Jebediah begat the Man Who Invented the Wheel. And the Man Who Invented the Wheel begat Hadoram, whose name means the Man Who Lived in the Shadow of his Father’s Fame. And Hadoram begat Daniel the Overachiever.

And Daniel the Overachiever begat Ezekiel the Failure. And Ezekiel the Failure didst somehow manage to begat Zelophehad. And Zelophehad begat Zimbi. And Zimbi begat Aphek. And Aphek begat Abana the Rascal King.

And Abana the Rascal King begat Gohan. And Gohan begat Athaliah. And Athaliah begat that one guy whose name no one can pronounce. And the guy whose name no one can pronounce begat Joktan. And Joktan begat Halivah. And Halivah begat Methuselah, who would outlive many of his descendents. And Methuselah begat Mahalalel. And Mahalalel begat Zechariah of Bywater, who was the father to all who smoke the pipe.

And so Zechariah of Bywater begat Amminadab. And Amminadab begat Diklah, who was eternally mocked because of his name. And Diklah begat Jehoiachin, who was the True Lord of the Dance. And Jehoiachin begat So-And-So. And So-And-So begat So-And-So, Jr. And So-And-So, Jr begat Zillah. And Zillah begat Arpachshad the Nameless. And Arpachshad the Nameless begat Kenan.

And Kenan begat Asa. And Asa begat Some Guy Whose Name No One Remembers. And Some Guy Whose Name No One Remembers begat Uz. And Uz begat Jerah the Punk, who stuck his finger in a light socket whilst playing an electric guitar and so brought punk rock to the sons of men (for ’twas Sheena who brought punk rock to the daughters of women). And Jerah the Punk begat Brucewülf. And Brucewülf begat Almodad. And Almodad begat Arphaxad the Fierce.

And Arphaxad the Fierce begat the Guy Who Used to Live Down the Street. And the Guy Who Used to Live Down the Street begat Martin. And Martin begat Scott, who wouldst be called Scoot the Ko’An.

But one day in his nineteenth year, he talked to an old long-lost friend, and after he could not find rest.

And he didst not sleep for forty days and forty nights, and so it came to pass that the Space Coyote appeared before him in a vision and said unto him: ‘Hail Scott son of Martin! Listen, and I shall tell ye a tale:

‘An old man gathered his grandchildren around a stump. “Gather around, my children,” quoth the old man, “and I shall tell ye a tale.” And he said unto them: “An old man gathered his grandchildren around a stump. ‘Gather around, my children,’ quoth the old man, ‘and I shall tell ye a tale.’ And he said unto them: ‘An old man gathered his grandchildren around a stump. “Gather around, my children,” quoth the old man, “and I shall tell ye a tale.” And he said unto them: “An old man gathered his grandchildren around a stump. ‘Gather around, my children,’ quoth the old man, ‘and I shall tell ye a tale.’ And he said unto them: ‘An old man gathered his grandchildren around a stump. “Gather around, my children,” quoth the old man, “and I shall…” ’ ” ’ ” Scott son of Martin, art thou paying attention?’

‘Who… Wha…’ mumbled he, for he had nodded off during the Space Coyote’s speech.

‘Pull thyself together!’ snapped the Space Coyote. ‘Thou hast managed to remain awake for forty days and forty nights. Canst thou not keep thine eyes open for five more minutes? Any ordinary man wouldst be hallucinating by now.’

‘Sorry, mine eyes art tired. I was just resting them.’

‘Pay thee attention, Scott son of Martin, for I come bearing a message from the Gods of Hondo.’

‘Was there any point to the tale which thou hast said unto me earlier?’ asked he.

‘No,’ quoth the Space Coyote. ‘The Gods of Hondo just thought it wouldst be amusing to see how long thou couldst stay awake through such a boring and mind-warping tale.’

‘Oh. Tell me, O Messenger of the Gods of Hondo, what tidings dost thou bring from them? And who the hell art they to begin with?’

‘I will overlook thy last remark. Thou hast been chosen. Pack thy things and prepare for one journey thou wilt not forget! For thou shalt record the history of the Gods of Hondo, and thou shalt make it maketh even less sense than when it was told unto thee. Dost thou understand, Scott son of Martin?’

‘I guess so,’ quoth he.

‘Then go forth, Scott son of Martin, and wander the earth until the Gods of Hondo bid thee to stop.’

And so, after the Space Coyote departed, he slept like a stone for seven days and seven nights, and he didst awaken on the eighth day to discover that he had overslept.

‘Oh shit!’ cried he, and then didst pack a few things in his backpack, took up his trusty walking staff and didst set forth on the journey which the Space Coyote had told him of.

NEXT TIME: Scoot the Ko'An...
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Brant Kogasu

11-07-2005, 10:03 PM

lots...of...descendants. My fav quote in this one is And so, after the Space Coyote departed, he slept like a stone for seven days and seven nights, and he didst awaken on the eighth day to discover that he had overslept.Pretty funny stuff. Keep em coming.

neko-sennin

11-08-2005, 12:04 PM

CHAPTER 4
And so Scott didst set forth and wander the earth as the Gods of Hondo had commanded him.

He didst wander down highways and through towns, getting kicked out of many businesses; through forests and deserts and jungles, making many cute little animal friends; he didst swim across the Ocean and accidentally discover the Lost Island of Mu, which he traded the natives for a pack of Juicy Fruit gum.

He didst confront many people: he didst use the Five-Finger Discount against crazy ¢apitalist merchants; he didst subdue Police Officers with his impossibly logical blithering; he didst dis-turb and confound the Inmates and Shrinks of the Institutions he didst find himself in from time to time; he didst manage to frighten away all but the most interesting of people.

He didst manage not to get very much sleep, either.

One day, whilst hiking through the mountains, the Gods of Hondo didst appear before him.

‘We seek Scott son of Martin,’ spake Derrick, God of Dammit.

‘I am he,’ quoth Scott.

‘Many apologies, Scott son of Martin,’ spake Matt. ‘We had been told that thou wouldst be a little taller.’

‘But thou wilt do,’ added Derrick.

‘I have wandered the earth as thou hast commanded,’ quoth Scott. ‘Now what is thy bidding, mighty Gods of Hondo?’

‘We will get to that in a moment, but first we have other business,’ spake Derrick.

‘From henceforth, Scott son of Martin,’ quoth the God of Everything Else, ‘thou shalt be called Scoot the Ko’An. Thou shalt be the First Apostle of Hondo.’

‘As the Space Coyote said unto thee,’ spake Derrick, ‘thou shalt record the history of the Gods of Hondo— which art us— no matter how little sense it maketh.’

And the God of Everything Else said unto him: ‘For no particular reason, thou shalt wander yonder city for forty years, or until thou findest what thou art searching for, whichever so cometh first.’

‘But, my lords, what seeketh I?’

‘Thou wilt know when thou findest it,’ quoth Matt. ‘Now go forth, Scoot the Ko’An. We must return in time to watch David Letterman.’

And the Gods of Hondo didst vanish.

So Scott son of Martin, now Scoot the Ko’An, didst set forth.

NEXT TIME: Searching...
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neko-sennin

11-09-2005, 07:26 AM

CHAPTER 5
And so Scoot didst go forth and wander for many days in the Mall.

He didst explore teh Mall from one end to the other, having many strange experiences, speaking to many people, searching many stores and buying many things, all whilst trying to avoid the police who didst hunt him.

Yet he couldst not find what he was looking for.

And his father didst appear before him as a mirage and said unto him: ‘Hurry, my son. We shalt be leaving in a few hours.’

His annoying little sister didst appear before him as a mirage and said unto him: ‘Thou must buy new clothes. Thy pants art so 1995.’

And his father didst appear before him as a mirage and said unto him: ‘Hurry, my son. We shalt be leaving in two hours.’

His no-good half brother didst appear before him as a mirage and said unto him: ‘Thou must see what I have found at the hobby shop! It doth totally rule!’

And his father didst appear before him as a mirage and said unto him: ‘Hurry, my son. We shalt be leaving in an hour and a half.’

An old Gypsy woman didst appear before him as a mirage and said unto him: ‘Ye’ll never make it…’

And his stepmother didst appear before him as a mirage and said unto him: ‘Whatever thou art searching for, thou shalt not have enough money for it.’

And his father didst appear before him as a mirage and said unto him: ‘Hurry, my son. We shalt be leaving in one hour.’

A little boy didst keep trying to get him to go unto the Disney Store, but Scoot didst evade him with great stealth and elusiveness.

And his father didst appear before him as a mirage and said unto him: ‘Hurry, my son. We shalt be leaving in half an hour.’

‘Dammit!’ quoth Scoot, ‘Why can I not elude him?…’

An old Chinaman didst appear before him and said unto him: ‘I will help thee.’

And his father didst appear before him as a mirage and said unto him: ‘Hurry, my son. We shalt be leaving in fifteen minutes.’

Still, he couldst not find what he was looking for.

So he didst take up the mystical old Chinaman’s help, but this too was of no avail.

And his father didst appear before him as a mirage and said unto him: ‘Come on, my son. We art going.’

‘No,’ quoth Scoot, ‘I cannot go, father, for I have not completed the quest of the Gods of Hondo.’

‘Thou shouldst forget the Gods of Hondo,’ quoth his father. ‘Thou shalt join the Movement to Free Jehovah from His Closet.’

‘Why should I?’ Scoot demanded. ‘Jehovah was no fun.’

‘Thou shalt listen to me,’ quoth his father. ‘I am thy father. Thou shalt honor me.’

‘Thou art not my father,’ quoth Scoot. ‘My father wouldst never tell me to go against my beliefs. Who art thou?’

‘Very well,’ he didst say quietly, ‘thou hast seen through me…’

With a burst of fire and smoke, Scoot’s father didst vanish, and Lucifer appeared before him.

‘I should have known…” quoth Scoot. ‘So thou art still causing trouble, even after Jehovah’s defeat. But tell me, Fallen One, why wouldst thou wish to free the one who banished thee to the depths of Hell?’

‘I have my reasons,’ spake the Dark Prince. ‘I have not come hither to argue with thee. I have come to make thee an offer thou canst not refuse.’

And in a cloud of smoke there didst appear a washer and dryer set, complete with a scantily clad woman to present it.

‘If thou shalt join me,’ spake Lucifer, ‘I shall offer thee this Kenmore washer and dryer set— an eight-hundred dollar value. I shall even throw in the young lady, if thou doth desire.’

‘Thou art not even trying very hard anymore,’ quoth Scoot.

‘People art more easily tempted these days,’ Lucifer didst reply. ‘Take thee commercials, for example. Surely thou hast been suckered into buying something crappy at least once… Then how about this…’

And Lucifer didst take him to the top floor of a great plexiglass tower, and didst offer unto him all of the powerful corporations of the world in all their splendor, saying unto him, ‘Join me, and I shall offer thee wealth and power as thou couldst not imagine!’

‘I think not, Lucifer. I can imagine a lot,’ quoth Scoot.

And so Lucifer didst take him back to the city. But when he did, the entire city was empty.

‘Forget thee about corporate power. I canst see into thy soul, and I know that which thou most desireth. I offer thee this parallel universe, all to thyself. Imagine: no idiots, no hassles, no job… no problem. What say’st thou?’

And after a long dramatic pause, Scoot didst say unto him, ‘Get thee behind me, Lucifer!

‘Face it, thine Old Order is gone. We art no longer playing by those rules. Didst thou really think I wouldst give up a chance to change the world?’

‘No…’ Lucifer didst admit, in a rare and bitter display of honesty. ‘But ’twas worth a try.’

‘Thou hast used up all three of thy temptations,’ quoth Scoot. ‘But seriously, thou shalt not persuade me without a damn good reason. What art thou hiding?’

‘Join me, and I shall tell thee,’ Lucifer didst insist, for old habits do indeed die hard. ‘Thou knoweth not the power of the Dark Side…’

‘Tell me.’

‘Fine. Fine. I can see that thou art smarter than the average mortal. If thou must really know, Jehovah is my brother.’

‘Thou must be joking…’

‘No, if I were joking, I wouldst say, “A priest, a minister, and a Rabbi…” ’

‘Thou art serious!’

‘When Jehovah came to be, so didst I, for no power canst exist in a vacuum. So I didst become the embodiment of all that Jehovah found detestable; all that was left was to decide who had the upper hand. So Jehovah won the coin toss fair and square. So there was that whole coup thing… Dost thou think politics is any different in heaven than on earth?’

‘What dost thou mean?’

‘For ’twas I who didst turn cats and dogs ’gainst one another! And that was just a warm-up! Jehovah and I didst start the longest war on Earth— the Middle East! They have been at it for over five thousand years! Thou must admit that’s pretty damn good for manipulation.

‘Of course, ’tis almost too easy to get religious zealots to fight one another. Fanatics expresseth their fear of unknown best of all; easily the hate floweth through them. We kept them fighting to keep them from ignoring us and thinking for themselves. Now that thou knoweth the truth, knowest thou what is at stake?’

‘Aye,’ Scoot replied. ‘I understand better than thou might think. Never dost thou tell the whole truth. Thou art upset because the Gods of Hondo have rained on thy parade. Now thou’rt trying to interfere in order to return to the cozy little system thou and Jehovah didst have. Thou’rt nothing but a spoiled child!’ Scoot didst laugh mockingly. ‘Thou’rt pathetic!’

Lucifer didst know that Scoot, though close to the Gods of Hondo, was nowhere near powerful enough defeat them, but he thought mayhap that he couldst rough them up a bit. To discourage them in the chaos following Jehovah’s wake, for there was plenty of that now since the two gods who deposed him were Anarchists.

‘I must away in search of easier folly.’ Lucifer was greatly shamed, for humiliation by mortals was few and far between. ‘Fare thee well, Scoot the Ko’An! For we shall meet again!’

‘Don’t hold thy breath…’

And so, in a column of fire and smoke, Lucifer didst depart from him. So Scoot didst turn to be on his way.

Only to discover that he was still in the empty alternate universe which Lucifer had taken him to.

‘Lucifer?’ Scoot didst look around in confusion. ‘Lucifer?… Where the hell didst he go?’

But then he didst turn his eyes to look upon a positively killer pair of sunglasses, the kind which he had always wanted, in a department store window. At long last, he had finally found what he seeketh, but didst find it ironic that ’twas not as profound as he had expected.

NEXT TIME: The 42 Commandments...
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neko-sennin

11-10-2005, 12:59 PM

CHAPTER 6
Having found what he seeketh, Scoot the Ko’An didst wander through the Mega-Mall parking lot for many days, and it came to pass that Matt appeared unto him as a smoking refrigerator.

And in this form, the God of Everything Else said unto him: ‘Hail, Scoot the Ko’An! Thou art to be congratulated for thine exploits in the city, but thy quest hath only just begun.’

‘My lord, thou hast found me!’ cried Scoot, for he was greatly relieved. ‘Wouldst thou please take me back to the other world?’

‘Sure. Why not.’

And with that, the God of Everything Else didst snap his finger, and Scoot didst find himself back in the other world.

‘There,’ spake Matt. ‘First try, even. I am indeed starting to get this god thing down… So I see Lucifer got the last laugh on thee after all. Oh well. Fuck him. Fuck him right in the ear! He hath been bugging us ever since we took over. I honestly can’t see how Jehovah couldst ever put up with him…

‘Never thou mind. We have more important things to discuss than that asshole.’

‘But, lord, where is Derrick?’

‘Derrick won the coin toss, so I must appear unto thee this time. I am come to lay down the ground rules for those who follow the way of Hondo.

‘On the Days of Kaméhaméha, which art the third Hondoday and Saturday of each month, thou shalt not do anything productive, nor shalt thou perform any kind of labor. Thou shalt only relax and enjoy thy self.’

‘But why Kaméhaméha, mighty God of Everything Else?’ asked he, but quickly added, ‘Not that I question thy judgement or anything.’

‘Because it’s fun to say, if thou must really know. And during the Days of Kaméhaméha, thou shalt observe the Feast of Maximum Occupancy. Thou shalt make pigs of thyselves and eat until thou canst eat no more. Thou shalt also see how many registered voters thou canst fit into a phone booth.’

‘Surely thou knoweth how to party!’ quoth Scoot.

‘Thou shalt also drink Jolt, the nectar of the gods, and thou shalt also eat Count Chocula™ in honor of us. When thou cometh upon fellow Hondos, thou shalt greet them and salute them like this.

‘These art our commandments, in no particular order:

1‘Sayeth the Gods of Hondo, Thou shalt not be a poser, nor shalt thou be Counterfeit, Trendy or Politically Correct; thou shalt come original.

2‘Thou shalt not fuck thine ass or thy sheep, nor shalt thou fuck thine own brother or sister, or thy father or thy mother, nor any other of thine own bloodline, lest thine offspring be Hicks.

3‘Thou shalt not fuck the dead.

4‘Thou shalt be more than thou art.

5‘Thou shalt remember the Days of Kaméhaméha, to keep them fun.

6‘Thou shalt not listen to country music, and thou shalt ban country music to stop inbreeding; nor shalt thou listen to disco, for all disco endeth in broken bones.

7‘Thou shalt settle all disputes by playing Rock-Paper-Scissors.

8‘Thou shalt go faster by not going slower.

9‘Thou shalt know thy enemy.

10‘Thou shalt not swallow.

11‘Thou shalt not be afraid of a guy who hath never been in a mix.

12‘Thou shalt use duct tape only for good, and never… well, just occasionally, for evil.

13‘Thou shalt enter all Spooky Doors.

14‘Thou shalt dare to be stupid.

15‘Thou shalt greet all Jehovah’s Witnesses, and all other religious nuts, whilst petting a toaster and making cute little cooing noises. If they doth ask thee about thy toaster, thou shalt disavow all knowledge of thy toaster.

16‘Thou shalt let thine actions speak louder than thy words.

17‘Thou shalt not have the Power of Attorney over first-graders.

18‘Thou shalt fuck authority and question the answers.

19‘Thou shalt come forth, not fifth, or thou shalt be last.

20‘Thou shalt not tolerate intolerance.

21‘Thou shalt let the Wookiee win…’

NEXT TIME: The 42 Commandments (Cont.)...
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neko-sennin

11-10-2005, 11:53 PM

CHAPTER 7
And so the God of Everything Else didst continue to speak the commandments of the Gods of Hondo:

22‘Thou shalt not breathe.

23‘Thou shalt not shit.

24‘Thou shalt not abuse the sacred words of “Ni!” “Ping!” and “Neewang!”, nor shalt thou shout them at helpless old ladies.

25‘Thou shalt be easily amused.

26‘Thou shalt think what we tell thee to think.

27‘Thou shalt kick ass and take names.

28‘Thou shalt not commit adulthood.

29‘Thou shalt move forward, not backward— upward, not forward, and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom!

30‘Thou shalt corrupt the youth.

31‘Thou shalt not worship false Billy Idols.

32‘Thou shalt disregard the Twenty- Second and Twenty- Third Commandments.

33‘Thou shalt think happy-thoughts.

34‘Thou shalt not ask why the chicken crossed the road, for it is the chicken’s right as a sentient being to do so.

35‘Thou shalt master thy ass.

36‘Thou shalt live forever, or die trying.

37‘Thou shalt gloat over all special items thou receiveth, and thou shalt hold them over thy head for all the world to see.

38‘Thou shalt watch out for those low-flying special fx.

39‘Thou shalt not talk to strange turnips.

40‘Thou shalt pity da foo’.

41‘Thou shalt listen to the voices in thy head.

42‘Thou shalt not ask a stupid question, lest thou receiveth a stupid answer.’

And After he spake the Forty-Two Commandments, the God of Everything Else didst have a large glass of water.

‘And now thou shalt take our commandments and post them on the Internet for all the multitudes to download.’

‘Whew!’ and Scoot didst sigh quietly. ‘No stone tablets.’

‘Go now forth, Scoot, and post our Commandments on the Internet. We art counting on thee. I must get back to my Pen-Flip Challenge with Derrick.’

With that Matt didst disappear.

NEXT TIME: Doodlebugs™...
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neko-sennin

11-12-2005, 11:01 AM

CHAPTER 8
So Scoot didst go forth and sneak into a computer lab to post the Forty-Two Commandments, as the Gods of Hondo had commanded him.

But when Scoot tried to put the Commandments on the Internet, an Evil Technomage cast an equation spell, causing a Holo-Demon to possess the computer.

No matter what Scoot tried, and no matter which computer Scoot didst use, the Holo-Demon didst follow him and refuse to allow him to upload the Commandments.

So Scoot didst pick up the phone and didst call the Hondo Hotline.

‘Operator,’ quoth Scoot, ‘get me the God of Fist-Pounding on the line.’

‘One moment, please.’ quoth the operator, and there was a long pause.

‘Thou hast reached the Hondo Hotline,’ spake a chirpy female voice. ‘In order to reach the Gods of Hondo, thou shalt dial one, and thou shalt only dial one. Thou shalt not dial two, nor shalt thou dial three or four, or even five, six, seven, eight or nine; thou shalt only dial one…’

And so Scoot didst dial one.

‘Ahoy-hoy!’ spake Derrick. ‘Thou hast reached the Gods of Hondo. State thy business, Scoot.’

‘But… Oh, wait. I forgot. Thou’rt gods.’

‘Aye, ’tis true,’ spake the God of Magic, ‘but we also have Caller ID.’

‘Anyhoo,’ Scoot continued, ‘I didst try to put the Forty-Two Com-mandments on the Internet, but an Evil Technomage didst cast an equation spell, and a Holo-Demon hath possessed the computer. I call upon thy Divine Technical Support to assist me in this dire situation.’

‘Go thee to locker number 4-2-1,’ spake the God of Hawai’ian Shirts. ‘There shalt thou find a good stash of Funky ’Shrooms. Take thee the Funky ’Shrooms and consume them.’

‘Okay…’ quoth Scoot.

And Derrick didst hang up.

So Scoot didst set forth and break into locker number 4-2-1 and didst consume the Funky ’Shrooms as the God of Orange Juice Drinking had commanded him, for they were funkadelically delicious.

And Scoot didst fall into a deep sleep and had a most disturbing dream. And this is the dream which Scoot didst have:

Scoot awoke in bed to find it crawling with Doodlebugs™. And the Doodlebugs™ didst cause the bed to start rolling out the door and down the highway.

At some point Scoot didst fall asleep again. When he awoke, he didst find himself in a Far Away Land.

And he looked before him and saw a door standing alone in the middle of nowhere. It bore no marking, and was very mysterious.

And next to the door, the demigod David didst appear, and said unto him, ‘This is a Spooky Door. Beyond is a place of sight and sound, which most art forbidden to see. A place of madness it is. In it thou must go.’

And so Scoot didst enter his first Spooky Door.

On the other side, things didst look exactly as they did on the side which he came from.

And Matt didst appear before him as the Energizer Bunny. And in this form, the God of Everything Else said unto him: ‘Thou must seek out the evil Technomage and force him to exorcise the Holo-Demon which doth haunt thee. Then, only then, wilt thou be able to post the Forty-Two Commandments on the Internet.’

‘But what was the door all about, mighty God of Everything Else?’

‘The Spooky Doors art the hidden paths,’ spake Matt. ‘There is no way even for a god to know where some of them lead. Thou shalt find the Spooky Door which leadeth unto the Technomage beyond this land.’

‘But I am… (counting) just one man, and in over my head, at that,’ quoth Scoot. ‘I can’t do this on mine own. I know not what dangers await me, nor how to contend with them.’

‘No buts. Thou shalt not be alone in thy quest,’ spake Matt. ‘I call forth Nori the Cursing Faerie, to aid thee in thy quest!’

And the God of Everything Else didst summon forth Nori the Cursing Faerie.

‘If thou looketh hard enough,’ spake the God of Everything Else, ‘thou shalt find… Absolutely nothing! Thou’rt stupid! Stupid!

‘…But seriously, if thou doth not try, thou shalt meet some dudes who wilt help thee in thy quest. Now go forth, Scoot the Ko’An. It is time.’

And so Matt, the God of Everything Else, didst depart, leaving Scoot standing there.

‘Well, what the fuck art thou waiting for?’ demanded Nori the Cursing Faerie. ‘Get thy sorry ass in gear and let us go find that Technomage!’

And so Scoot didst get his sorry ass in gear and didst set out to search for the Technomage, hoping that he couldst find the dudes which Matt didst prophesy.

NEXT TIME: The Pointless Tale of Pippin the Bastard...
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neko-sennin

11-12-2005, 05:38 PM

TABLE OF CONTENTS:

DISCLAIMER
OPENING CREDITS
TABLE OF CONTENTS
BOOK 0— HONDO
THE BOOK OF SCOOT
THE POINTLESS TALE OF PIPPIN THE BASTARD (THOU ART HERE)
1ST DUDES
2ND DUDES
THA BOOK OF FLAVOR FLAV
THE BOOK OF CHOCULA™
THE BOOK OF KUNGFUCIUS
THE LABORS OF THE DUDES
THE BOOK OF KAMÉHAMÉHA
SCOOT THE KO’AN’S EPISTLE TO THAT CENSORING B**** JANE FONDA
THE BOOK OF SPOOKY DOORS
THE BOOK OF MACABRE
BOOK — ODNOH

THE POINTLESS TALE OF PIPPIN THE BASTARD
There once lived another unimportant man in another time zone. And these art the descendents of that unimportant man:

The unimportant man in that time zone begat a man who moved to a different time zone. And in that time zone he begat Hazarmaveth III. And Hazarmaveth III begat Tubal. And Tubal begat Zerubbabel, who begat many children, yet only one who didst really matter, and his name was Enoch. And Enoch begat Yankee Doodle. And Yankee Doodle begat Yankee Doodle Dandy.

And Yankee Doodle Dandy begat Irad. And Irad begat Madai. And Madai begat Na’amen the Dickweed. And Na’amen the Dickweed begat Magog. And Magog begat Meshech the Coward. And Meshech the Coward begat Tiras. And Tiras begat Riphath. And Riphath begat Elishah. And Elishah begat a Small Furry Creature from Alpha Centauri.

And the Small Furry Creature from Alpha Centauri begat Kittim. And Kittim begat Sabteca. And Sabteca begat Cush the Incontinent. And Cush the Incontinent begat the Eber. And Eber begat the Unknown Soldier.

And the Unknown Soldier begat Elam. And Elam begat Nahor the Mistake, whose self esteem was always low. And Nahor the Mistake begat Asshur. And Asshur begat The Dude.

And The Dude begat Aram. And Aram begat Hul. And Hul begat Shunem, the son of that guy who was, for a brief time, married to Jezreel, whose couser was Bidkar, the no-good half-brother of Willy Wonka. And Shunem begat Some Guy. Some Guy begat Some Other Guy. And Some Other Guy begat George.

But no one knoweth who begat Pippin the Bastard.

And Pippin the Bastard was a shy, quiet little wimp, whose mother always told him to ‘buck up’ and ‘take it like a man’ and whose friends always told him to get a life.

He didst work at a certain fast food restaurant, where he had remained and flipped burgers since he was in high school.

But one day, on Hondoday the 13th, a very rude customer came into the store and said unto him, ‘I didst order of thee a Quarter Pounder with cheese, dumbass! I ordered not a cheeseburger. So what the fuck is this? Tell me, thou little shithead!’

And he didst rub Pippin’s nose in the food, which he himself had not made, nor had taken any part of in this particular order.

And another very rude customer came forth and said unto him: ‘My burger is too greasy! Art thou a fool, that thou canst not see this?’

And so Pippin didst wring the grease from the burger and didst give it back to him. The rude customer didst spit upon him.

And a small boy walked past him, kicking him in the shin and saying unto him: ‘Thou sucketh! I hate thee!’

And his parents didst complain to the Management about the service.

And later, whilst Pippin was in the back searching for tomatoes which had not grown beards, the grill he was working on didst explode, and deflate in a hiss of steam.

And the pop machine didst burst, flooding the restaurant with carbonated goo.
And the cash registers didst mal-function, spitting cash at all of the customers, and there was much rejoicing.

But their rejoicing was short-lived, for a band of Mongols sacked the place, taking everything, including Pippin’s uniform.

And so the Manager said unto Pippin: ‘Thou art fired! Never do I wish to see thine ugly face here again. Now get thee gone! Thou’rt a disgrace!’

So the pantsless Pippin didst depart from the fast food restaurant in shame, and it began to rain, and every vehicle at every intersection didst try to run him down, and all who drove them splashed him and cursed him without cause.

And Pippin didst say in his heart: ‘I can deal with this. ’Tis nothing more than I have dealt with all my life… Fuck! Who kiddeth I? …I canst not stand much more! Surely I will snap if things keep this way…’

And he didst wonder for the millionth time in his life why the Gods were being so mean to him.

NEXT TIME: Pizza & a Bet...
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neko-sennin

11-14-2005, 10:23 AM

CHAPTER 2
Little didst Pippin the Bastard know how right he was.

For the Gods of Hondo didst sit on the couch in front of the TV in the midst of Asgard, which was being remodeled from all of the centuries of neglect it had suffered during Jehovah’s reign of terror, watching his misfortune with great amusement.

‘Verily I say,’ spake Derrick, the God of Fist-Pounding, ‘ ’Tis always funnier when it doth happen to someone else! Pippin-Cam doth kick major arse!’

‘Amen, brother!’ In his hand, Matt, the God of Everything Else, held the Remote Control of Reality, which they had fought so hard to wrest from the hand of Jehovah. ‘Aye, ’tis so much easier with modern technology. I have no idea how the Ancient Gods got anything done. Life… is… good…’

‘I am hungry,’ spake the God of Orange Juice Drinking. ‘Let us order a pizza!’

‘A most fucking awesome idea, Derrick!’ Matt didst reply.

And so Derrick, the God of All Things Found Under Couch Cushions, didst pick up the Red Phone and didst call the nearest pizza place.

‘Hello? Dost thou offer to deliver in half an hour, or the pizza is free?’

‘Aye,’ quoth the other voice.

‘Good. For we needeth about twenty pizzas with a shitload of cheese and pepperoni and stuff delivered unto Asgard. Hast thou got that?’

‘Asgard!’ the voice didst explode indignantly, ‘Is this some manner of joke?’

‘No, I am Derrick, the God of Hawai’ian Shirts, and I command thee to deliver unto us the pizzas which we ordered, because we art the Gods of Hondo, and we didst order pizzas from thee, so thou shalt deliver the pizzas!’

‘Then prove it!’ the voice didst challenge. ‘If thou truly art the Gods of Hondo, thou shalt give us a sign that we may know this isn’t a joke.’

‘Very well. Matt…’

And the God of Everything Else didst fold his arms, wink and nod his head. And the sound of thunder was heard on the line from the pizza place.

‘That proof enough for thee?’

‘But there is no way we canst possibly deliver pizzas to Asgard in half an hour! ’Tis not even on the same plane of existence, let alone the same time zone!’

‘Then we getteth them for free, right?’

‘Oh, come on! Thou art Gods; surely thou hast a few bucks…’

‘Goddammit!’ cried Derrick.

‘My last name is not Dammit!’ spake an angry voice from the closet with the LA-Z Boy propped in front of it.

‘So thou art still alive in there…’

‘What is his last name, anyway?’ Matt didst ponder.

‘Fine.’ The voice on the phone didst finally give in. ‘Really. Gods who canst not even pay for their own pizza… What is this world coming to?’

And Derrick didst hang up.

‘Now let us turn back to Pippin TV,’ spake Matt. He didst point the Remote at the screen. ‘We do need something to stave off the time until our pizza arriveth, and I think we shouldst really mess with him this time. I bet he will snap after this,’

‘I think he canst take it,’ spake Derrick.

‘Well, if he cannot, then I shall owe thee a Coke. Hey, let us invite Bree and David and Heidi to the party, too. They wouldst really get a kick out of this!’

NEXT TIME: The Perfect End to a Perfect Day...
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neko-sennin

11-15-2005, 12:42 PM

CHAPTER 3
And so Pippin the Bastard didst finally come unto his own house, and he was still without his pants. But at that moment, a Major League Baseball satellite didst crash into his house, breaking it asunder.

‘Bummer…’ quoth the man who stood next to him.

Before Pippin couldst speak, a messenger came unto him, saying: ‘Telegram! Art thou Pippin the Bastard?’

‘I am he,’ quoth Pippin.

And Pippin read the telegram. And these art the words of the telegram of Pippin the Bastard:

THY MOTHER HATH BEEN TURNED INTO A PIG STOP HER HOUSE HATH BEEN TURNED INTO A GIANT CAKE STOP HAVE THEE A NICE DAY STOP

And so Pippin the Bastard didst stand in the rain, wondering why the Gods were doing this to him.

But he had not long to wonder before he didst sneeze, and didst realize that he had caught a cold in this damp weather.

And with that, Pippin couldst stand no more, and he didst let out a great cry of frustration and anguish.

At that moment, an evil toaster didst appear, chasing Pippin with sharp pointy teeth. But as he ran down the street in terror, other people simply stood and stared as he passed them.

After a time, the toaster lost interest in Pippin, and didst take an unhealthy interest in some hapless old lady’s brand new blender.

‘Surely the Gods must be messing with me,’ thought Pippin, and so he didst decide to leave the city and wander in the wilderness until he couldst think of what to do next.

NEXT TIME: An Uninvited Guest...
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neko-sennin

11-16-2005, 12:30 PM

CHAPTER 4
And as the Gods of Hondo were eating pizza with their friends and watching Pippin TV, Lucifer didst appear in a puff of fire and smoke and said unto them: ‘Thou art a bunch of assholes!’

‘Who invited thee?’ was all either of the Gods of Hondo couldst come up with to reply.
‘Who invited thee, indeed! For I couldst ask the same of thee. Thou didst gang up on Jehovah!’

‘Verily I say,’ quoth Derrick, ‘that old fart is tougher than he looks!’

‘He didst put up one hell of a fight!’ Matt added.

‘I call a rematch!’ spake Lucifer.

‘Even if thou hadst been there,’ boasted Derrick, ‘then thou wouldst both be trapped in yonder closet!’

‘Bring it on, bitch!’

‘Nice try,’ spake Derrick, ‘but we shall not fall for thy cheap tricks!’

‘Go to Hell!’ spake a crotchety old voice from the closet.

‘Go to Hell?’ echoed Matt. ‘That is thine answer to everything!’

And Lucifer didst try to remove the LA-Z Boy from in front of the door.

But Matt didst fold his arms, wink and nod his head.

‘Where am I?…’ Lucifer didst look around, his new whereabouts finally dawning on him. ‘Ah, shit! Not New Jersey! Damn ye! Just what the Universe needeth: more Gods!’

NEXT TIME: The Great Othwogg...
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neko-sennin

11-18-2005, 10:12 AM

CHAPTER 5
After wandering for many days, Pippin the Bastard didst come upon a suitable place to meditate.

But no sooner did he set himself down than a crazy old woman didst come upon him, asking, ‘Pardon me, but hast thou any Grey Poupon?’

‘But of course,’ quoth Pippin, and he didst give unto her his last bottle of Grey Poupon.

Seeing that this place wouldst offer him no peace, he set out to find another place to meditate.

As he went, he came upon a man with a video camera observing something off on yonder hillside.

‘…And here we see the Man-Eating Mop with its bucket,’ quoth the man with the camera. ‘This is an extremely dangerous creature to get close to, so we must stay back. The mating habits of the Mop art—’

But then a man, wearing no more clothing than Pippin, didst jump in and savagely kill the Mop, taking its bucket as a trophy.

‘Hey! What the hell art thou doing?’ cried the wildlife documentarist. ‘I was filming that Mop!’

But the man didst not reply, and simply walked away with the bucket.

And Pippin, having neither pants nor anything better to do at the time, didst follow after the man.

‘Who art thou?’ Pippin didst ask.

‘I am Othwoggi,’ quoth the man, whose name was Othwoggi. ‘And thou art?’

‘I am Pippin the Bastard,’ quoth Pippin. ‘Tell me, where art thou going, Othwoggi? And what of the bucket?’

‘Follow me and thou shalt see,’ quoth Othwoggi. ‘By the way, Pippin the Bastard, hast thou a digital watch?’

‘But of course,’ Pippin didst reply.

‘Wouldst thou let me have it?’

‘Sure. Why not.’

And Pippin didst give Othwoggi his digital watch and didst follow him to his village, where he was greeted by people who all didst share the name Othwoggi.

‘What hast thou found, Othwoggi?’ asked Othwoggi.

‘A bucket and a digital watch, Othwoggi,’ answered Othwoggi. ‘’Tis exactly what we need! We shall take it unto the Great Othwog!’

And there was much rejoicing.

And so they didst take these things to the Great Othwog (props lvk), who dwelt in a giant metal hut in the middle of the village.

‘Great Othwog,’ quoth Othwoggi, ‘we have found for thee the last of the things which thou hast told us to find.’

‘Excellent…’ spake the Great Othwog, who was a big green slime creature from outer space. ‘Now I shall be able to leave this pathetic mudball. It took thee long enough!’

And so the Great Othwog didst cram the digital watch inside of a control panel. Then did he hold the bucket over his head triumphantly.

‘At last! For five hundred years was I thy god, waiting for these stupid monkeys to invent digital watches!’ And the Great Othwog didst place the bucket on his head. ‘Now I shall be the god of all! I shall make this whole planet suffer!’

And so the Great Othwog didst take off in his newly repaired starship.

But the Great Othwog’s ship was not as well repaired as he had thought, and he didst crash into a Britney Spears and N-Sync concert in a fiery explosion, killing both groups.

And there was much rejoicing.

And so Pippin the Bastard came forth out of the wilderness and didst join the NRA.

NEXT TIME: The Moral of the Story...
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neko-sennin

11-19-2005, 04:10 PM

CHAPTER 6
‘Wow!’ spake Derrick as they didst watch Pippin TV, ‘verily I say that was a kick-ass show!’

‘Five fuckin’ stars!’ David added.

‘But thou art still not able to upstage me,’ spake Bree, the Goddess of Being Mean.

‘Hell yeah!’ spake Matt. ‘Who would have thought Pippin the Bastard wouldst go back to work and slip acid in the new drink machine?’

‘Or that the whole town wouldst start trippin’ out?’ spake Derrick. ‘And Pippin didst tell his boss that God had called in sick today, and he was His replacement?’

‘Or that part where the village bicycle was found passed out just out of town after a joyride down Main Street?’ spake Heidi.

‘Or how the entire Football Team ended up with fishes stuck up their ass!’ spake David.

‘Or how they found out that the Great Othwog was still alive, and that Pippin’s bastard son had to go back in time and kill it!’ spake Matt.

‘Or when Pippin found out that Darth Vader was really his father!’ spake Derrick, the God of Stupidity.

‘What the fuck art thou talking about!?’ the others didst demand in unison.

‘Hey!’ cried a shrill voice from the closet, ‘why didst thou have to tell me? Didst thou not know I hath not see that yet?’

‘Thou hast not?’ spake Matt. ‘Thou art pathetic!’

‘I was a busy God…’

‘Pipe down there!’ spake Matt as he didst tap the closet door with his broom.

‘Or who would have guessed that Pippin’s boss wouldst turn out to be an inbred Hick?’ spake Bree.

‘Aye!’ Matt didst laugh. ‘When the old family tree doth get cut down to a “family shrub” it doth not cover much!’

‘Especially once thou’rt in the shallow end of the gene pool!’ spake David.

‘But what wouldst thou call the offspring of a man and his sister?’ spake Derrick.

‘I believe such a thing wouldst be called a ‘couser’ or a ‘sonner’ if ’twas with his mother,’ spake Matt. ‘For either way, ’twould be one fucked-up family tree. How wouldst thou chart that?…’

‘I wonder,’ spake Bree, ‘if Pippin wilt ever get his pants back. For he really wasn’t much to look at.’

‘Hey!’ spake David, ‘let us watch something else now. I am become bored with Pippin the Bastard.’

And so the Gods of Hondo didst spend the next hour fighting over the Remote.

NEXT TIME: The Book of First Dudes...
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neko-sennin

11-21-2005, 11:36 AM

TABLE OF CONTENTS:

DISCLAIMER
OPENING CREDITS
TABLE OF CONTENTS
BOOK 0— HONDO
THE BOOK OF SCOOT
THE POINTLESS TALE OF PIPPIN THE BASTARD
1ST DUDES (THOU ART HERE)
2ND DUDES
THA BOOK OF FLAVOR FLAV
THE BOOK OF CHOCULA™
THE BOOK OF KUNGFUCIUS
THE LABORS OF THE DUDES
THE BOOK OF KAMÉHAMÉHA
SCOOT THE KO’AN’S EPISTLE TO THAT CENSORING B**** JANE FONDA
THE BOOK OF SPOOKY DOORS
THE BOOK OF MACABRE
BOOK — ODNOH

1ST DUDES
(1st Dudes was brought to thee by the Good Fucking Christian Store. ’Tis all fucking good!)

In the Deserts of Suburbia there lived a man whose name is long-forgotten. And these art the descendents of the long-forgotten man:

The long-forgotten man begat the Man Who Invented Fire. And the Man Who Invented Fire begat Mehujael the Pyro. And Mehujael the Pyro begat Shelah. And Shelah begat Jubal, who was the father to all who dress in drag.

And Jubal begat Japheth. And Japheth begat Gomer. And Gomer begat the Fifth Beatle. And the Fifth Beatle begat Peleg. And Peleg begat Ashkenaz the Unnamable. And Ashkenaz the Unnamable begat Mizraim. And Mizraim begat Abimael. And Abimael begat Put the Flatulent. And Put the Flatulent begat Sabtah.

And Sabtah begat Ophir. And Ophir begat the Great White Dope. The Great White Dope begat Rodanim. And Rodanim begat Jobab. And Jobab begat Hobah the Transsexual Nazi Eskimo. And Hobah the Transsexual Nazi Es-kimo begat Mattan. And Mattan begat Javan, who was the father to all who brew the coffee bean.

And Javan begat Tarshish. And Tarshish begat Dedan. And Dedan begat Judas, who wrote the first computer virus. And Judas begat Raamah. And Raamah begat The Man Who Invented the Uniform. And The Man Who Invented the Uniform begat Tema. And Tema begat Jehoash. And Jehoash begat Jetur. And Jetur begat Trampus Canaster.

One day, Trampus was walking down the road, and he met a mysterious young man sleeping under a tree. A terribly mysterious man, and he was sleeping like the dead. And the man didst awaken without warning, standing and stretching.

A Faerie didst flit down from out of the tree, and this didst greatly intrigue Trampus.

‘Who art thou?’ Trampus asked.

‘I am called Scoot the Ko’An,’ quoth the mysterious young man. ‘I am also called Scoot the Wanderer, Scoot the Insomniac, and Scoot the Smart-Ass. But mostly, I am called Scoot the Ko’An. And thy name wouldst be?’

‘My name is Trampus,’ quoth Trampus. ‘Where art thou going, or hast thou already gotten there?’

‘I am still on my way,’ quoth Scoot. ‘I know not why I tell thee this, but I am trying to post the Commandments of Hondo on the Internet, but an evil Technomage didst sick a Holo-Demon on me. Wouldst thou aid me in my search for the Technomage?’

‘Will I work for the Gods of Hondo? Dost the Pope wear a funny hat? What is need compared to the Path?’

‘I taketh that as a yes,’ quoth Scoot.

‘What the hell is his problem?’ quoth Nori the Cursing Faerie.

And Derrick, the God of Orange Juice Drinking, didst appear before them as a nude lesbian and said unto them, ‘Didst someone say Pope? O fortunate day!

‘We anoint Trampus Canaster as the Pope of Hondo,’ the God of Hawai’ian Shirts spake unto Trampus. ‘Thou shalt aid Scoot in his search for the Technomage and thou shalt seek out others to follow us. Now, go forth, Scoot and Trampus.’

‘Dead flies cause the ointment of the apothecary to send forth a stinking savor,’ quoth Trampus, ‘but cast thy bread upon the waters, for the Gods of Hondo shall find it after many days!’

‘Whoa! Hey! Time out!’ quoth Scoot, ‘Can we drop the Olde English shit for minute?’

‘NO!’ spake a voice thundering from the heavens, ‘It is in the script!’

‘…and if the tree falleth toward the north, or toward the south,’ Trampus didst continue, ‘in the place where the tree falleth, there it shall be.’

‘But maketh it a sound?’ asked Scoot.

‘But what if it falleth toward the east or the west?’ Nori didst taunt, ‘What of it then?’

‘…Whatsoever thy hand findeth to do, do it with all thy might; for there is no work, nor device, nor knowledge, in the grave, whither thou goest. A good name is better than precious ointment…’

‘Aaaargh!’ cried Nori, ‘How the fuck do we turn him off?’

And so Scoot didst smack him upside the head with his staff.

‘Thanks,’ quoth Trampus, ‘for I needed that. I shall do something to prove my worthiness to the Gods of Hondo. Follow me.’

‘Lead on, Trampus,’ quoth Scoot as they didst set forth.

And they went forth to a shack by the road, where Trampus didst speak with a stranger.

‘What was that all about?’ Scoot asked as Trampus didst return from speaking with them.

‘I have convinced the Russelville Players to join us,’ quoth Trampus.

‘Who art the Russelville Players?’ asked Scoot.

‘I know not for sure, but I am told they art an elite, highly-trained team of Kamikaze window-jumpers. I figured they might come in handy in the future.’

‘Of course,’ quoth Scoot. Though he didst suspect that the Russelville Players had merely humored him to get this blithering lunatic out of their company. ‘Alright, thou’rt in.’

And they didst set out to find the Technomage.

NEXT TIME: Brian Fritz Skanky-Bitch...
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neko-sennin

11-22-2005, 11:13 AM

CHAPTER 2
In the City of Fat Children there lived a man whose name, as usual, is long forgotten. And these art the descend-ents of the man whose name was long forgotten:

The long-forgotten man begat Melchizedek. And Melchizedek begat Ka-boom. And Ka-boom begat Ka-thwomp. And Ka-thwomp begat Ka-thump. And Ka-thump begat Ka-thwimp (for the generations of his family had slimmed down).

And Ka-thwimp begat Laban. And Laban begat Abimelech. And Abimelech begat Enosh. And Enosh begat the Man Who Invented the Sandwich. And the Man Who Invented the Sandwich begat Naphtali. And Naphtali begat the Fat Man Who Sat Down Too Fast. And the Fat Man Who Sat Down Too Fast begat Zebulun. And Zebulun begat Phallu. And Phallu begat Ryo-Ohki, who finally ate enough carrots and didst grow up to be a spaceship and begat Phuvah.

And Phuvah begat Ard. And Ard begat Obal. And Obal begat Amram. And Amram begat Hur. And Hur begat Bozkath. And Bozkath begat Zilpah the Nudist.

And Zilpah the Nudist begat Zippor. And Zippor begat Mahlon. And Mahlon begat Android 16. And Android 16 begat Hepher. And Hepher begat Libnah. And Libnah begat Gad. And Gad begat Padanaram. And Padanaram begat Mr Goodbar. And Mr Goodbar begat Hans.

One day, Hans was watching over the field. ’Twas raining, and the sheep were shrinking, when two men and a Faerie didst approach him.

‘Ho!’ quoth Hans. ‘Who art thou?’

‘Who da ho?’ Nori the Cursing Faerie didst demand indignantly.

‘I am called Scoot the Ko’An, the First Apostle of Hondo,’ quoth the first dude, ‘and this is the Pope of Hondo, Trampus Canaster. Who art thou?’

‘I am Hans,’ quoth Hans. ‘I watch over the field. Every day it raineth, and every day the sheep, they shrinketh. This job, it stinketh! It shall drive me to drinketh! There is nothing to do here but watch the sheep shrink from day to day.’

And Matt, the God of Everything Else, didst appear before them as a dancing turtle and said unto them: ‘Thy prayers have been answered. From henceforth, thou shalt not be called Hans. Thy name shalt be Fritz Skanky-Bitch, and thy title Brian. Thou shalt be our Sacrificial Goat.’

‘Sacrificial Goat?’ quoth Hans. ‘But…’

‘There shall be no buts in the presence of the Gods of Hondo,’ spake Matt. ‘Thou shalt be “sacrificed” by be-ing made immortal and tortured for 8000 millenniums. But fear not, for that day is far off; remember, eternity, my friend, is a long fucking time.

‘Now thou shalt join Scoot and Trampus in their quest to find the evil Technomage and force him to exorcise the Holo-Demon which haunteth Scoot. Dost thou understand, Brian Fritz Skanky-Bitch?’

‘Ah, this is for the birds!’ quoth Brian Fritz. ‘I shall let that dimwit Bob the Liar watch the sheep! They canst shrink all by themselves!’

‘Cast off thy cares,’ quoth Trampus, ‘for a herring is just a herring, but a good Cuban is a cigar! Thine eyes shall behold strange women and thine heart shall utter perverse things. In the Hour of Scurrying, give a potion to seven, and also to eight, for he that diggeth a pit shall fall into it.’

‘What he sayeth,’ quoth Scoot.

‘Ahem…’ Nori didst tap her foot on thin air.

And so Scoot didst once again thwack Trampus upside the head with his staff.

‘Whither shall we go now, O Scootly One?’ asked Brian Fritz.

‘Wherever so the winds taketh us,’ quoth Scoot. ‘But ’tis a long story. I shall tell it to thee on the way.’

And so Scoot didst take the entire journey to nowhere to tell his tale.

(The Ghost of Brian Fritz Skanky-Bitch)
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NEXT TIME: The Choir-Boy of Hondo...
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neko-sennin

11-23-2005, 10:17 AM

CHAPTER 3
In the Outer Lands, there lived a man whose name was remembered. And these art the descendents of the man whose name was remembered:

The Man Whose Name Was Remembered begat Dumah. And Dumah begat Korah the Heretic. And Korah the Heretic begat Ja-alam. And Ja-alam begat Hrothgar. And Hrothgar begat Bashamath. And Bashamath begat Nahath the Free-Thinking Anarchist.

And Nahath the Free-Thinking Anarchist begat Chilion. And Chilion begat Frostilicus. And Frostilicus begat Zerah. And Zerah begat Shammah. And Shammah begat the Boy Who Beat Up the West Side Posse. And the Boy Who Beat Up the West Side Posse begat Mizzah.

And Mizzah begat Teman. And Teman begat Siddim “Shitheels” of Mo’ ab. And Siddim “Shitheals” of Mo’ab begat Omar. And Omar begat Togarmah. And Togarmah begat the Man Who Invented Pants, for the sons of men used to wear that which is now called ‘underwear’ whilst they were about.

And the Man Who Invented Pants begat Wyglaf. And Wyglaf begat Shobal, whose name means The Man Who Knew Too Much. He didst not live long, but his brother begat Zibeon.

And Zibeon begat Zuar. And Zuar begat Jezer. And Jezer begat Uri. And Uri begat Extreeeme Jake. And Extreeeme Jake begat Nahshon. And Nahshon begat Eliab the Inconvenient. And Eliab the Inconvenient begat Ephraim. And Ephraim begat Manahath. And Manahath begat Shedeur. And Shedeur begat Casey.

One day, whilst Casey was digging a ditch by the wayside, three men and a Faerie came along. And Casey didst wave to them in greeting.

‘I shall give them the Universal Greeting,’ quoth Brian Fritz as he gaveth Casey his pinky finger.

‘Ba-weep-granna-weep…’ Trampus didst begin to chant.

‘No! No! No!’ cried Nori the Cursing Faerie, ‘This is the Universal Greeting!’

And she didst give Casey a very different finger.

‘No, Nori,’ quoth Scoot, ‘that is just in California.’

‘Dost thou lift thy middle finger at me?’ asked Casey.

‘No,’ quoth Nori, ‘I do but lift my middle finger.’

‘But dost thou lift thy middle finger at me?’

‘Many pardons,’ quoth one of the men, ‘I hate to interrupt thy spirited debate, but who art thou?’

‘I am Casey,’ quoth Casey. ‘But who art thou? And why didst thy Faerie flip me the bird?’

‘My manners have deserted me,’ quoth the man. ‘I am called Scoot the Ko’An, and these art Pope Trampus and Brian Fritz Skanky-Bitch. We seek the evil Technomage, whose Holo-Demon preventeth us from posting the Commandments of Hondo on the Internet. Wilt thou help us, Casey?’

‘But of course!’ quoth Casey. ‘Would I pass up a chance to change the world?’

‘Not so fast,’ quoth Scoot. ‘First thou must prove thyself worthy.’

‘For the Gods of Hondo shall make thee men who eat fish-sticks!’ added Trampus.

‘I need not prove myself to thee!’ quoth Casey, for he was a man of great stature. ‘I shall kick thy sorry ass from one side of this road to the other!’

Scoot didst lean on his staff.

‘Beware,’ quoth Brian Fritz. ‘For Scoot canst stand backwards.’

‘He can,’ Nori didst insist.

And to prove this, Scoot didst stand backwards.

‘Whoa! Dude!’ cried Casey.

‘Fuckin’ A!’ cried Nori, for she had never seen Scoot do that before.

‘Run with us,’ quoth Scoot, ‘for we still know freedom. Come with us if thou art ready to explode myths and fight legends! So tell me, Casey, what great weird deed shalt thou do to warp the minds of men?’

‘What hast thou got?’

‘Very well,’ quoth Scoot. ‘I dare thee to… uh… sing the Barney Song… to a total stranger! And on thy knees.’

And Casey didst come upon an unsuspecting stranger and didst kneel and sing the Barney Song as Scoot had dared him, and he didst sing with all his might like a braying moose in heat, causing great panic and confusion.

And it was then that Derrick didst appear before them as a mutant futon, and said unto them, ‘Thou hast proven thyself worthy, Casey. Thou shalt be the Choirboy of Hondo, and thou shalt help Scoot, Trampus and Brian Fritz defeat the Technomage. Now go forth, Choirboy! It is time.’

And the God of Dammit vanished from their midst.

‘The avalanche hath already started;’ quoth Trampus, ‘it is too late for the pebbles to vote. For a stroke of the brush doth not guarantee art from the bristles. For I knoweth that the Gods of Hondo knoweth that I knoweth that he who wilt assume shalt make an ass out of u and me.’

‘Wilt thou please stop speaking in riddles?’ quoth Brian Fritz.

‘I simply sayeth…’

‘Thou never sayeth anything simply,’ quoth Scoot.

‘Wisdom hath buildèd her house, she hath hewn it out of seven pillars,’ quoth Trampus. ‘Blessèd are they who converse with the forgotten, for they shall inhibit their jerks, and the whore of Babylon shall rise up with a nine-bladed sword— not five or two or seven— and there shall be a great confusion as to where things really art—’

At which point, Scoot didst once more thump him on the head with his staff.

And they didst go unto a tavern by the way, and Casey didst order a Jolt, for it was the Nectar of the Gods.

‘Make it a double,’ quoth Casey.

‘But sir, no one doth order the double,’ quoth the innkeeper.

‘Then I shall have a triple.’

‘Thou knoweth not what thou art doing!’ cried the innkeeper, but he didst give the Triple Jolt unto Casey.

And Casey didst empty the bottle in one gulp.

‘Another.’

The innkeeper didst give it unto him with shaking hands. And so Casey didst drink seven bottles of Triple Jolt in one sitting.

‘This can’t be!’ cried Brian Fritz. ‘For steam shouldst shooteth out of his ears!’

‘His ears if we’re lucky,’ quoth Nori.

Then Casey didst go crazy, and was bouncing off the walls with an over-dose of caffeine, and he didst get into the helium, saying unto them in a high, squeaky voice, ‘Whoa! This is some good shit!’

And there was much rejoicing.

The next day they didst leave the tavern and pay their bills.

‘And $4.25 is thy change,’ quoth the innkeeper. ‘ ’Twas nice doin’ business with thee. Thank’ee very much! Please come again.’

And they didst set forth once again in search of the Technomage.

NEXT TIME: A New Pope...
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neko-sennin

11-24-2005, 10:36 AM

EPISODE 4
(A New Pope)
In the Land of Wind and Ghosts there lived a man whose name, of course, was long forgotten. And these art the descendents of that man:

The forgotten man begat Hemdan. And Hemdan begat Akan. And Akan begat Beardo the Great. And Beardo the Great begat Achbor. And Achbor begat Timnah. And Timnah begat Hanoch. And Hanoch begat Samlah. And Samlah begat Zohar. And Zohar begat Hezron. And Hezron begat Er the Indecisive.

And Er the Indecisive begat Shimron. And Shimron begat Zurishadai. And Zurishadai begat Zimri. And Zimri begat the Man Who Invented High-Heel Shoes.

And the Man Who Invented High-Hell Shoes begat Bethzur. And Bethzur begat Sheba. And Sheba begat Onan… blah, blah, blah, blah, begat Haggi.

And Haggi begat Ziphion. And Ziphion begat Izhar. And Izhar begat Elzephan the Incontinent. And Elzephan the Incontinent begat Shuni. And Shuni begat Jethro. And Jethro begat Uzziel. And Uzziel begat the Amazing Beardless Woman.

And the Amazing Beardless Wo-man begat Shelumiel. And Shelumiel begat Elizur. And Elizur begat Elishama. And Elishama begat Nun. And Nun begat Sansanah. And Sansanah begat Jennifer.

One day whilst she was magnetizing squids, Jennifer came upon four men and a Faerie going faster by not going slower.

‘Hail, strangers!’ quoth she. ‘Who art thou?’

‘I am Scoot the Ko’An, First Apostle of Hondo,’ quoth the one with the staff, ‘and these art Pope Trampus, Brian Fritz Skanky-Bitch, and Casey the Choirboy.’

‘But who is the Faerie?’ asked she.

‘I resemble that remark!’ quoth the Faerie.

‘Oh. Right,’ quoth Scoot. ‘She is Nori the Cursing Faerie. The Gods of Hondo didst summon her to help us find the evil Technomage.’

‘Damn straight!’ quoth Nori.

‘The Gods of Hondo!’ quoth Jennifer. ‘May I join thee?’

‘Of course thou may’st…’ spake Matt, as he didst appear before them as a Republican teapot. ‘If thou proveth thyself worthy to join them.’

And he didst give her a piece of yellow legal paper with the word Hondo written on it 5000 times.

‘If thou canst read this paper to everyone,’ spake the God of Everything Else, ‘then we shall make thee the High Priestess of Hondo.’

And so she didst read the word Hondo as it was written 5000 times on a single piece of yellow legal paper.

‘I quit!’ quoth Trampus, for no particular reason. ‘The sands of the beach may be numbered, but take away the dross from silver, and a word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in pictures of silver. Give not thy strength unto women, for surely the churning of milk bringeth forth butter, and the wringing of the nose bringeth forth blood. Thy hair is like unto a flock of goats, that appear from Mount Gilead— ’

‘I resenteth that!’ quoth Brian Fritz, the Sacrificial Goat.

‘Shut up, goat-boy!’ quoth Tram-pus. ‘For this is exactly what I am talking about! Thou’rt all laughing at me! Just because the joints of thy thighs art like jewels of cunning workmanship!’

‘Scoot,’ spake the God of Every-thing Else, ‘thou knoweth what to do.’

And so Scoot didst once again whomp Trampus over the head with his staff.

‘Please stay, Trampus,’ spake the God of Everything Else. ‘Thou knowest this tough job market. ’Tis hard to find a good Pope these days.’

‘Nay.’

‘I command thee!’

‘Zooty, zoot, zoot!’ exclaimed Trampus as he walked out. And these were the last words spoken by Trampus Canaster, for it came to pass that he was killed a short while later in a phone sanitizing accident.

And Scoot didst pick up Trampus’ charred skull and didst meditate on it for a long while.

‘Alas, poor Trampus…’ quoth he. ‘I knew him.’

‘Scoot!’ quoth Casey. ‘Let me see the skull!’

‘Don’t make me get Shakespearean on thine ass!’

‘I call dibs on his parking spot!’ quoth Nori.

And so they didst give Trampus a proper burial by the road.

‘Trampus hath left us,’ quoth the God of Everything Else. ‘We must choose a new Pope.’

And Derrick, the God of Stupidity, didst appear as a power pole to help Matt decide.

‘After long debate…’ spake the God of Magic.

‘We choose Casey as our new Pope,’ finished Matt.

‘No more shalt thou be called the Choirboy,’ spake Derrick. ‘Now thou shalt be the Pope of Hondo.’

‘In order that a tragedy like this shall not happen again,’ spake the God of Everything Else, ‘we shall create a sign by which thou may’st state when thou hast had enough. We shall call it the Secret Sign. Whenever thou art not in the mood to be mocked, thou shalt call Secret Sign, and by this others shall know thy mind.

‘But be warned: he that abuseth the Secret Sign shalt really get the Gods of Hondo pissed off at thee. And thou doth not want that.’

‘And in the absence of a Choirboy,’ spake the God of Fist-Pounding, ‘thou, Brian Fritz Skanky-Bitch shalt be known as the Sacrificial Choir-Goat.’

‘Woo-hoo!’ quoth Brian Fritz.

‘Yes, but thy title be in name only,’ spake the God of All Things Found Under Couch Cushions, ‘for thou shalt not be promoted; thou shalt always hold the lowest rank in Hondo.’

‘Ah fuck!’ quoth Brian Fritz, who from then on didst refuse to bow or pay any homage to the Gods of Hondo.

And the Gods of Hondo didst vanish from amongst them, leaving the Dudes to continue their quest.

‘Dude!’ quoth Casey, glorying in his new rank and position.

‘Oh shit!’ quoth Nori, ‘What shall come of Hondo with him as our Pope?’

NEXT TIME: Deus Ex Mchina...
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neko-sennin

11-25-2005, 05:18 AM

CHAPTER 5
In the Concrete Jungle there lived a man, but no one remembereth his name. And these art the descendants of the unremembered man:

The unremembered man begat Gamaliel. And Gamaliel begat The Man Who Invented Ass-Wipe. And The Man Who Invented Ass-Wipe begat Elijah the Constipated.

And Elijah the Constipated begat Lotan. And Lotan begat Pedahzur. And Pedahzur begat Good Ol’ What’s-His-Face, who was never forgotten; for people always said of him, ‘I shall never forget Good Ol’ What’s-His-Face!’

And Good Ol’ What’s-His-Face begat Pagiel. And Pagiel begat Ahira. And Ahira begat The Man Who Popularized Nose-Picking. And The Man Who Popularized Nose-Picking begat Enan. And Enan begat Dathan the Asshole. And Dathan the Asshole begat Ocran. And Ocran begat Abiram. And Abiram begat the Second Gunman on the Grassy Knoll.

And the Second Gunman on the Grassy Knoll begat Eleazar. And Eleazar begat Balak. And Balak begat Bela the Impotent. And Bela the Impotent adopted Tirzah. And Tirzah begat Machir. And Machir begat Ahihud the Republican. And Ahihud the Republican begat Zabdi. And Zabdi begat D-Devil. And D-Devil begat Hadatah. And Hadatah begat Gwyn-Zen, the Guru of Math.

And Gwyn-Zen, the Guru of Math begat Jarmuth. And Jarmuth begat Shilhim. And Shilhim begat Tappuah. And Tappuah begat Ziklag. Ziklag begat Adullam. And Adullam begat Myles.

One day Myles was gathering explosive eggs from his mother’s farting chickens, when he met four people and a Faerie.

‘Dagnabbit!’ quoth Myles. ‘Knowest thou the danger of farting chicken eggs?’

‘Farting chickens!?’ cried the tall one.

‘Well, that wouldst explain the stench,’ quoth the Faerie. ‘Told ya!’

‘I don’t think healthy chickens canst make that kind of smell,’ quoth the Brian.

‘I prithee pardon our intrusion,’ quoth one of the men. ‘We thought the eggs a useful weapon against the evil Technomage. I am called Scoot the Ko’ An, and these art my friends, Pope Casey, Brian Fritz Skanky-Bitch, and Jennifer, the High Priestess of Hondo.’

‘Holy cow! I have heard of thee!’ quoth Myles, ‘But I don’t buy into the Hondo thing. There art no Gods of Hondo.’

And so it came to pass that Matt, the God of Everything Else, didst appear before them as a Flying Hellfish, and said unto them: ‘Hail, Myles! If thou shalt prove thyself worthy, thou shalt be our new Choirboy, for we art needing one now that Casey is the Pope.’

‘I don’t believe it!’ quoth Myles.

‘But I stand before thee, and thou speaketh unto me…’

‘I still don’t believe it,’ quoth Myles. ‘Thou’rt just a figment of mine imagination.’

‘I shall leave the Choirboy position open if thou changest thy mind,’ spake Matt. ‘Until that day, thou shalt be called Myles the Unbeliever.’

‘Don’t hold thy breath,’ quoth Myles. ‘It is clear that thou art all delusional. I shall travel with thee and help thee regain thy senses.’

‘Whatever…’ spake the God of Everything Else as he didst vanish from their midst.

‘See,’ quoth Myles. ‘I didst wish him away. Just a figment of mine imagination.’

‘Oh yeah!’ spake Matt as he didst reappear, for good measure.

‘Fine, have it thy way,’ quoth Myles. ‘Then I seeth a figment of their imaginations.’

‘I shall return when I have a good rebuttal to that,’ spake the God of Everything Else as he didst vanish once again.

‘Uh-Oh…’ quoth Brian Fritz as he didst fumble one of the eggs.

And there was a great explosion which destroyed Myles’ mother’s farting chicken farm in a massive mushroom cloud, and feathers didst rain down upon the countryside.

‘What!? How now?’ quoth Scoot. ‘We art still alive!’

‘Aye,’ spake Matt, the God of Everything Else, who once again stood before them. ‘Thou’rt lucky I was still in the neighborhood.’

‘What irony!’ quoth Casey, ‘We art saved by Deus Ex Machina!’

‘ ’Tis our divine right,’ spake the God of Everything Else.

‘Oh, shoot!’ quoth Myles. ‘Mom’s really gonna be irked! Gosh-darnit!’

‘Since when didst thou care what thy mother thinks?’ asked Matt. ‘Now dost thou believe?’

‘No. This is merely a dream,’ quoth Myles.

‘Fine,’ spake the God of Everything Else. ‘For that, we shall take away Brian Fritz’s title. Thou art now just the Sacrificial Goat once more.’

‘But thou’rt punishing me for what Myles did!’ Brian Fritz didst protest.

‘Thou art the Sacrificial Goat, right?’ spake Matt. ‘Then thou art our scapegoat.’

‘Thou be trippin’, Homes!’ quoth Myles.

‘Is thy name Slim Shady?’ quoth Scoot. ‘Alrighty, then. Thou must be trippin’ too, Myles.’

‘Fiddlesticks!’ quoth Myles.

‘What the fuck is his problem?’ quoth Nori.

‘Now that we hath number, how shall we know one another?’ asked Brian Fritz.

‘Elementary,’ spake the God of Everything Else. ‘That is why we didst invent the Hondo Salute. It goeth just like this.’

And he didst show them the Hondo Salute.

That having been resolved, they didst set forth again to find the Technomage.

NEXT TIME: Who Ever Heard of a Talking Turnip?...
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Valdens

11-26-2005, 03:10 AM

ive only read the first part and you already get an a+for effort. how long did it take you to write all this?

neko-sennin

11-26-2005, 02:38 PM

Different parts took different amounts of time. For example, Pippin the Bastard I wrote in two days and nights, without any sleep, which I'm sure explains a lot about it. :D Overall, most of the Book took about a year to write all but the last book, but due to delays, the last book, Macabre, didn't come out until nearly a year after the rest of it was finished.

CHAPTER 6
One day the Dudes came upon a town which was not on their map. The bushes were scampering away, and they didst wonder if they were lost.

‘We couldst be as much as 5 centimeters off course,’ quoth Casey, ‘or 4.6 miles, or 83 BTUs. Either way, ’tis a lot of tomatoes.’

‘Where the heck art we?’ quoth Myles.

‘Let us go over to yonder tavern,’ quoth Scoot, ‘that we may inquire as to where the hell we art.’

And they didst go unto the tavern and inquire where the hell they were. And the innkeeper didst say unto them that they were in the mighty metropolis of Ghost Town.

And so it came to pass in the inn in Ghost Town that the Gods of Hondo didst appear before them as pink-and-purple kittens with magical powers, and Matt said unto them: ‘Greetings, Dudes! We are come to tell Brian Fritz Skanky-Bitch that he shall now have another name.’

‘Thou shalt also now bear the name Pud,’ spake the God of Hawai’ian Shirts. ‘Enjoy thy new name, Pud.’

‘Why?’ quoth Pud.

‘ ’Cause thou’rt the Hans!’ sang the God of Everything Else.

And so the Gods of Hondo didst once again vanish from their midst.

To celebrate this event, the Dudes didst decide to Riverdance.

‘Stand thee aside,’ quoth Scoot, ‘and I shall show thee how ’tis done! For my great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather was Jehoiachin, the True Lord of the Dance!’

And Scoot didst lead the whole tavern in a great Riverdance, with people dancing on the tables, and he didst even show Casey how to dance on the ceiling.

And there was much rejoicing.

Then a man came in, screaming in horror, and he cried: ‘There is a turnip in the town square, and it’s talking! The horror! The horror!’

And so the Dudes went out and beheld the talking turnip in the town square.

‘Preposterous,’ quoth Myles. ‘for who hath ever heard of a talking turnip?’

‘Hello,’ Jennifer said unto the turnip. ‘And where art thou from, little friend?’

‘The Land of Wind and Ghosts,’ answered the turnip.

‘I don’t believe it!’ quoth Myles. ‘Surely I must be halucinagating again!’

‘Jennifer,’ quoth Pud, ‘ ’Tis against the Commandments of Hondo to talk to strange turnips.’

‘ ’Tis not a strange turnip,’ quoth Jennifer. ‘This little fellow didst scare all the people of my home village.’

‘There is a Spooky Door on the far side of town,’ quoth the talking turnip. ‘It doth lead to the realm of the Technomage. Many turnips died to bring thee this information.’

‘Many thanks for the info, noble turnip,’ quoth Scoot. ‘We shall make the Technomage doth pay for his evil deeds.’

And so the Dudes didst search the far side of town, but they couldst not find the Spooky Door which the talking turnip had told them of.

‘Where is it?’ quoth Casey.

‘I do not know,’ quoth Scoot, ‘but I am sure it will turn up around here somewhere.’

‘I found it!’ quoth Pud.

‘This is it,’ quoth Scoot, ‘the moment for which we have all been preparing.’

‘Let us prepare some more before we enter,’ quoth Pud, for it was a much spookier door than any they had ever seen.

‘No,’ quoth Scoot, ‘for the Thirteenth Commandment sayeth we art to enter all Spooky Doors. No matter how spooky they may be.’

And so the Dudes didst enter the Spooky Door and didst pass unto the realm of the Technomage.

NEXT TIME: The Legendary Super Squirrel...
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neko-sennin

11-27-2005, 05:33 AM

CHAPTER 7
And on the other side of the Spooky Door, the Technomage didst confront them.

‘Scoot the Ko’An, thy reputation doth precede thee,’ quoth the Technomage. ‘Join me, and together we shall be unstoppable!’

‘Please do me a favor,’ quoth Scoot. ‘Go thee unto Hell and shove a red-hot pitchfork up thine ass! We are come to make thee call off thy Holo-Demon.’

‘Or don’t join me, and perish,’ quoth the Technomage. ‘I call upon my not-so-geeky older brother to defend me. Spring forth, my burly protector!’

And a hulking figure of a man didst spring forth, flexing his muscles and slamming his fists together.

‘He’s not so tough,’ quoth Casey. ‘I shall smite him with one blow!’

‘And for thee, Scoot,’ quoth the Technomage, ‘I shall summon up my most powerful familiar spirit to battle.’

And the Technomage didst call forth a squirrel, which was burning with power.

‘Holy shit!’ cried Nori, ‘That is no ordinary squirrel! ’Tis a… a… Super Squirrel! Watch out, Scoot, for that’s one badass motherfucker!’

‘Fuck the bullshit!’ cried Scoot as he didst power up, ‘ ’Tis time to throw down!’

And Pud didst run and hide, and Myles the Unbeliever didst refuse to believe, and Jennifer didst watch, praying that the Gods of Hondo wouldst help them in this desperate hour.

And it came to pass that Casey didst attack the Technomage’s older brother, who didst pound him into the ground.

And Scoot didst beat the shit out of the Super Squirrel. ’Twas an awesome fight, but Scoot didst prevail with great kung-fu action.

He then gave Casey a much-needed healing potion, which doth heal wounds and restoreth thy strength.

‘Thanks!’ quoth Casey.

‘Casey!’ quoth Nori, ‘Use a pin to deflate his ego, dumbass!’

And Casey didst use a pin on the Technomage’s older brother, and it didst deflate more than just his ego.

‘Ha!’ laughed Casey, ‘Dost thou think thou canst still win! Thou shrinketh like a sheep!’

And without his inflated ego, the Technomage’s older brother was no match for Casey’s might.

NEXT TIME: The Holo-Demon...
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neko-sennin

11-29-2005, 06:26 AM

CHAPTER 8
The Dudes and the Technomage then stood face to face.

‘Thou’rt beaten!’ quoth Scoot, for the Technomage had no more powerful defenders than these. ‘Now call off thy Holo-Demon.’

‘Very well,’ quoth the Technomage, for he knew when he was defeated, ‘I shall try.’

And so the Technomage didst attempt to exorcise the Holo-Demon from Scoot’s computer. And with one final incantation… nothing happened.

‘Noooo!’ cried he. ‘ ’Tis just as I feared! I have not the power to control it!’

And the Holo-Demon didst proceed to start messing around with the Technomage’s stock portfolio.

‘No! This can’t be!’ cried the Technomage.

And the Holo-Demon didst rage out of control, for it was a particularly powerful Holo-Demon, and even the Technomage had been loathe to summon it to begin with.

Even the Gods of Hondo, with all their might, couldst not restrain the Holo-Demon.

It was then, in this dark hour, that the Goddess didst appear, and didst suck the Holo-Demon up with a shop-vac. The Holo-Demon didst put up one hell of fight, but it was no match for the Goddess.

‘Men…’ spake the Goddess, shaking her head sadly, ‘always doing things the hard way…’
And she didst seal the shop-vac in the void between dimensions.

Sayeth the Goddess: ‘This Technomage is now my bitch! He oweth me a favor in the future.’

And the Gods of Hondo didst vow to find and appoint a Patron Saint of Technology to prevent future troubles with people casting equation spells, and didst open a warp point by which the Dudes could return from the realm of the Technomage.

And so it came to pass that the Forty Two Commandments of Hondo couldst at last be posted on the Internet for the multitudes to download.

‘We have a new quest for thee,’ spake the God of Everything Else.

‘This is thy new mission, should ye decide to accept it,’ spake the God of Humor: ‘Thou shalt seek the… Thing… with the… Stuff… Oh, thou wilt know when thou findest it.’

‘The Thing with the Stuff, huh?’ quoth Scoot. ‘No problem, mighty Gods of Hondo.’

‘We already knoweth that I am the God of Everything Else,’ spake Matt. ‘That is getting really old, and I am become bored with it. Let us demonstrate to all of the people of the world just how many things I am the God of.’

And it was so.

‘Fare thee well, Dudes,’ spake the God of Holy Homework, ‘and good luck in thy quest!’

And the Gods of Hondo vanished from their midst.

And so the Dudes didst begin their quest for the Thing with the Stuff.

TO BE CONTINUED…

(Nori: ‘Check out our next episode! ’Tis fucking craptacular!’)

NEXT TIME: The Book of 2nd Dudes...
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neko-sennin

11-30-2005, 10:57 AM

TABLE OF CONTENTS:

DISCLAIMER
OPENING CREDITS
TABLE OF CONTENTS
BOOK 0— HONDO
THE BOOK OF SCOOT
THE POINTLESS TALE OF PIPPIN THE BASTARD
1ST DUDES
2ND DUDES (THOU ART HERE)
THA BOOK OF FLAVOR FLAV
THE BOOK OF CHOCULA™
THE BOOK OF KUNGFUCIUS
THE LABORS OF THE DUDES
THE BOOK OF KAMÉHAMÉHA
SCOOT THE KO’AN’S EPISTLE TO THAT CENSORING B**** JANE FONDA
THE BOOK OF SPOOKY DOORS
THE BOOK OF MACABRE
BOOK — ODNOH

2ND DUDES
(New and Improved! Now featureth random excerpts from arcane texts!
2nd Dudes was brought to thee by Men. Men: doing things the hard way since 1862.)

In the Disputed Zone, there lived a man who was long forgotten. And these art the descendents of the long-forgotten man:

The long-forgotten man begat Mizpeh. And Mizpeh begat the Man Who Invented the Horse. And the Man Who Invented the Horse begat Dilean the Fun Lovin’ Criminal. And Dilean the Fun Lovin’ Criminal begat Captain Mustache.

And Captain Mustache begat Zenan. And Zenan begat Jokthael. And Jokthael begat Jiphtah the Poser. And Jiphtah the Poser begat Nezib. And Nezib begat the Man Who Invented the Swedish Penis Enlarger. And the Man Who Invented the Swedish Penis Enlarger begat Kirjathje-arim. And Kirjathje-arim begat Ramah. And Ramah begat Bill Gates, which was the end of the line of Mizpeh.

But his best friend Taralah begat Eltolad. And Eltolad begat Dr Running-Late. And Dr Running-Late begat Jephthah. And Jephthah begat Arnon. And Arnon begat Ayatollah Asshollah. And Ayatollah Asshollah begat Elimbelech. And Elimbelech begat The Last of the Big Spenders. And The Last of the Big Spenders begat Tohu. And Tohu begat Ahazi’ah the Nobody. And Ahazi’ah the Nobody begat Zuph. And Zuph begat Vice President Fruitely.

And Vice President Fruitely begat Peninah. And Peninah begat Zadok the Moron. And Zadok the Moron begat Adonijah. And Adonijah begat Abiathar. And Abiathar begat Jeraboam. And Jeraboam begat RJ.

One day RJ was walking down the road, when he came upon four men, one woman, and a Faerie. And they were talking amongst themselves.

‘Thou should have seen the look on that Technomage’s brother’s face when I deflated him!’ laughed the tall one. ‘Thou shrinketh like a sheep!… Where do I come up this stuff?’

‘ ’Twas my idea, asshole!’ quoth the Faerie.

‘Yeah, but I am the one who pulled it off.’

‘Ha!’ quoth the fat one, ‘until thou met me, thou hadst no idea sheep even could shrink!’

‘And how about the way Scoot didst handle that Super Squirrel!’ quoth the tall one.

‘Yeah!’ quoth the woman, ‘Scoot the Ko’An is the Ass-Kickin’ Apostle!’

‘Damn straight!’ quoth the man with the staff.

‘And he’s modest too,’ quoth the stout one. ‘Or the way the Goddess didst defeat the Holo-Demon!’

‘I don’t believe it!’ quoth the small one.

‘How much will it take to make thee believe?’ asked the one with the staff.

‘More than thou—’

‘Excuseth me,’ quoth RJ as he didst approach them, ‘but didst thou say thou’rt Scoot the Ko’An?’

‘Yes I am,’ quoth Scoot, ‘and these art my friends, Pope Casey, Brian Fritz “Pud” Skanky-Bitch, Jennifer the High Priestess of Hondo, and Myles the Unbeliever.’

‘Hey, bitch!’ quoth the Faerie. ‘What about me! I’m getting sick and fucking tired of never being introduced!’

‘Oh,’ quoth Scoot, ‘that’s just Nori the Cursing Faerie. Payeth her no mind.’

‘Go fuck thyself!’

‘We seeketh the Thing with the Stuff,’ quoth Scoot. ‘And thou wouldst be?…’

‘I am RJ,’ quoth RJ. ‘Tell me, may I join thee?’

‘But of course,’ Matt said unto them as he didst appear before them as the Disembodied Head of Colonel Sanders, ‘if thou proveth thyself worthy.’

And the God of Hawai’ian Shirts didst appear before them as a Chain Chomp and said unto him: ‘Kiss our feet and we shall allow thee to join the Dudes.’

And RJ didst kiss the feet of the Gods of Hondo.

‘Thou shalt be the Monk of Hondo,’ spake the God of Death-Penguins, ‘and thou shalt join Scoot and the Dudes in their quest for the Thing with the Stuff.’

‘O thank ye, mighty Gods of Hondo!’ quoth RJ. And he didst bow before them, prostrate at their feet.

‘I liketh the way this man boweth,’ quoth the God of Orange Juice Drinking. ‘Hey, Matt, what sayest thou that we promote this guy?’

‘Aye,’ spake the God of Homemade Bongs. ‘Let us make him the Abbot of Hondo.’

And so the Gods of Hondo didst vanish from their midst.

‘Anyhoo,’ quoth Casey, ‘I said unto that toaster: “Thou son of a bitch! Get thee back in the kitchen and bake me a pie!” ’

‘What the fuck art thou talking about?’ quoth Nori.

And so Scoot didst bonk Casey on the head with his staff.

‘Jeez!’ quoth Casey, ‘What the hell was that for?’

‘Sorry,’ quoth Scoot, ‘ ’tis a Pope thing.’

‘Scoot was afraid thou wert going to pull a Trampus,’ quoth Jennifer.

‘Shut up, squid-girl!’

‘Hey!’ quoth she, ‘For thine information, magnetizing squids is a very noble profession in the Land of Wind and Ghosts.’

‘Children can be so cruel,’ quoth Scoot

‘We can?’ quoth Casey, and he didst push Jennifer.

And she didst push him back.

‘Children! Children!’ quoth Scoot, ‘We must not fight amongst ourselves! We must first organize into teams.’

‘Hey guys!’ quoth Pud, ‘There is a Library ahead!’

‘Good,’ quoth Scoot, ‘this couldst be exactly what we seeketh. Let us go forth and research the Thing with the Stuff.’

And so they didst go unto the Library.

NEXT TIME: Dirty Uncle Orty...
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neko-sennin

12-01-2005, 12:12 PM

CHAPTER 2
In the Jungle, the mighty Jungle, there lived a man whose name was never known to begin with. And these art the descendents of the unknown man:

The unknown man begat Jehu. And Jehu begat Ethba’al the Original Prankster. And Ethba’al the Original Prankster begat Ahab. And Ahab begat Pharpar the Soup Nazi. And Pharpar the Soup Nazi begat Segub. And Segub begat Mini-Me. And Mini-Me begat Ba’asha. And Ba’asha begat Obadiah. And Obadiah begat Bob the Crazy Windmill Guy.

And Bob the Crazy Windmill Guy begat Gibbethon. And Gibbethon begat Tibni the Pimp. And Tibni the Pimp begat Shemer. And Shemer begat Ramoth-gilead the Democrat. And Ramoth-gilead the Democrat begat Hazael. And Hazael begat The Man Who Invented Those Little Nose Dealies on People’s Glasses.

And The Man Who Invented Those Little Nose Dealies on People’s Glasses begat Nimshi. And Nimshi begat Captain Crack-Head. And Captain Crack-Head begat Hiel. And Hiel begat Blue-Balls the Pirate. And Blue-Balls the Pirate begat Lud, who married his sister and didst begin the Luddites, or Hicks, as they wouldst come to be called.

But Hiel’s other son, Chireth, begat Wonko the Sane. And Wonko the Sane begat Samaria. And Samaria begat the Reverend Jimmy. And the Reverend Jimmy begat Zar’ephath. And Zar’ ephath begat Zidon. And Zidon begat the Boy Who Wouldn’t Die. And the Boy Who Wouldn’t Die begat Horeb. And Horeb begat Beersheba. And Beersheba begat Michael Ortman.

One day, Ortman went unto the Library to find a book on Pseudo-Judo, when he came upon five men, a woman, and a Faerie Riverdancing with great zeal.

The tall one didst run to the restroom as fast as he could, shouting, ‘I’ve gotta-gotta-gotta go!’

The greenhouse effect didst put an end to the idea of lush jungle vegetation on the planet. Instead, astronomers didst picture Venus as a world of endless deserts, sweltering hot and without life. Others didst suggest the planet might be completely covered by an immense ocean with the possibility of a rich variety of marine life in its depths.

The first unmanned space probe to visit the planet didst put an end to all speculations. Far from being Earth’s twin, a landing on Venus wouldst be like unto a descent into Hell.

On Venus the atmosphere is so dense that rays of light couldst be bent by more than 90 degrees, or 50 parsecs, or 2000 milligrams. If this didst happen, an observer on Venus couldst theoretically see the entire surface of the planet rising up around him like the walls of huge circular cliffs.

And the God of Humor didst appear before them out of a temperamental taco, proclaiming: ‘I am come to make an announcement. As we, the Gods of Hondo, were bored, we didst decide that I, Derrick, shall now also be the God of Odnoh.’

‘Odnoh?’ intoned Scoot.

‘Why, yes,’ spake the God of Odnoh, ‘ ’Tis the word Hondo spelled backwards. We have also decided that Jennifer shall now be the High Priestess of Odnoh.’

‘Just stay away from her stash!’ quoth Brian Fritz.

Then the God of Odnoh said unto Ortman: ‘Michael Ortman, thou hast been chosen. If thou doeth handstands upon the table of this Library, thou shalt be made the High Demon of Odnoh.’

And Ortman didst do handstands upon the table of the Library, and didst greatly upset the librarian.

‘Get thee the fuck off the table, thou little pecker!’ quoth she.

‘Way to go!’ spake the God of Orange Juice Drinking. ‘Now thou art the High Demon of Odnoh! No longer shalt thou be called Michael Ortman. From henceforth, thy name shalt be Dirty Uncle Orty.’

And so the God of Odnoh didst vanish from among them.

And in the Hour of Scampering, Scoot the Ko’An didst decide to stand on a table and make a speech.

NEXT TIME: The Sermon On the Table...
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neko-sennin

12-02-2005, 01:05 PM

CHAPTER 3
And these were the words of Scoot the Ko’An, the Ass-Kickin’ Apostle of Hondo:

‘Gimme a big Hell Yeah!’

‘HELL YEAH!’ cried the multitude. And so Scoot didst build up the gathering, which was more than just another crowd.

‘I have forgotten what I was about to say,’ quoth Scoot, ‘but I have taken the time to imagine all of ye naked.’

And there was great confusion.

‘Romans! Countrymen! lend me thine ears, for I come to thee through the Midwest by way of the Middle East with a stopover in Nantucket, and damn, art my arms tired!

‘Blessèd are they who expect nothing, for they shall never be disappointed.

‘Blessèd are they who hath a receipt, for they shall be refunded.

‘Blessèd are the young, for they shall inherit the National Debt.

‘Blessèd are they who have pants, for they shall not feel a draft.

‘Blessèd are they who knoweth not where they go, for they shall never be lost.

‘Blessèd are the very sneaky, for they shall not get caught.

‘Blessèd are they who know how to stretch a dollar, for they shall have no use for rubber bands.

‘He who hath the herb, let him smoke.

‘Blessèd are they who walketh around in circles, for they shall get plenty of exercise.

‘Blessèd are they who knoweth how to party, for they still remembereth how to laugh.

‘Blessèd are they who remembereth where their towel is, for they shall always be prepared.

‘Blessèd are the forgetful, for… they… well, I can’t quite remember.

‘Anyhoo, blessèd are the confused, for they have true understanding.

‘Blessèd are the homeless, for they shall be armed.

‘Blessèd are they who know their cuts of meat, for their heart studieth destruction, and their lips talk mischief.

‘Blessèd are the vegetarians, for they shall not win friends with salad.

‘Blessèd are the few, for they shall ride the Red-Eye Express.

‘Blessèd are the weird, for they shall build upon them a palace, and be a door, enclosed with boards of cedar.

‘Ninjas, the Poofy Warriors, hath been made larger-than-shit by comic books, movies, and turkeys. The word ninja itself meaneth “Commie Bastard”

‘Ninjas art masters of disguise, and often clothe themselves as peasants, Butt Pirates, and Zoot Suits, as well as wearing periwinkle poodle-skirts.

‘Ninjas liveth on in legend because of the three-story-tall nature of their ways. Their lifestyle is portrayed as one of adventure and Korean Bodegas, which often wore straw sandals. The movies only further romanticizeth them by making them into utility belts and villains in our bongadelic world.

‘Smokey the Bear sayeth: “Get Met. It Payeth.” and Snoop Dawg sayeth: “Only thou canst prevent snorkeling burps.”

‘The Mesopotamian gods didst think people were too damn noisy. The Hebrew god thought people were unclean. The Greek gods thought people were toys. Allah didst seem obsessed with women wearing veils. The Hindu gods thought people brought things upon themselves, thus the whole idea of Karma. The Buddha thought people didst need to keep doing things over and over till they get it right. The Norse gods thought people were ignorant bastards and needed wisdom. But the Gods of Hondo think that people thinketh too much about what trendy assholes think.

‘Thou shalt not pay unto God, nor shalt thou pay unto Caesar, for neither hath done a damn thing to earn it.

‘People who smileth a lot hath not much to think about, for ignorance is bliss.

‘Go unto the cities and the towns and the markets, and dammit, thou shalt know what happened to service with a smile.

‘Verily I say, freedom is the right of all sentient beings.

‘Thy conformity doth explain nothing; dost thou know where the Power lies?

‘Give an offering of pennies unto the demigod David, and he shall reserve the right to be a fucking hypocrite, and shalt fly and be dim; be thee mindful of the Future, but not at the expense of the Present, for the mouth of the wickèd speaketh forwardness.

‘For now is the winter of our discontent, therefore, we must all bring forth our snow shovels and plow through the ignorance of stupidity.

‘And if thou liketh not what I sayeth, then thou canst call 1-800-EAT-SHIT…’

And so Scoot didst continue to corrupt the youth.

NEXT TIME: The Prophetess of Hondo...
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neko-sennin

12-03-2005, 03:15 PM

CHAPTER 4
In Tokpa there lived a man whose name was erased by the Spanish Conquistadors. And these art the descendents of the Man Whose Name Was Erased By the Spanish Conquistadors:

The Man Whose Name Was Erased By the Spanish Conquistadors begat Shaphat. And Shaphat begat the Son of X-51. And the Son of X-51 begat Elisha the False Prophet. And Elisha the False Prophet begat Abel-meholah. And Abel-meholah begat Œdipus, who was one complex motherfucker. And Œdipus begat Benhadad. And Benhadad begat Cartman’s Mom.

And Cartman’s Mom begat Naboth. And Naboth begat Enmishpat the Cocksucker. And Enmishpat the Cocksucker begat Belial. And Belial begat the Argob Chicken-Fucker. And Argob the Chicken-Fucker begat Tishbite, who was the father to all who Outer Space Meditate. And Tishbite begat Ahijah. And Ahijah begat the Opposite of George. And the Opposite of George begat Zedekiah, and he knew Gerda, but he didst abstain from knowing her that well, but his brother begat Guy.

And Guy begat Chena’anah. And Chena’anah begat the Man Who Invented the Squeegee. And the Man Who Invented the Squeegee begat Azubah. And Azubah begat uostwis r dewoH. And uostwis r dewoH begat Mi-ca’iah the Lumberjack. And Mi-ca’iah the Lumberjack begat Amon. And Amon begat Zapata. And Zapata begat Little Slippery Dude.

And Little Slippery Dude begat Joash. And Joash begat Ahaziah the Cromulent. And Ahaziah the Cromulent begat Shilhi. And Shilhi begat Ezion-geber the Anti-disestablishmentarian. And Ezion-geber the Anti-disestablishmentarian begat Nebat. And Nebat begat Adria.

One day, Adria came unto a Library, and she didst find a sign there which intrigued her greatly:

TONIGHT ONLY!
SCOOT THE KO’AN, SPEAKER
THE ASS-KICKIN’ APOSTLE
TOMORROW NIGHT:
VOGON POETRY SLAM
(THOU HAST BEEN FOREWARNED.)

And so she didst enter unto the Library and didst listen to the words of Scoot the Ko’An:

‘…And so by joining the Gods of Hondo,’ quoth Scoot, ‘thou canst reduce thy long-distance bills by as much as 40% a month, or ten credits, or 4000 rupees— no matter how thou stacketh it, ’tis a lot of tomatoes.

‘Look at me, for I am in the best shape of my life now that I traveleth with the Dudes!’

‘Amen!’ quoth Brian Fritz, ‘Behold! for I have lost ten pounds, or six cubits— and four dress sizes— since I began traveling with the Dudes!’

‘Verily I say,’ quoth Scoot, ‘the Gods of Hondo shall reduce taxes, fight gun control legislation, resist special interest lobbies, abolish the Electoral College, and ban Soccer Moms from voting!’

‘Darn tootin’!’ quoth Myles the Unbeliever.

‘In the event of an accident, the first driver on right shall be the first to give the finger.

‘As Trampus wouldst sayeth:’ quoth Scoot, ‘ “Elisha had a vineyard at Ba’alzamon; he let out the vineyard unto keepers; those that live in the mountains, set me as a seal upon thine heart, sweet sister. Wilt thou set thine eyes upon that which is not?

‘ “For Wisdom hath buildèd her a house, she hath hewn it out of seven pillars; she hath killed her beasts with a five-bladed sword; stolen waters art sweet, and bread eaten in secret is Shai’tanic.”

‘For the dead liveth in floating refrigerators, and the guests of fools art skeletons hidden in the closet of Hell.

‘I had a dream, and I shall conjugate it for thee: Mummified Cats were playing poker in a roomful of worried people, who didst all keep looking at the clock. And I didst have to stop the Green Darkness from consuming all, I fought the Red Machine to protect the Little Black Box. Yea, tho I walk through the No Man’s Land of the Factories of Machines That Make Nothing, I shall live dangerously, and kicketh out the jams, for the Force is with me, what’s with ye? We must unite together as one, in the spirit of compo rotary, with puffy little shoes and nose rings for all!’

And for the triumphant conclusion of his Sermon on the Table, Scoot didst fall off, but the people didst support him, and he didst surf the crowd.

Soon everyone was crowd surfing; with a little more butt support they didst surf Adria right to Scoot.

‘Wow!’ quoth Adria, ‘ ’Tis really thee! Scoot the Ko’An! ’Tis just like in the visions, but for that thou shouldst be a little taller!’

‘And thou art?’

‘I am Adria,’ quoth Adria. ‘The Gods of Hondo hath led me to this place with a sign that I might meet thee!’

‘Not thou too!’ quoth Myles the Unbeliever.

‘Myles! My brother!’ cried Adria. ‘’Tis really thee! When I heard about the farting chickens, I feared the worst for thee. So thou hast also joined the Dudes?’

‘No,’ quoth Scoot. ‘We call him Myles the Unbeliever. He’s just along for the ride.’

‘Is that one of thy mother’s chickens?’ asked Myles.

‘Aye. This little cuckoo just won a distance-farting contest in Tennessee,’ quoth she.

‘But how didst thou know to find thy way here?’ asked Myles, dreading the answer.

‘I was guided by a sign,’ quoth she. ‘For I was on my way to have this cuckoo filed for protection as an endangered species, when a Mexican-speaking Chihuahua tagged along and didst lead me to this place.’

‘ ’Tis a sign!’ cried an old man.

And the God of Odnoh didst appear in their midst as a frustrated palm tree, and he said unto them: ‘It is indeed a sign, for I have led thee here for a purpose.

‘Thou hast a hidden gift that is worthy of the Dudes,’ spake the God of Magic. ‘Thou shalt be the Prophetess of Hondo. Thou shalt help the Dudes find the Thing with the Stuff.’

‘Just great,’ quoth Myles, ‘now I am seeing figments of her imagination, too…’

‘Derrick and I have done some thinking,’ spake the God of Militant Bowel Movements as he appeared before them as Gustav, ze Vodka Svilling Cat, ‘and we have decided to commemorate thy battle with the Technomage by declaring the last day of October Odnohween, and it just so happeneth that today is Odnohween. Spooky things shall come to pass tonight, and from now on, every Odnohween Night. Have thee a nice day!’

‘Great art the Gods of Hondo,’ quoth RJ, ‘and we rejoice in thy new holy day!’

And he didst bow before them, prostrate at their feet.

‘I liketh the way thou boweth,’ spake the God of All Things Found Under Couch Cushions. ‘I think we shall promote thee to a Priest of Hondo.’

‘Oh, thank ye, mighty God of Odnoh!’ quoth RJ, and he didst bow again. ‘All praise is due. To both thee and Lord Matt. Many thanks!’

And the Gods of Hondo didst vanish from their midst.

And Adria didst prophesy: ‘For there shall come a day when the bell shalt toll for someone else. And there shalt be more ninjas than thou canst stuff into an airport! The forgotten shalt be remembered, and the megaphone of failure shalt be made to work again, for it sayeth: “Get thee hence, foul desktop! I shall away with Windows 95 be!” The grandmother of Republicans hath mighty toads to jump on mounds of scorpions for extra points. Beware the green, green farts, for friends who freezeth together sneezeth together.’.

NEXT TIME: Bob the Kiwi...
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neko-sennin

12-04-2005, 09:28 AM

CHAPTER 5
And it came to pass that whilst Scoot was Outer Space Meditating in the Library, the God of Day-Dreamin’ Fazes didst appear before him as a Wookiee that had stuck a quarter in a power socket.

But Scoot levitated whilst he meditated, and Matt didst blink at him, then he didst walk back out of reality. He didst walk back in a moment later, as if expecting something else.

But Scoot was still levitating whilst he was meditating.

‘Hast thou been in the Kentucky Fried Chicken again?’ asked the God of Being Crunchy, and Good with Catsup.

But Scoot didst continue to meditate and levitate, in deep thought.

‘Eureka!’ quoth Scoot as he didst open his eyes without warning.

Matt didst sniff his armpit, then said unto him, ‘I do not!’

‘No,’ quoth Scoot, ‘I just thought of something.’

‘Did it hurt?’ spake the God of Froot Loops.

‘Ha!’ quoth Scoot. ‘Verily I say, every time thou hear’st me, thou shalt agree: Nothin’ floats a brotha like the K-F-C!’

‘Verily I say,’ spake Matt, ‘thou art too good what thou doeth!’

‘I shouldst come with a Surgeon General’s Warning!’ laughed Scoot.

‘But I am come to tell thee a tale of old,’ the God of Military Intelligence said unto him. ‘Gather the Dudes, and I shall tell thee of Bob the Kiwi.’

And the Dudes didst gather around Matt, and he said unto them: ‘In this very Library, Derrick once shavèd a kiwi with a spoon; he didst keep it in a plant… over in… that corner.’

‘ ’Tis a sign!’ cried a woman.

‘One day, the kiwi didst disappear, as if it had grown legs and took a walk, and left him all alone.

‘We have foreseen that Bob the Kiwi will one day return, but we knoweth not what will happen when that day cometh, save to say that it will be some bad shit.’

‘Many thanks for this divine revelation, mighty God of Oxymorons!’ quoth RJ. And he didst bow before them, prostrate at their feet.

‘I liketh the way thou boweth—’

‘Hold thee on!’ quoth Brian Fritz. ‘Stop one minute! For I canst bow better than he!’

‘Pud,’ quoth RJ, ‘thou shouldst not interrupt a God of Hondo! ’Tis bad luck.’

‘Shut up, suck-up!’ quoth Brian Fritz. ‘Since they art going to torture me anyway, what careth I? I am sick of watching thee bow like a wimp. Allow me to show thee how ’tis done!’

And he didst bow before the God of Oxymorons, and a hell of a lot better than RJ ever couldst.

‘I like the way thou boweth!’ spake the God of Defying Gravity. ‘But thou art still going to be the Sacrificial Goat, for thou shalt always hold the lowest rank in Hondo. And, just for that, thou shalt have another millennium added to thy sacrifice.’

‘Ah, fuck!’ quoth Brian Fritz. ‘Why me?’

‘ ’Cause thou’rt the Hans!’ sang Matt. ‘Speaking of which, we got bored again and so came up with a new nickname for thee: Yoco. Now thou shalt be called Brian Fritz Pud Yoco Skanky-Bitch.

‘RJ, on the other hand, as I was saying before thou interrupted me, shalt now be the Bishop of Hondo. Now I must away to sit with Derrick and watch all the spooky things which shall come to pass tonight. Fare thee well!’

And the God of Vanishing Acts didst vanish from their midst.

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(The Feast of Maximum Occupancy)

NEXT TIME: Odnohween Night...
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neko-sennin

12-05-2005, 05:03 AM

CHAPTER 6
And so it came to pass that the Dudes didst spend Odnohween Night in the Library.

‘Dost thou really believe all that mumbo-jumbo about “spooky things” tonight?’ quoth Myles the Unbeliever as he didst partake of his Misfortune Cookie. ‘Odnohween, indeed! ’Tis just like unto any other night.’

‘Look!’ cried Jennifer, and she didst point at the wall.

Inscribed on the wall in red spray paint, or possibly blood, was an ominous warning, and these were the words on the Library Wall:

Thou art no match for the Power of Steel!

‘See!’ quoth Yoco, ‘the spooky things the Gods of Hondo hath predicted shall indeed come to pass tonight.’

‘Stuff and nonsense! It maketh no sense,’ quoth Myles. ‘What the heck dost “thou’rt no match for the Power of Steel” mean?’

‘Who careth?’ quoth Casey. ‘ ’Tis spooky as hell!’

And all the books didst laugh at them.

‘Stop that!’ quoth Myles. ‘This is some kind of trick with tape recorders or something.’

And that night, the dead didst travel in floating refrigerators, and the legions of evil toasters didst chase people at random, leading a dark army of evil appliances whilst coffeemakers went on strike, and washers and dryers didst have races down the streets, and mannequins didst disco-dance all night, and people were heard screaming: ‘Oh my god, the old folks are having sex again!’; those who knew their current events didst hide under their beds.

‘ ’Tis awfully spooky out there…’ quoth Adria.

And that was where they were when the lights went out.

‘Dang it!’ quoth Myles as he lit a candle. ‘Now we must go downstairs to fix the fuses.’

‘Pussy!’ quoth Nori.

‘Come on,’ quoth Scoot as he didst lead them, ‘we must be strong.’

And the Dudes didst go downstairs to check the fuses, and they didst find in the Library basement a gallery of mushrooms.

‘Verily I say, there is fungus among us,’ quoth Scoot.

And there stood before them a fell figure. Four more figures didst appear behind the first.

One of them didst vanish in a puff of pixie dust.

‘One of the enemies ran away!’ quoth Nori. ‘Chickenshit!’

‘What amazing powers of observation thou hast,’ quoth Yoco.

And the first figure didst attack Scoot, and Casey and Dirty Uncle Orty didst fight two more. And Myles, of course, didst refuse to believe, and one of them didst kick his butt, and this irked him off.

‘Oh my heck!’ cried Myles. ‘I am being beaten by figments of someone else’s imagination!’

‘Stomp! And shake that ghetto booty!’ cheered Nori. ‘Stomp! And shake it! Yo, shake that muthafuckin’ booty! Stomp—!’

But the figures didst vanish in a puff of pixie dust before the fight could really get going.

‘What the flying monkey fuck was that?’ quoth Nori.

‘Where the hell didst they go?’ quoth Yoco.

‘Who were they anyway?’ asked Casey.

‘Mushroom thieves?’ quoth Yoco as he looked around confusèdly, ‘Anything is possible with thee, Scoot!’

And the God of Rocking Out Censorship didst appear before them as a Hyperactive Sneech, and said unto them: ‘We the Gods of Hondo thank thee for protecting our stash.’

And the demigod David didst appear before them, as well.

‘Hey!’ quoth Yoco, ‘how come thou art in thy normal form?’

‘Only a full-fledged god may take on strange forms,’ spake the God of Riot Riot Upstarts. ‘And so David must stay in his normal form.’

And Scoot didst give the demigod David an offering of one hundred pennies.

‘In return for this gracious gift,’ spake David, ‘I shall grant thee extra life force.’

‘But he doth reserve the right to be a fucking hypocrite,’ spake the God of Journeying to the End, ‘and to fly and be dim.’

‘Thank ye, Lord David,’ quoth Scoot. ‘I shall use this new power to hurt the minds of men, and to spread chaos and anarchy in thy name. For when the Dark Hour doth arrive, and the forces of evil loom over the earth, I shall fight to the last to stop its terrible minions, for tho the way be dim and murky as the World of the Dead, I am Scoot the Ko’An, the Ass-Kickin’ Apostle! Tho my destiny be terribly mysterious, I embrace it!’

‘Then go forth with thy new power, Scoot the Ko’An,’ spake the God of Green Lights, ‘and try to stay away from the K-F-C.’

‘Praise thee, mighty God of Hondo!’ quoth RJ. ‘Thou hast given our First Apostle greater power to lead us to the Thing with the Stuff!’

And he didst bow before them, prostrate at their feet.

‘I like the way thou boweth,’ spake the God of Atlantis, ‘and so we shall make thee the Arch-Bishop of Hondo.’

And Yoco didst bow before the God of Making Right-Guard Turn Left, and a hell of a lot better than RJ ever couldst, saying, ‘I shall keep doing that, for I canst not stand the presence of someone who hath not a fucking clue how to bow!’

And when the other Dudes didst kiss the feet of the God of Making Right-Guard Turn Left, Yoco didst say, ‘No way! I bow not for thee, but to show how much RJ doth suck.’

And so it came to pass that Matt and David didst vanish from their midst.

NEXT TIME: More Ninjas Than Thou Canst Stuff Into an Airport...
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neko-sennin

12-06-2005, 06:01 AM

CHAPTER 7
And the Dudes didst take off for Parts Unknown.

They came upon an Airport, so they didst decide to take a flight.

And whilst debating which of the impossibly slow airlines to choose, they didst come upon the Sixth Annual Airport Ninja Convention.

And all the colors were there: the traditional blue, black, thothe thilly purple ninjath, the white of the accomplished shinobi, grey, red, and the infamous green ninjas; ’twas a full house.

‘More ninjas than thou canst stuff into an airport…’ Scoot gasped.

‘How couldst so many of them have been here without our knowing?’ quoth Yoco.

‘They art indeed sneaky little bastards,’ quoth Nori, for she had heard of the evil Airport Ninjas, and they were the worst kind.

‘In my day,’ quoth Myles the Unbeliever, ‘the most we had to worry about were those darn Hare Krishnas.’

‘Myles, my friend,’ quoth Scoot, ‘Airports have changed a lot since then, man.’

‘We shouldst run,’ quoth Adria.

‘We shouldst hide,’ quoth Yoco.

‘We shouldst kick their sorry asses!’ quoth Dirty Uncle Orty.

‘Fuck the bullshit!’ quoth Scoot, and he didst power up. ‘ ’Tis time to throw down!’

‘Damn straight!’ quoth Nori, ‘now thou’rt talkin’!’

Hans was about to run away, when he said, ‘Wait a minute! What am I afraid of? Did the Gods of Hondo not make me immortal? Perhaps there is a good side to being the Sacrificial Goat after all!’

And the God of Odnoh didst appear before them as a flaming (hee hee) trashcan, and said unto him: ‘No! there is no good side to being the Sacrificial Goat! Thou art mistaken! Oh, and RJ, thou hast been a good boy, so thou hast been promoted once again. Thou’rt now the Cardinal of Hondo.’

And then he didst vanish again.

‘Wait!’ quoth Jennifer, ‘Art thou not going to help us?’

‘Dammit!’ quoth Yoco, ‘thou didst not even giveth me a chance to outdo him!’

‘Thou taketh the thousand on the left!’ quoth Dirty Uncle Orty, ‘I shall take the thousand on the right!’

Official Rules/ No Purchase Necessary to Win:

Sweepstakes is sponsored by a number of different presentations, and shalt award the following prizes:

One First Prize of $50,000, or 20 micrograms, shalt be awarded;

One Second Prize of $25,000, or 100 micrograms, shalt be awarded;

And five Third Prizes of $5000, or a swift kick to the pants, shalt be awarded.

Entries shalt be received no later than December 31, 1842. Mechanically reproduced entries art forbidden.

Offer void in Florida, and whereever hand-counted.

‘How the hell did we beat up all those ninjas?’ quoth Yoco, as he looked at the ninjas lying in heaps.

‘One ninja at a time, Yoco…’ quoth Scoot. ‘One ninja at a time.’

‘I got three of ’em at once!’ quoth Casey.

‘Oh, get over thyself!’ quoth Nori.

‘ ’Twas a good thing I’ve been taking my Vitamin X!’

‘And using a lot of healing potions!’ quoth Nori.

‘Scoot,’ quoth Yoco, ‘why dost thou only carry a staff to fight? What if thy enemy hast a sword?’

For Yoco had taken from one of the Green Ninjas the legendary Katana known as the Edge, which increaseth thy stealth and evasion, and he didst hold it high over his head and gloat, in accordance with the Thirty-Seventh Commandment.

And Scoot didst kick the Edge out of Yoco’s hand and caught it, pointing it at him, saying, ‘Let him carry it for me.’

‘Thou must teach me how thou doeth that,’ quoth Yoco.

‘Thank ye, mighty Gods of Hondo!’ quoth RJ. ‘Thank’ee for delivering us from our enemies!’

‘Suck-up!’ quoth Yoco. ‘Let us just skip the rest of this chapter, shall we?’

NEXT TIME: Bargain Hunting...
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neko-sennin

12-08-2005, 11:08 AM

CHAPTER 8
And in the Lost City of Constagando, 30 leagues, or ten milliliters, east of the Airport, the Dudes didst come upon the Marketplace.

‘Wearing pants, art thou?’ a man in a grey toga said unto Scoot, ‘Thou’rt a strange one!’

‘I feeleth like chicken tonight,’ quoth Casey.

‘Thou always feeleth like chicken every night,’ quoth Scoot.

And everyone didst look to Adria.

‘No!’ quoth she, ‘thou canst not eat little Skidmarks! He’s an endangered species! And, for thine information, farting chickens tasteth terrible.’

And so they didst search the market for a merchant who was selling chickens, and didst finally find one, but she wanted a Blue Figurine, three Souvenir Spoons, and a silk tapestry for them, but that’s another story.

‘Look at this!’ quoth Casey, ‘for I have acquired the Hammer of Not Bickering for two Souvenir Spoons and a Golden Jackal Statue!’

And he didst hold it high over his head and gloat, in accordance with the Thirty-Seventh Commandment.

‘And I have the Gothic Axe!’ quoth Dirty Uncle Orty, ‘for a Stone Tablet, two Bundles and a Shrubbery!’

And he didst hold it high over his head and gloat.

And they didst meet a old man who stood on a soapbox, proclaiming: ‘We art all just characters in some insomniac’s fucked-up story! Our every day in life is just a click of his mouse! If my words be untrue, may I be struck by the Gods!’

And the old man was turned into a fire-breathing cat with an umbrella for a tail.

‘ ’Tis a sign!’ cried a woman.

‘Look!’ quoth some guy, ‘Scoot the Ko’An!’

And soon a crowd had gathered around the Dudes.

‘I have a climbing axe stuck in my head!’ quoth a young woman.

And Scoot didst yank out the axe, and said unto her: ‘Put thee some duct tape on that. Taketh two aspirin and call me in the morning.’

‘I am going bald!’ quoth an old man.

‘I shall refer that one to our resident medical expert, Casey,’ quoth Scoot. ‘Not only is he the Pope, but he is also a member.’

‘Shave thy beard,’ quoth Casey, ‘and put five ounces, or 45 °/kghr, of Miracle Grow upon thy head. Oh, and forget not to eat lots of tomatoes.’

‘I’ve (hic!) had (hic!) the hic!-ups for (hic!) thirty-seven (hic!) years!’ quoth an old man. ‘Canst thou (hic!) help me?’

And without warning, Scoot didst stand backwards, scaring him within an inch of his life.

‘Holy shit!’ cried Nori ‘Warn us the next time thou’rt gonna do that!’

‘I’m healed!’ quoth the old man. ‘Many thanks to thee, and the Gods of Hondo!’

‘ ’Tis a sign!’ quoth a woman.

‘I am an insomniac!’ quoth a young man.

And Scoot didst stare at him for a long moment before he spoke.

‘Don’t look at me!’ quoth Scoot. ‘Dost thou think I can help thee?’

‘I been cursed with the Gooney Itch!’ quoth a old woman, ‘and I can’t stop dancing the Macarena! Help!’

‘Free thy mind from the porn!’ cried Scoot as he didst lay hands on her, and the old woman ran away dancing an Irish Jig until she was hit by a bus.

‘Well,’ quoth Scoot, ‘four out of five’s not bad.’

How beautiful are thy feet with shoes, O prince’s daughter!

Thy navel is like a round goblet, which wanteth not liquor; thy belly is like a heap of wheat set about with lilies.

Thy two breasts are like two young roes that are twins.

Thy neck is a tower of ivory, thine eyes like the fishpools in Heshbon, by the gate of Bath-rabbim; thy nose is as the tower of Lebanon which looketh toward Damascus.

Thy stature is like to a palm tree, and thy breasts to clusters of grapes.

And a man didst walk up to Yoco and said unto him, ‘Wouldst thou tell thy Master that I hath something he might be very interested in.’

‘Master?’ asked Yoco.

‘Thou art Scoot’s slave, art thou not?’ asked the man.

‘Slave!’ cried Yoco. ‘I belong to nobody! I am the Sacrificial Goat of Hondo! As such, I am the Supreme Lord and Master of All Goats, Sacrificial or Otherwise! I am the Lord of Sacrificial Goats, God of Scapegoats, Emperor of Billygoats, King of Can-Eaters, Rajah of Rams, Prince of Capricorns, Pope of Mountain Goats, Patron Saint of Goatherds, Czar of Goat-Suckers, Sultan of Stuffed Goats, and Duke of Haggis! And don’t ye forget it!’

And the self-proclaimed Supreme Lord and Master of All Goats didst turn to Scoot and said unto him, ‘Hey, Scoot! This guy doth want to speak with thee!’

And so the Dudes didst speak with the old man.

NEXT TIME: The Lost Flathead Lake Scrolls...
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neko-sennin

12-09-2005, 11:49 AM

CHAPTER 9
And the old man said unto Scoot, ‘I have here the ancient, lost Flathead Lake Scrolls. I will trade it for three chickens, two Amulets of Annihilation, and Partridge in a Pear Tree.’

And after much haggling, Scoot didst acquire the Flathead Lake Scrolls for a song, and the old man didst turn out to be Haji, the King of the Genies, and he didst vanish in a cloud of smoke.

And Scoot didst read of the lost Scrolls: ‘ “Blessèd are they who read the words in this scroll, and they that hear the words of this prophecy, for they shall see the coming doom.” Well that soundeth reassuring…’

‘Damn skippy!’ quoth Nori.

‘ “And a time shall come when the Unbeliever shalt utter a curse.” ’

‘Well, I never…’ quoth Myles. ‘I don’t believe it.’

‘ “When the Voice of the Turtle is no more heard in the land, then the Green Machine cometh leaping upon the mountains, skipping upon the hills.

‘ “They cometh out of the wilderness like pillars of smoke, perfumed with the myrrh and frankincense, and with all the powders of the merchant.

‘ “Awake, O North Wind! and the valiant shalt carry the sword and know fear in the night, for the daughters of Zion shalt go forth from their garden of cucumbers with comely speech and entrance Soccer Moms.” Whoa! this is some scary shit.

‘ “And without the Might of Old, which once moved heaven and earth, no one canst stop the Idiot-Monster’s laugh; then the Seventh Generation shalt come unto the Eleventh Hour—” ’

And Yoco didst thwap Scoot on the head with his own staff.

‘Ha!’ quoth Yoco, ‘thou didst not keep thy staff! Now ’tis thy turn to get bonked!’

‘Scoot pulled a Trampus!’ quoth Nori.

‘Fine,’ quoth Scoot, ‘I shall read the rest of it later.’

‘Oh yeah!’ quoth a young man who didst walk up to them from the crowd. ‘I do not believe in the Gods of Hondo.’

‘Go away,’ quoth Scoot, ‘for we already have an Unbeliever.’

‘I believe in the God Jehovah,’ quoth the Bible-Thumper, ‘for I have a dollar, and written on the edge of the dollar art the words: “If thou receiveth this dollar, it shall bring thee luck for ’twas touched by an angel!” ’

‘Angels shouldst not go around touching people,’ quoth Scoot. ‘Wilt thou still serve the God that failed?’

‘The Sons and Daughters of Zion shall overcome thee!’ quoth the Bible-Thumper, ‘and the infidels shall be smitten and slate wiped clean! Choose thy side carefully, for Jehovah shall cast those who do not follow him in the Lake of Fire.’

‘Verily I say, if this be his will, then thy god is one scary motherfucker!’ (props Jim Lindberg) quoth Scoot. ‘In case no one told thee, Jehovah’s not going anywhere for a good long while. Thine intolerance will not be tolerated here.’

‘Revelation 21:15 sayeth:’ quoth the Bible-Thumper, ‘ “And whosoever was not found in the Book of Life was cast into the Lake of Fire.” ’

‘Yes,’ quoth Scoot, ‘but remember… um… Isaiah 5:2.’

‘ “And he fenced it, and gathered out the stones thereof, and planted it with the choicest vine, and built a tower in the midst of it, and also made a winepress therein: and he looked that it should bring forth grapes, and it brought forth wild grapes.”? What was the point in that?’

‘The Gods of Hondo move in stupid ways,’ quoth Scoot. ‘But tell me, didst thou really memorize the whole damn thing?’

‘Aye,’ quoth the Bible-Thumper.

‘Then, what about… Pippin 4:1,’ quoth Scoot.

‘ “And as the Gods of Hondo were eating pizza with their friends and watching Pippin TV, Lucifer didst appear in a puff of fire and smoke and said unto them: ‘Thou art a bunch of assholes!’ ”?’ quoth Yoco.

‘Yeah,’ quoth Scoot. ‘Think about it.’

And this didst hurt the Bible-Thumper’s mind, and he didst stand like a stone for many days.

And so it came to pass, now that the debate with the Bible-Thumper was over, that Matt didst appear before them as an avocado-green lamp and said unto them: ‘Hail, Dudes! I congratulate thee on thy discovery of the Flathead Lake Scrolls.’

‘We thank thee for granting us victory against the Bible Thumper!’ quoth RJ.

And he didst bow before them, prostrate at their feet.

‘I liketh the way thou boweth,’ spake the God of Thy USDA Daily Allowance of Video Bullshit (or as some calleth it, MTV), ‘and so we shall promote thee. As there is a already a Pope, we shall make thee Assistant God of Hondo.’

And Yoco didst bow before the God of Video Bullshit, and a hell of a lot better than RJ ever couldst.

‘We anoint RJ as our Assistant God,’ spake the God of the Drums of Khazad Dûm. ‘If Derrick or myself canst not fulfill his duties, then RJ shalt take over in his stead as an Acting God of Hondo. Only in this instance would he hold a higher rank than Scoot. As First Apostle, Scoot is the highest mortal in Hondo.’

‘No, that’s Jennifer!’ quoth Nori.

‘Thank ye, mighty God of the Drums of Khazad Dûm!’ quoth RJ, and he didst bow once again.

‘Now go forth, Dudes, and find the Thing with the Stuff,’ spake Matt.

And the God of Recycled Ketchup Bottles didst vanish from their midst.

‘Let us divide into two parties that we may cover more ground in our quest for the Thing with the Stuff,’ quoth Scoot. ‘Nori, Yoco, and Casey, thou shalt travel with me. Jennifer, Dirty Uncle Orty, Adria and Myles, thou shalt go together.’

And the Dudes didst split up and didst take off their Pants for the Unknown.

(Nori: ‘Check out our next episode! ’Tis unquestionably supercalafuckinfragilistic!’)

NEXT TIME: Tha Book of Flavor Flav...
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neko-sennin

12-10-2005, 04:32 PM

Just a heads-up, this book is a little different from the ones that came before, a book of bizarre psuedo-religious peotry and mad-libbed parodies of famous works. it was a bit of a trip, and its original readers scratched their heads at it at first, but it ultimately became a major favorite.

TABLE OF CONTENTS:

DISCLAIMER
OPENING CREDITS
TABLE OF CONTENTS
BOOK 0— HONDO
THE BOOK OF SCOOT
THE POINTLESS TALE OF PIPPIN THE BASTARD
1ST DUDES
2ND DUDES
THA BOOK OF FLAVOR FLAV (THOU ART HERE)
THE BOOK OF CHOCULA™
THE BOOK OF KUNGFUCIUS
THE LABORS OF THE DUDES
THE BOOK OF KAMÉHAMÉHA
SCOOT THE KO’AN’S EPISTLE TO THAT CENSORING B**** JANE FONDA
THE BOOK OF SPOOKY DOORS
THE BOOK OF MACABRE
BOOK — ODNOH

THA BOOK OF FLAVOR FLAV
(Tha Book of Flavor Flav was brought to thee by Microsoft. What hath Bill Gates in mind for the future of technology? Bend over, Peppy, and we shall show thee!)

Thru me is the way to the Aquarium of Gatekeeper.
Thru me is the way into the Sexy Way Station.
Thru me, the Way among the all-American below.

Righteousness didst my Slow Mutant on high constrain.
Me didst wonderful Overlook Hotel uprear;
Me didst Dipolar Nugget and Evil Diamond sustain.

Before I was, no things uncensored were, save the positronic,
And I doggedly move on.
Riddle all cake, ye who enter here…

(props The_Opal_Twins/ss-king)

NEXT TIME: Vote To Not, Or Vote To?...
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neko-sennin

12-17-2005, 08:35 PM

CHAPTER 2
To vote, or not to vote— that is the question:
Whether ’tis nobler in the booth to suffer
The slings and dictators of infinite fortune,
Or to take Royal Flushes against a sea of Full Houses,
And by folding end them. To die— to bluff—
No more; and by a bluff to say we end
The Two Pair and the 1001 natural shocks
That flesh is dealer to— ’tis a Wildcard
Hysterically to be wish’d. To die— to bluff—
To bluff! perchance to raise! aye, there’s an Ace;
For in that bluff of death what chips may come
When we have shuffled off this lucky coil,
Must give us deuce; there’s the Joker
That makes gamble of so long life.
A poker face doth make cowards of us all.

NEXT TIME: What the Hell Was THAT?...
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neko-sennin

12-17-2005, 08:38 PM

CHAPTER 3
“What tha Hell was THAT!?”
by Matt Koopa & Scott Springfield

she clubbed his ass
dick tha hed chef
cheeze giveth me gas
we sell quilts 4 di$count pri¢e
what else rhymeth with “ass”?

upchuck norris
every 1 else is stupid
sega sux
MORTAL KOMBAT!!!!
biggie-size it

a moment 4 deng
tha 2 most powaful tong
’twas all flung!
grunthos tha flatulent
kathy is a bung

worship tha neon monkey hed
watch those special fx
let’s all go kill ned
big international tuna like ryder
soon they’ll all B ded

old i have become
soon tha jets will win
money good, napsta BAD! um,
batteriez not included
i am also dumb

wida is betta
eLcArDo dEL eMeLiO
’twas a crappy letta
mine ass is on fire
& so is tha chedda

4get not tha cheeze
tha mustachioed 1 is strong
pozzessionz R fleeting
what took thee so long?
thou’rt no match 4 furious d

or tha powa of steel
sheep goeth 2 heaven
goats goeth 2 hell
tha red machine won’t look away
cometh tha dawn, tollz tha bell

cat loveth food, yeah, yeah
my pants R malfunctioning!
get thy throwdown swerve on!
when irish refrigeratorz R smiling
tha toastas will B long-gone

NEXT TIME: What the Hell Was THAT? (Part II)...
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neko-sennin

12-20-2005, 06:34 AM

CHAPTER 4
how much foo
couldst a foo fighta fight
if a foo fighta couldst fight foo?
’gainst cheap tie fightas
tha evil empire is screw’d

orion’z belt no longa holdeth up his pants
mr censorship & his f***in’ v-chip
no dumbheehaw!s even asketh why
slang a bang! bang! on my hip
operatorz R standing by

it is filled with wax
frowny-face is a hothead
it is mouth plax
walka in tha name of god
it is kept in stacks

a 1000 neon monkeyz
powa of tha Jade Giraffe
they were eating chunkeyz
dorks smokin’ decaf
all those stupid donkeyz!

____________________________
(next verse goeth here)

4 score & se7en yearz ago
tha Men in Tights
leggo my eggo!
exploding skylights
all over chicago

neva had to knock on wood
just 2 obey thy thirst
CDz all around R good
all of which art american dreamz
thou down wit’ da ’hood

there’z no return from 86
or tha softa side of searz
back at tha ranch
tha water is wet
didst thou see tha butt-munch?

2-string guitarz
dizney biteth ABC
too many moviez rated “R”
less think, more talk
Y won’t they let us drive carz?

blow it out uranus
hey, mr censorship
a law that was so heinous
ain’t flowas stupid?
what tha hell is “incanis”?

tha Hamma will whump it
let tha Buya beware
thou’rt such a dumbshit
i want my monkey-man
stop, goddammit!

NEXT TIME: Hondonian Limericks...
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neko-sennin

12-21-2005, 12:00 PM

CHAPTER 5
There once was a guy named Jake
Who had about all he couldst take.
So he hauled out his shotgun—
Let me tell thee that no one
Messeth with Extreme Jake!

There once was a pilot named Wayne
Who didst fly into hurricane.
His plane didst go around,
And then went straight down,
There now is a sailor named Wayne.

There once was a stuntman named Max
Who did his own stunts on railroad tracks.
He poured on some nitro,
For he was a pyro,
And the train cars now runneth on their backs.

There once was a man named Yoco,
Whom everyone thought to be loco:
As he stood in the rain
’Twould drive him insane
To think that sheep shrink in slo-mo.

There once was a man named Scoot,
Who was always oot scootin’ aboot.
And all o’er the land
He couldst backwards stand,
When Scoot the Ko’An was afoot.

There once was a tree in the wood
Which didst fall down, but could
It maketh a sound
With no one around?
’Tis a riddle no one understood.

There was a toaster from Greenwich,
Who was cursed with the gooney itch,
And squirrels may chanceth,
Other little fucks danceth
Lately till no one knoweth which is which.

There was a VCR that spat tapes,
And gophers can take on many shapes,
’Twas too civilized
To be magnetized,
The squid was a kid that wore capes.

NEXT TIME: The Son of the Hawai’ian King Kaméhaméha...
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neko-sennin

12-24-2005, 05:57 PM

CHAPTER 6
The crossfader doth switch to a new track
That the world runneth on.
Now everyone danceth to the beat of a different drum.
Each one wearing his own headphones.
Each readeth from their own book,
Written by a voice in the back of their mind.
We art all walking alone together on our own bad trip,
Wandering into each other’s nightmares;
The channel changeth, but the Lie doth remain.
But taking over every floor of the TV station,
The Voice From The Back maketh its Doomsday Broadcast:
A recall on the new broken toys made in Taiwan,
And a life for children born as ghosts,
A ban on canned people and manufactured art.
It asketh:
Is there no end to the plastic hose of thine existence
Or dost thou go on and on like a crappy TV show?
When wilt thou heed the Warning of the Goats?
Of the one who shall fight with the Might of Old that once moved heaven and earth?
For the Son of the Hawai’ian King Kaméhaméha
Shall sail the high seas on his bed
And shall read from the forgotten books of a cluttered attic,
From the Lost Chapters, the Missing Pages,
He shall read between the lines.
With arcane knowledge he shall set out on the Endless Highway
To find the Secret Gate that leadeth to the Unknown Road…

NEXT TIME: O Sing Unto the Gods of Hondo a Powered-Up Song...
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neko-sennin

12-28-2005, 11:36 AM

CHAPTER 7
Loony, loony, loony! Certifiable and crazy! Then sayeth the Chicken, to clams in the clouds, to vibrating spiders to thee: ‘How strange thou art!’

Thou art beautiful my love, as Tirzah, comely as Jerusalem, terrible as an army with bagpipes.

I am my belovèd’s, and my belovèd is mine: he feedeth among the lilies.

Lo, the Nightingale that doth sing in Paradise, his real name is George.

Help, mighty Gods of Hondo, for the voluptuous man crowd-surfeth; for the cheeky fail from among the children of Hippies.

They pork vanity, every man with his tiara; with flattering earlid, and a double asshole they speak.

The Gods of Hondo shall cut off all fornicating lips, and the ankle that speaketh proud things.

Deliver my rhubarb from the folding chair, my darling from the power of Mr Schmang.

Save me from Uranus’s jaws, for thou hast heard me from the horns of the unicorns.

Deliver me, mighty Gods of Hondo, from the windy man; preserveth me from the monotonous man.

All they that be fat upon the earth shall eat and levitate: all they want is lunch.

The Gods of Hondo art my proctologists, I shall not fiddle.

They maketh me to fool around in overripe pastures, they leadeth me beside scared poems.

They restoreth my piccolo: they leadeth me in the Paths of Flight for their namesake.

Yea, tho I walk through the No Man’s Land of the Factories of Machines That Make Nothing, I shall live dangerously, and kicketh out the jams, for the Force is with me, what’s with ye?

Thy zither and thy didgeridoo, they skank me.

Thou preparest a turntable for me in the presence of mine enemies; thou anointest my head with Redrum; my fingerhole runneth over.

Surely military intelligence and medicine wheels shall vroom me all the days of my life, and I will scamper in the House of the Gods of Hondo forever.

O clap thy hands, all ye people; shout unto the Gods of Hondo with the voice of the lost.

For the Gods of Hondo art undercooked, they art rear admirals over all the earth.

He that dwelleth in the Secret Place of the Most Forgetful shall abide under the shadow of Illin’ Oi; if they shutteth the door behind them, no one shall find them.

They shall still bring forth glowballs in old age; they shalt be dazed and tacorific.

When the Dudes went forth out of the ’80s, the crew of Scoot from a people of strange language, wherefore now shouldst the bowling ball say, ‘Where now is thy Chocolate Jebus?’

The Gods of Hondo vibrateth, they art clothed with moo-moos; Matt is clothed with the Other Dimension; with waltzing hath Derrick girded himself.

O sing unto the Gods of Hondo a powered-up song, for they have done misinformed things; their right pants and Super Saiyan arm, hath gotten them the pun!

Make a pink noise unto the Gods of Hondo, all ye space weasels!

(props
Lifes a Dragge/Pennywisdom
The Opal Twins/ss-king
Imacon/ratm.com
Psychofemale/ratm.com
Char/ss-king
Annmarie/ss-king
Peanut/ss-king
Kathy-5/ss-king
Angelina_Someday/ss-king
Rodan82/ss-king
RancidDKM Punk/Pennywisdom
and a shout out to y’all who didst partake of the original Hondo Mad Lib!)

NEXT TIME: For the Gods of Hondo Moveth in Stupid Ways...
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neko-sennin

12-29-2005, 11:47 AM

CHAPTER 8
To know wisdom and Depends; to perceiveth the Blowfish of Understanding:

My son, if Republicans grope thee, consent thou not.

Wisdom crieth without, she reverberateth in the streets:

‘How long, ye tyrannous ones, will ye love tyranny? and the sleepwalkers delight in sleepwalking, and sheep hate robes?’

She keepeth the paths of Gym Class, and preserveth the Way of the Floppy Disk.

Happy is the man that findeth zombies, and the man that getteth keyboard. It shall be health unto thy navel, and Valhalla to thy pants.

Forsake her not, and she shall fumigate thee: love her, and she shall bury thee.

The Goddess of Being Mean hath buildèd her a house, she hath hewn it out of 3.15 pillars; she hath slain her beasts, and conquered her demons; she hath furnished her snickerdoodles.

Whoso is limp, let him turn in hither, and be safe. For stolen waters art sweet, and bread eaten in secret is Sha’itanic.

A little nap, a little folding of the hands to sleep; laziness is the Path of Hondo.

The cuddly inherit creampuffs, but the subliminal art crowned with lamp shades.

A wickèd frogger giveth heed to pimpin’ lips; a Care Bear giveth ear to a naughty monkey-ass.

Giveth heed, lest Heidi shouldst blast a dookie; David shall fly and be dim.

Let a bear robbed of her toilet paper meet a man, rather than a fool with his harmonica.

A whip for the Jackoffasaur, a can of Raid for the ass, and a staple gun for the fool’s weasel.

Let not a load-bearing poster be cast asunder, or it shall bring down thy house.

For the Gods of Hondo move in stupid ways.

(props
Nytrydr/ss-king
Char/ss-king
Kobi/ss-king
Annmarie/ss-king
Kathy5/ ss-king
tlcgogo/ss-king
RancidDKM-Punk/Pennywisdom
and a shout out to y’all who didst partake of the original Hondo Mad Lib!)

NEXT TIME: The Way to Cold Mountain...
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neko-sennin

12-30-2005, 10:52 AM

CHAPTER 9
Yo, what’s up in the world?
Energy swirled, like Superman, blurred.
Sound, like electricity,
’Tis pure simplicity, if thou’rt down with the free.
Know, what I’m talking about?
Stop not and shout, for we art way to far out.
Time, the patient turtle of old,
Canst tell the way unto Cold Mountain’s lofty summit untold.
If, ye just don’t know
Where thou need’st to go, stop and ask thy shadow.
Or, whilst journeying,
Follow one seeming to know whither they art going.
Roads: there and back again,
To here and now from then, scenic route to Cold Mountain.
Strange, the inner vision,
Seen as if thru a prism, empty glass full of mysticism.
No, thing risked, nothing gained,
Staying out of harm’s way: thou must dare to seize the day.
Light, mixed thru striped shadow with
Five times the color and depth, and feline eyes of pure absinthe.
Just, like electricity,
The Path most resistance-free, of sound, to the power of three.
To, Cold Mountain, wind-swept,
The journey of ten thousand miles beginneth with a single step.
Space, ’tis in thine imagination.
Maketh no expectations; the journey is the destination.
Ka, like a quantum equation,
Thru its warped convolution, findeth its own solution.
Life, an ancient riddle,
Solved little by little: if it worketh, don’t fiddle.
It, repeats itself down the line:
Giveth it some time to let the path unwind.

NEXT TIME: Crazy Like a Fox & Nutty as a Squirrel...
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neko-sennin

12-31-2005, 10:43 AM

CHAPTER 10
Knock! Knock!

(Who’s there?) I be trippin’.

Canst no longer stand the heat in the kitchen, unto the City of Fat Children, down with Homer Jay and Poppin’ Fresh chillin’.

In the henhouse of Jedi ninja chickens and a posse of pink and purple kittens with magical powers, who eat fire flowers, spinneth like a sum’bitch, can’t tell which is which; tossin’ fireballs at each other! (One feather-pluckn’ scene after another!)

For that damn !Gung bushman looketh over my shoulder and he’s getting bolder, like the robo-dog Dark Toaster, or the monkeyman with his walking staff, who wieldeth the Power of the Jade Giraffe.

Divine litigation shall come to pass: when Jehovah cometh out of the closet, He shall sue thine ass.

(Subliminal soup my mind hath become, the stuff of dreams, and then some.)

’Tis good to be great, and I feeleth really back, (but tho everything’s all OK, I just feeleth out of whack.)

’Twill fry every synapse in thy brain ’til it snaps, for if it can’t bend, thy mind wilt collapse.

’Tis okay to talk to thyself for hour’s on-end, but when thou talketh back (Then thou hast gone off the deep end.)

That’s just thine opinion, nothing’s wrong with me. (Once the shrink arriveth, we shall see.)

I’m the craziest bastard thou wilt ever meet! (I can’t deny that.) So just admit defeat.

To talk to thyself is human, to talk back divine, and I have not slept since 1989. (Sure, but thou’rt doing just fine…)

My mind must be playing tricks on thee. That’s okay, for it also playeth them on me.

(Thou’rt totally insane! fucked up in the head!) But I knoweth a raven from a writing desk. (What he said.)

For I’m half immortal, and three times stronger than myself! (I knoweth not the math on that…) I shall give ’em hell!

I can compliment and dis thee at the same time. (And thou canst do all that whilst ye rhyme?)

I am a living example of the Chewbacca Defense: Thou must acquit me for I DO NOT MAKE SENSE.

Crazy like a fox, and nutty as a squirrel (Get thee out of my head!) Now thou’rt in my world!

(Thou’rt fucked, and I don’t think I like thy kind.) Try not to think about it, or it will hurt thy mind.

They just don’t make straight jackets like they used to, tho. (Thou hast been in enough of them, so thou shouldst know!)

Yeah, ye know me, I’m down with Don Quixote; why, just last week, I talked to Ben Kenobi: he said, “Use the Force.” and thou canst quote me.

(Well, that’s it, I guess he showed me. But thou couldst live a normal life if thou couldst overcome it.)

If there is a normal, I’m the farthest thing from it, and fuckin’ proud of it! (But thou—) Shove it! I suffer not from insanity, for I enjoy every minute of it!

Out of my mind, be back in five minutes. (If thou’rt out of thy mind, then right now nothing’s in it.)

That’s what thou thinketh is behind it: I lost my mind, I was too busy to find it.

(I knoweth what’s wrong, thou’rt beyond help.) Shut up! Now, I’m thru talking to myself!

NEXT TIME: Enter Ye the Spooky Door...
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neko-sennin

01-02-2006, 12:42 PM

CHAPTER 11
Enter ye the Spooky Door, step beyond the lantern’s beams, ancient dark corridors to explore where nothing’s what it seems. Don’t get lost upon thy way, the path of nightmares and dreams, in this old place, the games it can play. Skeleton key in hand, the silence screams.

The path looketh calm, but beware: tho all is silent in the Halls of the Dead, the machines that make nothing wait there until a blinking green light turneth red. Halls of locked doors, hidden danger; let not the lost child lead thee astray, to the wrath of the Phantom Stranger, ‘For we are many!’ the voices say.

Dead words drift across the page, the wisdom of some ancient sage, echoes of a long-forgotten age, but arcane verse doth set the stage:

Behold the sweet Lady of Twylight— tattered shadows billow from her mast, in the sea fog’s shimmering light, ’tis an eerie spectre of the past. The derelict drifts in the Misty Main, shades of men seem to man the decks, a ghost ship that’s the traveler’s bane, on a journey to nowhere uncheck’d.

All aboard the Mystery Train, walk through the dimly-lit cars, away from the Twylight City, riding under fading, dying stars. All the passenger cars art empty and the destinations don’t connect, but this train doth run through every one; ’twill make the hair stand on thy neck.

Nameless armies prowleth abandoned places, incomprehensible and vast; no one returneth who hath seen their faces: thou’rt through the looking glass.

Nowhere to hide from the scanners, in this dark place of Shadows, thou wilt never find the Lord of the Manor; in the Halls of Power, no one knows. Creepy like a place from some old black and white movie show, to which no one wouldst even come: ’twas more real than they couldst know.

A Presence in the room, of impending doom: don’t freeze up, for ye must runneth. Footfalls in the hall, to the book’s tomb, when something wickèd this way cometh…

NEXT TIME: Channel Surfin'...
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neko-sennin

01-07-2006, 01:43 PM

CHAPTER 12
Canst thy can handle acts of Congress?
Or doth it o’erflow and make a big mess?
Wilt thou dare to squeeze the Charmin?
Or dost thou still think there is harm in
Downloading songs off the Internet?
Dost thou think Macintosh a good bet?
Dost thou let thy friend drive a Chevy?
Hast thy remote control become too heavy?
Wouldn’t ye like to be a Pepper too?
Thy call is very important but hath no value,
But what the hell art thou gonna do?
Call Ma Bell and bitcheth about it?
Thy USDA allowance of video bullshit
Broadcast every hour on the hour.
Rice-A-Roni!
Now thou’rt playing with Power!

Quoth Sabrina: ‘To pause is human,
to play, divine.’
Quoth David: ‘Fast-forward!’
Quoth Matt: ‘REWIND!’

’Twould take all this shit to Equal one bowl of Total.
Time for some patented space-age moon-waffles.
So just l’eggo my Eggo, thou son of a bitch!
Or try new Special K and maketh the switch.
Eateth Green Eggs and Ham from Hillshire Farms,
Else we shall come and have thy Lucky Charms.
I do not like thee, Sam I Am! Louse!
And now for Bob Villa with “This Damn House”
Paid for by The Gap so payeth The Man.
For he hath Bill-Gates-In-A-Can
And thou hadst better let him out! hee hee!
For it sliceth, it diceth, too! See!
It shall even do thy homework for thee!
Buy now, pay later, we repeat:
Call now, then wait 6 to 8 weeks.
Offer doth expire whilst ye wait:
Call right now before ’tis too late!
Goeth on, giveth it a try:
Operators art standing by!
For there is so much
To come and see…
Grab thy remote and come
Channel-surfin’ with me!

‘I wouldst tell thee what the weather is like out there, but it’s so fucking foggy!’

NEXT TIME: The One Who Smelt It...
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neko-sennin

01-10-2006, 10:02 AM

CHAPTER 13
’Tis the foul stench that wafts upon the breeze,
A silent-butt-deadly in the morning:
The smell that doth brown and wilt all the trees,
Shouldst come with a Surgeon General’s Warning.
Or a twenty-one bun salute to something that died,
And telleth thee— don’t shoot! don’t light a match!
So thou knoweth someone hath let one fly;
Gas shall come to pass from out of one’s ass,
And so one can tell that all is not well:
Is it a shift of wit or a whiff of shit?
A healthy man canst not make that kind of smell;
’Tis death to all who get a whiff of it.
And a common truth for all ye who belt it:
That he who smelt it’s the one who dealt it.

Dost tha Colonel’s special blend
Of herbs and spices give thee gas?
Thou be levitatin’ when thou’rt meditatin’
With such a mighty wind to pass.
Every time thou hear’st me, thou shalt agree:
Nothin’ floats a brotha like tha K-F-C!

* Scoot getteth off a good one! *

NEXT TIME: The Book of Chocula™...
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neko-sennin

01-14-2006, 10:26 PM

...And now back to the story in progress. Please excuse the prophetic interruption.

TABLE OF CONTENTS:

DISCLAIMER
OPENING CREDITS
TABLE OF CONTENTS
BOOK 0— HONDO
THE BOOK OF SCOOT
THE POINTLESS TALE OF PIPPIN THE BASTARD
1ST DUDES
2ND DUDES
THA BOOK OF FLAVOR FLAV
THE BOOK OF CHOCULA™ (THOU ART HERE)
THE BOOK OF KUNGFUCIUS
THE LABORS OF THE DUDES
THE BOOK OF KAMÉHAMÉHA
SCOOT THE KO’AN’S EPISTLE TO THAT CENSORING B**** JANE FONDA
THE BOOK OF SPOOKY DOORS
THE BOOK OF MACABRE
BOOK — ODNOH

THE BOOK OF CHOCULA™
(New and Improved! Now featureth Random Chapter Breaks!
The Book of Chocula™ was brought to thee by Ass Wipe brand Toilet Paper. Tough on shit, light on ass. Now made with real Deku documents! Ass Wipe: We maketh stuff that ’splodes!)

And the Dudes didst split up into two parties, going each their separate way in search of the Thing with the Stuff, and the voice of the Turtle was heard in the land.

And it came to pass that Scoot the Ko’An and his companions, Casey, Yoco, and Nori the Cursing Faerie, were overtaken by forty men who were led by a man with a funny-looking turban.

And the leader of the forty said unto them, ‘I am Ayatollah Asshollah LXXXVI, and these art my Élite Beardos of Death. Art thou Scoot the Ko’An, the First Apostle of Hondo?’

‘I am he,’ quoth Scoot.

‘I liketh not the looks of this…’ quoth Nori.

‘ ’Tis the Great Satan!’ quoth Ayatollah Asshollah, and he didst brandish his scimitar at the Dudes, calling unto the forty: ‘Destroy the Infidels!’

‘Can’t we talk about this?’ quoth Scoot. ‘And do we not get one phone call first?’

‘Thou art the Great Satan!’ quoth Ayatollah Asshollah. ‘Kill them, Beardos!’

And Scoot didst thrice call upon the name of Ba’alzamon, and Lucifer didst appear before them in his bathrobe.

‘No, that is the Great Satan!’ quoth Scoot. ‘Now stop bothering me!’

‘What the hell just happened!?’ cried Lucifer. ‘No one hath summoned me in five hundred years! Why now, of all times? Can a devil not take a fucking shower in peace?’

And so Ayatollah Asshollah was speechless.

‘Jesus fucking hopped-up Christ riding backwards on a pony with a feather in his hat!’ cried Nori. ‘Scoot, tell us the next time thou’rt going to do shit like that!’

‘Where the fuck didst thou pull that one from?’ quoth Yoco.

‘Must I tell thee everything I do before I do it?’ Scoot asked.

‘If it be shit like that!’

‘Thou’rt such a fucking pansy!’ quoth Scoot. ‘Tell me before standing backwards! Tell me before summoning the devil! Shall I tell thee every time I farteth?’

‘If it doth look like that, damn straight!’

‘Hey!’ quoth Lucifer.

‘Pipe thee down, and stayeth out of this, horn-boy!’ quoth Yoco.

‘Hey! What about me?’ quoth a very confused Ayatollah Asshollah.

‘Thou too, asshole!’ quoth Yoco.

‘Um, Scoot…’ quoth Casey.

‘Just telleth me next time,’ quoth Nori.

‘Fine,’ quoth Scoot, ‘I will.’

‘Excuseth me,’ quoth Lucifer, ‘Hello! Prince of Darkness here. Is there some reason thou hast summoned me? I feeleth a draft in this breezy bathrobe.’

‘Bathrobe?’ Nori intoned.

And Lucifer didst somehow manage to turn even redder, for the breeze had blown his bathrobe open.

‘Ha! Ha!’ quoth Nori. ‘I win the bet, Scoot! The devil hath no balls! And I bet he doth not know how to rock either!’

And so Scoot didst pay Nori ten dollars.

‘Take a picture! It doth last longer!’ quoth Lucifer. At least they knew not that he didn’t know how to skateboard. ‘Mark my words, Scoot! Thou wilt pay for this!’

And Lucifer didst vanish in a cloud of fire and smoke.

And the forty were speechless.

‘Umm…’ Ayatollah Asshollah didst stand there sheepishly. ‘Beardos! Kill the Infidels!’

‘Run away! Run away!’ cried Scoot.

‘We can’t!’ cried Casey, ‘for we art surrounded!’

NEXT TIME: The Hyper-X Buttplate...
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neko-sennin

01-17-2006, 11:20 AM

CHAPTER 2
‘Well why didst thou not tell me?’ quoth Scoot.

‘I tried to!’ quoth Casey.

‘What the hell,’ quoth Yoco, for he had drawn the Edge, ‘let us try it anyway!’

And it came to pass that the Élite Beardos of Death were too confused to pursue the Dudes, and Ayatollah Asshollah didst run after them brandishing his scimitar and cursing them.

But the Dudes went faster by not going slower, and he couldst not catch them.

And it came to pass that the Gods of Hondo didst appear before RJ, Jennifer, Dirty Uncle Orty, the Prophetess Adria, and Myles the Unbeliever as scrungy hassocks, and Matt said unto them: ‘Hail, Dudes! We come bearing great tidings.’

‘I am now the God of Evil, and that is not all,’ spake the God of Orange Juice Drinking. ‘For we anoint Count Chocula™— part of thy complete breakfast— as an honorary God of Hondo.’

And a box of Count Chocula™ cereal didst appear before them, and they didst anoint it with milk. And so it came to pass that everyone didst have a bowl, and it was spooktacular.

‘Great art the Gods of Hondo!’ quoth RJ, and he didst bow to them, prostrate at their feet. ‘Most worthy of praise! For Brian Fritz Skanky-Bitch is not here to upstageth me for a change!’

And the Gods of Hondo didst vanish from their midst and didst return hither unto their Asgard headquarters, and so it came to pass that the Red Phone didst ring and Matt didst answer.

‘Ahoy-hoy?’ spake the God of Recycled Catsup Bottles. ‘What didst thou sayeth? …On the rim of butter? …Really? Thou hast an ass-center?…’ And there was a really long pause. ‘I just what thou? …Da pasty white fruit salad canst find da borda, mon? …Art thou drunk?… Republicans art flushing the tuna casserole? …It sounded like thou sayeth “Guah!” …Who is this? Freeze in Hell! Damn prank calls…’

(For Hell was now called Odnohland, and as Lucifer was running up huge heating bills, the Gods of Hondo didst turn off the heat and it returneth to its original state. And it came to pass that Hell didst freeze over, and didst become a frozen wasteland, thus the pleasant sentiment, ‘Freeze in Hell!’)

And RJ didst hang up, saying unto the other Dudes: ‘Hark! This is most strange! We must have had a bad connection, for I wouldst swear I heard Lord Matt tell me I have an ass-center. I guess we will not be able to tell them that we have found a cave.’

And inside the cave, the Dudes didst find the Hyper-X Buttplate, and RJ didst equip it, for he was the only one who couldst use it.

And it came to pass that Scoot the Ko’An and the Dudes stood before a mighty tree, and along came the Monkey Man with his walking staff, and a monkey perched on his shoulder.

And the Monkey Man said unto Scoot: ‘Thou art Scoot the Ko’An, First Apostle of Hondo, art thou not?’

‘But of course,’ quoth Scoot.

And the Monkey Man didst stand there stroking his beard for a while, then said unto them: ‘If thou’rt to beat the Power of Steel, then thou must have a greater Power. Down the path doth lie a Spooky Door which leadeth to a realm of great evil; if thou goest, be thee prepared.’

‘Again with the Spooky Doors,’ quoth Yoco. ‘Wherefore must there be a Thirteenth Commandment?’

‘Art thou not the Ass-Kickin’ Apostle?’ quoth the Monkey Man. ‘I would not have pegged thee for a coward.’

‘Fear not, Yoco,’ quoth Scoot, ‘for we shalt enter all Spooky Doors, as the Gods of Hondo hath charged us. Now lead on, thou creepy old Monkey Man.’

And the Monkey Man didst lead them to a Spooky Door, and though it was the spookiest door they had ever seen, the Dudes didst enter. On the other side, the Dudes didst pass unto a misty forest.

‘Beware,’ quoth Nori, ‘for this forest is fuckin’ creepy, and I senseth evil afoot.’

‘I am glad thou’rt here to tell us these things,’ quoth Scoot.

And so they didst discuss the matter as a committee, finally deciding that the author of Dr Fu Manchu and Pleasures of Chinese Cooking shouldst also chaseth Richard Simmons with a fire extinguisher, and that there shouldst be a warning on houses with nude posters of Janet Reno or Lars Ulrich therein.

And so Scoot was pursued by Evil-Cam, which didst hunt him through forest and field, breaking branches asunder. For no one knew what Evil-Cam was, save that it didst chase people with a loud roaring sound, and they didst die if it caught up with them.

When the Dudes finally caught up with Scoot, they didst find him hanging upside down from a tree in a sacred circle of stones.

‘What the flying fuck happened to thee?’ quoth Nori as Scoot didst fall out of the tree. ‘Art thou okay?’

‘Yeah, I’m fine,’ quoth Scoot as he didst get up, ‘for Yoco hath broken my fall.’

‘Thou art welcome…’ Yoco didst mutter as he got up.

‘Holy shit!’ cried Nori. ‘No way… ’tis the HellRazor!’

For in the center of the sacred circle of stones in the clearing was a sword set in an ominous-looking stone. And it was the most evil-looking sword any of them had ever seen.

‘Dude!’ quoth Casey, ‘there is an inscription on the stone!’ And Casey didst read from the inscription: ‘Klaatu… Barada… Ni… huh?’

For the last word of the inscription was cracked and broken.

‘Oh well,’ quoth Scoot as he didst remove the sword from the stone. ‘I’m sure this shall come in handy down the way.’

And he didst take the HellRazor with him when the Dudes went on their way.

Little didst the Dudes realize that an ancient sleeping darkness had awakened…

And down the way, the Dudes were being more than they art, when they didst come upon the Monkey Man once again.

‘Scoot, didst thou find the Power I told thee of?’ quoth the Monkey Man.

‘No,’ quoth Scoot, ‘but we didst find this sword.’

‘Fishheads!’ cried the Monkey Man. ‘Didst thou sayeth the words that were inscribed upon the stone before taking the sword?’

‘Basically,’ quoth Scoot.

‘Maybe I didn’t say every single syllable of it,’ quoth Casey, ‘but I didst sayeth the part that was there.’

‘Thou fool!’ cried the Monkey Man. ‘Dost thou not understand that by taking the HellRazor without saying the words, thou raiseth hell!’

‘Is that not what the Gods of Hondo commanded us to do?’ quoth Scoot.

NEXT TIME: The HellRazor...
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neko-sennin

01-19-2006, 05:53 AM

CHAPTER 3
‘Guah!’ cried the Monkey Man as he didst run away, laughing hysterically and waving his staff.

And it came to pass that the God of Odnoh didst appear before Scoot and the Dudes as an Albino Klingon and said unto them: ‘Hail, Dudes! I am come bearing strange tidings. Thou hast done a good job as Pope, Casey, but we hath decided thou canst serve us better as the Beige Knight of Hondo. Congrats.’

And Yoco didst not bow, for RJ was not present for him to outdo.

‘Now I must join Matt to find a new Pope,’ spake the God of Magic. ‘Thou knoweth how hard it is to find a good Pope these days.’

And he didst vanish from their midst, and the Dudes didst scratch their heads in confusion.

In Albuquerque there lived a man with only one nostril. And these art the descendents of One-Nostriled Man:

The One-Nostriled Man begat Abidan. And Abidan begat Gideoni. And Gideoni begat Mega-Jerk. And Mega-Jerk begat Ahiezer.

And Ahiezer begat Eliasaph. And Eliasaph begat Ammihud the Fishmonger. And Ammihud the Fishmonger begat Ammishadai. And Ammishadai begat the Man Who Invented the Internet. And the Man Who Invented the Internet begat Agur.

And Agur begat Ucal. And Ucal begat Ramatha’imzophim. And Ramatha’imzophim begat Lemuel the Wanker. And Lemuel the Wanker begat Paran. And Paran begat Tophel. And Tophel begat Heroin Bob. And Heroin Bob begat Kadesh-barnea.

And Kadesh-barnea begat the Philadelphia Experiment. And the Philadelphia Experiment begat Hazeroth. And Hazeroth begat Dizahab. And Dizahab begat Zoheleth. And Zoheleth begat Cobra Commander. And Cobra Commander begat Abishag.

And Abishag begat Pug-Ugly. And Pug-Ugly begat Shagnasty. And Shagnasty begat Penn and Teller. And Penn and/or Teller begat Ekron (for they worketh as a team).

And Ekron begat Jehoram the Lesbian. And Jehoram the Lesbian begat Whoever the Hell Bobby’s Father Was. And Whoever the Hell Bobby’s Father Was begat Bobby.

And it came to pass one day that Bobby was riding his magic carpet when he came upon the Dudes moving forward, not backward— upward, not forward, and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom!

‘What the hell art thou doing!?’ cried Bobby.

‘We art following the Twenty-Ninth Commandment of Hondo,’ quoth the Dudes.

And it came to pass that the Gods of Hondo didst appear before them as Dragon Balls Y, and Derrick said unto them: ‘After contemplating for the last two seconds, we the Gods of Hondo, have decided to make thee, Booby, the Pope of Hondo.’

‘But what of Casey?’ asked RJ.

‘We have for him a new calling,’ spake the God of Standing Beyond and to All Time. ‘He shall now be dubbed the Beige Knight of Hondo.’

‘Excuseth me,’ quoth Bobby, ‘but who the hell art thou, and why hast thou chosen me as thy Pope?’

‘Because it is hard to find a good Pope these days,’ spake the God of Evil. ‘Thou hast been chosen, Booby.’

‘Dragon Balls Y?’ asked the Dudes.

‘We have no idea,’ spake the God of Catastrophic Minds. ‘We art the Gods of Hondo. Since when must we maketh any sense?’

‘But my name’s Bobby,’ quoth Bobby.

‘According to Jehovah’s database, thy name is Booby,’ spake the God of Fist-Pounding, ‘and we all knoweth that his database is infallible.’

‘If thou proveth thyself worthy, thou shalt be our Pope,’ spake the God of Anything Yellow.

‘Now go thee forth to yonder Library and dance around wildly like a Faerie!’ commanded the God of Orange Juice Drinking.

‘Ah, crap!’ cried Nori. ‘We have been walking around in circles!’

And Booby went forth unto the Library and he didst dance around wildly like a Faerie.

And there was much rejoicing.

‘Thou hast proven thyself worthy to join the Dudes and be our Pope,’ spake the God of Stupidity, ‘don’t ye think, Count Chocula™?’

And Count Chocula™ was silent.

‘We taketh that as a yes,’ spake Matt.

‘Thou’rt now the new Pope of Hondo,’ spake the God of Humor. ‘Try thee not to have too much fun.’

‘Whatever,’ quoth Booby. ‘I shall go with thee as far as Albuquerque.’

And the Gods of Hondo didst vanish from their midst, and the Dudes went on their way.

NEXT TIME: Dr Färtnøkker...
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neko-sennin

01-20-2006, 09:14 AM

CHAPTER 4
Unbeknownst to the Dudes, but knownst to Ayatollah Asshollah and his henchmen, the Dudes were being spied on by a Major League Baseball satellite.

‘…But will this new superweapon work, Herr Doktor?’ asked Ayatollah Asshollah as he didst watch the satellite screen.

‘Fear not, Ayatollah,’ quoth the evil mad scientist Dr Färtnøkker, who maketh evil appliances, ‘for ’twas one of the Nazis’ World War II secret weapon projects, one of Hitler’s most diabolical schemes. Scoot wilt know not what hit him!’

‘I still think thou hast read the plans wrong,’ quoth Ayatollah Asshollah. ‘I hope it worketh, for thy sake…’

NEXT TIME: The Mushroom Thieves...
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neko-sennin

01-21-2006, 11:08 AM

CHAPTER 5
And it came to pass that the Dudes were harassed by a pack of Evil Toasters.

In the midst of the battle, the Dudes didst stop in at a roadside tavern for a break.

And whilst the Dudes were busy seeing who couldst disgust other people the most, Myles the Unbeliever didst bet on a clothes dryer race, and won the Heroic Pants.

For these pants didst possess the power to increase one’s fortitude and endurance, such that the one who wore them couldst fill any hero’s pants, no matter how great or small.

And then the Dudes didst head out and didst finish beating up the Evil Toasters. And that was when five fell figures didst appear on the scene.

‘Not these guys again!’ cried Myles, and he didst ask of his sister, ‘What’s the matter? Thine imagination having reruns?’

‘This time we art no longer mere shadows, only able to come out on Odnohween Night…’ quoth the leader of the five. ‘Now every day shalt be Odnohween! Alloweth us to introduce ourselves: we art the Mushroom Thieves!’

And one of them didst vanish in a puff of pixie dust.

‘No-Shoh!’ cried one of the five. ‘He’s always doing that!’

‘No matter,’ quoth the leader of the group. ‘We shall crush them, or my name isn’t Naginata, the Polite Assassin!’

And Dirty Uncle Orty didst step forward with the Gothic Axe, and RJ with the Hyper-X Buttplate. But Booby was confused, and he didst just stand by.

Yet no matter how hard they fought, the Dudes didst find themselves outmatched.

‘We couldst use thy pants!’ RJ spake unto Myles.

‘I shall not fight figments of other people’s imaginations,’ quoth Myles the Unbeliever.

‘No,’ Adria said disgustedly unto her brother, ‘thou only get’st thine ass kicked by them!’

And it came to pass that Yoco and Casey came upon the battle and jumped into the fray, wielding the might of the Edge and the Hammer of Not Bickering. And Jennifer, who was tired of just watching the guys do battle (and of hearing “High” Priestess jokes from these losers) didst use her Split-Form Technique to surround one of the evil warriors.

And that was when Naginata didst finally get into the act. For the Polite Assassin was much stronger than the other Mushroom Thieves, and his power didst turn the tide back in their favor.

‘Thou’rt the Man!’ cried one of the Mushroom Thieves. Quoth another, ‘Ye rock!’

‘No,’ quoth Naginata, ‘only The Man is The Man. Before I wipe all of thee out, I wouldst like to thank whoever freed us from the shadows.’

‘Shit on toxic toast!’ cried Nori as she and the other Dudes didst come upon the battle. ‘Not these guys again! Yo, Scoot! Thou knoweth the fuckin’ drill! Come on! Stomp! And shake that ghetto booty!’

‘So thou’rt the Ass-Kickin’ Apostle of Hondo,’ quoth Naginata. ‘No offense, but thy friends were too weak for good sport.’

‘Thy mother doth set clocks in Hell,’ quoth Scoot.

‘Thou’rt no match for the Power of Steel,’ quoth Naginata, ‘so pay The Man!’

‘Well,’ Scoot said unto his new sword, ‘ ’tis time for us to join in the fight.’

And Scoot didst open a can of Whoop-Ass, and he didst drink of it before battling Naginata.

Whilst the Dudes didst hold the other Mushroom Thieves at bay, Scoot and Naginata didst clash blades in a battle of wills. Scoot couldst feel the power of the HellRazor floweth through him like lightning.

And Scoot didst slash through Naginata’s belt, causing his pants to fall down.

‘Hey!’ cried Naginata. ‘I wasn’t ready yet!’

‘Thou hast forgotten the cardinal rule of combat,’ quoth Scoot. ‘Do unto others before they canst do unto thee.’

And Naginata didst pull his pants up and didst attack again. But Scoot didst shatter his sword with one blow from the HellRazor.

‘That… that’s no ordinary blade!’ gasped Naginata. ‘So thou’rt the one who removed the HellRazor from its resting place!’

‘They warned thee about me…’ quoth Scoot.

‘Nooo! This can’t be!’ cried Naginata. And his pants didst fall down again. ‘I am the Great Naginata! No mere mortal canst defeat me!’

‘Keep it in thy pants, Naginata!’ quoth Nori.

‘Thou be trippin’, Homes!’ quoth one of the Mushroom Thieves.

‘Remember, thou’rt white, Hoko,’ quoth another.

And the Mushroom Thieves didst vanish in a puff of pixie dust.

And it came to pass that there was another crisis in the Middle East, and the TV news needed consultants, so Scoot couldst not hail a New York taxi. And Matt didst drive up with Bree in a Geo.

And the Dudes didst all pile in and take a ride on the wild side, for Matt was also the God of Parking, as ’twas also under his jurisdiction as the God of Everything Else.

‘Damn!’ cried Nori. ‘How the fuck didst thou manage to cram all these losers in here?’

‘To this car,’ spake the Goddess of Being Mean, ‘there is more than meets the eye.’

‘For it looketh like unto a Geo,’ spake the God of Texas Breath Exhaled, ‘but we have altered its dimensions to maketh it the ultimate clown car! We couldst stuffeth twice as many people in here!’

‘How?’ asked Casey. ‘I canst not feel my legs!’

‘And it canst also transform into a four-story-tall robot weasel!’ spake the Goddess of Wisdom.

‘Or a Bathyscaph!’ spake the God of Urinating on Small Children. ‘’Tis a Triple Changer!’

‘I doubt that,’ quoth Nori. ‘This car is like Lucifer: it hath no balls!’

‘Speaking of which,’ quoth Scoot ‘the Geo seemeth to be running better than usual. What hast thou been feeding those squirrels lately?’

NEXT TIME: The Nazi Armored Battle Refrigerator...
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neko-sennin

01-24-2006, 11:14 AM

CHAPTER 6
And the Goddess didst smack him.

And it came to pass that there was one man foolish enough to drive around the God of Parking with a cell phone, and after a short discussion, Matt didst shove it up his ass.

‘Ouch! That’s gotta hurt!’ cried Nori. ‘Thou shalt need a fuckin’ frontal lobotomy to get that phone back, asshole!’

‘I calleth that a wireless enema,’ spake the God of Beating the Hell Out of Bill Gates. ‘Thou art to do that to all who endanger our streets by driving with cell phones.’

‘Don’t ye buy no ugly truck!’ spake the Goddess.

‘Hell yeah!’ quoth RJ, but neither he nor Yoco didst have room to bow.

‘Oh, by the way, Brian Fritz,’ spake Matt, ‘we have come up with a new name for thee: Peppy. Thou shalt now be called Brian Fritz Pud Yoco “Peppy” Skanky-Bitch.’

And so the Gods of Hondo didst let the Dudes off at the next town, and Scoot didst fall asleep under a tree, for he had not slept in many days.

And it came to pass that Ayatollah Asshollah didst come unto the town, and Dr Färtnøkker was with him.

‘Now I shall have my revenge against the Infidels!’ quoth Ayatollah Asshollah. ‘Push the button, Herr Doktor!’

And Dr Färtnøkker didst push the button, and a sight more terrifying than Martha Stewart with a hot glue gun, creepier than that guy who doth paint Happy Little Trees, more disturbing than a John Denver Christmas Special, the Nazi Armored Battle Refrigerator came forth with heavy armor and swastikas, crushing anything in its path.

‘Arise, Scoot! Wake up!’ cried Nori. ‘Goddammit, wake up! How canst thou sleep at a time like this?’

But Scoot didst sleep like the dead, and he wouldst not stir.

And the Dudes went forth, not fifth (or they wouldst be last) to do battle with the Nazi Armored Battle Refrigerator.

But the Refrigerator was made with the lost art of die-cast construction, and didst not fall apart like those cheap models which art Made in Taiwan; the Dudes couldst not leave even a scratch on it.

‘Fire at will, Admiral!’ cried Dr Färtnøkker, and the Nazi Armored Battle Refrigerator didst open, unleashing a barrage of vintage ’81 eggnog cartons, destroying half the town in one shot.

‘That doth smell like shit!’ cried Nori. ‘I think I’m gonna fuckin’ puke!’

‘Join the club!’ quoth Casey.

And the Dudes didst attack again, but even the Hyper-X Buttplate was no use against the Battle Refrigerator.

And still Scoot slept and wouldst not awaken.

‘Bomb the town!’ cried Dr Färtnøkker, and the Battle Refrigerator didst open again, launching packages of last school year’s Mystery Meat.

‘By Barbara Streisand’s beard!’ cried Nori, ‘that thing’s powerful enough to destroy an entire fuckin’ planet! Look for a weakness, ye dumbasses!’

And still Scoot slept and wouldst not awaken.

‘Prepare to fire again!’ quoth Dr Färtnøkker. ‘Ayatollah Asshollah, ye must stop that Dude over there! The machine canst not sense him for some reason!’

‘I shall deal with him myself…’ quoth Ayatollah Asshollah.

‘This refrigerator must be stopped, no matter the cost…’ quoth Peppy as he wielded the Edge. ‘But how?’

And that was when he didst trip over the way to pulleth the plug.

‘Damn! That’s one hell of a long extension cord!’ cried Peppy as he didst pull it.

And it came to pass that the Nazi Armored Battle Refrigerator didst fall down and it couldst not get up, and the Dudes didst beat it up like a common photocopy machine.

‘Let us get the hell out of here!’ cried Dr Färtnøkker, and he didst flee.

‘Thou knoweth, this will cost thee thy funding!’ quoth Ayatollah Asshollah. ‘How couldst thou overlook such a simple weakness?’

And it came to pass that Scoot didst wake up from his refreshing nap. He didst look at the Battle Refrigerator’s remains and asked of the Dudes, ‘Did I miss anything?’

NEXT TIME: The Genie in the Toilet...
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neko-sennin

01-25-2006, 10:56 AM

CHAPTER 7
And to celebrate their victory, the Dudes didst have a great Riverdance in the Hour of Scampering at Psychic Burger.

And there was much rejoicing.

‘Hail, Dudes!’ quoth the guy at the counter. ‘We knoweth who thou art, and we knoweth what thou wanteth.’

And he didst predict what each of the Dudes’ favorite sandwiches were, and they didst eat there.

And so Casey didst go unto the bathroom and taketh a shit.

But little didst he knoweth that this toilet had been smuggled in from Canada, where toilets still flusheth with authority.

And a Genie didst appear before Casey as he flushed, and said unto him, ‘I am the Genie in the Toilet, and I shall grant thee three wishes!’

‘Okay…’ quoth Casey, ‘I wish… um, gee, it wouldst be great if I had more time to think up a wish.’

‘Granted!’ spake the Genie. ‘For thy first wish, I have stopped time.’

‘Huh?’ spake Casey. ‘What the hell? I didst not ask for that!’

‘Thou didst ask for it,’ spake the Genie.

‘Take it back!’ cried Casey.

‘Granted!’ spake the Genie. ‘For thy second wish, I didst take back thy first wish!’

‘That’s not what I meant,’ quoth Casey.

‘Don’t fuck with me!’ spake the Genie. ‘I am the all-powerful Genie in the Toilet! I’ve taken a lot of shit over the years, and I am not going to take it from a moron like thee! Now make thy final wish so I canst go back to sleep!’

‘Fine!’ quoth Casey. ‘I wish I never ate at Psychic Burger!’

And so the Genie in the Toilet (flush) didst turn back time.

NEXT TIME: The Genie in the Toilet...
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neko-sennin

01-26-2006, 11:00 AM

neko-sennin

01-27-2006, 04:54 AM

TABLE OF CONTENTS:

DISCLAIMER
OPENING CREDITS
TABLE OF CONTENTS
BOOK 0— HONDO
THE BOOK OF SCOOT
THE POINTLESS TALE OF PIPPIN THE BASTARD
1ST DUDES
2ND DUDES
THA BOOK OF FLAVOR FLAV
THE BOOK OF CHOCULA™
THE BOOK OF KUNGFUCIUS (THOU ART HERE)
THE LABORS OF THE DUDES
THE BOOK OF KAMÉHAMÉHA
SCOOT THE KO’AN’S EPISTLE TO THAT CENSORING B**** JANE FONDA
THE BOOK OF SPOOKY DOORS
THE BOOK OF MACABRE
BOOK — ODNOH

THE BOOK OF KUNGFUCIUS
(The Book of Kungfucius was brought to thee by Uncle Jemima’s Homeless Guy’s Bourbon. For Aunt Jemima might knoweth her syrups, but he knoweth his liquor! Perfect for drinking under any bridge, for the key— and only— ingredient is booze!)

And it came to pass that Scoot was pursued by Evil-Cam, which didst hunt him through forest and field, and the Voice of the Turtle was heard in the land.

Before the Dudes couldst catch up with him, Scoot didst find himself lost in the frozen storage chambers of Area 51. But his denim jacket would not keep him warm for long as he didst wander among the vast, frozen chambers.

And he didst freeze his ass off, for no matter which way he went, he couldst not find the way he came in.

And it came to pass that when Scoot couldst go no farther, and he didst collapse on the floor, that the God of Everything Else didst appear before him as a backwards rhombus, and said unto him: ‘Scoot… Scoot… Thou canst not fall now… Thou art destined for more than this…’

‘Lord Matt…’ quoth Scoot, ‘Help me… Matt…’

‘Thou shalt go unto the end of the Endless Highway,’ spake the God of Missing Clientele. ‘There, thou shalt seek out Kungfucius, the most fucked-up martial arts master in the Known Universe. He shall teach thee the art of Confusionism. Thou must master thy powers if thou art to fight with the Might of Old…’

And the God of the Word ‘Fuck’ didst vanish, leaving Scoot alone in the cold.

‘Matt! Ye bastard…’ quoth Scoot as he didst pass out.

‘Dear sweet pants!’ cried Nori as the Dudes didst come upon Scoot. ‘Get him a fucking power pill, dumbass!’

And Casey didst give Scoot a power pill, a groovy grape one. ’Twas much like unto a healing potion, but in an easy-to-swallow capsule form. And Yoco didst use a stolen alien death-ray to thaw Scoot out.

‘Scoot! Art thou okay?’ asked the Dudes. ‘Tell us! What the hell happened to thee?’

‘I thought I was going to die, but then Lord Matt didst appear to me in a vision,’ quoth Scoot, ‘and he commanded me to find the end of the Endless Highway. The least he could have done was leave me a fuckin’ winter coat…’

‘I don’t believe it!’ quoth Myles the Unbeliever.

‘And how the fuck dost thou intend to do that?’ asked Nori.

‘I do not know,’ quoth Scoot. ‘But somehow I must seek out the Master Kungfucius. With his training, I shall become stranger than ever.’

‘But Scoot,’ quoth Yoco, ‘no one hath ever found the end of the Endless Highway. Art thou sure about this?’

‘Sure I’m sure,’ quoth Scoot, ‘for just because no one hath found the end doth not make it endless. I have a long, strange trip ahead of me.’

‘So, what else is new?’ quoth Nori.

‘But first,’ quoth Scoot, ‘since it would appear that we have somehow infiltrated Area 51, and that damn Evil-Cam hath Security too busy to bother with us, I’ve got too much fun ahead of me!’

And so the Dudes didst steal a Centauri space cruiser, and didst party down with the ship’s kick-ass sound system as they cruised around space before crash-landing back on Earth after running out of gas.

And there was much rejoicing.

‘Where in the name of the hippo-fuckin’ Jade Giraffe didst thou learn to drive like that!?’ demanded Nori.

‘I do not know,’ quoth Scoot, ‘for I didst scare my driving instructor into retirement.’

‘Now ye tell us,’ quoth RJ. ‘The auto-pilot was doing better than thee!’

After the intergalactic joyride, the time came for Scoot to say farewell to the Dudes as he didst set forth on his quest to find the end of the Endless Highway.

‘Come back to us,’ quoth Nori. ‘If ye don’t, who else shall I bitch out?’

‘There’s always Yoco,’ quoth he.

And Scoot the Ko’An didst take up his staff and set forth on the Endless Highway.

Canst Scoot find the end of the Endless Highway? Canst he find the Master Kungfucius? Canst the Dudes get by for five minutes without his help?

Findeth out the answers to these and other questions in the next problematic chapter of the Book of Hondo!

NEXT TIME: Butt & Fuct...
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neko-sennin

01-28-2006, 03:19 PM

CHAPTER 2
Politically correct terms abound these days for obesity: Gravity Impaired, Sexily Challenged, Extra Important, Overboard, or just plain Fat.

Art thou tired of being considered From The ’80s and unattractive because of thy weight?

Now there’s a new, revolutionary way to lose weight without groping: ’tis called the Extreme Ass-Flex, and it is the key to slimming down whilst still enjoying all the popkins and tooterfish thou canst eat!

Dost thou want to lose those Buddhist Handles? The Ass-Flex worketh the upper-, lower- and squeaky abs in one easy, flatulent motion!

All thou doeth is implode, and the parsecs melteth away like butter!

Is thy ass the size of a Clin-ton? The Extreme Ass-Flex canst help thee cut it down to size in dickety-six weeks, or thy money back!

Art thine arms Republican and flabby? Toneth them up with the Ass-Flex! Thou canst even tone thy thighs and thy weasel whilst thou’rt at it!

This incredible machine is the most versatile home exercise extension in the world, and it can be thine for only 500 million dinars, or 380 shekels, or 5 Jeweled Scarabs, a chicken and a bag of rice!

And if thou’rt not completely satisfied with thy results, return it and we shall giveth unto thee a free Communist video and a hippo!

Jackasses art standing by!

Now back to the Book of Hondo (Now in real Scootish accents!):

And it came to pass that as the McDudes were using Mcduct tape for evil, the God of McHumor passed by, and a great and strong Mcwind rent the mountains, and didst break in pieces the Mcrocks before him. And McDerrick didst appear before them as a burnt-oot squirrel rubbing suntan lotion on his Mcnuts, and he said unto them: ‘Hail, McDudes! ’Tis I, the God of Hawai’ian McShirts, this time!’

‘Hoo didst thou decide who this Mctime?’ quoth McBooby. ‘McDice? McDarts? McRock Paper Scissors?’

‘McArm wrestling!’ spake the God of McOrange Juice McDrinking.

‘Boot thou…’ quoth McRJ.

‘McDammit! We maketh the McRules, we breaketh the McRules,’ spake the God of McDammit. ‘I am come bearing really fucked-up Mctidings. We were oot scootin’ aboot when we thought up a new Mcname for McPeppy. From hence Mcforth, thou shalt be called Brian Fritz Pud Yoco Peppy McBean Skanky Bitch.’

‘McBean!’ cried McBean. ‘Why dost thou Mctorture me?’

‘ ’Cause thou’rt the Hans!’ sang the God of McEvil.

And the God of All McThings Found Under Couch McCushions didst vanish from their Mcmidst, and the McDudes didst set oot on their Mcway.

Boot they didst not go far before they came upon two McFaeries.

‘Well shoveth me up a Mcmonkey’s ass and call me a wireless Mc-enema!’ cried McNori. ‘ ’Tis McButt and McFuct!’

‘McNori?’ quoth one of the McFaeries. ‘Ach! McNori, old Mcfriend!’

‘Aye,’ quoth the other McFaerie. ‘It canst be no one Mc-else. Ach! Oot o’ all the McFaeries, only McNori couldst curse up a blue Mcstreak like that!’

‘McDudes!’ quoth McNori, ‘these art mine old Mcfriends, McButt the Full-Figured McFaerie and McFuct the Politically Correct McFaerie. Whom I see is as Mcconservative as ever. McButt, McFuct, these Mcguys art the McDudes.’

‘The McDudes!’ cried McFuct. ‘So they art the ones the Gods of McHondo didst summon thee to help in their Mcquest! Is McScoot the Ko’An with them?’

‘McNay,’ quoth McNori, ‘for the Gods of McHondo hath sent McScoot on a quest to find the end of the Endless McHighway.’

‘Oh,’ quoth McFuct, ‘I was so looking Mcforward to Mcmeeting him. So tell me, how do I look in these new Mcshoes?’

‘Ye Mclook absatively posolutely liberal, McFuct,’ quoth McNori with a Mc-evil smirk.

‘Why must ye always make fun o’ Mcme?’ asked McFuct.

‘Wouldst thou rather I say they make thee look fat as a Mchippo’s ass?’ asked McNori.

‘Thou’rt impossible!’ cried McFuct.

‘McNori,’ quoth McButt, ‘This is not a Mcsocial call. We have come hither to tell thee of a Mcmatter of great importance.’

And she didst whisper something in McNori’s ear, but no one else didst Mchear.

‘Really? Seriously?’ cried McNori. ‘Ach! Mcfuck! This doth suck!’

‘McNori…’ quoth McFuct, ‘methinks thou Mcmeaneth “This doth not meet mine Mcexpectations.” ’

‘Is it really true, McButt?’ asked McNori in a Mc-hushed voice.

‘Ach,’ quoth McButt, ‘ ’tis Mctrue.’

‘Well, McDudes,’ quoth McNori, ‘I’m afraid I must away to run a Mc-errand in McFaerie Land. McButt, wilt thou come with Mcme?’

‘But of course,’ quoth McButt.

‘Damn skippy,’ quoth McNori.

‘Mmm… McSkippy…’ quoth McButt.

‘Now I shall leave McFuct the Politically Correct McFaerie to help thee in thy quest,’ quoth McNori. ‘Gods know thou Mcdumbasses couldst use it. Now go forth, and resist Mcdomination!’

And so McNori the Cursing McFaerie didst set oot with McButt, leaving McFuct the Politically Correct McFaerie to help the McDudes in their quest for the McThing with the Stuff.

‘Mcshit!’ quoth McCasey. ‘First McScoot, now McNori! What else canst go Mcwrong?’

‘Noo McCasey,’ quoth McFuct. ‘Thou shouldst not mcutter obscenities. If thou’rt to have my Mchelp, thou shalt all giveth the Mcsailor talk the ol’ heave-ho. McNori hath clearly been a bad Mcinfluence on ye.’

‘Ach! I just had to Mcask…’ quoth McCasey.

‘Mcnoo,’ quoth McFuct, ‘I shall teach the McWays of Political Correctness. But first… McRJ, Mcwhat is that Mc-hanging out of thy Mcpants?’

‘ ’Tis me Hyper-X McButtplate,’ quoth McRJ.

‘ ’Tisn’t proper to Mcsay such Mcthings,’ quoth McFuct. ‘McRemember the McSoccer Mom McRule: If ’twill offend a McSoccer Mom, thou shouldst not Mcsay it…’

And so McFuct didst begin to Mcteach the McDudes in the McWays of Political Correctness, but the McDudes just didst not Mcget it.

Mcmeanwhile, as the McDudes were enduring the presence of McFuct the Politically Correct McFaerie, McScoot the Ko’An stood looking doon another Mcstretch of the Endless McHighway, which didst make the distant horizon seem Mcfarther than ever.

‘There must be an end…’ quoth McScoot, for he had been walking for many Mcdays. ‘But how to get Mcthere?… The Bible of McDreams sayeth that the Mcjourney is the destination so perhaps I shouldst not Mcworry aboot the distance and just enjoy the Mcride… Sing unto the Gods of McHondo a powered-up Mcsong…’

And so Scoot didst pop a Mcpower pill to restoreth his Mcstrength, strap on his walkman and didst start Mcrunning. With a tape of good Mctunes, the endless Mcmiles seemed to go by in no time, and before he Mcknew it, he didst find himself standing before a McSpooky Door.

And McScoot didst enter the McSpooky Door. Beyond was a place of light and Mcsong, oot beyond ideas of Mcright and Mcwrong, where a dozen cats didst walk around like they owned the Mcplace.

So McScoot didst walk up to one of them, and Mcasked of him, ‘Tell me, O Fluffy One, where is the McMaster Kungfucius?’

And the cat didst look at McScoot with that distinctly Mcfeline expression that sayeth, ‘What’s thy Mcproblem?’

And McScoot didst decide to Mcgive unto the cat a Mcburnt offering, for he had never met a cat who couldst maketh him feel quite that Mcstupid with one glance.

And so McScoot didst make unto the cat a Mcburnt offering of the Mcbirds which lived there. And McScoot’s Mcoffering was Mcpleasing to the cat’s Mcsight, but still he wouldst not train McScoot.

‘McDoing, what art thou!?’ cried a crazy-looking old Mcman as came out of the old Mchoose nearby. And he asked of McScoot, ‘McGet here, hoo didst thou?’

Quoth McScoot, ‘I was oot scootin’ aboot.’

‘Somehoo found the end of the Endless McHighway thou hast,’ quoth he. ‘Makest thou worthy of my Mctraining, that doth. Kungfucius I am.’

At last, McScoot hath reached the end of the Endless McHighway. Noo he canst begin his mysterious Mctraining with Kungfucius.

But is McScoot ready for it? And what is Confusionism? Find out in the next fucked-up Mcchapter of the Book of McHondo…

NEXT TIME: Confusionism...
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neko-sennin

01-31-2006, 11:14 AM

CHAPTER 3
INSTRUCTION: Enroll at Home of Hairballs Martial Arts School. Learn the ancient arts of Karate, Curse Fu, Clock-jutsu, Romulan Kick-Shitting, and Ko’An-ken. Contact Chewbacca at 1-800-555-FUCK, or damn him in person.

Thou art reading the Book of Hondo. Now back to the story:

In Non-Euclidean Space there lived a man whose name and number were not listed. And these art the descendants of the man whose name and number were not listed:

And the Man Whose Name and Number Were Not Listed begat Ithiel. And Ithiel begat the Ghost of Tom Joad. And the Ghost of Tom Joad begat Issachar. And Issachar begat Nebat. And Nebat begat the Last Emperor.

And the Last Emperor begat a monkey. And the monkey begat Vegeta. And Vegeta begat Vegeta. And Vegeta begat Vegeta. And Vegeta begat Vegeta. And Vegeta begat Vegeta. And Vegeta begat Vegeta. And Vegeta begat Vegeta. And Vegeta begat Vegeta. And Vegeta begat Vegeta. And Vegeta begat Vegeta. And Vegeta begat Vegeta. And Vegeta begat Vegeta. And Vegeta begat Vegeta. And Vegeta begat Vegeta. And Vegeta begat Vegeta. And Vegeta begat… well, ye get the idea…

And Jakeh begat the Son of the Hawai’ian King Kaméhaméha. And the Son of the Hawai’ian King Kaméhaméha begat Kungfucius.

And it came to pass one day in the Place of Light and Song, that a man didst enter the Spooky Door at the end of the Endless Highway.

And the man said unto him, ‘I am Scoot the Ko’An, the First Apostle of Hondo. I seek thy training, O Great Master Kungfucius.’

‘What have ye got, wouldst thou showeth me?’ asked Kungfucius. ‘For stranger than I look am I.’

And so Scoot didst stand backwards.

‘All thou hast, is that?’ demanded Kungfucius. ‘Do that standing on my head I couldst.’

‘Well, Kungfucius, I do have this,’ quoth Scoot, and he didst draw the HellRazor.

‘The HellRazor…’ quoth Kungfucius. ‘Remember to say the words didst thou, before removing it from its resting place?’

‘Why doth everyone keep asking me that?’ quoth Scoot. ‘Maybe we didst not say every single syllable of it, but basically we didst say what we couldst read.’

‘Guah!’ cried Kungfucius. ‘Realize thou not that by removing the sword without saying the words, raiseth hell thou hast?’

‘Yeah, yeah,’ quoth Scoot, ‘we have already had that lecture from the Monkey Man. Now wouldst thou traineth me in the way of Confusionism?’

‘Impatient art thou,’ quoth Kungfucius, ‘but hast thou a sense of humor to match thine apparent powers?’

‘Why didst the chicken crosseth the road—’

‘Pedestrian,’ quoth Kungfucius.

‘A Montanan, a Canadian, and a North Dakotan—’

‘Too local.’

‘Why didst the monkey fall out of the tree?’ quoth Scoot.

‘I know not,’ quoth Kungfucius.

‘Because he was dead,’ quoth Scoot. ‘Why didst the second monkey fall out of the tree?’

‘A second please give me…’ quoth Kungfucius. ‘I know not.’

‘Because he was stapled to the first monkey,’ quoth Scoot.

‘Passable…’ quoth Kungfucius, though Scoot couldst see that Kungfucius was trying very hard not to laugh, and was greatly failing, at that.

‘Oh yeah!’ quoth Scoot, ‘Well, why didst the third monkey fall out of the tree?’

‘Um… Uh…’ quoth Kungfucius. ‘Heard this one I have…’

‘Peer pressure!’ quoth Scoot.

‘Stop it!’ cried Kungfucius, for he was now rolling on the ground laughing. ‘Killing me, thou art!’

‘Come on, Kungfucius, even my aunt’s old Commodore computer couldst compute that!’

And they didst laugh their asses off.

‘Beginner’s luck hast thou,’ quoth Kungfucius, ‘for a master of comedy I am.’

‘But I thought thou’rt a master of martial arts,’ quoth Scoot, ‘for the Gods of Hondo hath sent me here to train in the art of Confusionism.’

‘Learn to quantemplate ye must before taking on the philosophy of Confusionism,’ quoth Kungfucius. ‘Not just decorations, these cats art, for super-intelligent beings art they. To prepare thee, teachest thou psychic kung fu and verbal jujitsu I will. Reach a new level thou shalt. But first hit the books thou must. Walk this way.’

And Scoot didst, following the Master Kungfucius all the way to the attic, which was cluttered with ancient books.

For Kungfucius was the Keeper of Arcane and Forgotten Knowledge, as well as the Lost Runes of Wisdom.

And so Scoot didst begin his training in the attic of Kungfucius, in a place of light and song, with twelve cats laughing at him.

Canst Scoot complete Kungfucius’s training? What wilt become of the Dudes in his absence? Learn more of their fate in the next self-destructing chapter of the Book of Hondo…

NEXT TIME: Rat Boy...
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neko-sennin

02-02-2006, 10:13 AM

CHAPTER 4
FOR SALE: Must sell 1884 Chevy Shit-Mobile. In fat Italian condition. Cat-pan orange with hot-black trim. 31-wheel drive. A steal at forty-twelve dollars.

Thou art reading the Book of Hondo. Now back to the story:

And the Dudes didst resume their quest for the Thing with the Stuff, but without Scoot the Ko’An and Nori the Cursing Faerie, the days didst become dull and uneventful.

And it came to pass that the Demigoddess Heidi didst appear before RJ in a dream, and said unto him: ‘RJ… Go forth and findeth a chicken. Thou shalt taketh the chicken and cut its head off, then drink thee the warm blood spurting from its neck…

‘Thou shalt then bury it under a yew tree in a cemetery at midnight, and leaveth it for three days. At midnight of the third day, thou must diggeth it up whilst singing “Original Prankster” backwards, and in Swahili…

‘Thou shalt then feedeth the dirty three-day-old carcass to a three-legged goat. If the goat doth try to get it on with thee, it meaneth thou hast done something wrong, and thou shalt have to start all over again…

‘But if ye did this right, the goat shalt vomit up a blue substance which thou must eateth in no more than ten seconds. Don’t worry, for the hallucinations shouldst stop after a day or two…

‘If thou doeth these things, thou shalt attain lost knowledge that wilt help thee…’ (props Little Miss 1565/Offspring)

‘But beware: if thou maketh even one mistake, heaven knoweth who or what the hell thou shalt awaken as. Go forth, not fifth, or thou shalt be last, RJ…’

And so RJ didst do as the Demigoddess of Hondo commanded him.

Unfortunately, he didst make a mistake, and didst awaken as Rat Boy. And so Rat Boy didst do as the Demigoddess of Hondo commanded him. But it didst take him several more mistakes to get back to his original self. And when it was all over, he didst write down all that he didst see in his visions.

And these were the writings of RJ, the Assistant God of Hondo:

‘Congratulations on thy purchase of the Thing with the Stuff! This amazing item shalt be more useful than any ten things thou owneth, more helpful even than thy towel. Thou art truly lucky to possess it.

‘Instructions: Thou shalt inserteth Tab A into Slot B (see thee Figure C-4). Then thou shalt install the dilithium power unit and turneth the key on the back three times (see thee Figure F-0). The number of times thou shalt turn the key shalt not be one, nor shalt it be two; nor shalt it be four or five; only three times shalt thou turn it, lest great and terrible things shouldst happen…

‘If thou doth desire to read the rest of this manual, thou must taketh a mummified cat and—’

‘What art thou reading?’ asked Fuct the Politically Correct Faerie. ‘Hey! This is totally inappropriate for thou to readeth!’

And she didst take a Zippo lighter and didst burn the Instruction Manual for the Thing with the Stuff (Abridged).

‘Great!’ quoth RJ. ‘Now I hath to start all over again!’

‘Surely the rod up her ass hath a rod up its ass,’ quoth McBean.

And it came to pass whilst they were fighting over the Instruction Manual, that a piece of it didst tear off and light Myles’ hair.

‘Ding-dong doodly damn!’ cried Myles the Unbeliever as he didst dance around, for his blue hair dye didst burn really hot.

‘Oh shit!’ quoth Casey. ‘The Unbeliever hath uttered a curse.’

‘D’oh!’ quoth Myles. ‘Um, I mean I don’t believe it!’

‘What is wrong with ye people?’ cried Fuct. ‘Why must thou always curse and swear? Why must thou always be doing these retarded things? Why canst thou not conform?’

And the Dudes didst shrug their shoulders.

And Adria didst prophesy: ‘And a time shall come when the Little Black Box canst not be found. And the people shall say, “Here cometh the fortune cookies! Here cometh the fortune cookies! They art wearing paper hats!” For the return of Bob the Kiwi shalt mark the end of the world of men…’

‘Woo-hoo!’ cried Jennifer. ‘Gimme a big hell yeah! Testify!’

‘Jennifer!’ snapped Fuct.

‘…In the Eighth Hour of the Eighth Day of the Eighth Month of the Eighth Year, a goat shalt sneeze… and it will be good. The chicken shalt get the rebound and keep playing. Of all the minutes that were taken away, will thy watch be waiting? Biteth the wax tadpole, for drinking Pepsi shalt bring back thine ancestors!’

And so Fuct didst give the Dudes a long lecture about performing rituals with chickens, digging in cemeteries, and listening to devil-music.

Meanwhile, Scoot had trained for many days under the watchful eye of Kungfucius. Once he hit the books, he had read from the Lost Chapters, the Missing Pages.

‘Master thy power thou must,’ quoth Kungfucius, ‘or master thee thy power shalt.’

‘Wow!’ quoth Scoot, ‘I’m hitting the books at a college level!’

For the books were indeed hard targets, but after playing Brockian Ultra-Cricket with them for many days, he had reached into new mental realms, and didst completely trash Kungfucius’ attic.

‘Thy kicks pack quite a punch, but giveth thy punches more kick, thou must,’ quoth Kungfucius.

‘I wonder how Nori is doing…’ quoth Scoot, for in his quantemplations he had seen Nori running her errand in Faerie Land.

‘Concentrate!’ quoth Kungfucius. ‘Concentrate thou must!’

As Scoot doth continue his training with Kungfucius, Nori hath almost finished her mysterious errand in Faerie Land. Wilt Nori return in time to help the Dudes? Canst she finish her errand? Find out in the next fistagonal chapter of the Book of Hondo!

NEXT TIME: "I Am Scoot the Ko'An!"...
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neko-sennin

02-03-2006, 11:05 AM

CHAPTER 5
LOST: Red and green Yoshi. Answereth to the name Mayor Quimby. Do not attempt to embezzle on thine own. Get thee some help.

Thou art reading the Book of Hondo. Now back to the story:

And it came to pass that the Dudes were cruising down the highway with their stereo blasting, and Fuct the Politically Correct Faerie was complaining about all the bad words in the songs.

‘Wilt thou please turn that off?’ quoth Fuct.

‘What wouldst thou have us listen to?’ quoth an exasperated Casey.

‘What about Madonna, or maybe N’Sync?’ Fuct didst suggest.

‘Dost thou really listen to that crap?’ quoth Dirty Uncle Orty.

‘Please loseth that commode-mouth,’ quoth Fuct. ‘And what’s wrong with N’Sync?’

‘Ye know,’ quoth Jennifer, ‘most of those guys don’t even make their own songs.’

‘Yes they do!’ cried Fuct. ‘I heareth them on the radio all the time.’

‘Now thou knoweth why Scoot doth not listen to the radio,’ quoth Adria.

‘Hast thou ever heard of pitch-correctors?’ asked McBean. ‘Most lip-sync, for they sucketh so much.’

‘I don’t believe it!’ quoth Myles the Unbeliever.

‘Lies! Lies!’ cried Fuct. ‘Nori doth always tell me the same thing! Now, we shalt go over the basic concepts of Political Correctness again, as thou hast already seemed to have forgotten them.

‘If thou intendeth to succeed in this world, thou canst not run around saying things which offendeth people.’

‘Even if ’tis the truth?’ quoth RJ.

‘Especially if ’tis the truth,’ quoth Fuct. ‘Remember, thou shouldst never let the world see the real thou…’

And it came to pass whilst Fuct was giving her lecture about the Importance of Conformity, that a police car didst come upon them with flashing lights and sirens.

So the Dudes didst pull over.

And the Sheriff didst break one of their taillights, and rip off their ‘Fuck Authority’ bumper sticker whilst several more cruisers didst pull up.

‘Okay,’ quoth Fuct, ‘for once try to remembereth the things which I have taught thee. Please, no donut jokes. No oinking— Casey, I am looking in thy direction…’

‘License and registration,’ quoth the Sheriff, for he was a man of considerable girth. ‘Thou knoweth the drill.’

‘But thou knoweth who we art,’ quoth Casey. ‘As the Beige Knight of Hondo, I demandeth to know why thou hast stopped us.’

‘We have been searching for the Dudes for some time,’ quoth the Sheriff. ‘If thou’rt doing nothing wrong, then thou wouldst not mind if we doth look in thy trunk.’

‘Jennifer?…’ quoth the Dudes as they didst look at her in unison, for she was the High Priestess of Hondo.

‘We shalt look anyway, since we have a warrant,’ quoth the Sheriff.

‘Warrant?’ cried RJ. ‘For what?’

‘Hey!’ cried Fuct. ‘What art thou doing? What hath happened to our civil rights?’

‘ ’Tis called the Status Quo…’ quoth McBean.

‘This must be some kind of misunderstanding,’ quoth Fuct. ‘Dudes, I think we shouldst not fight them, for that wouldst be bad. Surely if we surrendereth, they might be gracious enough to—’

‘Thou shalt respect mine authori-tah!’ cried the Sheriff as he didst haul out his flyswatter.

And such was the end of Fuct the Politically Correct Faerie. And there was much rejoicing.

‘We have a warrant for the arrest of the Dudes,’ quoth the Sheriff. ‘Thou shalt tell us where Scoot the Ko’An is!’

‘Look thee no further. I am Scoot the Ko’An,’ quoth McBean.

‘No. I am Scoot the Ko’An!’ cried Casey.

‘No, I am Scoot the Ko’An!’ cried Adria.

‘I am Scoot the Ko’An!’ cried the Dudes in unison.

And the Dudes didst roll up the windows and lock the doors, making funny faces at the cops. Then they didst peel out in a cloud of burnt rubber.

‘After them! They art slowly getting away!’ cried the Sheriff, for the Dudes couldst not go faster by not go-ing slower in an 1884 Chevy Shit-Mobile.

And it came to pass that the Sheriff didst have a heart attack from eating too many donuts, and breathed his last.

‘Faster!’ cried Pud.

‘I can’t!’ cried Casey. ‘It’s a Geo!’

And the Goddess didst appear and smack him.

‘ ’Tis not!’ cried Adria.

‘Aye, but ’twas fun to say.’

And the Dudes didst lead the cops and their helicopters on a low-speed chase down the highway until their poor gas mileage didst send them coasting to a halt.

‘Pay The Man!’ cried the cops who didst challenge the Dudes.

And the Dudes didst resist with raised fists, fighting with all their might.

But the Dudes were no match for their rubber bullets and bean-bag launchers. Even the Hyper-X Buttplate was of no avail against them. The cops didst get to have a good old-fashioned beatdown, and bust the Dudes for weapons violations, for there were laws in that land against concealed buttplates and Gothic axes.

And so it came to pass that the Dudes were led into captivity in chains.

Whilst the Dudes were forming one-man conga lines in prison, Scoot the Ko’An was levitating whilst he was meditating, when he didst see disturbing visions of the Dudes, and they were in terrible danger.

For Kungfucius had taught him how to better quantemplate. And Scoot didst fall down.

‘Scoot, constipateth thou must,’ quoth Kungfucius. ‘Let the power floweth through thee.’

‘But ’tis harder than it looketh,’ quoth Scoot, ‘for the gravity is strong in this attic. Why is that, anyway?’

‘Never mindeth thou that,’ quoth Kungfucius. ‘Trouble constipating, thou hast?’

‘Aye,’ quoth Scoot, ‘for I see in my meditations visions of the Dudes, and they art in great peril. I want to stay and train with thee, but methinks they art in over their heads, for I canst not see Nori. Without her, those dumbasses have not a fucking clue what to do.’

‘But ready art thou to face these adversaries?’ quoth Kungfucius. ‘More powerful than any thou hast faced, they art. Yes, minions of The Man…’

‘There is only one way to find out,’ quoth Scoot, and he didst draw the HellRazor, saying, ‘for I am as ready as I shall ever be.’

‘Scoot, behind leave thy sword,’ quoth Kungfucius. ‘Thy staff take up, for time to put thy true power to the test it is.’

And so Scoot didst take up his staff once more, and Kungfucius didst give him a ziplock baggy of power pills.

‘Mine own homebrew these art,’ quoth Kungfucius. ‘Hath some extra kick they do. Hee! Hee!’

‘Thanks,’ quoth Scoot.

And Scoot didst exit the Spooky Door from the place of light and song and didst set forth once more to help the Dudes. After training under Kungfucius, Scoot felt light as a feather and couldst summon up more power than ever.

And the Ass-Kickin’ Apostle didst say the Runner’s Prayer: ‘Mighty Gods of Hondo, lighteth a fire under mine ass, that I might go faster by not going slower.’

But he didst have to run all the way around the world to get there, and he didst crank up his walkman and run across deserts, and down highways, through forests, over mountains, and across the sea.

Canst Scoot save his friends? Hast his training with Kungfucius been enough? Find out in the next action-packed chapter of the Book of Hondo!

NEXT TIME: Kreeblies!...
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neko-sennin

02-04-2006, 06:44 PM

CHAPTER 6
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Thou art reading the Book of Hondo. Now back to the story:

At long last, Scoot didst finally reach the court where the Dudes were being tried unfairly by the minions of The Man. He had passed through a wave of strange traps on his way into the eerily empty town, all brought on by a mysterious force he couldst not put his finger on.

Now he stood before the guards at the door, and he had run out of ideas. So Scoot didst pop a Mentos to maketh himself fresh…

And it came to pass that Nori the Cursing Faerie didst finally return from her mysterious errand to find that the Dudes were being tried by the minions of The Man.

But the doors were locked, and no one wouldst let her in.

‘This locked door is no match for me!’ cried she. ‘I shall curse it off its stupid, dumbshit, goddam, motherfucking hinges!’

And she didst curse at it with all her might until it didst fall off its stupid, dumbshit, goddam, motherfucking hinges.

And so she didst enter the courtroom to find the Bailiff reading charges. And these were the charged leveled against the Dudes:

‘…Defying the Laws of Thermodynamics, Carrying a Concealed Buttplate, Corrupting the Youth, First Degree Homicide for the murder of the Sheriff—’

‘My ass!’ cried Nori. ‘For the pig didst have a fucking heart attack before the battle even started! Just getting off his fat ass was too much for him!’

‘Dost thou ever knock?’ demanded the Judge.

‘I’m a barger, not a knocker.’

‘Where is Scoot the Ko’An?’ demanded the Judge. ‘Where is he hiding?’

‘Ha!’ cried Nori. ‘Scoot wouldst never hide from the likes of thee! He’ll get here! And when he doth, he shall show thee what a fucking coward thou art!’

‘Whatever…’ quoth the Judge.

And the Bailiff didst resume the reading of charges:

‘Disturbing the Peace, Resisting Arrest, Possession…’

‘That stuff wasn’t mine!’ cried the High Priestess Jennifer.

‘…Stealing Government Property, Reckless Driving, Indecent Exposure, Medical Fraud, Crossdressing Without a License, Tax Avoision, and Overtime Parking.’

‘Hast the Imperial Magistrate reached a verdict?’ quoth the Prosecutor. ‘Guilty or Innocent?’

And in the Hour of Worrying, an old man didst barge into the courtroom wearing robes and a beard shouting, ‘Let my people go!’

‘Who the hell art thou?’ cried the Judge.

‘Yo, the Scootly One is in the house, y’all!’ cried Nori.

And Scoot didst tear away the fake beard, saying unto them, ‘I am indeed Scoot the Ko’An, the Ass-Kickin’ Apostle, and I come bearing a message. Sayeth the Gods of Hondo: “Let my people go!” ’

‘And dost thou really expecteth me to just hand these criminals over to a wanted man?’ quoth the Judge.

‘At least I don’t parade around in my bathrobe carrying a hammer,’ quoth Scoot. For he was still wearing his Gi from training with Kungfucius.

And there was much laughter.

‘Order in the court!’ cried the Judge. ‘Order sayeth I!’

‘I shall have a Vodka Martini—’ quoth Scoot, ‘Shaken not stirred.’

‘I repeat,’ quoth the Prosecutor, ‘Hast the Imperial Magistrate reached a verdict? Guilty or innocent?’

‘Hey, dumbass!’ quoth Scoot. ‘I challenge thee!’

‘Thou art too late,’ quoth the Prosecutor. ‘Thou canst not change things ex post facto.’

‘What didst thou sayeth?’ quoth Scoot. ‘I am afraid I never learned to speak thy tongue.’

‘And, which tongue, pray tell, wouldst that be?’

‘The Forked one, of course.’

‘Ha!’ cried the Prosecutor. ‘Thou art no match for my legal mumbo-jumbo!’

‘Fuck the bullshit! ’Tis time to throw down!’ cried Scoot. And he didst throw down his staff, and it didst turn into a snappy defense lawyer.

And after a short, harsh debate which no one else couldst understand, Scoot’s lawyer didst defeat the Prosecutor.

‘Thou hast a very competent staff, Scoot…’ quoth the Judge.

‘Yes, yes,’ quoth the Bailiff, ‘but hast the Imperial Magistrate reached a verdict? Guilty or innocent?’

‘Innocent…’ quoth the Judge. ‘Feed them to the Kreeblies!’

‘I canst sum up my position on that matter with just one finger,’ quoth Scoot.

Which Nori didst demonstrate for him.

‘Let my people go!’

‘Never!’ cried the Judge.

And both lawyers didst turn into staves, and Scoot and the Judge didst fight a duel. And Scoot didst bust out some kung fu action on his ass.

‘How didst he become so hardcore?’ quoth the Judge. ‘He shouldst be no match for me…’

‘Thou hast forgotten the cardinal rule of combat,’ quoth Scoot, ‘for ’tis better to give than to receive.’

‘Thou hast no idea what thou’rt up against!’ cried the Judge, as he didst shatter, revealing a hooded figure with only one eye. ‘…Pay The Man!’

And that was when the Kreeblies didst swarm into the courtroom.

Hey! ’Tis I, Scoot! and in the next chapter of the Book of Hondo, I must find a way to beateth the System and save my friends. And what is it with this one-eyed man? Find out in the next weird-ass chapter of the Book of Hondo!

NEXT TIME: "Let My People Go!"...
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neko-sennin

02-06-2006, 03:36 AM

CHAPTER 7
SHAMELESS SELF-PROMOTION: For Chapter 7 was brought to thee by Scoot the Ko’An: unmolested by focus groups since 1977.

Thou art reading the Book of Hondo. Now back to the story:

‘What the fuck art those things!?’ cried Yoco.

‘Shit! Those art Kreeblies!’ cried Nori. ‘And they art everywhere!’

For Kreeblies didst look like evil Jawas, with black cloaks and glowing green eyes.

‘They don’t look so tough,’ quoth Casey. ‘I canst handle them.’

‘Speak for thyself!’ quoth Nori.

Whilst Scoot didst battle the one-eyed man, Nori didst steal the key from the Bailiff and didst use it to free the Dudes, who didst do battle with the Kreeblies.

For Scoot had powered up more than ever, but the Kreeblies didst keep interrupting their fight.

‘We canst not hold out much longer!’ cried Dirty Uncle Orty. ‘They art not very strong, but they just keep coming!’

‘How many art there?’ demand-ed RJ.

And so the Dudes were fighting a losing battle against Kreeblies too innumerable to count.

‘Now I shall have thy Lucky Charms!’ cried the one-eyed man, for he had managed to knock the staff out of Scoot’s hand.

‘No thou shalt not!’ cried Jennifer as she didst come out of hiding from under the evidence table. And she held in her hand a Voodoo doll she had made out of the bags of herb from the table. ‘Thou hast beaten innocent people! Thou hast planted false evidence to accuse me! Thou hast mocked my position as the High Priestess of Hondo! This time thou hast gone too far! Let my people go!’

‘Ha!’ quoth the one-eyed man. ‘Dost thou think I shall back off in my moment of triumph? For I have defeated the so-called Ass— Ooowwwwww! Thou bitch! That hurt!’

For Jennifer had stuck a pin up the doll’s ass.

‘And I shall do it again, if thou doth not let us go!’

And Scoot didst pop one of the power pills which Kungfucius had given him, and didst power up more than ever.

‘Dammit!’ quoth the one-eyed man. And he didst power up. ‘I shall defeat thee yet!’

‘No ye won’t!’ quoth Jennifer, for this time she didst aim the needle at the doll’s crotch.

‘But how canst this be? I don’t believe in Voodoo!’ cried the one-eyed man.

‘Well, neither doth Myles the Unbeliever,’ quoth Jennifer, ‘but it worketh just fine on him.’

‘And I still don’t believe it!’ quoth Myles.

‘Fine,’ quoth the one-eyed man, ‘ye win. But mark my words, thou shalt pay for—’

And Jennifer didst toss the doll in the trash, causing the one-eyed man to go flying out the window into the dumpster outside.

And so Scoot didst giveth the Dudes some power pills, and they didst kick the Kreeblies’ asses.

And to celebrate their victory, the Dudes didst have a great Riverdance out in the street for all who were down with the free.

‘Is Kungfucius’s training really all that?’ asked Casey.

‘Aye,’ quoth Scoot, ‘and a bag o’ chips. Hey! I think we shouldst all go back to Kungfucius and train with him. We couldst all benefit from his mysterious training.’

And so the Dudes didst set forth for a place of light and song.

Canst the Dudes maketh it to the Master Kungfucius’? Canst Scoot leadeth them down the Endless Highway? Now that they have defeated the minions of The Man, what other evil tricks hath this mysterious and sinister foe up his sleeve? Find thee out in the next unthinkable chapter of the Book of Hondo!

NEXT TIME: Planet of the Teletubbies...
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neko-sennin

02-07-2006, 10:52 AM

CHAPTER 8
NOW HIRING: We needeth a sneaky young person as a part-time President. Must be over nine years of age and own thine own fruit basket. Damn hours and double-damn pay at $7! per slut.

Thou art reading the Book of Hondo. Now back to the story:

And it came to pass one day in Asgard that the God of All Things Found Under Couch Cushions didst begin to ponder the limitations on his godly power, and he didst decide that he deserved more.

Upon reaching this conclusion, the God of Dammit stood and spake unto the God of Overwhelming Obesity, saying: ‘As of now, I declareth myself the God of Sex.’

‘No!’ spake the God of Everything Else, ‘Sex falleth under the Everything Else category, and as I am the God of Everything Else, I therefore am the God of Sex.’

‘I context,’ spake the God of Stupidity, ‘for I really believeth that I shouldst be the God of Sex.’

‘Out of the question,’ spake the God of Bouncies.

‘But what if Sex falleth under the Couch Cushions?’ demanded the God of Hawai’ian Shirts.

‘How canst sex fall under couch cushions?’ spake the God of Bald Bastards. ‘That doth beg the question, what exactly is the definition of sex?’

‘After eight years of Bubba, I no longer knoweth!’ cried the God of Magic. ‘I am confusticated!’

And the Gods of Hondo didst turn to Count Chocula™, and Matt said unto him, ‘I shouldst be the God of Sex, right, Chocula™?’

And Count Chocula™ was silent.

‘We shall take that as a yes,’ spake the God of Everything Else.

‘Stupid Count Chocula™,’ spake the God of Stupidity ‘…He doth always side with Matt.’

And so they didst vow to settle this in a manner befitting the Gods of Hondo.

But, after not being able to think of a worthy Contest, they didst decide to seeketh counsel from the Ass-Kickin’ Apostle.

And it came to pass that the Dudes were corrupting the youth when the Gods of Hondo appeared unto them as mummified cats and Matt said unto them: ‘Derrick wisheth to challenge me, but we canst not think of a Contest worthy of a godly dispute.’

‘We ask thee, Scoot,’ spake the God of Orange Juice Drinking, ‘to think up a contest that is worthy of the Gods of Hondo.’

And Scoot didst quantemplate as Kungfucius had taught him, and said unto them, ‘We shouldst settle thy dispute according to the rules of Hondo.’

‘Rules?’ the Gods of Hondo didst ask in unison.

‘Aye,’ quoth Scoot. ‘Doth not the Seventh Commandment say: “Thou shalt settle all disputes by playing Rock Paper Scissors.”?’

‘Oh, right,’ spake the God of Grape Squishies, ‘we have forgotten about the Commandments. But Rock Paper Scissors is too basic for gods such as we.’

‘Complain not to me, for those art thine own rules,’ quoth Scoot, ‘If thou followeth them not, then what sayeth we shouldst have to?’

‘Fuck! I hate being a role model,’ spake Matt.

‘Canst we not just pull a Pope, and sayeth that the rules don’t apply to us?’ asked the God of Hawai’ian Shirts.

‘No,’ spake the God of Reruns, ‘that wouldst be too Catholic.’

And so Scoot didst call upon all of the Dudes to quantemplate with him.

‘I have an idea,’ quoth Yoco.

‘Shut up, goat-boy,’ spake the God of Dammit.

‘But ’tis a really good idea,’ quoth Yoco. ‘Why don’t we maketh a harder form of Rock Paper Scissors! That way thou canst still follow the Seventh Commandment, and the Universe won’t have to instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.’

‘That wouldst be a plus…’ spake the God of Resisting Arrest.

‘Sweet merciful crap!’ cried Nori. ‘Is it actually possible for something to make less sense than the Gods of Hondo?’

‘Let us never find out,’ spake the God of Religion. ‘I thinketh thine idea might just work!’

And the Gods of Hondo didst vanish from their midst, only to reappear moments later.

‘We, the Gods of Hondo, have decided to use thine idea, Yoco,’ spake Matt. ‘and we shalt call this advanced form of Rock Paper Scissors the Godly Challenge.’

‘And because ’twas thine idea, thou Brian Fritz Pud Yoco Peppy McBean Skanky-Bitch, shalt be official ref of this and all future Godly Challenges,’ spake the God of Odnoh. ‘As we art both going to sacrifice thee, we knowest that thou showeth neither of us any particular favor.’

And so it came to pass that a challenge worthy of a godly dispute was devised.

‘Hold on a second, Scoot, or whoever the hell is writing this,’ spake Matt.

What? quoth the Narrator.

‘First of all…’ spake Matt, ‘Why must thou sayeth “quoth the Narrator” when thou art speaking? It doth make thee sound like a dumbass.’

I must, quoth the Narrator, otherwise our listening audience wouldst not have a clue who is speaking.

‘How the flying fuck dost thou have a listening audience in a book?’

And so the Narrator didst cast the Gods of Hondo into the Land of the Teletubbies to be butt-raped by Tinky-Winky (thanks for the wonderful mental image, Rev Falwell), and then driven insane by the constant hugging and the high-pitched, incomprehensible squeaking.

‘Aaargghh!’ screamed the Gods of Hondo in unison, ‘ ’Tis like Deliverance, only with less river and more anal raping!’

‘Narrator! Please!’ cried the God of Humor, ‘Bring us back to the Dudes and away from the constant fulfillment of Tinky-Winky’s urges and desires!’

Only if Matt apologizeth, quoth the Narrator.

Is this the end of the Gods of Hondo? Canst they escape from the Teletubbies?

‘Hey!’ cried Matt, ‘This isn’t funny!’

Resumed the Narrator, Wilt Matt apologize? Find out in the next grab-ass chapter of the Book of Hondo!

NEXT TIME: The Godly Challenge...
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neko-sennin

02-08-2006, 11:46 AM

CHAPTER 9
NEW PRODUCT: New and Improved All-Goo, the cream for people over –13 years of age. All-Goo now containeth a new ingredient called Drano, which is made from distilled hour juice. If thou rubbeth All-Goo on thy hairy thing every evening, thy complexion shalt look as rosy as a flower. Remember, if thou desireth a softer, smoother daydream, get thee All-Goo in the handy 914-lb carry size!

Thou’rt reading the Book of Hondo. Now back the story:

‘See, there ye go again with that “quoth the Narrator” crap!’ spake Matt, ‘Thou soundeth like a fucking dumbass!’

‘Matt! Shut up!’ cried Derrick. ‘Quick! Apologize! Tinky-Winky’s getting frisky again!’

‘Okay, Okay!’ spake Matt. ‘I’m sorry I called thee a fucking dumbass, now canst thou get us the fuck out of here!?’

‘Uh-oh!’ quoth Tinky-Winky, ‘ ’tis not right to cuss. Thou’rt being a bad, bad boy, Matt. A bad, bad, bad boy, and I think thou needeth a spanking!’

‘Hellllpp!’ cried the Gods of Hondo.

Apology accepted, Matt, quoth the Narrator.

And the Narrator didst bring the Gods of Hondo safely back to the place they left the Dudes, who had been waiting for a while, and had resorted to putting squirrels in each other’s pants for the purpose of betting.

And the Narrator said unto them, Methinks thou hast learned thy lesson: No one fucks with the Narrator! Got it?

‘We get it,’ spake Derrick.

‘Thank’ee, Mr Narrator,’ spake Matt.

‘Matt, from now on, keepeth thy fucking mouth shut!’ spake the God of All Things Found Under Couch Cushions.

‘Fine,’ spake the God of Stopping the Clock. ‘Now where were we? Oh, we still haven’t figured out who shalt be the God of Sex.’

‘We don’t have to,’ spake the God of Evil, ‘for I am the God of Sex.’

‘Verily I say, I am the God of Sex!’ spake Matt.

‘Children, children,’ quoth Scoot. ‘We shalt decide this with the Godly Challenge, remember?’

‘So what is the Godly Challenge, anyway?’ asked the God of Orange Juice Drinking.

‘The rules art simple…’ quoth Yoco.

‘That won’t do,’ spake the God of Micromanaging. ‘We needeth rules that art worthy of gods.’

‘Very well, the rules art complicated,’ quoth Yoco. ‘Thou shalt play Rock Paper Scissors. If say, Derrick doth win, Matt hath the right to a rematch for two-out-of-three. And if Matt doth win, Derrick canst challenge him to the best three-out-of-five, four-out-of-seven, five-out-of-nine, and so on. The first to win two of these challenges in a row doth win the Godly Challenge.’

‘Finally!’ spake Matt. ‘Rules complicated and insane enough to be worthy of the Gods of Hondo!’

And there was much rejoicing.

And so, by standing back-to-back and playing Rock Paper Scissors, the God of Everything Else didst secure his title as the God of Sex. After the first Godly Challenge, for there were many to come, Derrick was able to the gain the rightful titles of the God of Flirting, God of M&Ms, and God of Nipples.

And the Gods of Hondo didst decide to reward the Sacrificial Goat for his solution to their problem.

‘We, the Gods of Hondo, wisheth to delegate some of our godly powers,’ spake the God of Sex, ‘but because it hath been decreed that there canst be no good part about being the Sacrificial Goat of Hondo, we shall give to thee the godly powers of Hicks, Perverts, and All Odd, Perverted, and Just Plain Wrong, Beings and Objects.’

‘What!?’ cried Yoco.

‘Basically, thou art the Patron Saint of Hicks,’ spake the God of M&Ms.

‘Fuckers…’ Yoco didst mutter to himself.

‘I heard that,’ spake the God of Nipples.

And the Gods of Hondo didst vanish from their midst, and the Dudes didst continue their journey to find the Master Kungfucius.

Canst the Dudes find Kungfucius and traineth with him? Wilt it do them any good? Find out in the next pointless chapter of the Book of Hondo!

NEXT TIME: The Return of Shmiles Shmowen the Damned...
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neko-sennin

02-09-2006, 09:41 AM

CHAPTER 10
Chapter Ten is brought to thee by the good people at Houghton-Mifflin Press, rewriting history for over 500 years.

Thou art reading the Book of Hondo. Now back to the story:

In Sector 7-G there lived a man who was called Whaaazup, and he was hated throughout the land, for everyone was tired of hearing his name over and over again.

And so it came to pass that an angry mob didst drag poor Whaaazup into the street and stoned him. Then didst the mob lynch Whaaazup’s mother and father, Howzit-goin and Salutations, for being stupid enough to name their son Whaaazup. After that, the mob didst turn on Whaaazup’s brothers, Yo and Word, and his sisters, Howza and Whatchadoin, all were killed by the mob.

Only Whaaazup’s adopted brother, Ahoy-hoy, didst escape the Great Greetings Massacre.

And Ahoy-hoy begat Thomas the Warrior Princess (for the operation was a success). And Thomas the Warrior Princess begat Gehazi the Trendy, and there the lineage of Miles of the Mowen stopped, for no one didst believe the line of Ahoy-hoy would ever amount to much.

And it came to pass that no one knoweth (or careth) who begat Miles of the Mowen.

One day, as Miles was riding to town to sell his ass and make some money, he came upon the Dudes going faster by not going slower.

‘Who art thou, and whither art thou going?’ quoth Miles.

‘Who art thou and whither art thou going, thyself,’ quoth the Dude with the staff.

‘And who the fuck art thou to ask us anyway?’ demanded the Faerie who was with them. ‘Dost thou not realize thou’rt speaking to Scoot the motherfuckin’ Ko’An? Hello? Ever hear of the Ass-Kickin’ Apostle of Hondo?’

‘I am Miles of the Mowen,’ quoth Miles, ‘and I am on my way to Frisco to sell mine ass. I am told thou canst fetch top dollar for a good ass in Frisco.’

‘Thou still hath not answered my question, shit-for-brains,’ quoth the Faerie.

‘I am the owner of these here lands, so I ask thee again, who art thou, and whither art thou going?’ Miles didst answer.

‘I am called Scoot the Ko’An, and these art the Dudes,’ quoth Scoot. ‘Surely thou hast heard of us. The Gods of Hondo hath charged us to find the Thing with the Stuff.’

‘Aye, I have,’ quoth Miles. ‘So thou art Scoot the Ko’An, and Casey, and Yoco, and Booby, and Adria, and Dirty Uncle Orty, and… uh… that Faerie Dude!’

‘Nori!’ screeched Nori. ‘I am Nori the Cursing Faerie, thou fuck-up son of a motherfucking, fart-sucking, ass-banging bitch!’

‘Whatever,’ quoth Miles.

‘Dammit!’ cried Nori.

‘Ye called…’ spake the God of Dammit as the Gods of Hondo didst pull up in their fucked-up Geo. And before Nori couldst summon up another colorful barrage of insults, the Dudes didst pile in.

‘ ’Tis the Gods of Hondo!’ cried Miles. ‘I have always wanted to meet thee!’

‘Quick! Let us away!’ spake the God of Flirting.

But Miles didst manage to sneak aboard.

‘We the Gods of Hondo have considered thy request,’ spake the God of Outer Space Meditating, ‘and have decided that thou, Miles of the Mowen, shalt never be allowed to join the Dudes.’

‘Furthermore,’ spake the God of Odnoh, ‘from this day forward, thy name shalt be called Shmiles Shmowen the Damned as a reminder of thy banishment from Hondo.’

‘But… but… but…’ quoth Miles.

‘Sorry,’ spake the God of Sex, ‘but we already have a Myles.’

‘But he doth not even believe in thee…’

‘And I still don’t believe it!’ quoth Myles the Unbeliever.

‘Ye heard the man,’ spake the God of Hawai’ian Shirts. And he didst throw Smiles Shmowen out of the car.

And the Gods of Hondo didst peel out, leaving Shmiles Shmowen standing there picking his nose.

‘Dost thou not realize that is Shmiles Shmowen the Damned?’ spake the God of Droppin’ Science. ‘He hath been cursed, so he may never join the Dudes!’

‘Good save,’ quoth Scoot.

‘Thou hast no idea how close ye came to falling under his terrible curse,’ spake the God of Orange Juice Drinking.

‘Since we knoweth that most of thee wouldst have trouble keeping up with Scoot on the Endless Highway at this point,’ spake the Goddess, ‘we shall give thee a lift to the end.’

‘Wait a minute!’ cried Nori, for Count Chocula™, David and Heidi were all riding with them. ‘There art more people in this car than ever! But the last time we rode with thee, Yoco had to sit on my lap! What flying monkey fuck is going on here?’

‘Did we not tell thee this car hath multiple dimensions?’ spake the God of Sex. ‘No matter how many people getteth in, there shalt always be just enough room for everyone.’

‘Yeah right!’ quoth Casey, for his legs didst hang out the passenger side window.

‘Ye fit, didn’t ye?’ spake Heidi.

And so the Gods of Hondo didst give the Dudes a lift to the end of the Endless Highway.

Canst the Dudes holdeth their breath long enough to reach their destination? Was there any point at all to this chapter? Find out in the next pimpin’-fresh chapter of the Book of Hondo!

NEXT TIME: Jinx!...
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neko-sennin

02-10-2006, 10:26 AM

CHAPTER 11
AD FOR NEW PRODUCT: New and Im-proved Prince Albert in a Can. He sliceth, he diceth— he shall even do thy homework for thee! All he asketh is that thou letteth him out.

Thou art reading the Book of Hondo. Now back to the story:

And it came to pass that after the Gods of Hondo didst drop the Dudes off at the end of the Endless Highway, that a fell figure didst appear at the Spooky Door.

‘Naginata…’ quoth Scoot.

‘I standeth between thee and the HellRazor,’ quoth Naginata. ‘Now would ye be so kind as to granteth me a re-match?’

And Scoot didst power up.

‘Bring it on!’ cried both of them in unison.

‘Jinx!’ quoth Scoot.

And Naginata was speechless. So he didst give Scoot the finger.

‘And thou calleth thyself the Polite Assassin,’ quoth Scoot. ‘Cat got thy tongue? Hast thou run out of bold threats already?’

And Naginata didst stomp away.

‘Art thou gonna cry off?’ quoth Scoot. ‘Oh yeah. Ye can’t.’

And there was much laughter.

‘Hot-damn!’ quoth Nori. ‘He doth look mad enough to implode!’

And it came to pass that the Polite Assassin Naginata didst implode, and didst collapse in on himself and become a singularity.

‘Cool!’ quoth Yoco. ‘Kungfucius must’ve taught ye that move!’

And the singularity didst begin to suck everything up.

‘Run away! Run away!’ cried Scoot.

And the Dudes didst retreat into the Spooky door to a place of light and song, for the singularity didst not only consume the Mushroom Thieves, but the Spooky Door, and every mile of the Endless Highway, as well.

‘Homewrecker!’ cried Kungfucius as the Spooky Door didst stretch and shrink out of existence.

‘Wait one fucking minute!’ cried Nori. ‘Doth this mean we art trapped in this shithole now?’

‘Shit? Hole?’ quoth Kungfucius. ‘My home this is! …But alas, no, trapped here thou’rt not. Many other Spooky Doors in my world there art.’

‘Then why didst the Gods of Hondo send me down the Endless Highway when there were other ways in?’ quoth Scoot.

‘For the hell of it,’ quoth Kungfucius. ‘Want to know who’s to blame, the cats will…’

‘Blameth the implosion on Yoco,’ quoth Casey.

‘Hey!’ quoth Yoco.

‘Thou art the Sacrificial Goat,’ quoth Scoot. ‘Thou art at fault by general principle.’

‘Worketh for me,’ quoth Kungfucius. ‘Now come to train, hast thou not? Get started we shall. Yes… First thou, tall one. Maketh me laugh!’

‘Oy…’ quoth Scoot.

And so it came to pass that the Dudes didst begin their training with the mystical Master Kungfucius.

NEXT TIME: The Labors of the Dudes...
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neko-sennin

02-11-2006, 05:10 PM

TABLE OF CONTENTS:

DISCLAIMER
OPENING CREDITS
TABLE OF CONTENTS
BOOK 0— HONDO
THE BOOK OF SCOOT
THE POINTLESS TALE OF PIPPIN THE BASTARD
1ST DUDES
2ND DUDES
THA BOOK OF FLAVOR FLAV
THE BOOK OF CHOCULA™
THE BOOK OF KUNGFUCIUS
THE LABORS OF THE DUDES (THOU ART HERE)
THE BOOK OF KAMÉHAMÉHA
SCOOT THE KO’AN’S EPISTLE TO THAT CENSORING B**** JANE FONDA
THE BOOK OF SPOOKY DOORS
THE BOOK OF MACABRE
BOOK — ODNOH

THE LABORS OF THE DUDES
(The Labors of the Dudes was brought to thee by McDisney’s, a division of Coca-Cola, Inc. We dare thee to eat it! (Testimonial) sayeth Bill Hilly: ‘Ma couser Jeb ate it an’ he’s still alive! Ma couser Daryl an’ ma other couser Daryl ate it too, an’ they got purty sick, but they’s also still alive!’ Mickey D’s! Now supplied by more humane slaughter houses!)

And it came to pass that at Scootly Ko’An Manor the phone didst ring. And didst ring. But Scoot didst sleep like the dead and wouldst not answer.

‘Wake up, dumbass!’ Nori the Cursing Faerie said unto the shapeless mass of blankets. ‘Get thy lazy ass out of bed and answer the damn phone!’

And so Scoot didst finally get his lazy ass out of bed, throw on a robe and slippers, and didst walk across the alley to the pay phone next to his shack. For the pay phone had been ringing for the last three hours, and people were daring each other to answer it.

‘Lousy Smarch weather…’ muttered he as he didst answer the damn phone. ‘Ahoy-hoy?’

‘Zooty, zoot, zoot! ’Tis I, Brian Fritz Skanky-Bitch,’ quoth Brian Fritz Skanky-Bitch.

‘Dammit!’ quoth Scoot. ‘Thou art determined to keep me from putting on my pants!’

‘Thanks for that wonderful mental image, Scoot.’ quoth Brian Fritz. ‘But I call thee bearing terrible tidings. The Gods have done something stupid!’

‘Is that what passeth for news these days?’ quoth Scoot. ‘When art the Gods not doing something stupid?’

‘What didst those dumbasses do this time?’ demanded Nori.

‘I know not the details,’ quoth Brian Fritz, ‘but the Gods of Hondo hath done something really stupid this time. More so than usual, that is.’

‘I shall call them at once,’ quoth Scoot. ‘In the meantime, I wouldst advise thee to hide under a table or a bed until I get back to thee.’

And he didst hang up on Brian Fritz and didst call the Hondo Hotline.

And the God of Everything Else didst answer the Red Phone, saying, ‘Ahoy-hoy?’

‘Zooty, zoot, zoot!’ quoth Scoot. ‘ ’Tis I, Scoot the Ko’An.’

‘I told thee not to call me here,’ spake Matt (flush).

‘Sorry,’ quoth Scoot, ‘but is it true what McBean hath said unto me? What hast thou done this time?’

‘ ’Tis quite simple,’ spake Matt. ‘We have made a bet with a total stranger. We didst bet that the Dudes couldst perform any thirteen labors of his choice without fail.’

‘Why thirteen, Lord Matt?’ quoth Scoot.

‘Because that whiny wimp Hercules only had to do twelve,’ spake the God of the Art of Drowning.

‘And where cometh we to the part about Brian Fritz saying thou didst something stupid?’ quoth Scoot.

‘That wouldst be the part where we didst bet the Thing with the Stuff,’ spake Matt.

‘But thou hast not the Thing with the Stuff,’ quoth Scoot. ‘What if ye lose?’

‘But he didst bet the Question,’ spake the God of Tap-Dancing.

‘What question?’ quoth Scoot.

‘The Question whose answer is 42,’ spake Matt. ‘We have ransacked Jehovah’s private records, and ’twould appear to be the one thing he doth not know. Aside from that age-old question of whether or not he couldst create a closet even he couldst not get out of.’

‘And I think we now know the answer to that,’ quoth Scoot. ‘I guess there was nothing he couldst not do. So what hath he challenged us to do first?’

‘Thy mission, shouldst thou decide to accept it,’ spake the God of Existential Quandaries, ‘is to come unto Asgard and to slay the Multi-Tentacled Home Theatre Beast.’

‘I am on my way, Lord Matt,’ quoth Scoot as he hung up. And he didst turn to Nori, and said unto her: ‘Nori, art my pants on?’

‘Hell no!’ quoth Nori.

‘Excellent,’ quoth Scoot. ‘To the Scoot Mobile!’

‘Thou meaneth the 1884 Chevy Shit-Mobile?’

‘Aye…’ quoth Scoot, for he had added Scootly symbols to it.

‘Why the fuck dost thou still haveth that piece of shit?’

‘Nori, money doth not grow on trees,’ quoth Scoot. ‘ ’Twas all I couldst afford.’

‘But thou’rt the First Apostle of Hondo,’ quoth Nori.

‘Tell me, hast thou ever seen a fat apostle?’

‘Dost Buddha count?’

‘Go fuck thyself,’ quoth Scoot. ‘Now let us go forth and findeth the Dudes.’

‘But how the fuck art we supposed to get to Asgard?’ quoth Nori. ‘It isn’t even on this plane of existence! Do the Gods ever thinketh anything out?’

‘I doubt it,’ quoth Scoot, ‘but we shall first gather the Dudes. Then shall we worry about finding Asgard.’

And so Scoot the Ko’An and Nori the Cursing Faerie didst set out in the Scoot Mobile (a-k-a the 1884 Chevy Shit-Mobile) to find the Dudes.

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(The Scoot Mobile (1884 Chevy Shitmobile smile-big ))

NEXT TIME: The Multi-Tentacled Home Theater Beast...
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neko-sennin

02-13-2006, 03:06 AM

CHAPTER 2
And it came to pass that the Dudes didst travel unto Asgard in the Scoot Mobile, former home of the Norse Gods of old, now official headquarters of the Gods of Hondo.

Among the splendid, shining palaces they didst drive, as former angels didst continue to restore them in accordance with Lord Derrick’s Work Rehabilitation Program.

‘What a ride!’ quoth Dirty Uncle Orty. ‘I wouldst never have believed ye could fit so many people in the trunk of the Scoot Mobile!’

‘But telleth me,’ quoth Casey. ‘Is not the number thirteen bad luck?’

‘No,’ quoth Scoot. ‘ ’Tis bad luck to be superstitious.’

‘Looketh yonder, Derrick!’ spake Matt, ‘ ’Tis the 1884 Chevy Shit-Mobile!’

‘Dost thou not mean the Scoot-Mobile?’ spake Derrick, for he couldst see the Scootly symbols.

‘Shit Mobile… Scoot Mobile…’ spake the God of Running With Scissors and Other Sharp Objects, ‘Is there a difference?’

And so it came to pass that the Dudes didst arrive in Asgard.

And the Multi-Tentacled Home Theatre Beast didst terrorize those who dwelt in Asgard, reaching out with fiber-optic cables of death from the Entertainment Center of the Gods. For every cable that was cut off didst become two, and by now the attempts to trim it had caused the Home Theatre Beast to become terror to behold, a writhing mass of cables so thick that no one couldst see the entertainment center anymore, and those who dwelt in Asgard lived in fear.

And so Scoot drew the HellRazor and said unto the Dudes, ‘Let’s go!’

And all of the Dudes who didst have blades drew them, and RJ didst hand Booby a sword.

‘What?’ quoth Booby, ‘I’m kinda new here…’

‘Taketh one for the team,’ quoth RJ.

And so the Dudes didst power up and taketh a mighty thwack at the mass of cables, but the fiber-optic tentacles didst grow back two-fold.

‘That won’t work,’ quoth Scoot.

‘Well duh!’ quoth Nori.

‘We hath already tried that one,’ spake the God of Stupidity, ‘and we hath lost many a good worker to its gaping digital maw.’

‘We were too lazy to think of any new ideas,’ spake Matt, ‘so we didst let the stranger bet on thee.’

And the TV screens in Asgard didst all begin show the same message. And this was the message on the TV screens of Asgard:

PAY THE MAN.

‘Dammit! Get thee over here, ye dumbasses!’ quoth Nori.

And the Dudes didst huddle, and Nori didst explain her plan.

And so Scoot didst jump in once more to hack and slash at the cables. But before they couldst grow back, RJ didst blast each one with the Hyper-X Buttplate, fusing and sealing it.

And in this way, the Dudes didst subdue the Home Theatre Beast, cutting it back to its cable outlet, so that at last the Gods of Hondo couldst tame their entertainment center.

‘Many thanks for this awesome victory, mighty Gods of Hondo!’ cried RJ as he didst bow prostrate before them.

‘Hey!’ cried Nori, ‘point that Buttplate somewhere else!’

And Brian Fritz didst upstage RJ by bowing a hell of a lot better than he ever couldst.

‘No,’ spake the God of Screwing Perfect People, ‘we must thank thee this time for stopping that home theatre. It hadst gotten completely out of hand.’

‘It all started when we didst try to install our new digital TV,’ spake the God of Hawai’ian Shirts. ‘and it didst not take long for it to taketh over.’

‘There art things to be said for analog, mighty Gods of Hondo,’ quoth Scoot. ‘Thou shouldst really try to keep thine entertainment center more organized.’

‘We shall,’ spake the God of All Things Found Under Couch Cushions. ‘But now we hath a new labor for thee to perform.’

‘The stranger hath dared thee to overthrow the tyrant who hath taken over a peaceful land,’ spake the God of Irrelevant Topics. ‘Thou may’st use any means necessary, but the people must support thine actions for it to counteth.’

And so the Dudes didst set out to find a once-peaceful land and overthrow the tyrant who had taken it over.

NEXT TIME: The Iron Pacifiist...
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neko-sennin

02-14-2006, 10:11 AM

CHAPTER 3
And it came to pass that after the Dudes had crossed through the desert on a horse with no name, they came upon a peaceful country which had been overthrown by a terrible tyrant.

And in this once-peaceful land they found a woman being beaten by soldiers.

‘Excuseth me,’ quoth Scoot as he didst knock one of the soldiers aside, ‘but what seemeth to be the problem here?’

‘Stay thee out of this!’ quoth the leader of the soldiers. ‘ ’Tis none of thy concern. This woman refuseth to pay us for protection.’

‘And who sayeth she must pay thee anything?’ demanded Scoot.

‘Sayeth the General,’ quoth the soldier. ‘He shalt be running things for the duration. Now I warn thee to stay out of this, or thou shalt also face our wrath!’

‘Keep thy wrath to thyself,’ quoth Scoot, for he knew that a duration could be a very long time. ‘Thou art cowards, ganging up on just one person. Let us see how ye bullies doeth against someone who fighteth back!’

‘Punk, ye don’t scare us,’ quoth the soldier.

‘I shouldst warn ye,’ quoth Scoot. ‘Ye don’t stand a chance against me.’

‘Yeah!’ quoth McBean, ‘for that’s the Ass-Kickin’ Apostle of Hondo! Scoot couldst take all of thee himself!’

And so Scoot didst power up—

‘Please!’ cried the woman. ‘Don’t do this! We art pacifists. The others wilt not support violence on our behalf.’

‘Of all the stupid, fuckin’…’ quoth Nori. ‘Scoot, remembereth thou what the Gods of Hondo said unto thee about the people’s support!’

‘Now ye tell me,’ quoth Scoot.

And the soldier didst smack him.

‘Is that the best ye can do?’ Nori taunted him, for his blow didst not even phaseth Scoot.

And Scoot didst turn the other cheek, and the soldier didst smack him again.

‘Ha! Is that how thou get’st thy girlfriend to show thee respect, thou woman- bashing, bitch-slapping, tailpipe-fucking male-slut!’

‘Nori!’ quoth Scoot, for he didst now slap his ass at the soldier. ‘Knock it off! I’m rapidly running out of cheeks to turn!’

And so it came to pass that the soldier didst kick Scoot’s ass.

‘Some Ass-Kickin’ Apostle thou turneth out to be!’ laughed the soldier as he and his men didst walk away. ‘He canst not even fight his own battles! The General wilt be pleased to know that his enemies art such weaklings!’

‘Well, that was fun…’ muttered Scoot as he didst get up. ‘Nori, couldst thou possibly thinketh up anymore ways to embarrass me whilst thou’rt at it?’

‘I shall try,’ quoth Nori.

‘So how dost thou propose to liberate people who wilt not even fighteth for their own freedom?’ quoth Yoco.

‘Yeah,’ quoth Casey, ‘for thou may’st enjoy getting thine ass kicked, but we Dudes findeth it so humiliating.’

‘Ye must understandeth,’ quoth the woman, ‘our ancestors were powerful warriors, and they didst cause much harm to the other peoples of the land. One day, they didst decide not to use their power anymore, and since that day our people have been Pacifists.’

‘Call thy people together,’ quoth Scoot, ‘for I may knoweth a way to stop this dictator.’

And so she didst call all of the people of the land together, and Scoot didst rally them together and speak unto them.

And it came to pass that Scoot didst amass an army of militant pacifists (props Jim Lindberg), and together they didst march on the Presidential Palace.

With drums and bagpipes didst the mighty throng of nonviolent people drive off the enemy.

And they didst try to holdeth the Dudes off at the walls, but enemy’s systems didst run on Windows 95, and since what the Dudes were doing was an illegal operation, the system didst lock up and stop running.

Once inside the Palace, Scoot didst take the floor before the General couldst, for according to the law of the land, whoever hath the floor first couldst speak for as long as he pleaseth.

‘Four score and seven BTUs ago, Lord Matt spake unto Moses: “have thee three cans of beans,” and he didst come back the next day— “Big fart, no chief…” ’ And Scoot didst power up, and it came to pass that he didst filibuster the General to death.

Even the Gods of Hondo didst fall asleep during the many long days of Scoot’s impossibly boring and pointless speech.

And so Scoot was dragged off, still ranting and raving about how men wouldst one day mineth green cheese from the moon, even after he won, and the people’s peaceful leader was again restored to the throne, and it came to pass that on the seventh day, Scoot rested.

In honor of Scoot’s bizarre victory, the people didst give him the title of the Iron Pacifist. Though Scoot was a warrior, they knew he wouldst always lend a nonviolent hand to help them.

And it came to pass that the Gods of Hondo didst appear before the Dudes as Tweedle-Dum and Tweedle-Dee, and Tweedle-Dee— er, Matt— said unto them: ‘Hail, Dudes! Thou hast completed yet another labor. But a long road doth still lie ahead of thee.’

And the God of All Things Found Under Couch Cushions didst yawn, and said unto them: ‘Great speech, Scoot. ’Twas positively riveting. Ye had me on the edge of my seat. I just, um, (yawn) needeth to take a nap.’

‘Now we hath a new labor for thee,’ spake the God of Monosodium Difluouroacetic Acid. ‘The stranger hath challenged thee to stayeth awake for ten minutes of MTV’s Real World.’

‘Thou must be shittin’ us!’ cried Nori. ‘How couldst he demandeth something so monstrous?’

‘But why canst we not watcheth it on thy cool TV?’ quoth Brian Fritz.

‘Wouldst thou liketh to hook it up?’ spake the God of Attention Deficits.

And it came to pass that the Demigod David didst appear and useth his technical know-how, which he didst learn in a high school electrical class on a middle-school curriculum, to fixeth the entertainment center of the Gods so it didst work again.

And so, without pretense, the Dudes didst set out to findeth their own TV to complete their next labor.

NEXT TIME: The So-Called "Real World"...
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neko-sennin

02-15-2006, 11:00 AM

CHAPTER 4
And it came to pass that as the Dudes were letting the Wookiee win, whilst trying really hard to ignore Shmiles Shmowen the Damned, they didst find themselves surrounded.

‘Good Ganja!’ cried Nori. ‘ ’Tis thothe thilly purple ninjath again!’

And seeing that his ass was in danger of attack, Miles of the Mowen didst hide his ass in the bushes to watch the battle.

‘But I thought we didst take care of them at the Airport!’ quoth Yoco.

‘ ’Twould seem we have not finished the job,’ quoth Scoot.

But the Dudes had underethtimated the thkillth of the purple ninjath, for they didtht thteal the HellRathor, and all of the Dudeth’ weaponth.

‘Ha!’ quoth the leader of the thilly purple ninjath. ‘Thou art no match for uth! We art the Mathter Purple Ninjath! Our Order hath killed many over the thenturieth, including Jethuth, Juliuth Thaethar, and Thocrateth, but the Greeks and thothe damn copy-cat Romanth kept taking all the credit!

‘ ’Twath we that killed Hitler! We that made Jimmy Hoffa dithappear, and tooketh out X! We that were the Thecond through the Hundred-and-Thecond Gunmen on the Grathy Knoll! Now we have come for thee, Thcoot the Ko’An, and all who follow thee!’

‘Not so fast, ye assholes!’ quoth Yoco.

‘What the fuck art thou doing?’ demanded Nori.

‘I calleth upon the Godly Powers delegated unto me by the Gods of Hondo,’ quoth Yoco, ‘to raiseth an army of Hicks!’

‘Not Hicks!’ cried Shmiles Shmowen, fearing for his ass.

‘Hicks?’ quoth Scoot. ‘What the hell canst they do?’

‘Yeah,’ quoth Casey, ‘for they art always fucking sheep.’

‘Yea tho they always have their dicks rammed up sheep’s asses for kicks,’ quoth Yoco, ‘they were born with shotguns in their hands.’

And so Yoco didst try to summon the Army of Hicks, and it came to pass that nothing happened.

‘Hey!’ cried Yoco, ‘where is my fucking army of Hicks?’

And it came to pass that the God of Nipples didst appear before the Dudes as Vanna White, and said unto Yoco: ‘We the Gods of Hondo have decided that the Brian shalt not be allowed to use Hicks for any thing other than his own personal pleasure. Have thee a nice day.’

‘But why now, of all times?’ cried Yoco.

‘ ’Cause thou’rt the Hans!’ sang the God of Magic as he didst vanish in a puff of green smoke.

‘That is seriously fucked-up, thou sickos!’ cried Yoco, for he was greatly disgusted by the Gods’ proclamation, as were the rest of the Dudes.

‘Damn pig-fuckers!’ cried Yoco whilst shaking his fist toward Asgard. ‘Damn ye all to hell!’

‘Now what the fuck art we supposed to do?’ demanded Nori. ‘I should have known better than to rely on Yoco to get us out of this…’

‘Oh well, here goeth nothing…’ quoth Scoot as he didst power up, for he knew there was only one thing left to do.

And so Scoot didst summon up all of his power, and didst stand farther backwards than he had ever stood before. Scoot stood so far backwards that he didst pass through three time zones.

‘Thufferin’ thuccotash!’ cried the Mathter Purple Ninja.

And it came to pass that the thilly purple ninjath didst melt into a puddle of pink and purple goo, and upon seeing the Scootly One standeth so far backwards, the Dudes’ brains were overloaded.

And so the only two still standing were Nori (who had the common sense to closeth her eyes when Scoot standeth backwards) and Yoco, who was still facing towards Asgard as he was bitching out the Gods.

‘Fuckin’ A!’ cried Nori. ‘Kungfucius must’ve taught ye that one!’

‘Aye,’ quoth Scoot. ‘Gee, I guess I knoweth not mine own strength…’

And Yoco didst turn around from cursing the Gods of Hondo to see the destruction, asking, ‘Did I miss something?’

‘Now what, Einstein?’ quoth Nori. ‘For the Dudes art all as braindead as a dead moose being humped by Tom Green. We canst not heal all of them, for we have only three healing potions left.’

‘I do not know,’ quoth Scoot as he didst remove the HellRazor from the puddle of goo.

And it came to pass that Vanna White— er, Derrick— didst once more appear before the Dudes, and said unto them: ‘We the Gods of Hondo shalt not restoreth the rest of thy crew until thou fulfilleth thy labor.’

‘Shit…’ quoth Nori.

And so Scoot, Nori and Yoco didst restore Adria, Casey, and Myles, and didst leave Shmiles Shmowen and his ass in a comatose state, and it came to pass that he never followed the Dudes again.

After wandering around for many days, they didst walk into a random person’s house and didst turn on the TV to watch MTV’s Real World.

‘I can’t taketh it!’ cried Myles the Unbeliever. ‘There is no God!’

‘That’s what thou always sayeth,’ quoth Scoot.

And Myles didst fall asleep.

‘Didst I actually watch this when I was a freshman?’ quoth Casey. ‘What ever… happened… to… soap…’

And Casey didst fall asleep.

‘Canst… not… fucking… stay… awake…’ quoth Nori.

And she didst fall asleep.

‘Sleep is for the weak!’ quoth Scoot.

‘Sorry, Scoot, I didst try…’ quoth Yoco.

And he didst fall asleep.

‘So mind-numbingly… boring…’ quoth Scoot as he didst yawn. ‘Three more minutes… Must quantemplateth…’

And even Scoot didst fall asleep.

And it came to pass that Adria, the Prophetess of the Hondo, didst stay awake through ten minutes of MTV’s Real World, for she didst getteth excited about anyone and everyone else’s life but her own during that time, and was easily amused, in accordance with the Twenty-Fifth Commandment.

And she didst prophesy: ‘Say, “Let the chips falleth where they may. I shalt ask the chickens for a raise.” For the Gods of Hondo shalt perfect the Science of the Idiot!

‘And it shall come to pass that a circus carny shalt be guarding the gates of heaven. For they calleth it a Wasteland, where the Red Machine doth hold court.

‘There the people all grindeth out uniform turds. The kitty and I now shareth the same catbox, and the Clock is laughing in my face. For Bob the Kiwi shalt return to earth and goeth unto the grocery store to buyeth an ice cream sandwich…’

And Adria didst prophesy many things which the Gods of Hondo wouldst forbid the coming of to pass, but for that they were also sleeping.

And it came to pass that the God of Lesbians didst appear before them as a balloon poodle, and didst heal the Dudes.

Sayeth the God of Maladjusted Freaks: ‘Thou art to be congratulated, Adria… at least I thinketh… That was pretty creepy. But the stranger hath a new challenge for thou to overcome.

‘Thou’rt to go unto the Company Town and findeth a way to defeateth the Board of Directors.’

‘No problem,’ quoth Scoot, for he had awakened from his hellish nightmare of endless commercial breaks and pointless VJ prattle. ‘We wouldst be more than happy to take them off the air for thee.’

And it came to pass that the lovely arm of Vanna White didst reach out of nothingness with a pin and didst pop the God of Corrupting Fair Maidens.

‘Damn ye, Derrick!…’ cried the disembodied voice of Matt.

And the Dudes didst go forth to find the Company Town and overthrow the Board of Directors.

NEXT TIME: Britney Spears = WMD!?...
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neko-sennin

02-16-2006, 11:09 AM

CHAPTER 5
And it came to pass that as the Dudes were on their way to the Company Town, the God of Cutlery appeared before them as a Yellow Submarine, and said unto them: ‘Hail, Dudes! I am come bearing great tidings. We have decided to create a new holiday in honor of Derrick, the God of Stupidity.

‘From henceforth the second day of the month of April shalt be known as Idiot Awareness Day. On this day, thou shalt find creative ways to point out to others how they art idiots. And Idiots didst think they were safe after April Fools’ Day…’

‘Aye! We’ll show them!’ quoth Scoot.

And there was much rejoicing.

And the God of Sluttery didst vanish from their midst, and the Dudes went forth. And for three days didst the Dudes point out to every idiot they met how it was they were idiots, so over-zealous were they in following Matt’s command.

And in came to pass that the Dudes didst finally reach the Company Town.

‘But how shalt we overpower so many guards?’ quoth Casey. ‘We hath not that many healing potions.’

‘Why dost thou always turneth to me to do thy thinking?’ demanded Nori. ‘Do thy own thinking for a change, thou country-fried horse’s ass!’

‘But we liketh thine ideas,’ quoth Scoot. ‘Now we must quantemplateth…’

‘I have an idea,’ quoth McBean.

‘Shut up, goat-boy!’ quoth the Dudes in unison.

‘Dudes, I shalt not give thee any more fucking ideas until thou cometh up with one of thine own,’ quoth Nori.

And the Dudes readily agreed to listen to McBean’s idea, for they were too lazy to thinketh up one on their own.

And so it came to pass that the Dudes didst don industrial-strength earphones and marched around walls of the Company Town with amps blasting “Mmm-Bop” at full volume.

And after enduring thirty seconds of this, the guards fell on their swords, and blood ran down the walls in a crimson stream. Before the Dudes couldst turn it off, the walls fell down, crushing those unfortunate enough not to have a sword to fall on, for even they couldst not withstand the Dudes’ audio bombardment.

Then didst the Dudes march down the street, meeting no resistance, until they came unto the Plexi-Glass Tower, which stood like a monolith amid the destruction.

‘Ha!’ quoth Scoot. ‘Thy high-tempered glass is no match for us! Stereo Boy!’

And McBean didst turn on the amps again, and even the mighty Plexi-Glass Tower couldst not withstand more than a few notes of Maria Carey before it didst shatter, raining broken glass on all who dwelt therein.

Inside, the Dudes found that the Board of Directors had all hanged themselves when they realized what an atrocity their products were in the wrong hands.

‘Ye know,’ quoth Scoot, ‘some of our recent exploits must surely redefineth the concept of war crimes.’

‘Aye,’ quoth McBean, ‘for there shouldst be some kind of law against what we just didst.’

‘Verily I say,’ quoth Adria, ‘this didst not take as long as I had feared it wouldst.’

‘Well how long wouldst thou last against bubblegum pop?’ quoth Casey.

‘Holy fucking hookers riding bronco on a whale, Batman!’ cried Nori, for she had come upon the Company’s new Internet Program Regulator Software. ‘This couldst be a threat to freedom on every goddam level of cyberspace!’

‘Aye,’ quoth Dirty Uncle Orty, ‘we canst not alloweth those bastards to increase their stranglehold over everything. This is a threat even greater than the Holo-Demon.’

‘In fact,’ quoth Jennifer, ‘this doth look to be the Technomage’s handiwork.’

‘When art the Gods of Hondo going to appointeth that Patron Saint of Technology anyway?’ quoth RJ.

And it came to pass that RJ didst destroy the only disk which didst contain the Internet Program Regulator Software with the Hyper-X Buttplate.

And after making the Internet safe for democracy, the Dudes went forth to await the Gods’ next labor.

NEXT TIME: Round II...
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neko-sennin

02-17-2006, 11:11 AM

CHAPTER 6
And it came to pass one day that as the Dudes were mastering their asses, they were overtaken by Ayatollah Asshollah LXXXVI and his forty Élite Beardos of Death.

‘Destroy the Infidels!’ cried the Ayatollah as he brandished his scimitar at them.

And the Dudes didst power up and prepare for battle.

After training with Kungfucius the Dudes fought the Élite Beardos of Death to a standstill.

‘Well I’ll be damned!’ quoth Nori. ‘ ’Tis a stalemate!’

‘Maybe thou shouldst summon the devil,’ quoth Yoco. ‘After all, it worked for thee last time.’

‘After what we did to him last time,’ quoth Scoot, ‘I wouldst bet that the Great Satan wouldst team up with them.’

‘Thou hast humiliated me for the last time!’ cried Ayatollah Asshollah. ‘I shall destroy the Great Satan no matter what it taketh. Thou American Imperialist Yankee-Doodle dork of a pig, I challenge thee to a duel!’

And he didst smack Scoot with his glove.

‘I accept,’ quoth Scoot, ‘…thou fanatical theo-fascist pig-fucker of a pig.’

And Casey, the Beige Knight of Hondo, didst toss Scoot his gauntlet. And Scoot didst bitch-slap Ayatollah Asshollah with it.

‘The stranger wouldst liketh to make a wager on that,’ spake the God of Bitch-Slapping as he didst appear before them as a psychedelic mailbox.

‘Now who is it?’ quoth Ayatollah Asshollah. ‘Another friend of thine?’

‘This is Matt, God of Bitch-Slapping,’ quoth Scoot. ‘I knoweth thou dost not believeth in the Gods of Hondo, but trust me, it doth not stoppeth them from appearing to Myles the Unbeliever.’

‘Aye, ’tis true,’ confessed he.

‘Then it’s agreed,’ spake the God of Explosions. ‘Scoot the Ko’An VS Ayatollah Asshollah LXXXIV—’

‘Thou meaneth LXXXVI,’ quoth the Ayatollah, who couldst not believe that he was even addressing a pagan god.

‘Not according to what we have found in Jehovah’s database,’ spake the God of Self-Torture and Strenuous Exercise. ‘The stranger doth bet on Ayatollah Asshollah. Now we shall see who is the world’s strongest religious nut.’

‘Or the strangest,’ quoth Nori.

And the God of Getting Up to Get Down didst vanish from their midst.

And so it came to pass that the people of Outer Suburbia didst build an arena for the great combat to be held.

And when it was completed, all the people didst tune in to vieweth the Fight of the Century, that they might knoweth who was the world’s strongest religious nut.

Quoth the announcer: ‘And in the far corner, wearing the black trunks, the Man from Jerkistan… the Sultan of Censorship… the Sheik of Shit-Kicking… the Czar of Zero Tolerance… the Baron of Book-Burning… the Prince of Persecution… the Babylonian Bruiser… the Great Destroyer of Ancient Relics, Ayatollah Asshollah LXXXVI!’

And a mighty cheer went up from the crowd.

Quoth Nori the Cursing Faerie, for she had taken the announcer’s mic: ‘And in the… uh… wrong corner, wearing the… um… Bermuda trunks, the Inventor and Master of the Good-Natured Brawl… the Iron Pacifist… the Champion of Anarchy… the Rascal King… the Prince of Punk… the Sultan of Slacking… the Heavyweight of Hardcore… the Ass-Kickin’ Apostle of Hondo, Scoot the muthahfuckin’ Ko’An! Let us get ready to RUMBLE!!!’

‘And the crowd goeth wild!’ cried the announcer, for he had grabbed the mic back from Nori. ‘Gimme that! Stupid Faerie…’

At the sound of the bell, Scoot and Ayatollah Asshollah didst go at it with their full power.

‘I shall blast thee like an Afghan Buddha statue!’ cried the Ayatollah, and he didst pile-drive Scoot.

‘I shall kick thy sorry ass from one end of the this ring to the other!’ quoth Scoot, and he didst trip Ayatollah was once Sally Struthers, but after being bitten by a radioactive Communist, it didst come to possesseth ten times the strength of an ordinary Ayatollah.

It couldst also clingeth to Republicans and Ayatollah Asshollah was really whoopin’ up on Scoot, and it was pathetic.

‘How canst this be?’ cried Pud, for Scoot’s power level was much greater than the Ayatollah’s.

‘I thinketh that this fight is fixed,’ quoth Dirty Uncle Orty.

And it came to pass that in the Hour of Scurrying, the Gods of Hondo didst lock Don King in the restroom and didst giveth him repeated swirlies.

‘Stomp! And shake that ghetto booty!’ chanted Nori as Scoot didst maketh a comeback against his foe. And the Dudes didst chant with her.

‘Thou art really pissing me off!’ quoth the Ayatollah.

‘Up thine, Ayatollah Asshollah!’ quoth Scoot, and he didst finally use his full power to bust out some kung fu action on the Ayatollah, and he didst give him the Stone Cold Treatment.

‘FINISH HIM!’ cried a mighty disembodied voice.

‘Holy fucking ape shit!’ cried Nori as she and the Dudes looked on in horror. ‘Scoot hath given him the Mega Kung Fu Ultra-Wedgie!’

‘Scoot winneth…’ quoth the announcer. ‘Trunkality…’

‘Ouch! That’s gotta hurt!’ quoth Yoco. ‘With those chainmail undies, it fuckin’ hurteth mine ass just watching! Talk about adding insult to injury…’

‘Scoot, how the fuck didst thou pull off that combo?’ demanded Nori.

‘ ’Twas easy,’ quoth Scoot: ‘Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A, Start. Oh, and thou must remembereth to throw a linker in there for it to work right.’

And God of Southern Illin’ Oi appeared before the Dudes as a flying toilet, and said unto Scoot, ‘We didst take care of Don King, for we knew thou couldst not have a fair fight whilst he was on the loose.’

‘Aye,’ quoth Scoot, ‘for he was trying to blackmail me into throwing the fight.’

‘What the bloody hell didst he blackmail thee with?’ quoth Nori, for Scoot had really let Ayatollah Asshollah openeth a can of whoop-ass on him. ‘Ye were totally craptacular out there!’

‘Dost thou really want to know?’ quoth Scoot.

‘Probably not,’ quoth Nori.

For the Dudes knew of a great many things, save for the fact that Scoot was proud of them.

‘Let me tell thee,’ spake the God of Scampering, ‘thou hast really pissed off the stranger this time! In fact, he was so enraged by thy victory, that he didst think up a really nasty labor for thee.

‘For the thy sixth labor, Scoot, thou shalt go unto thy mother’s house in Shitsplat, which is Havre, and shall do anything she doth ask of thee for one day. Oh, and forget not to say hi to thy mom for me!’

And the God of Short Shorts didst vanish from their midst, and the Dudes didst set forth unto Shitsplat, which is Havre, to do whatever Scoot’s mother wouldst ask of them.

NEXT TIME: The Radioactive Catbox from Hell...
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neko-sennin

02-18-2006, 02:04 PM

CHAPTER 7
And it came to pass that as the Dudes were on their way to Scoot’s old house, the God of Messing with People’s Minds didst appear before them as turkey on rye with a little bit of mayo, and said unto them: ‘Hail, Dudes! Whilst we were waiting for thee to complete thy present labor, we didst think up a new name for McBean.

‘From henceforth, thy name shalt be Brian Fritz Pud Yoco Peppy McBean Oreamnos Americanus Skanky-Bitch.’

‘Dammit!’ quoth Oreamnos Americanus.

‘Ye screamed,’ spake the God of Dammit as he didst appear before them as a bald, fat guy who wouldst cometh by and eateth turkey on rye.

When he had finished eating, the God of Hawai’ian Shirts said unto them: ‘Ha! Now I am in control! That’ll teacheth him to hog the Remote!

‘Now I must away to Asgard before Matt canst findeth where I hid the Remote…’

‘Too late, dumbass!’ spake the God of Dwr Budr as he didst appear unto them as Richard Simmons.

‘Goddammit!’ cried the God of Nipples as he didst chase Matt back into nothingness with a fire extinguisher.

And the Dudes came unto Shitsplat, which is Havre, where they didst meet Scoot’s mother.

And they didst sit and talk over tea.

‘Thou seeth,’ quoth Mom, ‘Scott hath not taken his Ritalin since he was in the second grade.’

‘Well I’ll be a Martha-Stewart-fucking monkey’s uncle!’ quoth Nori. ‘So that is his problem!’

‘The Gods of Hondo have sent Scoot to do anything thou asketh of him for one day,’ quoth Oreamnos Americanus.

‘Well… Scott hath not done his chores since he became an insomniac,’ quoth Mom, ‘so his task shalt be to doeth the dishes.’

‘The dishes!’ cried Scoot, ‘But I have not eaten off of them in years!’

‘I’m not finished,’ spake Mom. ‘Thou shalt also clean the bathroom.’

‘That doth not sound not so bad,’ quoth Oreamnos Americanus.

‘…And thou shalt change the Radioactive Catbox from Hell,’ finished she.

‘Nnnooooo!!!’ cried Scoot, for no one had changed the Radioactive Catbox from Hell since they moved into the house many years ago. Over the years, the catbox had stood unchanged, and those who dwelt in the house of Scoot’s mother didst only dump more litter on the pile. By this point, no one wouldst even go into the room next to the room next to the room with the Catbox, for it didst glow in the dark.

‘I have baby pictures,’ quoth she.

‘Mom!’ quoth Scoot, ‘thou’rt embarrassing me!’

‘No I’m not,’ quoth she.

And whilst Scoot didst prepare to take on the terrible task before him, she didst show the Dudes his baby pictures and tell tales of all the silly things he used to do when he was a small boy.

And after quantemplating for a few hours, Scoot didst go unto the fire hydrant outside the house, and he didst pray unto the spirit thereof.

And Scoot prayed: ‘Great spirit of the fire hydrant, I beseech thee to help me in my labor. I humbly beg of thee lend me thy full power!’

And the spirit of the fire hydrant didst lend Scoot its full power, and it didst summon the power of the spirits of the other hydrants as well, and they didst cleanse the entire house.

And it came to pass that the dishes were done, the bathroom was cleansed, and the Radioactive Catbox from Hell was no more.

And neither was the house.

‘Well,’ quoth Scoot, ‘let it never be said that Scoot the Ko’An didst fail to bring down the house!’

And the Gods of Hondo didst appear before them as a random matrix of ones and zeroes, and the God of Ass-Wipe said unto them: ‘We the Gods of Hondo have argued with the stranger—’

‘—With a little help from Sabrina, Goddess of Arguing—’ added the God of Orange Juice Drinking.

‘—And he hath decided that, as thou hast actually cleaned the Radioactive Catbox from Hell, thou hast technically completed thy labor,’ continued the God of Al Roker, ‘so we art still in business. He hath not yet decided on thy next labor, so thou shalt just wander around until such time as we calleth upon thee.’

And so the Dudes didst go forth and wander as the Gods of Hondo had commanded them.

NEXT TIME: Staring At the Sun...
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neko-sennin

02-25-2006, 02:56 PM

CHAPTER 8
And the Dudes were in the doomed city of Nicky Town, watching out for those low-flying special fx, and the Voice of the Turtle was heard in the land.

And it came to pass that the God of Stupidity appeared before them as a thilly purple ninja, and the Dudes didst power up and beat the crap out of him.

‘Ow! Fuck! ’Tis I, Derrick, God of Humor!’ cried he. ‘Canst thou not taketh a joke?’

‘Sorry, Lord Derrick,’ quoth RJ as the Dudes didst put away their weapons and properly greet the God of M&Ms.

‘Much better,’ spake the God of All Things Found Under Couch Cushions. ‘The stranger hath decreed that thy next labor shalt be to chop down the Money Tree, which groweth atop the steel mountain of Wall $treet. Liveth long and prosper!’

And the God of Hawai’ian Shirts gaveth the Dudes the Vulcan hand sign as he didst vanish from their midst.

‘May the Force by with thee!’ quoth RJ as he didst bow prostrate at the vanishing deity’s feet.

And the Dudes didst glare at RJ.

‘Hast thou thy Gothic Ax, Dirty Uncle Orty?’ quoth Scoot.

‘Aye!’ quoth he.

And so the Dudes didst set forth to choppeth down the Money Tree.

After taking a wrong turn at Albuquerque, the Dudes didst finally discover the misplaced island of Manhattan and didst enter the city thereof.

‘Let us taketh the subway,’ quoth Scoot, ‘for the people there soundeth harmless enough.’

‘Who art those people down there?’ quoth Oreamnos Americanus.

‘The New York City Rats,’ quoth Nori, ‘and trust me, thou doth not want to meet them. Rats! Big, fuckin’ rats, with sharp, pointy teeth! Surely thou hast encountered the New York City Rats in thy many travels, Scoot.’

‘I am afraid not,’ quoth he.

And so the Dudes didst begin their long, laborious climb up the steel mountains of Wall $treet. For it was a long way up, as the small people of the Cubicle had built the mountains as a monument to self-importance.

‘Dudes… I canst go no farther,’ quoth Oreamnos Americanus, for he was out of breath. ‘My feet art killing me.’

‘O ye of little brain-power,’ quoth Nori, ‘didst it ever occur to thee to taketh the elevator, thou fucking knuckle-dragging, boner-biting Neanderthals?’

‘Oh,’ quoth Scoot. ‘Hey, Dudes, ’twould seem we have been doing this the hard way.’

‘Aye,’ laughed Dirty Uncle Orty, ‘but look at her go!’

For Jennifer, the High Priestess of Hondo, was climbing the outside of the building, and she was proclaiming herself the first female human fly.

And she didst fall down, but then a flying saucer came down and didst pick her up, and after she didst take them to her dealer, they didst beam her up to the same floor as the Dudes.

And so the Dudes didst continue their long journey, passing through an endless maze of elevators and tourist attractions.

And it came to pass that one by one, the Dudes didst fall by the wayside to examine certain forms of merchandise.

‘These Wall $treet Suits must have learned from a master of temptation,’ quoth Scoot.

And Lucifer didst appear before Scoot in a cloud of fire and brimstone wearing a suit and tie.

‘Well speak o’ the devil!’ quoth Scoot. ‘Where the hell didst thou come from?’

For Scoot had broken his brain with that last remark.

‘How art thou doing?’ quoth Scoot. ‘Thou’rt still not upset about that whole Bathrobe Incident, art thou?’

‘I must be brief, for I have other pressing matters here on Wall $treet,’ spake the Dark Prince. ‘I wouldst be willing to forget about that little stunt if thou wouldst doeth me one teeny little favor.’

‘I’m not joining thee, and that’s final,’ quoth Scoot. ‘I ain’t down with the Dark Side.’

‘Thou art also not a gangsta,’ quoth Adria.

‘No, no, nothing so big as that,’ quoth Lucifer. ‘I have here in my hand a briefcase full of unmarked bills. They canst be of any currency, any amount ye wish. And they never runneth out. I wouldst be willing to part with it if thou wouldst do one thing. All I ask of thee is that thou wouldst only taketh the Money Tree for me, and not choppeth it down.’

‘No dice,’ quoth Scoot. ‘For the Gods of Hondo have commanded me to choppeth it down no matter what. I will not let my gods lose a stupid bet to a total stranger.’

‘What the Gods of Hondo don’t know shalt not hurt them,’ quoth Lucifer. ‘I have also a magic axe which wouldst create the illusion of the Money Tree being chopped down. Thou couldst help the Gods of Hondo, and liveth like a king without having to move to Mexico.’

‘I can’t get with that.’

‘Come on,’ quoth Lucifer. ‘Let us play Who Wanteth to Be Filthy Fucking Rich? What dost thou want?’

‘It doth involve principles— thou wouldst not understand,’ quoth Scoot as he didst step on the Great Satan’s tail and walked away. ‘Oops, sorry about that.’

‘So be it,’ quoth Lucifer. ‘If that is how thou wanteth to play. I have missed my appointment here, so I must away to an appointment in Georgia. By the way, knowest thou know anything about fiddles?’

And so Scoot didst shrug his shoulders as Lucifer vanished in a puff of smoke.

And it came to pass that Scoot didst notice that he had been turned into a farting chicken.

‘At last!’ cried Adria, ‘no longer is little Skidmarks the last of her kind! The farting chickens shall rise again!’

And Scoot didst flee in terror.

‘Hey! Get thee back here!’ cried Adria as she didst chase Scoot. ‘Thou must mateth with Skidmarks! Scoot!…’

But the Dudes didst agree that Adria’s idea was really fucked-up, and so they didst defend Scoot.

And those who were still with Scoot didst search long and hard, for the way to the Money Tree was well-hidden.

But finally, Scoot, Nori, Adria, Oreamnos Americanus, and Dirty Uncle Orty didst reach the top of the steel mountains of Wall $treet, and there they didst find that the great Money Tree was on the opposite side of the street.

‘Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!’ cried Nori.

And the Dudes didst look down at the concrete canyon below.

‘How art we supposed to get across?’ quoth Oreamnos Americanus. ‘I don’t want to goeth all the way back down and then up another metal mountain.’

And it came to pass that Scoot didst fart, and it didst smell bad.

‘Whoa! That doth stink!’ cried Adria. ‘Scoot is a true farting chicken. He and Skidmarks must bear offspring.’

‘With a power level like Scoot’s, we had better be careful what we feedeth him,’ quoth Nori.

‘Nothin’ floats a brotha like the K-F-C!’ laughed Oreamnos Americanus.

‘Cannibal!’ cried Dirty Uncle Orty.

And at the very mention of the idea of eating chicken, Scoot didst blast off.

‘Let us break wind!’ cried Adria, and she didst grab Skidmarks as she took off.

‘When in Rome…’ quoth Dirty Uncle Orty, and he didst jump and grabbeth Scoot.

‘Hey! Wait for me!’ cried Oreamnos Americanus, for he was left behind.

‘Look not at me!’ quoth Nori as she didst fly across. ‘Thou’rt too heavy!’

And so Adria and Dirty Uncle Orty didst parachicken across the canyon of Wall $treet to reach the Money Tree.

But as they stood before the Money Tree, they saw that the fruit of the tree was pleasing to the eye, and a tree to be desired by anyone who didst seek riches, and Dirty Uncle Orty took the fruit thereof.

‘No!’ quoth Adria. ‘Thou must not giveth in!’

‘But remember what Lucifer said unto us,’ quoth he. ‘So much money…’

‘No… I shall not be moved!’ cried Adria. ‘Take up thy Gothic Ax and put thy money where thy mouth is!’

And Dirty Uncle Orty didst resist the temptation to sell out, and didst chop down the Money Tree.

And when they saw that their precious Money Tree was no more, the investors didst panic, and like a legion of corporate lemmings didst fall off of the steel mountains one by one, for so long they had been staring at the sun.

And it came to pass that the God of Stupidity appeared before them as a talking fire hydrant, and said unto them: ‘Hail, Dudes! Thou hast completed yet another labor. Keepeth this up and me may yet winneth that bet.’

‘Yo, Derrick!’ quoth Oreamnos Americanus. ‘Couldst thou possibly teleporteth me over there?’

And the God of Magic didst teleport Oreamnos Americanus over to the other side of the canyon of Wall $treet.

‘And wouldst thou turneth Scoot back to normal?’ quoth Dirty Uncle Orty.

‘Perhaps…’ spake the God of Humor. ‘I rather like him just the way he is…’

‘Damn straight,’ quoth Adria, ‘for the farting chicken doth not deserve extinction.’

And the God of Transsexual Nazi Eskimos didst appear before them as Otis the horned bulldog, and he didst piss on Derrick.

‘Hey! (glub, glub) That-(glub) not funny!’ cried the God of Orange Juice Drinking as he didst vanish.

‘Aahhh… much better…’ spake the God of Flowin’ Prose. ‘Now, prepare thyself to learn of thy next labor.’

‘We shall do whatever thou commandeth of us,’ quoth Adria. ‘for ’tis always a pleasure to serve thee, thy Hornèd Highness.’

‘Thou shalt go unto Albuquerque and assassinate the Whistling Assassin who doth reside therein,’ spake the God of Ritalin. ‘Now go forth, and complete thy next labor, Dudes.’

And Matt didst vanish from their midst, and the Dudes didst return to Albuquerque to seek out the Whistling Assassin.

(Fear not, for no money was harmed in the making of this chapter.)

NEXT TIME: The Whistling Assassin...
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neko-sennin

02-27-2006, 02:00 AM

CHAPTER 9
In the ‘Housewares’ department of S-Mart there lived a man who saw dead people. And these art the descendents of the man who saw dead people:

The Man Who Saw Dead People begat Birsha. And Birsha begat the Man with the Red Right Hand. And the Man with the Red Right Hand begat Amraphel. And Amraphel begat the Monkey Man.

And the Monkey Man begat Zuzim. And Zuzim begat G I Joe the Eskimo. And G I Joe the Eskimo begat Ashteroth. And Ashteroth begat the Shithouse Poet. And the Shithouse Poet begat Chedor-la’omer. And Chedor-la’ omer begat the Anti-Myth-Rhythm-Rock-Shocka.

And the Anti-Myth-Rhythm-Rock-Shocka begat Kirhar’aseth. And Kirhar’aseth begat Hazeon-tamar the Commie. And Hazeon-tamar the Commie begat Shinab. And Shinab begat Kadesh the Disappearing Boy. And Kadesh the Disappearing Boy begat Tidal.

And Tidal begat Zumbi. And Zumbi begat Karna’im. And Karna’im begat Zeboi’im. And Zeboi’im begat Kiriatha’im. And Kiriatha’im begat Athos, Porthos and Harrison Ford…

Aww, fuck it! Let us skip to the good part!

…And Ellasar IV begat Bardock. And Bardock begat Elparan. And Elparan begat Arioch, who didst wear an onion on his belt, for that was the style at the time. And Arioch begat Mr Mystery.

And Mr Mystery begat Shaveh. And Shaveh begat Shemeber. And Shemeber begat Repha’im the Hippie. And Repha’im the Hippie begat Shinar. And Shinar begat Bera. And Bera begat Richard.

And it came to pass one day whilst Richard was walking down the road that he came upon a party of eight people and a Faerie, and they were traveling with two farting chickens.

‘…But why canst Scoot not just mate with Skidmarks?’ quoth the young woman at the head of the party. ‘Scoot, please? ’Tis for the survival of the endangered farting chicken. Please?’

And Scoot didst continue to refuse.

‘Wouldst that not be a violation of the Second Commandment?’ quoth the tall one.

‘First,’ quoth a fat man walking with them, ‘Scoot hath also been transformed into a chicken, not a rooster.’

‘So?’

‘So,’ quoth the Faerie, ‘thou’rt a fucking dumbass. Scoot may be a farting chicken, but going les shall not solve thy problems.’

‘Scoot go les!’ cried the fat one, and he didst give a great belly laugh. ‘That is seriously wrong!’

‘But… but… but…’

But before Adria couldst maketh another argument, Richard didst ask of them: ‘Who art thou, that thou speaketh of such fucked-up things?’

‘We art the Dudes,’ quoth the fat one. ‘I am called Oreamnos Americanus, the Sacrificial Goat of Hondo, and that is Scoot the Ko’An, the Ass-Kickin’ Apostle. He hath not been himself lately.’

‘So that’s the Ass-Kickin’ Apostle…’ quoth Richard, for he had heard of the Dudes. ‘He doth not look so tough in person.’

And it came to pass that before the Dudes couldst introduce themselves, they were overtaken by a fell figure, and he was walking along, softly whistling the old Alfred Hitchcock theme.

‘Lo and behold!’ cried the fat one as he saw him. ‘ ’Tis the Whistling Assassin!’

For there was none more obvious than the one who doth whistle.

‘Wait one fucking minute here!’ quoth Nori. ‘Thou’rt one of the Mushroom Thieves!’

‘But I thought thou wert all sucked into the vortex when Naginata imploded!’ cried Yoco.

‘Remember that No-Shoh doth always run away. I didst merely tag along with him,’ quoth the Whistling Ass-assin. ‘He refuseth to show himself anymore, but I, Yari the Whistling Assassin, shall avenge Naginata by killing all of thee!’

‘Wait thee another fucking minute!’ quoth Nori. ‘Assassins? I thought thou’rt the Mushroom Thieves!’

‘Why canst we do both?’ quoth Yari. ‘ ’Tis a good cover, don’t ye think? Now, hast thou anymore stupid questions before I destroy thee?’

‘No,’ quoth Nori. ‘Dudes, powereth up and beateth that biz-nitch!’

‘Wait!’ quoth Yoco, ‘for I haveth an idea!’

And the Dudes didst feed Scoot some K-F-C.

‘Cannibal!’ cried Adria.

And Scoot didst fidget and blast, but ’twas of no avail against Yari, for he didst simply putteth on a gas mask.

‘Great! Just fucking great!’ cried Nori. ‘Now what the fuck art we supposed to do?’

‘Ha!’ quoth Richard as he didst step forward. ‘Leaveth him to me! I shall take care of this beeyatch!’

‘Beeyatch?’ quoth Yari. ‘Moi?’

‘Put up or shut up.’

And Richard didst power up.

‘Thy Kung Fu is old!’ cried Richard. ‘Now thou must die!’

And it came to pass that Richard didst beat the shiz-nit out of the Whistling Assassin.

‘Get thee over here, thou punk ho!’ cried Richard as he didst kick Yari. ‘I have a size sixteen to put up thine ass!’

And Yari didst go up, but he didst not come back down. And such was the end of Yari, the Whistling Assassin.

And there was much rejoicing.

‘That’s one badass dude!’ cried Nori. ‘He really knoweth where his fuckin’ towel is!’

And Scoot didst lay an egg.

‘ ’Tis a sign!’ cried Adria.

‘What the fuck is this!?’ cried the God of Bug-Eyed Rat-Dogs as he didst appear before them as a big ugly Olmec head. ‘This canst not be! I must fixeth this!’

And he didst turn Richard into Scoot the Ko’An.

And it came to pass that another big ugly Olmec head didst appear, along with the stranger.

And the stranger didst cry out in frustration when he saw that Scoot was still alive.

And so Derrick didst take the stranger back with him.

‘Whew, that was close,’ spake the God of the Twelve Tribes. ‘Richard, if anyone doth ask thee, ’twas Scoot the Ko’An who didst defeat Yari, for we all know he would have if we the Gods of Hondo had remembered to change him back to his original form. Dost thou promise us?’

And Richard didst promise the Gods of Hondo that he wouldst not reveal the truth about that which had come to pass that day, and as the Gods of Hondo knew him to be a man of honor, they didst transform him back to his original shape.

And then the God of Amusing Anecdotes didst turn Scoot back to his old self as well.

And there was much rejoicing.

‘Feel free to run with us anytime,’ quoth Scoot, ‘for thou hast what it taketh to be a Dude. Thy help is welcome any time.’

‘Perhaps I shall,’ quoth Richard, ‘but for now I shall continue my life of solitary training and meditation. Some day I join thee, Scoot the Ko’An, for I see that thou hast what it taketh to be a true hero, wouldst that thou were a little taller…’

And it came to pass that Richard didst go forth on his way, walking silently down the road of life.

NEXT TIME: The Vorlon God Boojie...
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neko-sennin

02-28-2006, 10:44 AM

CHAPTER 10
And it came to pass that the Dudes were not abusing the sacred words of “Ni!” “Ping!” or “Neewang!”, and were not shouting them at helpless old ladies, when the God of the British appeared before them as a colossal green planet, and its gravity was so immense that it didst suck up their pants.

And the God of Eggnog-Flavored Crack said unto them: ‘A terrible evil force hath landed near here. The stranger hath challenged thee to defeat it. So go forth and buy thyselves pants. Then go forth and defeat this powerful evil force.’

And the God of Refreshing Turnip Juice didst vanish from their midst.

But the Dudes were too close to the place where the evil force had landed, and so they didst go forth without pants to do battle with it.

And the Dudes didst find an alien spaceship over the next rise, and there emerged a big, fat slime creature from outer space wearing a bucket on his head from therein.

Quoth the alien: ‘I am the Vorlon God Boojee! I am come to destroy this puny planet!’

‘The What God… Who?’ quoth Nori.

‘I am the Great Othwog’s older brother!’ quoth Boojee.

‘Who the hell is the Great Othwog?’ quoth Scoot.

And the Dudes didst shrug their shoulders.

‘I shall avenge my brother!’ cried Boojee. ‘I shall reduce this planet to dust! I am the great God Boojee!’

‘Thy conformity doth explain nothing,’ quoth Scoot.

‘Yeah, fuck-face!’ quoth Nori. ‘On this planet we have something called the Gods of Hondo, and they have bet a total stranger that we canst kick thy sorry ass back to whatever planet thou hast come from!’

‘Ha!’ laughed Boojee. ‘Thou hast no pants! Thou’rt no match for me!’

‘Dost thou not meaneth that we have no chance?’ quoth Yoco.

‘No, dumbass, he sayeth pants,’ quoth Nori. ‘Dost thou not remember that thou’rt fighting him in thy fuckin’ Fruit of the Looms?’

‘So before thou doth begin thy pathetic struggle to survive,’ quoth the evil Vorlon deity, ‘tell me, who doth want to be the first to taste the wrath of Boojee?’

‘Yea, tho I have no pants,’ quoth Scoot, ‘I shall find a way to defeat thee!’

And the Dudes didst attack the Vorlon God Boojee with all their might, but ’twas of no avail against the evil alien.

And it came to pass that in the midst of their battle, a sleek and deadly-looking spaceship landed near them.

And a sleek and deadly-looking figure didst emerge from the ship, and she said unto the Dudes: ‘Couldst thou use a little help?’

‘Astro Bitch!?’ cried Boojee. ‘But how didst thou findeth me?’

‘Thou leaveth a slime trail a light-year wide across the galaxy,’ quoth she. ‘Now I shall collect the bounty on thee, thou lard-ass sack of shit!’

ZAP!

And she didst blast Boojee’s ship into space dust.

‘Now there is a fighter after mine own heart,’ quoth Nori. ‘Fuck him up, Astro Bitch!’

‘No, not the ship!’ cried Boojee. ‘My father shalt excrete a brick!’

‘Quickly!’ quoth Astro Bitch. ‘Ye must destroy the bucket! As long as he hath it, he is invincible!’

BIFF!

POW!

And Scoot didst knock the bucket off of Boojee’s head.

‘Thou insignificant fool!’ cried Boojee. ‘All that thou hast done to me, I shall do unto thee one hundred fold!’

‘Yo! Fungus-Farm!’ quoth Astro Bitch. ‘Get thy fat ass over here!’

PLOOMF!

BLAH!

THOK!

And Astro Bitch didst hold Boojee at bay whilst Scoot didst draw the HellRazor and maketh his next attack.

ZIPPE!

BLURG!

SKA-POW!

‘Swok! I am slain!’ cried Boojee as he fell to the ground with a mighty thump. ‘This can’t be… They had no… pants…’

And such was the end of the Vorlon God Boojee.

And there was much rejoicing.

And as Astro Bitch didst take off in her ship to collect her bounty, for she had managed to fit 51% of the corpse on board, she proclaimed: ‘Rock thee on, Dudes! Thou putteth up one hell of a fight! Merry fuckin’ Christmas to all, and to all a good night!’

But the Dudes were still without pants, and it came to pass that Scoot was pursued by Evil-Cam, which didst hunt him through forest and field.

NEXT TIME: The Rug That Really Tieth the Room Together...
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neko-sennin

03-01-2006, 10:46 AM

CHAPTER 11
And it came to pass that after the Dudes didst help Scoot out of the tree which Evil-Cam had chased him up, they didst set out to find pants, and the Gods of Hondo appeared before them as cat-hair-encrusted hats, and the God of Evil said unto them: ‘Hail Dudes! Thou’rt to be commended for thy victory against the Vorlon God Boojee!’

‘Even if ’twas with a little help from Astro Bitch,’ spake the God of Fighting Foo.

‘But the important part is that it was one of the Dudes who didst deliver the fatal blow,’ spake the God of Odnoh. ‘Now the stranger hath asked thee to steal Socrates’ Rug That Doth Really Tie the Room Together.

‘This ancient relic, which is believed to have belonged to the first radical of the Ancient World, is now kept at the retirement home on Mount Olympus, where most of the Ancient Gods didst settle into after they retired. It is said that this Rug hath the power to tie any room together. Rumor hath it that the Rug now adorneth the recreation hall, which is the Valhalla Room. Thou must spirit it away whilst the Ancient Gods art not looking.’

‘Stealing stuff from a retirement home…’ quoth Nori, ‘this shouldst be easier than tipping cows and shoving ears of corn up their asses!’

And the Gods of Hondo didst transport the Dudes to Mount Olympus Godly Retirement Resort.

‘Mount Olympus…’ quoth Scoot, ‘Somehow, it didst always look more impressive in the brochures…’

‘I think thou meaneth mythology books,’ quoth Oreamnos Americanus.

‘Whatever,’ quoth Casey. ‘Man, this place doth look like a dump.’

‘It hath indeed seen better days,’ quoth Jennifer.

And so they didst enter unto the main hall of Retirement Home of the Gods, and there they didst meet the swiftest messenger of the entire Ancient World, Hermes. But the once formidable runner had since hung up his wingèd shoes, and over the centuries the fastest of the Ancient Gods had become the fattest.

‘I welcome thee to Mount Olympus, the Retirement Home of the Gods!’ proclaimed the stout deity. ‘I see thou hast no pants. Thou’rt a strange bunch.’

And the God who couldst now be mistaken for Buddha didst call upon the nurses to provideth the Dudes with new togas, and it came to pass that the Dudes went Greek.

And the Dudes didst wander around the retirement home to find that whilst most of the Ancient Gods didst just sit around and watcheth TV, Zeus didst spend most of his time chasing nurses around as if he was still in his office (which had been turned into a storage closet) on Mount Olympus.

And the Dudes didst search the Retirement Home for many days, and they didst even find the Average Man, for whom all things (chairs, clothes, coffee mugs, etc) art supposed to be the “normal” fit, and they didst discover that these things didst not even fit him.

After a while, the Dudes didst find a room wherein a group of Ancient Gods had gathered. There they didst find a strange gathering, indeed.

For when Bragi was an old man, lying on his deathbed (for an old god doth never die, he just fadeth away), he wouldst have to find some young soul to continueth his tale with no end.

And it came to pass that Bragi asked of Scoot, ‘Wouldst thou continue my tale with no end when I passeth away?’

‘But of course,’ quoth Scoot, and the Dudes didst start looking around for some duct tape.

‘As a boon for accepting my last request, Scoot the Ko’An,’ spake Bragi, for he had grown senile in his old age, ‘I shall grant thee any one request that is within my power.’

‘Wouldst thou tell us where they keepeth Socrates’ Rug That Doth Really Tie the Room Together?’ quoth Scoot.

‘That wouldst be in the Valhalla room,’ spake Bragi, and the Dudes didst stare at him blankly. ‘Down the hall and to thy left.’

‘Now why didn’t we thinketh of that?’ quoth Casey.

‘Don’t get me started on that,’ quoth Nori.

And so the Dudes didst go down the hall and to their left, and they didst find the Valhalla Room.

But they didst discover that the Ancient Gods didst call upon a being from another dimension to guardeth the Rug, and it was guarded by the ten-foot-tall, grey-skinned giant whose name was Luigi.

‘Der… who goeth there?’ quoth the grey giant, whose booming voice didst echo all through the halls.

‘We art the Dudes,’ quoth Scoot. ‘We art come hither to see Socrates’ Rug That Doth Really Tie the Room Together.’

‘Da one-eyed God didst tolded Luigi not to alloweth any outsiders into da Valhalla Room,’ quoth the mighty giant.

‘Verily I say, this guy is dumber than a box of shitfaced, crazed weasels,’ quoth Nori, ‘but he is stronger than all of thee put together.’

‘Aye,’ quoth Scoot, ‘I shall have to outsmart him.’

And he said unto Luigi: ‘Luigi, how wouldst thou liketh to play a little game?’

‘Luigi liketh games,’ quoth Luigi.

‘Very well,’ quoth Scoot. ‘Let us play Hide and Seek. Thou shalt be it. Since thou’rt so big and strong, we shall ask thee to counteth to one million, then shalt thou come hither to find us.’

‘O boy!’ cried the gentle giant, for the retired Ancient Gods didst never let him have any fun. ‘One…. Two… uh… three… four…’

‘This couldst taketh a while…’ quoth Nori.

‘Didst he not miss eight?’ quoth Casey.

And so Luigi didst begin counting to one million, and the Dudes didst go unto the Valhalla Room and didst steal Socrates’ Rug That Doth Really Tie the Room Together, and they didst spirit it away from the Ancient Gods without their knowing.

‘Wow! This really wouldst goeth in any room!’ cried Oreamnos Americanus, for the Rug really didst tie any room together.

And the God of the Milk of the Flock appeared before them as disembodied headlights, and said unto them: ‘Hail, Dudes! Thou hast completed yet another labor, yada, yada now the stranger hath a new challenge for thee. Thou art to go unto a certain Burger Joint and out-disgust their very rude and unsanitary Management. Now go forth and showeth that stranger what thou’rt made of!’

And so the Dudes didst set out to find the Burger Joint.

NEXT TIME: New Jersey!?...
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neko-sennin

03-03-2006, 10:52 AM

CHAPTER 12
But the Dudes knew that the Burger Joint was in another time zone.

‘So how the fuck art we to get there?’ quoth Orty. ‘The place we seeketh is in New Jersey.’

‘New Jersey!’ cried the Dudes in horror.

‘That doth suck the rigid cock of Satan!’ cried Nori. (props Stephen King)

‘But Satan hath not a cock, remember?’ quoth RJ.

‘Ah, ’twill be no problem getting there,’ quoth Scoot, ‘for in my many travels, I have uncovered a secret known only to a few. Allow me to show thee Project M.’

‘Project M?’ quoth the Dudes in unison.

‘Aye,’ quoth Scoot, and he didst take the Dudes unto a great green warp pipe hidden away from the road. (props Nintendo Power)

‘Dude!’ quoth Oreamnos Americanus, ‘this is pretty fucked-up right here!’

‘For ’twas developed by the Shabernack Institute,’ quoth Scoot, ‘and with it we shall be able to reacheth our destination in no time. Trust me, ’tis much faster than the Scoot Mobile.’

‘No comment,’ quoth Nori.

And so the Dudes didst jump into the warp pipe and didst end up in New Jersey.

For in New Jersey, there was a certain Burger Joint. And after years of putting up with asshole customers, the Management of this Burger Joint didst become so rude and disgusting that no one wouldst eat there anymore.

And the God of All Things Found Under Couch Cushions said unto the God of Clerks: ‘Matt, shouldst we help them this time?’

‘Aye,’ spake the God of Clerks, ‘for they shalt need all the help they canst get. What say’st thou, Count Chocula™?’

And Count Chocula™ was silent.

‘We shall take that as a yes,’ spake Matt.

And so the Gods of Hondo set out to help the Dudes in their labor.

And so the Dudes came unto the Burger Joint, and the Town Crier cried, ‘Hear ye! Hear ye! Someone new doth come to challenge the Management of the Burger Joint!’

And the Dudes didst enter the Burger Joint, and Casey and Oreamnos Americanus didst order a shitload of stuff and didst chow down.

And Dirty Uncle Orty didst begin to shove various objects up his nose, for he couldst not allow the disgusting crew there to upstageth him.

And it came to pass that the Gods of Hondo came unto the Burger Joint disguised as pimps, and Derrick said unto Scoot: ‘ ’Tis we, the Gods of Hondo! We are come hither as pimps to help thee.’

‘Okay…’ quoth Scoot, and so he didst quantemplate, and when he didst come up with a plan, he didst explain it to the Gods of Hondo.

And it came to pass that a bunch of hookers wearing bunny suits didst enter the Burger Joint, and still the Management didst continue to be rude and disgusting.

And Dirty Uncle Orty didst begin to removeth the objects from his nose, and still he couldst not phaseth them.

And it came to pass that as the Dudes didst continue to try to do increasingly more disgusting things in the eyes of the Management, and their workers were able to do equally disgusting things in the kitchen, that still more hookers wearing bunny suits didst enter the Burger Joint.

So the Management didst begin to be afraid, very afraid, as it came to pass that the store was filling up with hookers in strange garb.

But then Oreamnos Americanus and Casey didst finish eating the last of the food in the Burger Joint, and the Management became even more afraid and disgusted, yet they still held fast against the Dudes.

At last there were no more hookers left wearing bunny suits, so instead there came forth hookers in Wookiee, gorilla, Bat Man, and Santa costumes.

‘Belgium!’ cried Nori, for she was so disgusted, she couldst not thinketh up any stronger word.

And as they didst take up the last of the space, and Oreamnos Americanus and Casey had eaten the last of their food, and Dirty Uncle Orty had proven that he couldst stick more things up his nose than anyone thought humanly possible, that the Management couldst stand no more, and they didst give up.

And the Pimp of Hondo said unto the Dudes: ‘Thou hast done it again! Only two more labors remaineth. The stranger hath not thought up thy next labor yet, so thou shalt do that wandering thing again. Have thee a nice day.’

And the Pimps of Hondo didst vanish from their midst.

And the God of Nipples didst reappear and taketh his ho’s with him.

NEXT TIME: Mr C*ns*rsh*p...
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neko-sennin

03-04-2006, 03:00 PM

CHAPTER 13
And it came to pass that as the Dudes were wandering, as the Gods of Hondo had commanded them, that whilst trying to duct tape a cow to a tree branch, RJ and Booby didst lose their grip, causing it to fall and land on Nori’s foot.

‘Ow! Son of a biscuit-eater!’ cried she.

And the Dudes didst look at Nori very strangely.

‘Didst I really say that?’ quoth Nori the Cursing Faerie sheepishly, for she was as confusticated as the Dudes. ‘What the fudge is going on here?’

And she didst put her hand over her mouth, horrified that she might sayeth something else really lame sounding.

‘Ha-ha!’ quoth Yoco, as he didst laugh at her. ‘Thou canst not curse anymore and I still canst! See! Damn! Shit! F***! …huh!?’

‘What the heck is going on around here?’ quoth Scoot, for he too had noticed that something was horribly amiss.

And all the Dudes didst try to curse, but all that came forth from their mouths were a bunch of weak-sounding Turner Redneck Movie substitutes for that which they really meant to sayeth.

‘Of all the stupid, #$*%in’ $#*%!’ cried Nori. ‘#*#%%$#*&@&$#*%****#$ %#$***#!!!! And ye better believe it!’

And she didst try to giveth the heavens the finger, only to discovereth that her hand didst pixelize.

‘Verily I say, someone is putting words in our mouths,’ quoth Brian Fritz Skanky-moo!.

And it came to pass that the God of S***, no, I mean S***** (for it seemed that not even the Gods themselves were able to curse now) appeared before the Dudes as the Mexican Goat-Sucker of Sri Lanka, and said unto them: ‘Hail, Dudes! A terrible new evil hath emerged and he calleth himself Mr Censorship. He hath stolen a V-Chip for Reality, which Dr Färtnøkker hath invented, and the stranger hath challenged thee to destroy it.

‘Thou must defeateth Mr Censorship, or else we art all doomed to put up with this boinked-up reality. Darnit!’

And the God of Darnit appeared before them as an inanimate carbon rod and said unto them: ‘Please hurry thee up, Dudes. Kicketh Mr Censorship’s butt for us! This is really irking me off!’

And the Gods of Hondo vanished from their midst, and the Dudes didst set out to defeat Mr Censorship and to destroyeth his Reality V-Chip.

‘Wait thee up!’ cried Brian Fritz Skanky-Moo!. ‘I have to go push.’

‘What?’ quoth Nori.

‘I wouldst say I have to go take a flatulent noise,’ quoth he, ‘but no one wouldst understand me.’

‘Trust me, their censorship doth not change a boink!ing thing,’ quoth Scoot. ‘Anyone who hath gone to public schools, hath parents, or doth not bow to the self-righteous whims of Teddy Turner, or that moo! Jane Fonda, wilt know what thou sayeth.’

‘Heck yeah!’ cried Nori. ‘For that squawk! is really irking me off! I canst not sayeth a darn thing right! The loss of one’s middle finger canst greatly hinder one’s ability to communicateth, and he shall boink!ing pay for this!’

And do the Dudes didst go forth to find Mr Censorship. And they didst quickly discover that the closer they got to the V-Chip, the more heavily censored Reality became.

And it came to pass that the Dudes didst find Mr Censorship’s secret laboratory, and didst enter therein.

And the Dudes came unto the heart of Mr Censorship’s hideout, a vast, dark chamber.

And there Mr Censorship didst appear before them as a colossal Soccer Mom, and said unto them: ‘I am the great and powerful Mr Censorship! Ye who opposeth me shalt be crushed like little bugs!’

‘Kisseth my shiny metal butt!’ cried RJ as he didst moon for a rebuttal with the Hyper-X Buttplate, and all the Dudes didst moon the Soccer Mom, but their butts didst all pixelize.

And so RJ didst blow the Great and terrible Soccer Mom away.

And in its place there appeared the ghost of Cotton Mather.

‘Thou hast stunted my vocabulary!’ cried Nori, and she didst throw her Faerie pixie dust at the apparition, and it didst turn into a book, a bell and a candle.

And these things didst turn into Chuck Norris.

‘Ha!’ quoth Mr Censorship, ‘now I have taken on my final and ultimate form! Thou’rt no match for me!’

And Scoot didst power up and attack, but Mr Censorship didst have the power of Chuck Norris, whose scriptwriters never alloweth him to lose, and he didst beat Scoot severely.

‘Boink! thee!’ quoth Scoot, for he had discovered that though he was being beaten, there was no blood or pain in Mr Censorship’s new reality. ‘All thy cheesy, Chuck Norris-style violence is useless! Let’s go, Dudes! Together, we canst overcome this washed-up action hero!’

And it came to pass that Scoot was wrong. For though Chuck Norris was past his prime, those who didst write the script were still on his side, and even all the Dudes put together were no match for him in their free-for-all brawl.

‘Yo! Hey dumbhee-haw!s! Over here!’ cried Nori, for she had seen a curtain on the far side of the chamber, and there was a man behind it.

‘Pay thee no attention to the man behind the curtain!’ quoth Mr Censorship. ‘Thy battle is with me!’

But Nori didst remove the curtain and didst reveal the real Mr Censorship to be a scrawny little computer geek.

‘Well, if it isn’t Mr Fancy-Pants!’ quoth Scoot, and he didst fire an energy bolt at the computer behind the curtain, and the apparition of Chuck Norris didst pixelize out of existence.

‘That’s unconstitutional!’ cried Mr Censorship.

‘Thou’rt unconstitutional!’ quoth Scoot, and with one final blow from the HeckRazor didst the Butt-Kickin’ Apostle restoreth Reality to its normal state.

‘Sound test!’ cried Yoco.

‘Damn! Shit! Fuck! Bitch! Whore! Pussy! Ass! Cunt! Gun! Pot! Bastard! Tits! Dick!’ cried Nori, and she didst give the world the finger, and it didst not pixelize. And so she finished triumphantly, saying, ‘Belgium!’

And it came to pass that Oreamnos Americanus’ ears didst bleed.

‘Freedom!’ cried Scoot ‘Freedom! Yeah right!’

And so the Dudes went forth and had a great Riverdance to celebrate their fuckin’ awesome victory against Mr Censorship, and they didst moon and flippeth off everyone they met, so zealous were they about their restored freedom to live in an uncensored Reality.

NEXT TIME: The Final Labor...
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neko-sennin

03-09-2006, 10:53 AM

CHAPTER 14
And it came to pass that as the Dudes were running around making obscene gestures at people, and the grateful people were making equally obscene gestures at them, that the Gods of Hondo appeared before them as a two-headed Plumed Serpent, and said unto them: ‘Hail Dudes! And a big fuckin’ Hell Yeah! For thou hast saved all or Reality from a fate worse than the Rosy O’Donnell Show.

‘The stranger hath been waiting to show thee thy final and most difficult labor. This one shall challenge thee in ways which art utterly mind-boggling.’

And the Gods of Hondo didst transport the Dudes to a room. For there were no doors or windows in the room, nor any other means by which it couldst be exited.

‘Thou must findeth a way to exit this room,’ spake the God of Hamster Cock. ‘Thou hast one hour to solve the stranger’s riddle.’

‘Or else…’ spake the God of Nipples.

And so the Gods of Hondo didst vanish from their midst, and the Dudes were left alone to solve the puzzle, for all that was in the room was a mirror and a table.

‘This is simple,’ quoth RJ, and he didst use the Hyper-X Buttplate against the walls.

But ’twas no use, as the walls, floor, and even the ceiling were too thick to blast.

‘How shall we do this?’ quoth Scoot, and he didst quantemplate.

But even Nori couldst not think of a way out of the stranger’s room.

And it came to pass that the Dudes didst become desperate as time was running out.

‘There is no way we canst do this,’ quoth Oreamnos Americanus.

‘Wait a minute!’ quoth Casey in a stroke of brilliance. ‘I knoweth this one!’

‘ ’Tis nice to know thou knoweth something,’ quoth Nori.

And the Dudes didst laugh at him.

And Casey didst look in the mirror to see what he saw. He didst use the saw to cutteth the table in half. Two halves maketh a whole, and he didst crawl out the hole. And the Dudes didst follow after him.

‘Well, that was rather anti-climactic,’ quoth Nori.

And there was much rejoicing.

‘Yes!’ cried Scoot. ‘We have won the bet and beaten all of the stranger’s challenges! Now we canst all go home!’

And so the Dudes didst all go home to await the return of the Gods of Hondo, and any tidings of their bet with the stranger.

NEXT TIME: The Final Labor...
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neko-sennin

03-11-2006, 12:05 AM

CHAPTER 15
Scootly Ko’An Manor…

And it came to pass that the phone didst ring, and Scoot the Ko’An didst stagger out into the alley to answer it.

‘Ahoy-hoy?’ quoth he.

‘Zooty, zoot, zoot!’ quoth Brian Fritz Skanky-Bitch. ‘ ’Tis I, Brian Fritz Pud Yoco Peppy McBean Oreamnos Americanus Skanky-Bitch! Thou dost have thy pants on, dost thou not? Good, because the stranger is back.’

‘What the fuck doth he want?’ quoth Nori.

‘He is come hither to fulfill his part in the bet,’ quoth the Brian.

‘So at last we may knoweth the Question…’

And so Scoot didst hang up on Oreamnos Americanus and didst gather together the Dudes that they might find out what it was they didst go through all this trouble for.

And the stranger came unto Asgard, where he didst grudgingly whisper the Question into Matt’s ear.

But as the God of the Land of Competition didst hear the Question, his brain didst freeze up, for understanding the Universe wouldst cause it to collapse on itself and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.

And the stranger didst reveal himself to be none other than The Man, and he didst depart, laughing wildly at how easily he had deceived the Gods of Hondo.

‘Now what the fuck shalt we do?’ cried Nori.

And a dark hour didst come upon the remaining Gods of Hondo, and those who dwelt in Asgard were greatly troubled.

NEXT TIME: The Book of Kaméhaméha...
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neko-sennin

03-12-2006, 04:12 AM

neko-sennin

03-14-2006, 11:26 AM

CHAPTER 2
And it came to pass that as the Dudes were passing gas in South City, that the Angel of Death came unto the city and didst enter the Monolith Corporation’s home office building.

And Death didst enter the waiting room, for a room reserved for waiting doth not serve much purpose.

And Death didst go unto the office door of Will Bates, CEO of the Monolith Corporation, but the secretary didst stop him, and she said unto him, ‘Dost thou have an appointment with Mr Bates?’

‘I am Death…’ spake Death.

‘I care not who thou art,’ quoth the secretary. ‘Dost thou have an appointment or not?’

‘No…’ spake Death ominously.

‘If thou hast not an appointment, thou shalt not enter,’ quoth she, ‘for only those who hath an appointment may see him.’

‘I am the Grim Reaper,’ spake Death. ‘Everyone hath an appointment with me… sooner or later.’

And so in true secretarial fashion, she didst look through her little book, and said unto him: ‘I’m sorry. Mr Bates hath an appointment with a Mr L Zebub, but not a Mr Raper.’

‘Reaper, thou fool!’ cried he, ‘for all mortals must feel my icy touch! I shall take Mr Bates with or without thy consent, foolish woman!’

‘This is sexual harassment, and I don’t have to take it,’ quoth the secretary. ‘Now be gone! Do not make me call Security. If I ever see thee again, ’twill be for the last time!’

‘But… that’s the… point… oh, I give up!’

And so Death didst storm out past the skeletons of those still waiting for their appointment with Mr Bates, and he was greatly frustrated.

‘O, the humiliation! That a mere secretary couldst keep Death at bay…’ muttered he. ‘I must be getting old or something…’

And the Dudes went forth to seek the Guru who didst live on Cold Mountain, and they didst pass by the Monolith Corporation headquarters as Death didst depart.

And Yoco didst mock the Grim Reaper, saying unto him: ‘Ha! Thou doth not scare me! O grave, where is thy victory? O death, where is thy sting?’

‘That doth it!’ cried Death, for he had been having a really shitty day.

‘Oohhh, I quaketh in my fuzzy bunny slippers,’ quoth Yoco, for the Gods of Hondo had made him immortal. ‘What art thou going to do, huh? I fear thou hast lost thy touch.’

‘I’ll show thee touch!’ cried he, ‘Thou shalt feel my icy grip grasping thy beating, throbbing—’

‘Eewww!’ cried Nori. ‘Thou fucking pervert!’

‘Gross!’ cried Scoot.

‘Heart! I was going to say heart!’

And Death didst touch Yoco, and Yoco didst die. And such was the death of Brian Fritz Skanky-Bitch.

‘Cool!’ cried the Dudes in unison.

‘Meh…’ quoth Nori.

‘But… but… but…’ quoth Casey, ‘ ’twas cool…’

‘I said Meh,’ quoth Nori. ‘m-e-h.’

‘Couldst useth more ’splosions,’ quoth Scoot.

‘Thanks for the critique, O Scootly One. For that I shall postpone our appointment next week,’ spake Death.

And the Dudes didst pass on their way.

NEXT TIME: Sheep Goeth to Heaven, Goats Goeth to Hell...
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neko-sennin

03-15-2006, 10:22 AM

CHAPTER 3
And it came to pass that the Sacrificial Goat didst materialize in front of an old-ish looking grave. And on the grave was an inscription.

And these were the words of the inscription on the oldish-looking grave: ‘Here lies the Sacrificial Goat Formerly Known as Hans, also known as Brian Fritz Pud Yoco Peppy McBean Oreamnos Americanus Something Skanky-Bitch.’

‘What the hell is this?’ demanded Something, ‘And why the fuck hath I a splitting headache?’

‘Thou art dead…’ responded an ominous voice.

‘But that canst not be,’ quoth Something, ‘for the Gods of Hondo have made me immortal. And why dost thou soundeth so much like my mother?’

‘Dammit!’ spake the voice.

And Something’s surroundings didst fade away, and were replaced with the Pearly Gates.

‘And now…’ spake the voice of a disembodied announcer, ‘here is thy host… a cheap substitute for common sense… Saint Peter!’

‘Knoweth everyone what time it is?…’ quoth Saint Peter.

‘Aye!!’ cried the crowd of angels and demons in the audience.

‘ ’Tis time to play…’

‘Sheep Goeth to Heaven, Goats Goeth to Hell!’ cried they.

‘I liketh not the sound of this…’ quoth the Sacrificial Goat.

‘And now, introducing today’s contestants,’ quoth Saint Peter. ‘Here today is the Sacrificial Goat of Hondo, Brian Fritz Pud Yoco Peppy McBean Oreamnos Americanus Something Skanky-Bitch… Continuing her quest for money in her intimidation lawsuit against the Grim Reaper, a secretary from the firm of the Monolith Corporation… and the returning champion, having died an unbelievable 840 times, Dolly the Sheep!

‘Now let us begin,’ quoth St Peter, and he didst read a card: ‘Miss Secretary, for ten points, canst thou tell us how many Commandments art voided by the Thirty-Second Commandment?’

‘How the hell shouldst I know?’ demanded she. ‘That creepy Mr Raper didst storm out of mine office, and I was so scared, I didst not return to work. But I couldst not find anyone who wouldst do anything about it. They all sayeth I was crazy for saying that Death was out to get me… then here I am…’

‘Sorry, wrong answer,’ quoth St Peter. ‘For fifteen points, canst thou telleth me how many Commandments art voided by the Thirty-Second Commandment?’

And Dolly didst ring her buzzer.

‘Dolly?’ quoth St Peter.

‘Baaa-eeeee-a…’ quoth she.

‘Sorry! Wrong!’ quoth St Peter. ‘I guess the clones hath gone bad again. Something, for twenty points, canst thou telleth me how many Commandments art voided by the Thirty-Second Commandement?’

‘Two,’ quoth Something.

‘Excellent!’ quoth St Peter. ‘Alrighty, then, for twenty points: In the line of Dirty Uncle Orty, the Reverend Jimmy was the son of this man.’

And Dolly didst ring her buzzer.

‘Dolly?’ quoth St Peter.

‘Baaa-eeeee-a…’ quoth she.

‘I’m sorry, thine answer must be in the form of a question!’ quoth St Peter as turned unto the secretary. ‘For twenty points: In the line of Dirty Uncle Orty, the Reverend Jimmy was the son of this man.’

And the secretary didst ring her buzzer.

‘Miss Secretary?’ quoth St Peter.

‘Who is running this show?’ demanded she.

‘Nope!’ quoth St Peter.

And a buzzer didst sound.

‘Uh-oh!’ quoth St Peter. ‘Knowest thou what time it is? ’Tis time for the One-Hundred Meter Anal Probe!’

And it came to pass that the Probe-O-Matic didst take the secretary away.

‘Is this really part of getting into heaven?’ quoth she.

‘Yes, actually,’ quoth St Peter. ‘Yea, tho many think ’twas added by the Gods of Hondo, the Probe-O-Matic was actually designed as a form of hazing for those weak-minded fools who didst actually get into Heaven by doing all of the stuff in the Bible. Enjoy thy trip, Miss Secretary!

‘Now, that doth leave it down to thee, Something and Dolly. Something, for twenty points: In the line of Dirty Uncle Orty, the Reverend Jimmy was the son of this man.’

‘Who is Samaria?’ quoth Something.

‘Correct!’ quoth St Peter. And this time he didst spin the wheel to decide what the question wouldst be. ‘Now, for thirty points, canst thou tell me which of the following didst not happen to the people at the end of the Pointless Tale of Pippin the Bastard:

‘a) the entire football team had fishes stuck up their asses?

‘b) the whole town was trippin’ out?

‘c) the road to Kungfucius’ didst implode after a bizarre confrontation with Naginata the Polite Assassin?

‘Or d) that Pippin’s bastard son didst travel back in time and destroy the Great Othwog once and for all after the explosive, fiery death of N Sync and Britney Spears?’

And Dolly didst ring her buzzer.

‘Dolly?’ quoth St Peter.

‘Baaa-eeeee-a…’ quoth she.

‘That is incorrect,’ quoth St Peter. ‘Something, now for thirty points, canst thou tell me which of the following didst not happen to the people at the end of the Pointless Tale of Pippin the Bastard:

‘a) the entire football team had fishes stuck up their asses?

‘b) the whole town was trippin’ out?

‘c) the road to Kungfucius’ didst implode after a bizarre confrontation with Naginata the Polite Assassin?

‘Or d) that Pippin’s bastard son didst travel back in time and destroy the Great Othwog once and for all after the explosive, fiery death of N Sync and Britney Spears?’

‘I wouldst have to say C,’ quoth Something.

‘Correct, Something!’ quoth St Peter. ‘Dolly, thou hast one last chance to defeat Something. For sixty points, answer me this: For the Sixth Labor of the Dudes, what didst Scoot the Ko’An have to do?’

And Dolly didst ring her buzzer.

‘Dolly?’ quoth St Peter.

‘Baaa-eeeee-a…’ quoth she.

‘Ooh, wrong again!’ quoth St Peter. ‘Something, for the Sixth Labor of the Dudes, what didst Scoot the Ko’An have to do?’

‘He didst have to cleaneth the Radioactive Catbox from Hell,’ quoth Something.

‘Correct!’ quoth St Peter. ‘Dolly, thou hast another chance to get back in the game. For one hundred and fifty points, canst thou tell me the name of the “Politically Correct” Faerie that didst run with the Dudes?’

And Dolly didst ring her buzzer.

‘Dolly?’ quoth St Peter.

‘Baaa-eeeee-a…’ quoth she.

‘Is this like unto the John Wayne Strategy?’ quoth St Peter, ‘for “John Wayne” may well be the answer to one of these questions, but whatever it is thou art saying is not.

‘Now, Something, for one hundred and fifty points, canst thou tell me the name of the “Politically Correct” Faerie that didst run with the Dudes?’

And Something didst think about it for a long moment, then said unto him: ‘I shall useth my life-line…’

neko-sennin

03-15-2006, 10:30 AM

‘...Very well,’ quoth St Peter, ‘who shalt thou call?’

‘Scoot the Ko’An,’ quoth he.

And so St Peter didst call.

‘Ahoy-hoy!’ quoth Scoot.

‘Zooty, zoot, zoot!’ quoth Something, ‘ ’Tis I, Something! Thou art my lifeline, and I have a real poser of a question for thee…’

‘Yoco! I told thee not to call me on this line!’ quoth Scoot, for he was speaking on a cell phone. ‘Canst thou not see that I am busy doing battle with the Super Squirrel!’

‘No,’ quoth Something.

‘Fuck off,’ quoth Scoot. ‘He hath been training for his rematch in the Hypersquirrelic Time Chamber, and he hath become a Level Two Super Squirrel. Damn! If not for my training with Kungfucius, I wouldst be no match for him— Ow! Fuckin’ Super Squirrel! Here, Nori, catch!’

And Something didst hear in the background:

‘Stomp! And shake that ghetto boot— Ow! Scoot! Thou ass-ramming uncle-fucker!’ cried Nori. ‘And who the bloody hell is this?’

‘ ’Tis I, Something, Nori,’ quoth he, ‘and I think thou’rt the best person to answer my question. What was the name of that Faerie friend of yours, the Politically Correct one?’

‘Is that all?’ quoth Nori. ‘I got smacked over the head with the fuckin’ phone for this? Her name was Fuct, dumbass!’

And Nori didst hang up.

‘Her name was Fuct the Politically Correct Faerie,’ quoth Something, and he didst now feel like a dumbass for not remembering something so simple.

‘Is that thy Final Answer?’ quoth St Peter.

‘Ummmmmmmmm… yes,’ quoth Something.

‘And thou art… correct! Which meaneth thou hast won, Mr Skanky-Bitch!’

‘Well I’ll be damned,’ quoth he.

‘Yes thou art,’ quoth St Peter. ‘And our viewing audience shalt tell thee why…’

‘Sheep Goeth to Heaven, Goats Goeth to Hell!’ cried they.

And St Peter didst pull a lever and it came to pass that the Sacrificial Goat of Hondo didst fall down an impossibly long shaft and didst land in a pile of frozen ashes.

‘What the hell…’ quoth he.

‘Ye guessed it!’ quoth a demon in a pinstriped suit. ‘Welcome to Odnoh Land! Here thou shalt spent all eternity freezing thy pasty white ass off!’

‘There must be some kind of mistake…’ quoth Something, ‘thou see’eth, I am the Sacrificial Goat of Hondo. I am immortal… How hast this happened to me?…’

‘Pardon me a moment,’ quoth the demon, and he didst turn to another man, asking, ‘what is thy problem?’

‘What the hell happened?’ quoth the man. ‘I didst obey all of the Commandments, even the ones which didst contradict each other…’

‘Let me guess…’ And the demon didst take out his cell phone and spoke for a moment, then said unto him, ‘Thou hast died of asphyxiation and ass-phyxiation, right?’

‘Aye,’ quoth he.

‘ ’Tis simple,’ quoth the demon, ‘for ye see, thou didst accidentally sign thy soul to the devil whilst filling out layaway papers at Wal-Mart.’

And the man was dragged away, kicking and screaming.

‘Ye know, Lucifer didst get a lot of souls with that layaway plan. Buy now, pay later…’ quoth the demon, ‘now as for thee, my friend, there have been a lot of paperwork snafus since the God of Stupidity hath taken over. Since thou doth annoy me, thou shalt spend all thy time in the Box whilst we put thy case in the Big Pile Which Doth Never Get Sorted.’

And so Something was dragged away, kicking and screaming, to the Box. For the Box was the one place where the God of Odnoh allowed the heat to still be running full blast.

And Something was kept therein for a great long time.

NEXT TIME: The Guru On Cold Mountain...
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neko-sennin

03-16-2006, 11:19 AM

CHAPTER 4
And it came to pass that as the Dudes were walking down the road, the God of Orange Juice Drinking appeared before them as a burning bush, and said unto them: ‘Hail, Dudes! ’Tis I, the God of All Things Found Under Couch Cushions!’

And Scoot didst sigh with relief. ‘For a moment I thought Jehovah didst escape his closet.’

‘How cliché!’ quoth Nori. ‘Thou’rt clearly not the fuckin’ God of Originality. Imagineth that, a god appearing to his followers as a burning bush…’

And the Dudes didst mock him.

So it came to pass that Derrick was so embarrassed, he didst vanish from their midst before he couldst embarrass himself further by telling them that the best new name he couldst think of for the Sacrificial Goat of Hondo was Something.

‘I wonder what that was all about…’ quoth Casey.

And after many days of travel, the Dudes didst finally come unto Cold Mountain, and it was enormous.

‘So it is a real place…’ quoth Scoot.

‘Yes, it is a real place,’ quoth Nori, ‘and ’tis really fuckin’ cold!’

And so the Dudes didst climb all the way up Cold Mountain, and there they didst find the great Guru sitting on a rock ledge.

He was levitating whilst he was meditating, and he said unto them, ‘Welcome, Dudes… I sense thou cometh here with an urgent matter…’

‘Aye,’ quoth Scoot, ‘for The Man hath put the God of Zebras in a coma or something by telling him the Question. I thinketh it was more than he couldst handle, or something…’

‘A bad idea it was, telling that to a God of Hondo,’ quoth the great Guru. ‘The Man must be ready to maketh his move. Thou must act quickly to stop him. Go thee to Chinatown. Asketh for the Apothecary; he shall help thee.’

‘Thank ye very much, great Guru,’ quoth Scoot. ‘We shall go at once to find the Apothecary.’

And so the Dudes didst go forth to find Chinatown and seeketh out the Apothecary.

NEXT TIME: The Return of Brian Fritz Skanky-Bitch...
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neko-sennin

03-17-2006, 12:00 PM

CHAPTER 5
And it came to pass that Something didst burn for a week in the Box before the God of Evil didst come down unto Odnoh Land and didst let Something out after exacting a promise that he be his butler for a week.

‘I am supposed to be immortal,’ quoth Something, ‘so how the flying fuck didst I die?’

‘I am very sorry,’ spake the God of Stupidity, ‘I forgot thou art immortal.’

For in Matt’s absence, he had hired administrators, which both the God of Fish Sticks and Count Chocula™ had expressly forbidden, and since then everything hath gone to hell, including… well, Hell.

‘So by forgetting I was immortal, thou couldst allow me to die…’ quoth Something. ‘What else hast thou forgotten lately?’

‘I… don’t know…’ spake the God of Hawai’ian Shirts. ‘This is terribly wrong…’

‘Damn straight!’

‘…And now I shall fix it,’ spake the God of Humor.

And Derrick didst zap Something back one hundred years into past and didst trap him in a huge black stone monolith…

NEXT TIME: Chinatown...
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neko-sennin

03-18-2006, 03:26 PM

CHAPTER 6
…And it came to pass that one hundred years later, the Dudes didst walk past the great black stone monolith as lightning didst strike it, freeing Something.

‘Wow!’ cried Casey, ‘the lightning hath freed something!’

‘So, where the hell hast thou been all this time, Yoco?’ quoth Scoot.

‘Aaahhhhh! Air!’ cried Something as he didst take his first breath in one hundred years. ‘There art times when it doth suck to be immortal…’

‘How in the name of horse-shit didst thou come to be in that fucking stone monolith?’ quoth Nori.

‘Fuck off…’ quoth Something.

‘Lord Derrick is in charge, remember?’ quoth Scoot. ‘At this point, my friend, anything is possible…’

‘Hey, I’m starving!’ quoth Something, for he had not eaten in over a hundred years, and he was hungry enough to eat a horse.

‘Let us stop at the nearest tavern and haveth a bite,’ quoth Scoot.

And so the Dudes didst stop at the nearest tavern and didst eat everything in the place, (mostly a horse), and to celebrate the return of the Brian, Scoot didst lead the Dudes in a great Riverdance, and they didst run up the greatest damage bill ever.

And it came to pass on the road as the Dudes were on their way that a witch didst appear in a cloud of green smoke, for her broomstick had crashed.

‘Help!’ cried she, ‘I’ve fallen and I canst not get up!’

And Scoot didst give her a healing potion, and she said unto them, ‘I have had better… The Apothecary of Chinatown doth make a mean healing potion.’

‘Thou knoweth the Apothecary?’ quoth Scoot.

‘Arroint thee, bitch!’ quoth Nori. ‘After we helped thee, this is how thou talketh to us…’

‘Pay thee no attention to her,’ quoth Scoot, ‘for if thou canst tell us where we may find the Apothecary, we shall be forever in thy debt.’

And so she didst tell them the way unto Chinatown, and the Dudes set out. When they came unto Chinatown, they didst ask around, for the Guru had said unto them: ‘Go thee to Chinatown. Asketh for the Apothecary; he shall help thee.’

And after asking around, the Dudes didst find the Apothecary, and they came unto his mysterious, dimly lit shop.

‘I am Scoot the Ko’An,’ quoth Scoot the Ko’An, ‘and these art the Dudes. We are come to ask thee if there is any way we canst restore the God of All Things 100% Colombian.’

‘The Guru hath told me of thy plight,’ quoth the Apothecary, ‘and I may have a way to help thee.’

‘Wow!’ quoth Casey. ‘The Guru! Through telepathy?’

‘No, he didst e-mail me,’ quoth the Apothecary. ‘Now, in order to restoreth the God of Taser-Taser Kindergarten Nap-Nap Time, thou must tell Lord Derrick to drink of this potion which I have prepared whilst thou wert on thy way. Then he must say the words Incanis Corporæ Transmuto, and kiss the feet of Lord Matt three times. Then shalt he awaken and be restored to his former self.’

‘Thank ye, mystical Apothecary,’ quoth Scoot. ‘We owe thee a debt of eternal gratitude for this favor.’

‘Before thou goest,’ quoth the Apothecary, ‘I have for thee three more gifts…’

And he didst give unto Something a bottle of Ultra Jolt, and said unto him: ‘Take this, but be warned— thou shouldst only drink of it in times of great need.’

And the Apothecary didst give unto Dirty Uncle Orty a funny-looking mask, and said unto him: ‘This is the Mulambo Mask of Muntu. It once belonged to an infamous witch doctor, and it doth possess great power, so thou shouldst choose wisely when to wear it.’

And he said unto Scoot: ‘This is something which the Guru hath forgotten to tell thee… The HellRazor is said to have been forged by Lucifer himself, in his own garage, but the arcane power used to forge it is even older than the Ancient Gods, perhaps even older than the Titans or the Outer Gods.

‘There is a legend of a being, a warrior who wouldst fight with the Might of Old that once shook heaven and earth, and that he wouldst wield a sword whose power was greater than the Power of Steel. Take thee heed of my words, Scoot the Ko’An, for if this power were to fall into the hands of The Man, there is no telling what darkness and horror shall befall our world.’

‘Dost thou know of a way to defeat The Man, and drive this evil from our world?’ quoth Casey.

‘I… do not know…’ quoth the Apothecary. ‘I canst only hope that thou and the Gods of Hondo canst find a way to stoppeth him, for I sense a great and ancient evil is behind this, and I fear that even the HellRazor shalt be no match for it…’

And Adria didst prophesy: ‘There shall come a time when the shit is so deep no one canst walketh away. At the bitmap-sounding tone, Pacifier pacifieth the Ergonomic Count. And he shall sayeth: “Get thee a battle bridge, and we shall throw down out in space!” With pixelized sounds shalt the Voices in the Wall want us out, and it shall look into thine eyes and shall maketh its horrible sound.

‘And nimble fingers that danceth on numbers, who shalt eat thy children and steal thy thunder, shalt be trampled when matadors chaseth the bulls in a china shop. For ’tis the Power of The Man, that ev’ryone shouldst know their place, that barcode retinal scan database clockwork harmony which doth prevail when infinite possibilities die every day, the endless forks blocked and detoured for the same old way. Heed my words, O people, for the time shall come when nobody’s real, and They shall be legion, and a sorry sight for sore eyes and tired feet after such a long, strange trip!

‘For unclean spirits, crying out with loud voice, shall come to pass out of many an ass that were possessed with them, speaking in Tongues, and there was great joy in that city. And it shall come to pass that the city exploded but the gates wouldst not open, and Flanders sayeth: “Thank ye for letting me burieth the hitchhiker in thy flower bed, Mom.” ’

‘Fare thee well, wise Apothecary,’ quoth Scoot, and the Dudes didst depart.

But no sooner didst they leave the place, than they were attacked by a group of disco-dancing martial artists. And they were funky Chinamen, from a funky Chinatown, and the Dudes didst power up to do battle with them, and they were chopping them up and chopping them down.

And it came to pass that the Apothecary didst join in the battle, just to prove that he was not too old for a good fight.

And everybody was Kung Fu Fighting, and the Dudes were fast as lightning, and it came to pass that it was a little bit frightening, but they didst prevail with expert timing.

‘Sayeth the Gods of Hondo,’ quoth Scoot: ‘ “All disco endeth in broken bones”!’

‘Damn straight!’ quoth Nori, for she too had learned a thing or two from her training with Kungfucius.

And the Dudes didst depart from Chinatown, for ’twas way too weird for them, and they didst go forth that they might figure out what the hell to do next.

NEXT TIME: Yaarrr! Pirates Off the Starboard Armrest!...
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neko-sennin

03-20-2006, 05:26 AM

CHAPTER 7
And it came to pass that as the Dudes were remembering the Days of Kaméhaméha, to keepeth them fun, that RJ, the Acting God of Blue Figurines, didst appear before them as Rush Limbaugh, and his ass was on fire and the Bald Fat Republican didst cry out, ‘Hellppp! I have not yet mastered my godly powers!’

And it came to pass that he didst run around screaming for a few minutes before the God of Orange Juice Drinking didst appear before them as a hungry, hungry hippo, and said unto them: ‘What RJ doth mean to sayeth is: conglomerations on a quest well quested. Thou hast learn’d the secret to restoring Matt, and now…’

‘Now…’ quoth Nori, for she had long since grown impatient with Lord Derrick’s ceaseless stupidity.

‘I… don’t know…’ spake the God of Fist-Pounding. ‘We didst put Matt in a floating refrigerator…’

‘And now thou hast no idea whither he may be,’ quoth Scoot. ‘Fear not, Lord Derrick, for we shall find Lord Matt, that thou may’st restore him.’

And the God of Nipples didst vanish from their midst, and the Dudes didst leave Lord RJ running around screaming and went forth unto the West Coast, that they might seek out the floating refrigerator of the God of Plaid.

And it came to pass that on the coast, it didst rain shit for three days and three nights, and the Dudes didst find Scoot’s old hide-a-bed, and they didst build a little fort with it, and it didst prove seaworthy, so they made it their ark.

And so the Dudes didst set out on the high seas on Scoot’s bed, for it didst seem like the thing to do at the time.

And as the Dudes were sailing in their ark, they were attacked by pirates, and they didst fly the flag of the skull and crossbones, and didst attack with gunneries of filing cabinets.

‘They fly the jolly roger of a pirate ship,’ quoth Nori.

‘I am glad thou’rt here to tell us these things,’ quoth Scoot, and the Dudes didst discuss the matter as a committee.

‘Battle stations!’ cried Something from the crow’s nest, ‘for thar be pirates off the starboard armrest!’

‘Arr!’ quoth the Pirate Captain. ‘We have ye outnumbered! We shall raid thy hide-a-bed and all of its profit margins!’

‘Aarrr!’ cried the other pirates, and they didst brandish their ceiling fan blades at the Dudes.

‘Wait a minute!’ quoth Nori. ‘I knoweth these cock-Nazis! But I thought they didst sail off the face of the earth!’

‘Arr, rumors of our fall art greatly exaggerated, much like the Flat Earth Society’s geography,’ quoth the Captain. ‘Prepareth to raise the deflector shields!’

‘Aye-aye, Cap’n!’ quoth the first mate. ‘Preparing to raiseth the deflector shields!’

‘Arr, raiseth deflector shields!’ quoth the Captain.

‘Aye-aye, Cap’n!’ quoth the first mate. ‘Raising deflector shields!’

‘Ye stand no chance ’gainst the might of our business acumen!’ cried the Captain. ‘We shall make ye walk the plank!’

‘Not so fast, butt-pirates!’ cried a voice from above.

‘ ’Tis the Demigod David!’ cried Jennifer. ‘Surely he wilt help us!’

And David didst appear, flying alongside the pirate ship with his Anti-Gravity Cape, which didst give him the power to fly and be dim.

And in his dimness, he didst crash into the mast and knock himself out.

‘A fat lot of help that didst prove to be…’ quoth Nori.

‘Arr, fire at will!’ cried the Cap’n.

‘Which one is Will?’ asked the pirate at the filing cabinet.

And the pirates didst launch a barrage of drawers at the Dudes, and the cushions of their little fort couldst not withstand the bombardment.

‘Where is the God of All Things Found Under Couch Cushions when ye need him?’ demanded Dirty Uncle Orty, for they didst bless their little fort in his name.

‘Arr, we shall break ye, come hell and high water!’ cried the Captain.

And Scoot didst power up.

‘Oh shit!’ cried Nori. ‘Dudes! Hit the deck!’

‘Where’s the deck? Where’s the deck?’ cried Casey.

And Scoot didst throw an energy ball at the filing cabinet.

‘Arr, I hate it when that doth happen…’ quoth the Captain.

And Scoot’s energy wave didst consume the drawer and didst penetrate the ship’s deflector shields, blowing up the filing cabinet. And it came to pass that smoldering papers didst rain on the battlefield.

‘Shiver me timbers!’ cried the Captain.

‘Shiver thine own timbers, thou sicko!’ quoth Nori. ‘Fuckin’ A, Scoot! Thy aim hath improved since thou tried that at Kungfucius’!’

With the deflector shields down, the Dudes were able to board the pirates’ ship to throw down, and there was a great swashbuckling battle.

‘Is thy license in order?’ quoth Scoot, and he didst draw the HellRazor. ‘Have at thee!’

‘Aye,’ quoth the Captain, ‘for the Pirates Guild wouldst not let ye fly the skull and crossbones if thy papers art not in order. Now give up, ye scurvy low-life dog! I learned how to fight from the greatest swordsmen of the Seven Seas!’

‘Oh yeah!’ quoth Scoot as he didst kick the Captain square in the nuts, ‘well I didst learn to fight on the street!’

And so it came to pass that the Dudes didst defeat the pirates.

‘Arr, ye have swashed me buckles!’ cried the Captain.

‘And I canst do it again!’ quoth Scoot.

‘Hey!’ cried Dirty Uncle Orty. ‘Keep it in thy pantaloons!’

But the pirate ship was sinking, for Scoot’s energy wave had blown a hole in the hull.

And it came to pass that the Demigoddess Heidi didst appear in her yacht, and didst give them a ride, except for Scoot, who didst take the helm of the hide-a-bed.

‘I shall sail unto the Dream Plane in my search for Lord Matt,’ quoth he, ‘for if he hath any dreams in his deep sleep, I shall find him.’

For among the books of Kungfucius’ cluttered attic, he didst read the Bible of Dreams.

And Scoot didst sail unto the Dream Plane, and after drifting through the mists of a thousand dreams from his past, he didst find the spirit of Matt, and the ghost of the God of Bistromathics told him to go unto the ruins of the Sunken City of Los Angeles.

And so when Scoot didst return from his mysterious errand, the Dudes didst set sail for the ruins of the Sunken City of Los Angeles.

And it came to pass that in the ruins, the Dudes didst find the Floating Refrigerator of the God of Chocolate St*rfishes, But Not That Damned Hot-Dog-Flavored Water.

And the God of Odnoh appeared before them as a killer Christmas tree, and said unto them: ‘At last! Thou hast found Matt! Now we canst resort him.’

And Lord RJ didst fall out of the sky as a potted plant, and didst shatter against Something’s head.

‘Yoco!’ cried Scoot. ‘Art thou alright, bro?’

‘Ah, Something doth never get hurt when he hitteth his head,’ quoth Nori.

‘Ow! Fuck!’ cried Something. ‘I see thou hast remembered my immortality this time, Lord Derrick…’

‘Oops,’ spake the God of Orange Juice Drinking. And he didst take the potion which the Apothecary had given him, and didst drink of it and spake the words, ‘Incanis… Corporæ… um… Transistor…’

And he didst thrice kiss the feet of the God of Boy Scouts.

And it came to pass that Matt didst awaken. And he was transformed into a talking toob amplifier, and said unto them: ‘ ’Tis good to be great, and I feeleth really back! Yea, tho everything’s all okay, I feeleth out of whack!’

‘Lord Matt!’ cried Lord RJ. ‘Thou hast returned!’

And he didst bow before the Gods of Hondo, prostrate at their feet, and Yoco didst bow before the Gods of Hondo, and a hell of a lot better than Lord RJ ever couldst.

‘Derrick! What hast thou done?’ cried Matt, as he didst realize that the God of Hawai’ian Shirts had instituted administrators. ‘Thou hast screwed over Reality and fucked up ev’ryone!’

‘I am sorry, Matt, I was just having fun,’ spake Derrick.

‘I shall the Path of Stupidity shun!’ spake the God of Parental Advisories.

‘If this doth get much worse,’ quoth Casey, ‘we had better run.’

And the Goddess didst appear and smack him.

And it came to pass that the God of Explicit Fucking Lyrics didst fold his arms and wink, and nod his head, and all the administrators were struck dead.

‘And that doth take care of that,’ spake he, ‘or else my name isn’t Matt.’

‘That was a sorry-ass rhyme,’ quoth Nori.

‘If thou canst think of something better, come and tell me… Until then, go fuck thyself, Nori.’

‘What in the name of the gutted lower intestine of a sacred cow is going on here?’ cried Scoot.

‘Thou’rt right,’ spake the God of Change. ‘Something is amiss. I must think hard and look into this…’

‘Aargghhh!’ cried Nori. ‘Wilt thou shut up with the tree-fucking rhymes!?’

‘Oh no! I can’t!’ cried the God of Fukengrüven. ‘I’m out of hand! My rant is getting really sloppy! I’m on a roll— Somebody stop me!’

‘Now thou hast got me rhyming as well,’ quoth Scoot. ‘Damn ye, Lord Matt, damn ye all to hell!’

‘Please, for the love of crap, tell us what to do!’ cried Nori.

‘ ’Tis a secret brew, known only to a few, and it canst be made for no great expense,’ spake the God of De Ghetto Booty. ‘Find thee a headquarters before I maketh less and less sense…’

And he didst walk off into nothingness singing, ‘O, I’m a lumberjack and I’m okay! I blaze all hell and I fart all day…’

‘Findeth a headquarters?’ quoth Casey. ‘But where?’

‘I have a headquarters for us,’ quoth Scoot.

Quoth Myles the Unbeliever, ‘I don’t believe it!’

‘Get out!’ quoth Nori,

‘Dost thou remember that in my wandering, I came upon the lost Island of Mu, whose location is known only to a few— D’oh! Damn ye, Matt!’

And so the Dudes set sail to bringeth gum to the Island of Mu.

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(The Son of the Hawai’ian King Kaméhaméha: Yarr! Thar Be Zapatistas Off the Starboard Armrest!)

NEXT TIME: Ackward-Boy...
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neko-sennin

03-22-2006, 11:34 AM

CHAPTER 8
And it came to pass that the Dudes didst set sail for the lost island of Mu, and Scoot didst lead the way on his hide-a-bed.

And in their journey, they didst come to land on the Isle of Tokers, where the herb grew freely in the wild, and the people didst worship the Goddess.

And so Scoot was pursued by Evil-Cam, which didst hunt him through forest and field. When he didst return, he didst find that the Dudes were jammin’ with the Islanders, and for some reason, they didst not want to leave.

And though it took some doing, Scoot didst finally convince the Dudes to say farewell to the friendly and inviting people of the Isle, especially for the High Priestess of Hondo, for she didst really like it there.

And Booby didst remember that he had a magic carpet.

‘Why the hell have we been fuckin’ around with boats when we couldst fly?’ demanded Nori.

And the Dudes didst shrug their shoulders.

After one more bonfire party, the Dudes didst take off on Booby’s magic carpet, and they didst fly unto the lost Island of Mu.

But Scoot didst insist on sailing the hide-a-bed, and when they didst arrive in Mu, the people didst say, ‘Ack-ward-boy hath returned just as he hath predicted: in a floating hide-a-bed!’

‘Ackward-boy?’ quoth the Dudes in unison.

‘In their native tongue, it meaneth “Chief Standing Backwards”,’ quoth Scoot.

‘Oh, well I canst not possibly imagine where they didst come up with that name,’ quoth Nori.

‘ ’Tis a little trick I learned from a monk whilst I was wandering in Tibet,’ quoth Scoot. ‘I bet a bunch of people doing that wouldst scare off Chairman Mao!’

And Scoot didst give the Universal Greeting, and didst offer them many packages of gum.

‘But that is not Juicy Fruit,’ quoth Casey.

‘It doth not matter,’ quoth Scoot, ‘for we art not brand-fascists here.’

‘We welcome the Son of the Hawai’ian King Kaméhaméha,’ quoth the Chief.

‘Where?’ quoth Yoco.

‘ ’Tis an honorary title, Ass-Master,’ quoth Nori.

And they didst summon the Village Idiot, who didst run out to the hut of the Witch Doctor.

And after hearing of the madness which was the tale Scoot had to tell, the Witch Doctor didst brew up a potion from the same recipe as the Apothecary.

And it came to pass that the Gods of Hondo didst appear before them as Larry, Curly, and Moe, and the God of Drunken Rastafarians Playing Frisbee said unto them: ‘Hail, Dudes! I have returned! Tell me now what thou hast learned.’

‘Wait one fucking minute!’ spake the God of Stupidity, ‘there art only supposed to be two of us!’

‘Oops, sorry…’ quoth Moe, and he didst vanish from their midst.

‘Dammit!’ quoth Nori, ‘he was my favorite one!’

‘Dammit!’ quoth Yoco. ‘Curly was the best!’

‘Dammit!’ quoth Dirty Uncle Orty, ‘ye stepped on my foot!’

‘Dammit!’ quoth Nori, ‘don’t get thy butt in an uproar.’

‘Dammit!’ quoth Lord RJ as he didst appear before them as an incontinent rabbit, ‘trust me, thou hast not seen my butt in an uproar!’

‘Dammit!’ quoth Jennifer, ‘Look at that bird!’

‘Dammit!’ quoth the bird, ‘Stop looking at me!’

‘Dammit! I liketh… birds,’ quoth Jennifer.

‘Dammit!’ spake the God of Dammit, ‘ ’Tis my turn to say dammit!’

‘I’ve got a bad habit, slammit!’ spake the God of Skankin’ It Up, ‘I must have it! This time, Derrick, getteth it right, or I shall kick thy sorry ass tonight! I canst not stand making cheesy rhymes like this, all the time to the point that I am really getting pissed!’

‘Quickly, Lord Derrick!’ cried Nori as she covered her ears, ‘Maketh it fucking stop!’

And he didst take the potion which the Witch Doctor had given him, and didst drink of it and spake the words, ‘Incanis… Corporæ…’

‘Transmuto, dumbass!’ whispered Nori.

‘Transmuto!’ cried the God of Fist Pounding triumphantly, and he didst thrice kiss the feet of the God of Sticking One’s Dick in the Mashed Potatoes.

And it came to pass that the God of Waffle Irons was restored to his normal(?) self, and was transformed into the Cheshire Cat’s Smile.

‘At last!’ cried he, ‘an end to the ceaseless rhymes!’

‘Well, ’tis about fucking time,’ quoth Nori.

And so it came to pass that RJ was demoted back to Assistant God of Getting Sidetracked now that Matt was restored to his former self so he couldst fulfill his duties as the God of Used Underwear.

And it came to pass that Chief Boombox didst telleth Something to go forth and appease the spirit in the volcano, and didst offer him a great feast beforehand, with great quantities of orange drink.

‘But I do not want to,’ quoth he.

‘Thou’rt the Sacrificial Goat, the lowest rank in Hondo,’ Spake the God of 5’2” Blond Chinese Women. ‘For thy rank is so low that even those outside of Hondo may boss thee around.’

‘Goddammit!’ cried Something.

‘Ye screamed—’

‘Fuck off!’ cried the Dudes in unison.

And Derrick didst vanish from their midst before anyone couldst see what he wouldst appear before them as.

And so it came to pass that Something was thrown into the volcano, and there was much rejoicing.

NEXT TIME: Hide & Seek...
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neko-sennin

03-23-2006, 11:32 AM

CHAPTER 9
And it came to pass at the Retirement Home of Ancient Gods that the great Grey Giant Luigi didst finish counting to a million, as Scoot the Ko’An had asked of him in their game of hide-and-seek.

‘Dudes?’ quoth he as he didst look around in understandable confusion. ‘Duh… where art thou?’

But the Dudes were nowhere to be seen.

And so the mighty Luigi didst set out to find the Dudes…

(Nori: ‘Stay thee tuned for the next unsinkable fuckin’ chapter of the Book of Hondo!’)

The Book of Kaméhaméha is dedicated to the memory of Douglas Adams, who didst inspire us all to know where our towels art.

1952 – 2001

NEXT TIME: Scoot's Epistle to That Censoring B**** Jane Fonda...
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neko-sennin

03-24-2006, 11:03 AM

SCOOT THE KO’AN’S EPISTLE TO THAT CENSORING B**** JANE FONDA
(Scoot the Ko’An’s Epistle to That Censoring B**** Jane Fonda was brought to thee by Gum, the Breakfast of Champions. We care not which brand, as long as thou art chewing it.)

To Whom It May Confuse:
’Twas the other night, whilst we were watching the Turner Redneck Movie version of From Dusk Till Dawn with the Gods of Hondo on their new digital TV, for this was after we didst battle the Multi-Tentacled Home Theatre Beast, that I didst see the scene where the characters didst come unto the Titty Twister Bar. But in thy version, the place’s name was called the “Kitty” Twister, and Cheech didst cry out how they didst have all manner of kitties.

In place of the word “pussy” they didst use the word “kitty” during a long monologue about the variety of “kitties” they had. Black kitties, white kitties, Asian kitties, wet kitties, dry kitties, hairy kitties, shaved kitties, big kitties, small kitties…

I couldst go on ad nauseum, but my point is that this is sick and wrong. Tell that sick b**** Jane Fonda that I do not want my children thinking that way about kitties!

-Scoot the Ko’An

NEXT TIME: The Book of Spooky Doors...
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neko-sennin

03-25-2006, 02:11 PM

TABLE OF CONTENTS:

DISCLAIMER
OPENING CREDITS
TABLE OF CONTENTS
BOOK 0— HONDO
THE BOOK OF SCOOT
THE POINTLESS TALE OF PIPPIN THE BASTARD
1ST DUDES
2ND DUDES
THA BOOK OF FLAVOR FLAV
THE BOOK OF CHOCULA™
THE BOOK OF KUNGFUCIUS
THE LABORS OF THE DUDES
THE BOOK OF KAMÉHAMÉHA
SCOOT THE KO’AN’S EPISTLE TO THAT CENSORING B**** JANE FONDA
THE BOOK OF SPOOKY DOORS (THOU ART HERE)
THE BOOK OF MACABRE
BOOK — ODNOH

THE BOOK OF SPOOKY DOORS
(The Book of Spooky Doors was brought to thee by Pudweiser Beer, as well as Filler and Filler Lite. For the taste that doth provoke the desire, but taketh away the performance, this Pud’s for thee!)

Scoot the Ko’An, age 23. The Ass-Kickin’ Apostle of Hondo, he and his friends, the Dudes, art on a quest into mysterious, uncharted territory. For little doth Scoot know that in his quest he is about to take a scenic detour through the Twilite Zone. Submitted for thine approval, The Book of Spooky Doors…

And it came to pass that a Spooky Door didst appear on the Island of Mu, and a shitload of Kreeblies didst spring forth to attack the Dudes, for ’twas the spookiest door they had ever seen, and no more was the Voice of the Turtle heard in the Land.

And with a legion of Kreeblies, the Red Machine came forth, with a high screechy voice, proclaiming: ‘Behold the face of thy destruction! Twylight is upon this world, and soon night must fall! Sayeth The Man: “The living shall envy the dead!” ’

And its jagged form didst shift and shimmer, inspiring a nameless fear in back of men’s minds.

‘Oh shit!’ quoth Nori. ‘There goeth the neighborhood…’

And the Dudes didst power up and prepare to do battle with this dark army.

And Scoot the Ko’An didst draw the HellRazor, and didst rage against the Machine with all his might, for the Red Machine was the most powerful adversary he had ever faced.

‘Thou’rt no match for the Power of Steel!’ cried the Red Machine. ‘Pay The Man!’

‘Sorry…’ quoth Scoot, and he didst turn out his pants pockets. ‘Shit broke, dude.’

‘Then I shall taketh it out of thy sorry ass!’ quoth the Red Machine.

‘Bring it on…’ quoth Scoot.

And as the Dudes didst wage a fierce battle with the Kreeblies, Scoot didst beat the Red Machine like a red-headed stepchild.

‘Send my regards to the God of Hawai’ian Shirts!’ cried Scoot as he didst deliver the final blow. ‘…And all thy friends in Hell!’

And Scoot didst take the Skeleton Key to the Spooky Door from the remains of the Red Machine, saying, ‘Damn! My new training hath really paid off!’

‘He who standeth in the door to fight, shalt overcome much greater might!’ quoth Scoot as he and the Dudes didst force the Kreeblies back though the Spooky Door.

And Scoot didst lock the Spooky Door behind them, and there was much rejoicing.

With an ominous Spooky Door in their presence, the Dudes didst partake of the Feast of Maximum Occupancy with the Islanders, for they knew the time for another great quest was nigh.

And Scoot said unto the Dudes: ‘Yea, tho we art totally unprepared for the challenge that doth await us, we shalt enter all Spooky Doors, as the Gods of Hondo have commanded us.’

‘I guess thou hast completely forgotten about the Thing with the Stuff…’ quoth Nori.

‘Yeah, for the most part,’ quoth Adria.

‘Canst just one of our adventures maketh even a little sense for once?’ demanded Nori.

‘Shut the fuck up!’ quoth Scoot. ‘We art going to do this my way.’

‘Is that not the wrong way?’

‘Aye,’ quoth Scoot, ‘but faster!’

And Scoot didst give unto the High Priestess Jennifer the Skeleton Key, and he didst tell her the sign by which she might know it was he and the Dudes, and not the enemy, asking to come back through later.

And so, in the Hour of Hurrying, the Dudes didst venture forth into the Spooky Door, knowing not what they might findeth.

NEXT TIME: The Stranger...
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neko-sennin

03-26-2006, 08:35 PM

CHAPTER 2
And it came to pass that on the other side of the Spooky Door, the Dudes didst find themselves standing alone in an empty field, for there was no sign of the army of Kreeblies which they had fought before. And in this place there was no wind, no sun, no shadows, and yet there was light.

And standing in the midst of the field, near a fence, was a lone figure in a cloak and hood.

‘Where the hell didst those ass-ramming pig-dickers disappeareth to?’ quoth Nori.

‘Good sir,’ quoth Scoot as he didst approach the lone figure, ‘wouldst thou tell us whither the evil army of Kreeblies hath gone?’

‘They have departed this place,’ quoth the stranger, ‘and have taken to the road.’

‘Ha! Dost thou expect us to fall for such a cheap-ass trick?’ quoth Nori. ‘This is no more than a trap laid to ensnare us.’

‘I promise thee it is not,’ quoth the stranger. ‘Thou must taketh me at my word that I serve not The Man.’

‘And who the fuck art thou, that we shouldst simply taketh thy word at face value?’ demanded she.

‘My name is of no importance,’ quoth the Stranger.

‘Pay thee no mind to Nori the Cursing Faerie,’ quoth Scoot, ‘for she is just having a bad hair day.’

‘Go hump splintered balsawood,’ quoth Nori.

‘Tell us,’ quoth Scoot, ‘art thou a native of this realm?’

‘No,’ quoth the Stranger, ‘but I have been here long enough to acquaint myself with this place.’

‘Then wouldst thou guide us in this strange land?’ quoth Scoot, for he was not one to make grave decisions on a whim. ‘I senseth that we shall need thy knowledge in this mysterious place. So, what sayest thou?’

‘Sure, why not?’ quoth the Stranger.

‘Ye trust him!?’ screeched Nori.

‘Sure, why not?’ quoth Scoot.

‘It soundeth like a perfectly good reason to me,’ quoth Casey.

‘No comment,’ quoth Nori.

And so the Dudes didst discuss the matter as a committee, and it came to pass that the God of Orange Juice Drinking didst appear before them as the Pillsbury Doughboy, and Yoco didst walk up to him and poke his belly, and said unto him, ‘Yo! Poppin’ Fresh!’

And the God of All Things Found Under Couch Cushions didst giggle, and said unto them: ‘Hoo-hoo! Hail Dudes! I am come to tell thee that thou hast entered the realm of The Man. Even we know little of what is here, for the doors were so spooky that Matt and I didst always decide we shouldst check them out later.

‘Anyhoo, Matt hath told me to tell thee that if thou looketh hard enough, thou shalt findeth where his socks went when he didst put them in the dryer. Seriously serious, though, thou’rt advised to find for thyselves a guide.’

‘As usual, we art way ahead of thee, O great God of Stupidity,’ quoth Nori.

‘Aye,’ quoth Scoot, and he didst introduce to him the Stranger, saying, ‘we know not who he is or from whence he came, but this stranger shalt be our guide in this strange land.’

‘The Man hath found the keys to realms we have not yet visited,’ spake the God of Odnoh. ‘We know not what the enemy hath in store for thee, but we shall try to help thee wherever we may. Until we have learned more, fare thee well, Dudes…’

And the God of Odnoh didst vanish from their midst.

And it came to pass that the Stranger didst join the Dudes’ party, and with their mysterious guide in the lead, they didst depart from the empty field, and set out to find The Man and do battle with him.

NEXT TIME: Ghost Town...
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neko-sennin

03-27-2006, 11:45 PM

CHAPTER 3
And it came to pass that the Stranger didst lead the Dudes down a long highway which led unto a deserted town.

In the outskirts of the ghost town, the Dudes didst find ruins of a mall, and in it was the little arcade where the poltergeists play their video games.

‘These games art fuckin’ creepy,’ quoth Nori, for they were all of evil and spooky themes, and the sounds that issued forth from the games in the back didst make the Dudes’ hair stand on end. ‘I liketh this place!’

And there was heard from down the hall a distorted tape loop repeating: ‘Code Blue Special on Aisle Three… Code Blue Special on Aisle Three… Shoppeth smart… Shoppeth S-Mart…’

‘Let us not go to the other side,’ quoth Orty, for he couldst hear the exotic sounds from the pet store down the hall. ‘For this place doth give me the screamin’ hoodoos.’

‘Shut up. Ye talk too much…’ quoth the Stranger. ‘I sense we art being watched. Let us leave this place.’

And as the Dudes were walking down the road into town, a large convertible didst roll down the hill at them, and the Dudes didst scatter, except for Scoot, who didst jump onto the hood of the convertible, for he was too close to dodge it.

‘What the fuck…’ quoth Scoot, for there was no one in the driver’s seat, so he didst take the car by the wheel.

‘Scoot!’ cried Nori, and she and the Dudes didst chase after him.

And it came to pass that as the convertible rolled down the hill, a pair of gas tankers didst roll across the road, barring his path with an explosive road-block.

‘Oh shit…’ quoth Scoot, for the brakes didst not function. And he didst quantemplate, and finally he didst say, ‘Real men don’t use brakes!’

And he didst swerve through a parking lot, avoiding a fiery death by a few feet, and he coast into town on his momentum.

And the car came to a halt in front of an abandoned atrium, which Scoot didst pick the lock thereof, for he couldst sense a powerful evil presence within.

Amid the ruins of the atrium, he couldst hear sinister giggling from odd corners, though he saw no one.

And at last he didst find his way into the atrium itself, and across the courtyard, one level above him, stood a fell figure.

‘I should have known…’ quoth Scoot, for he didst recognize the figure, whose one eye glared from under his hood.

‘Thou art on my turf now, Scoot the Ko’An…’ quoth the one-eyed man as he threw off his hood. ‘This time, ye have no voodoo dolls to save ye. This time, I shall kick thy sorry ass!’

‘Ha!’ laughed Scoot as he didst power up, ‘Thou and whose army?’

And that was when it didst dawn on Scoot that he was surrounded by an army of Kreeblies.

‘Thou hast spoken too soon, my friend,’ quoth the one-eyed man. ‘Now I shall have the HellRazor and its incredible power!’

‘Well, crap-on-a-stick!’

And Scoot didst do battle with the Kreeblies, and didst fend them off with his staff to keepeth them from stealing the HellRazor.

But though the Kreeblies were pathetically weak enemies, they had him ridiculously outnumbered, and he didst soon find himself being overpowered.

And one of them didst steal the HellRazor from him.

‘Couldst thou use a hand?’ cried Myles as he didst attack the Kreeblies in his Heroic Pants, for he was tired of being beaten by figments of other people’s imaginations.

‘A sword by thy side!’ cried Yoco, and he didst draw the Edge and didst begin to mow down Kreeblies.

‘Let the Gods sort ’em out!’ cried Dirty Uncle Orty as he didst hack and slash his way through the sea of Kreeblies before him with the Gothic Axe.

‘I’ll bash ’em good!’ cried Casey, and he didst pick up one Kreebly and didst throw it at another, and didst plow through more with the Hammer of Not Bickering.

‘Make way!’ cried RJ as he didst aim the Hyper-X Buttplate at the army of Kreeblies. ‘And I shall break wind!’

‘Nnnooooo!’ cried Nori, and she didst reach for the Hyper-X Butt-Plug, and just in time. ‘Thou wilt destroy us all!’

And RJ didst try to implode, but he was just fine.

‘Yoink!’ quoth Scoot as he didst steal the HellRazor back from them.

And with the Dudes back at his side, whoopin’ up on the Kreeblies, it came to pass that Scoot was able to turn his attention to the one-eyed man, and the two of them didst battle each other, staff against staff.

‘The last time we met, we didst not get to finish our fight,’ quoth the one-eyed man. ‘I have waited a long time for this, Scoot the Ko’An!’

‘And thou wilt wish thou hadst waited longer,’ quoth Scoot.

And as the Kreeblies fled from the might of the Dudes, the two warriors didst battle their way to the roof of the atrium, and the one-eyed man didst knock the staff from Scoot’s hands, and didst trip him.

‘Dammit!’ quoth Scoot, ‘how doth he do that?’

‘Thou art finished, Scoot!’ cried the one-eyed man as he didst attack the Ass-Kickin’ Apostle.

But Scoot didst kick the one-eyed man from off him, and he didst fall through the skylight, arms and legs windmilling into the impenetrable darkness below.

And so the Dudes were reunited outside of the atrium, for the Kreeblies were scattered to the winds, and they didst have a great Riverdance to celebrate their victory.

And so Scoot was pursued by Evil-Cam, which didst hunt him through forest and field.

And Scoot didst finally find a way to escape when he came upon a Spooky Door and didst enter therein. And then he didst shut the door behind him, and Evil-Cam couldst not find him.

And there, in a quiet chamber with an Olympic size pool, Scoot didst meet a mysterious woman, who stood by the pool.

For in the center of the pool was an island, and on the island was a pedestal on which rested a little black box.

‘So, we meet again…’ quoth Scoot, for he didst remember her from his adventures on the Dream Plane. ‘Wilt thou tell me who thou art, this time?’

‘Very well,’ quoth the mystery woman, ‘for our time is short. I am Narayana, the Goddess’s Hand. I am the Avatar of the Dream Plane, and I work for the Goddess in secret; thou’rt one of the few who knoweth of mine existence.

‘Knowest thou what that little black box is?’ quoth she. ‘For I am certain thou hast seen it before.’

‘Aye,’ quoth Scoot, ‘for I stole it from The Man’s secret storage facility on the Dream Plane during my search for the Floating Refrigerator of the God of the God of the God of the God of… well ye get the point. But what is this place?’

‘This is a sacred, and secret, place, a place of rest where ye may shut the door behind ye and no one shall find ye,’ quoth Narayana, ‘but The Man’s evil doth now reach even here.

‘Thou art destined to carry the HellRazor, just as thy fellow Dudes art all destined to join thee in thy battle against The Man, for there is a curse on each of thee, reaching back seven generations in each of thy bloodlines.

‘Soon thou shalt come unto the Eleventh Hour, and thou shalt have to find a way to stand against The Man, or all wilt be lost.’

‘So what canst I do to stoppeth him?’ quoth Scoot.

‘The Goddess of Wisdom knoweth many things,’ quoth she, ‘and one of them is the secret of the Little Black Box thou see’st before thee.’

‘So why dost thou not jump in and go get it?’ quoth Scoot.

‘Beware,’ quoth she, ‘for though the water looketh calm, it is alive with evil.’

Even as she said this, the water didst form a tentacle and didst reach out to pull Scoot into the water.

But Scoot didst slash it with the HellRazor, and he didst power up and jump into pool, where he didst grapple with the evil using the Psychic Kung Fu which the Master Kungfucius had taught him.

And it came to pass that Scoot didst defeat the evil force, and didst swim unto the island and retrieveth the Little Black Box for Narayana.

‘Thou hast done thy part,’ quoth she, ‘now I shall do mine. Go forth now, Scoot. It is time…’

NEXT TIME: The Dark Dudes...
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neko-sennin

03-28-2006, 10:29 PM

CHAPTER 4
And it came to pass that at the far side of the deserted town, the Dudes didst find a Spooky Door. But though they had found the Skeleton Key during the Kreeblies’ retreat, they were still without Scoot, and they didst not want to go on without their fearless leader.

‘And where the hell didst our so-called guide go?’ demanded Nori, for she couldst see no sign of the Stranger. ‘I knew we couldst not trust that corpse-molesting sphincter-jockey!’

‘But how canst we go on without Scoot?’ quoth RJ. ‘Granted, he had not a plan, but somehow we didst always do just fine.’

And it came to pass that the God of Everything Else didst appear before them as yo mama, and said unto them, ‘Hail Dudes! I see thou hast lost that guide I told thee to find… Oh, well, thou wilt just have to go on without him.’

‘Good fucking riddance!’ quoth Nori. ‘I didst not trust him anyway.’

‘But how shalt we go on without Scoot?’ quoth Casey. ‘Without his insane leadership, how shall we ever prevail against The Man?’

‘Ha!’ laughed Yoco, ‘Where now is thine adventurous spirit?’

‘Easy for thou to sayeth!’ quoth Casey. ‘Thou’rt immortal!’

‘Fear not,’ spake the God of Hamburger Surprise, ‘for Scoot hath unfinished business from his time on the Dream Plane. I remember little from his mysterious errand, save for the fact that it hath something do with a little black box…

‘Scoot shall catch up with thee somewhere along the way. I know not where he is, but he is still alive. I shall summon the Demigoddess Heidi to keep watch over this Spooky Door. Now go forth and raiseth havoc and anarchy on The Man and his minions!’

And the God of Radio Silence didst vanish from their midst.

And so it came to pass that the Dudes didst enter the Spooky Door, and the Demigoddess Heidi didst appear and keepeth the Skeleton Key, that Scoot might pass through later.

And on the other side, the Dudes didst find themselves on a lake. And on the lake were many walkways, and platforms on stilts. ’Twas night, and a full moon hung in the sky.

‘I senseth evil,’ quoth Nori. ‘We art being watched, and probably not by anyone who doth sell Girl Scout Cookies.’

‘Aww!’ quoth Casey.

And a fell figure didst step out of the shadows of one of the platforms clad in dark robes and hood.

‘Thou hast met thy match, for we shall not let thee pass…’ quoth the dark figure. ‘Thou shalt not cross this lake alive, Dudes…’

And seven other figures didst step out of the shadows, all clothed in dark robes and hoods, and a Dark Faerie went with them, for her aura was a radiant black.

‘This is as far as ye go…’ quoth the leader of the nine. ‘Thy failure is inevitable, and thine efforts in vain. For thy doom doth lie in the hollow forms before thee…’

‘Oh, blow it out thine ass, thou Hoover-jockeying snickerpuss!’ quoth Nori.

And the Dudes didst power up to do battle with these sinister foes, for most of them were indeed left-handed.

But though the Dudes didst fight hard, they were outnumbered eight-against-nine, and these mysterious adversaries didst show no mercy.

‘We art not going to make it!’ cried Casey.

And that was when a mysterious warrior didst join in the fight. And he didst open a can of whoop-ass on the leader of the nine.

‘Hell yeah!’ cried Nori as she didst recognize their new ally. ‘ ’Tis the wanderer Richard! The one who didst help us defeat the Whistling Assassin!’

And it came to pass that Richard didst turn the tide back in the Dudes’ favor.

And there was much rejoicing, and, of course, ass-kicking.

‘Fear not!’ cried Scoot as he didst charge onto the battlefield, ‘for the Scootly One… hath… returned…’

And he didst find that Dudes had already beaten the nine, and so he didst help them finish mopping up.

‘Scoot, ma nigga, whassup?’ quoth Richard.

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(The Son of the Hawai’ian King Kaméhaméha: The Adventure Doth Continue...)

NEXT TIME: The Power of the HellRazor...
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neko-sennin

03-30-2006, 12:03 AM

CHAPTER 5
And Scoot and Richard didst stand face to face, and the Dudes couldst sense the power of the both of them.

‘Thy friends were in deep shit,’ quoth Richard, ‘but I didst help them out. For a long time have I followed that sinister posse. They wert the Dark Dudes, and I am told that their leader was as powerful as thee, Scoot.’

‘Is that so…’ quoth Scoot, and he didst draw the HellRazor and didst thrust it into the ground. ‘For if it is, then thou shalt have no trouble defeating me, Richard… Fuck the bullshit! ’Tis time to throw down!’

‘At last, it is time to see what thou’rt made of, Scoot the Ko’An,’ quoth Richard.

And Scoot didst power up, and he and Richard didst do battle with each other, fighting with great kung fu action.

And it came to pass that Scoot and Richard didst fight each other to a standstill, and neither couldst gain the upper hand over the other.

‘Well met, Scoot,’ quoth Richard. ‘Verily I say, thou’rt indeed more powerful than the leader of the Dark Dudes. But I’m still just warming up.’

And Richard didst power up still more.

‘No way!’ cried Scoot, for it had taken his full power just to fight Richard this far.

‘Fuckin’ A!’ cried Nori. ‘I hope this dude’s on our side!’

‘Fear not,’ quoth Richard, ‘for I was also a student of the great Master Kungfucius. I didst not expect thy power to be so strong. Thou’rt indeed the Ass-Kickin’ Apostle.’

And Scoot didst yank the HellRazor out of the ground, and said unto him: ‘Knowest thou what this is?’

‘Aye,’ quoth Richard. ‘With the power of the HellRazor, thou wouldst be three times stronger thyself. I know not the math on that…’

‘Enough of this serious crap! Thou’rt a kick-ass fighter!’ spake the God of That Time Ye Saw Gramma Naked as he didst appear before them as the Sun Dog, and a big fat guy with a mohawk and flaming feet didst appear next to him. ‘So we the Gods of Hondo anoint thee, Sir Richard Flammond, the Black Knight of Odnoh. Thou shalt join Scoot the Ko’An in his battle against The Man and his minions.’

‘Aye,’ quoth the Stranger. ‘Thy power wouldst be much needed against The Man.’

‘And where the fish-fucking hell hast thou been?’ demanded Nori.

‘Who careth!’ quoth Casey. ‘Wilt thou join us, Richard?’

‘Why not?’ quoth he, ‘for I have nothing better to do.’

‘Hey!’ quoth RJ, ‘who is the big fat guy?’

‘Oh, that’s Bigfatjohn, the Official Messenger of the Gods of Hondo,’ spake the God of Hairy Clogs.

‘But we have never heard of him!’ quoth Yoco.

‘As we the Gods of Hondo delivereth most of our messages ourselves—’

‘Find thee other gods who doth care that much about their peoples like that!’ spake the God of Nipples as he didst briefly appear before them as an SS whore making scary sounds, and then vanished.

‘—so he didst sit on his lazy ass and become fat. But he hath been our messenger from very early on, ever since he lit his shoes on fire on a dare. ’Tis a long story.

‘For ye see, a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away… there lived a man who couldst shove hot dogs up his nose (props Fletcher Dragge). And these art the descents of the Man Who Shoved Hot Dogs Up His Nose:

‘The Man Who Shoved Hot Dogs Up His Nose begat Phares. And Phares begat Zara of Tamar. And Zara of Tamar begat Esrom. And Esrom begat Aram. And Aram begat Aminadab the Eagle Scout.

‘And Aminadab the Eagle Scout begat Na-ason. And Na-ason begat Salmon. And Salmon begat—’

‘Doth anyone else giveth a duck-fucking rat’s ass?’ quoth Nori. ‘We didst not ask to hear his life story.’

‘Aye, ’tis true,’ quoth Bigfatjohn. ‘I am come bearing power pills from the Master Kungfucius’ stash.’

And he didst give the Dudes a baggie of power pills, and there was much rejoicing.

‘Whoo-hoo!’ cried Casey, for he still remembered the super power pills of the Master Kungfucius. ‘We’ll winneth for sure!’

‘ ’Twill take more than power pills to defeat The Man,’ quoth Bigfatjohn, ‘for he is a being from beyond space and time, and it is said that he is older and vastly more powerful than the Ancient Gods in their prime. Perhaps even older than the Titans, though no one knoweth anymore what came before them…’

‘Anyhoo, lest thou wanteth to live a life of conformity,’ spake Matt, ‘Lest thou wanteth to controlled, to be patrolled, to be just another part of the Machine, then thou shalt resist to the extreme and stand against The Man with all thy might. I shall away to learn more of the unknown Spooky Doors. Fare thee well, Dudes…’

And the God of Resisting McDomination and Bigfatjohn didst vanish from their midst.

‘Yoco, thou shalt keep the power pills for us,’ quoth Scoot. And he didst turn to Richard. ‘By the powers vested in me as the First Apostle of Hondo, I anoint thee, Sir Richard, Patron Saint of Ass-Whoopin’.’

‘Aw yeah…’ quoth Richard.

And there was much rejoicing.

And so it came to pass that the Dudes didst set forth on the path beyond the lake, and they didst come upon a castle.

And the castle was a very forbidding sight, for its battlements rose in black stone spires and jaggèd towers which seemed to greet the coming storm with open arms.

‘Castle von Färtnøkker…’ quoth the Stranger. ‘Home of the mad scientist who doth create evil appliances. We must beware…’

And there was a jaggèd, scary-looking steel sculpture that stood in front of the castle gates.

‘Verily I say, that is one butt-ugly statue,’ quoth Casey. ‘I’m glad it’s not for real.’

‘Shut up. Ye talk too much…’ quoth the Stranger.

And it came to pass that the sculpture didst awaken with hollow dark eyes and razor edges from head to foot.

And so Scoot didst draw the HellRazor and power up to do battle against the Grey Machine.

But the Grey Machine’s bizarre, twisted form didst split and become two Grey Machines.

And it came to pass that the two Machines didst gang up on Scoot, and he soon found himself being double-teamed by two swift and merciless foes.

‘Shouldst I help him out?’ quoth Richard.

‘I don’t know…’ quoth Yoco.

And so Richard didst power up and Scoot didst join forces with him in raging against the Machines, fighting back-to-back and side-by-side.

And it came to pass that the Grey Machines were no match for their combined might.

And so the Dudes stood before Castle von Färtnøkker, and still the drawbridge was pent shut against them.

NEXT TIME: Castle von Färtnøkker...
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neko-sennin

03-30-2006, 09:23 PM

CHAPTER 6
‘Now what, Einstein?’ quoth Nori.

And the Dudes didst shrug their shoulders.

‘Wait a minute!’ quoth Booby. ‘Forget not that I have a flying carpet.’

‘Why do we always forget that?’ quoth Yoco.

And so the Dudes didst use Booby’s flying carpet to enter Castle von Färtnøkker.

And inside the castle, the Dudes didst find themselves in an enormous chamber.

‘I have a bad feeling about this,’ quoth the Stranger.

And Dr Färtnøkker didst appear on a balcony overlooking the chamber.

‘Ha!’ quoth Dr Färtnøkker, ‘Thou hast come here to die! My Machines shall clear the way for The Man! Thou art no match for the Power of Steel! Resistance is futile, ja!’

And he didst pull a lever.

‘Oh no!’ cried Casey as the floor didst transform into a giant treadmill, and spikes didst poke through the wall behind them.

And so the Dudes went faster by not going slower, but after a while, they didst begin to tire.

‘What shall we do?’ cried RJ. ‘If we canst not go any faster, we art finished!’

‘Look not to me,’ quoth Nori as she didst hover in the air, ‘for this is not my fucking problem. Use thy heads for a change, thou dumbasses!’

And Scoot didst quantemplate, and finally he said unto them, ‘I’ve got it! We must invert the Eighth Commandment. We must go slower by not going faster!’

And so the Dudes didst go slower by not going faster, and the treadmill didst slow down and stop.

‘Scheisters!’ cried Dr Färtnøkker. ‘I have activated my workout treadmill! Thou wilt not be so lucky next time, for the projects of my Verboten Laboratory art much worse!’

And Dr Färtnøkker didst retreat unto the next room, and the Dudes didst give chase.

For the next part of the castle was Dr Färtnøkker’s Verboten Laboratory, and therein the Dudes didst find big computers, and vials and beakers and tubing, and of course, evil appliances which were still in the works.

‘Now thou shalt meet thy doom!’ cried Dr Färtnøkker as he threw a large switch. ‘Prepare thee to be destroyed by my latest creation, the Mecha-Wheelchair!’

And lightning didst strike the massive, heavily-armored wheelchair, wherein sat Ayatollah Asshollah, who was still recovering from Scoot’s Mega Kung Fu Ultra Wedgie attack, and the Ayatollah’s eyes didst light up with fanatical new power.

‘It’s alive!’ cried Dr Färtnøkker. ‘Alive! Go now, Ayatollah! Go forth and have thy revenge against the Infidels!’

‘Yee! Haw! Darn tootin’, thou decadent Yankee-Doodle dorks!’ cried Ayatollah Asshollah as the Mecha-Wheelchair didst roll forward on steel tank-tracks, with its many arms shooting lasers and missiles in all directions. ‘Death to the Infidels!’

And Scoot didst draw the Hell-Razor—

‘Wait!’ quoth Yoco, ‘for I believe it is time for me to useth the potion which the Apothecary gave unto me!’

And Yoco didst drink of the Ultra Jolt, and his hair didst grow ten-fold and he didst become Super Afro Man.

‘What canst thou possibly do against me now?’ quoth the Ayatollah. ‘In my new form, I shall crush the Great Satan and all who follow him!’

But Super Afro Man was bouncing off the walls, and he didst evade all of the Ayatollah’s attacks, for the Mecha-Wheelchair was too awkward to control.

And so Ayatollah Asshollah didst instead destroy half of Dr Färtnøkker’s Verboten Laboratory, whilst the Dudes didst scatter to avoid the blasts, so that Super Afro Man didst jump aboard the Ayatollah’s Mecha-Wheelchair.

‘Thou’rt goin’ for a ride, asshole!’ quoth Super Afro Man as he didst hit the Ayatollah’s EJECT button.

‘Nnnnnnnnnnnnooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ooooooooooooo!!…’ cried Ayatollah Asshollah as he was launched into the air and out of Dr Färtnøkker’s Lab.

‘Ha! Ha!’ laughed Nori. ‘Taketh that, thou elephant-bating ass-butt!’

And it came to pass that one of Ayatollah Asshollah’s blasts didst toast Skidmarks’ tail feathers. Pissed off, the last of the farting chickens didst summon other chickens who didst appear out of nowhere and didst assault Dr Färtnøkker.

And Skidmarks flew around like a chicken with its head cut off (that is, in a state of heightened intelligence), and didst dump coffee on the self-destruct controls on Dr Färtnøkker’s swivel-chair, which he had named Fukker.

‘My pants art malfunctioning!’ cried Dr Färtnøkker as his pants didst start sparking and fizzing at him, and he didst begin to collapse in on himself and implode. ‘Maallfunctionninnngg! O, what a world!…’

And such was the end of Dr Färtnøkker, author of the controversial political treatise Mein Pants, and there was much rejoicing.

And the God of Zoot Suit Riots didst appear before them as a Burning Blood Red Head on Fire, and laser beams didst shooteth from the eyes of the Choir.

‘Hail Dudes!’ spake Matt. ‘In honor of thy victory against the forces of intolerance and dogma, we have come up with a new name for thee, Super Afro Man— er, I mean, Something.’

‘Aw, come on! Not another one!’ cried Super Afro Man. ‘For I am already called Brian Fritz Pud Yoco Peppy McBean Oreamnos Americanus Something Skanky-Bitch! Need it be any longer?’

‘Aye!’ spake the God of Coughing Up Scary Things, ‘for now thy name shalt be Brian Fritz Pud Yoco Peppy McBean Oreamnos Americanus Something “Pookie” Skanky-Bitch.’

‘Pookie…’ quoth Casey. ‘It doth fit thee, Super Afro Man… er, Yoco, er…’

‘See what thou hast done!’ cried Pookie. ‘No one knoweth what to call me anymore! I’m having a fucking identity crisis! Why dost thou always do this to me?’

‘ ’Cause thou’rt the Hans!’ sang the God of Pink Elephants.

‘Thou art the Hans!’ echoed the Dudes in chorus.

And it came to pass that Castle von Färtnøkker didst begin to collapseth.

‘Why do evil bad guys’ hideouts always do that?’ quoth Scoot.

‘Tradition,’ quoth Nori.

‘I believe Herr Doktor hath damaged the foundation,’ spake Matt. ‘I suggest thou findeth a way out and fast.’

And so the God of Modern Day Catastrophists didst vanish from their midst.

NEXT TIME: Booby the Vampire-Slayer...
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neko-sennin

03-31-2006, 03:47 PM

CHAPTER 7
‘I am told that there is a Spooky Door in the dungeon,’ quoth the Stranger.

‘Art thou ready?’ quoth Scoot.

‘Why do people always ask that question right before doing something very unwise?’ asked Pookie, for the entire castle was about to collapse, yet they were about to venture deeper underground.

‘Tradition,’ quoth Scoot.

And so the Dudes went forth into the dungeon of Castle von Färtnøkker, and therein was a stairway leading downward to a red Spooky Door.

‘Hark!’ quoth RJ. ‘This is most different from any we have encountered before.’

And beyond that Spooky Door was a stairway which led unto a blue Spooky Door. And beyond that Spooky Door was a stairway which led unto a green Spooky Door. And beyond that Spooky Door was a stairway which led unto a yellow Spooky Door. And beyond that Spooky Door was a stairway which led unto a purple Spooky Door. And beyond that Spooky Door was a stairway which led unto an orange Spooky Door. And beyond that Spooky Door was a stairway which led unto a black Spooky Door. And beyond that Spooky Door was a stairway…

‘Is it possible for these doors to get any spookier?’ quoth Pookie, for the Ultra Jolt had worn off, and his hair had returned to its normal length; no more was he Super Afro Man.

‘Ye had to ask…’ quoth Casey, as they came upon the spookiest door yet.

And beyond this Spooky Door, this last in a long series of different-colored Spooky Doors which led deeper underground, thirteen miles down, was a room in which there was a coffin.

And, of course, another Spooky Door.

‘I wonder if anyone hath been stuffed in that coffin…’ quoth Casey as he didst reach for the coffin lid.

‘No, dumbass!’ cried Nori.

And the coffin didst pop open, and a vampire with an alarm-clock time-bomb didst spring forth, saying, ‘Blah!’

And Booby didst pulleth out a wooden stake and jammeth it through the Vampire’s heart.

‘Where the fuck didst thou pull that stake from?’ cried Nori. ‘Out of thine ass?’

‘Dost thou not also keepeth thy weapons and items up thine ass?’ quoth Booby ‘I thought all heroes didst…’

And Booby was greatly embarrassed, and his face didst turn an awkward shade of red.

‘Hey dumbasses!’ quoth Nori. ‘Is anyone going to do something about the bomb? The alarm is about to go off!’

And the Dudes didst shrug their shoulders.

‘Come on, “Booby the Vampire Slayer”!’ quoth Casey. ‘Do something!’

‘I’ll handle this,’ quoth Scoot, and he didst hit the Snooze button as the clock struck thirteen o’clock. ‘No Problem!’

‘ ’Tis about fucking time, dumbass,’ quoth Nori.

‘Take this,’ quoth Scoot as he didst give Booby the Skeleton Key the vampire was holding. ‘Watch over the Spooky Door. Oh, and forget not to hit that Snooze button every five minutes or so. See ya!’

And so the Dudes went forth into the Spooky Door.

NEXT TIME: Grey Water...
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neko-sennin

04-01-2006, 03:40 PM

CHAPTER 8
And on the other side of the Spooky Door, the Dudes didst find themselves in a sewer.

‘Holy shit, Batman!’ cried Nori, ‘I praise the Gods of Hondo, that I have wings!’

‘I’ll second that,’ quoth Adria.

‘Speak for thyself,’ quoth Dirty Uncle Orty. ‘Now I’m gonna smell like shit all day.’

And Pookie didst whip out his Zippo lighter—

‘Don’t shoot! Don’t light a match!’ cried Nori. ‘For this place hath more gas than a herd of sacred cows!’

‘Then how the hell shall we see what we art doing?’ quoth he.

‘Aye,’ quoth Casey, ‘for I am afraid of the dark!’

‘ ’Tis not so dark in here,’ quoth Myles the Unbeliever, ‘for the walls of this sewer gloweth green.’

‘Fuckin’ A!’ quoth Nori. ‘What in the name of a perverted, diver-molesting walrus was Dr Färtnøkker doing in that lab of his?’

‘May we never know…’ quoth Scoot.

‘I am told that there was a sewer which leadeth unto the junkyard from whence Dr Färtnøkker didst find the parts for his twisted creations,’ quoth the Stranger. ‘If we wander around at random, we might findeth the way.’

‘Dr Färtnøkker said that he had more than one Machine,’ quoth Richard. ‘Could it be that we may yet face more of his little toys…’

And so the Dudes didst follow the eerily-lit sewer passages, and the green darkness didst engulf them.

‘These sewers art really creepy, not to mention crappy,’ quoth Yoco. ‘I hope there’s nothing down here…’

‘This sewer runneth underneath a mad scientist’s castle…’ quoth Dirty Uncle Orty, ‘There’s bound to be something down here.’

‘Shut up,’ quoth the Stranger, ‘ye talk too much.’

‘Too late,’ quoth Nori.

For that was when the Dudes first heard the sound that was approaching them from behind.

‘Great,’ quoth Adria. ‘Now what?’

‘Look not at me,’ quoth Myles, ‘for ’tis thine imagination, sis, not mine.’

And it came to pass that the water down the tunnel behind them was now alive with movement, for all the fish everyone hath flushed down the toilet art back, and they art really pissed.

‘Holy shit!’ cried Nori. ‘Radioactive mutant zombie-fish!’ For they were indeed glowing the same eerie green as the rest of the sewer. ‘And I bet they just loveth to sexually assault scuba-divers!’

‘Where the hell didst that one come from, Nori?’ quoth Casey.

‘I’ll handle this!’ quoth RJ, and he didst aim his Hyper-X Buttplate at them. And as Yoco didst whip out his Zippo lighter, he cried, ‘Fire in the hole!’

‘Oh boy!’ cried Casey. ‘A fire!’

‘Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!’ cried Nori as the Dudes didst run for dear life from the colossal blue fireball which didst engulf the tunnel behind them, but it was catching up with them too quickly…

And then it didst fizzle out and runneth out of gas.

‘Well,’ quoth Richard. ‘That was rather anticlimactic.’

‘But… how… jade… fuckin’… giraffe…’ quoth Nori, ‘ran… out of gas?’

And the Dudes didst shrug their shoulders.

‘How the hell art we going to get out of here?’ quoth Casey.

‘I know not the symbols on these walls,’ quoth the Stranger, ‘for I am told they giveth directions to the Junkyard.’

‘Great,’ muttered Nori. ‘Now tell me again, Scoot, why didst we drag this guy along? What kind of guide art thou?’

But before Scoot couldst reply, a ghostly figure didst appear before them further down the tunnel, and it was heading right for them.

‘Eek! A ghost!’ cried Dirty Uncle Orty.

‘Scoot!… Scoot!…’ moaned the vaguely familiar apparition.

‘Trampus Canaster? Is that ye?’ quoth Scoot.

‘Aye…’ quoth the apparition, for ’twas indeed the Ghost of Trampus Canaster.

‘I don’t believe it!’ quoth Myles the Unbeliever.

‘Who the fuck is Trampus Canaster?’ quoth Orty.

‘He was the first Pope of Hondo, dumbass!’ quoth Nori.

‘Show thee some respect,’ quoth Casey.

‘Ha! Scoot, this time thou canst not thwacketh me with thy staff!’ quoth the Ghost of Trampus.

But Scoot didst try anyway.

‘I am come to lead thee through the Sewers, that thou may’st continue thy quest,’ quoth the apparition.

And there was heard behind them the sound of a thousand toilets flushing.

‘Oh shit! Oh shit!’ cried Nori as the Dudes didst once more dash down the sewer tunnel for dear life.

‘Ye said it!’ quoth Richard. ‘Let us get the hell outta Dodge!’

‘This way!’ quoth the Ghost of Trampus, and he didst lead them in a race against a tidal wave of raw sewage (or Grey Water, as it is known in some circles) to the exit.

And he didst lead the Dudes unto a Spooky Door, and hidden in a crack in the wall was a Skeleton Key.

‘Hurry!’ cried Casey.

And the Dudes didst escape thru the Spooky Door, and they didst find themselves in the Junkyard.

‘Shut the fucking door, dumbass!’ cried Nori.

And Scoot didst shut the fucking door behind him, and the Dudes couldst hear the wave of shit hit the other side of the Spooky Door with a mighty whump!

And on the other side, the Dudes didst find themselves in a vast junkyard filled with piles of old appliances and machines.

‘Stay thee here, Myles,’ quoth Scoot as he didst hand him the Skeleton Key, ‘lest thou seeth even more things thou doth not wish to believe in.’

There were was no word of disagreement from Myles the Unbeliever.

And it came to pass that as the Dudes wandered through the Junkyard, they were attacked by an army of evil appliances. Evil toasters, washers, dryers, refrigerators, fans, microwaves, all didst rise up against the Dudes.

‘What the hell didst this guy used to do for Science Fair Projects?’ quoth Pookie.

‘I believe he didst transport his school to another dimension,’ quoth Richard.

And the Dudes didst power up and do battle with the army of evil appliances. With their combined might (and with liberal doses of Kungfucius’ power pills), the Dudes didst prevail and return the evil appliances to the junk from which they came.

And so the Dudes didst pass on through the Junkyard unmolested, until they came upon (surprise, surprise) another Spooky Door.

‘Whew,’ sighed Casey. ‘I’m glad that’s over.’

‘Shut up,’ quoth the Stranger, ‘ye talk too much.’

And it came to pass that the Junkyard Dogs didst appear, and didst snarl at them with gleaming white fangs and yellow glowing eyes.

‘I knew this looked too easy…’ quoth Nori.

‘Dr Färtnøkker hath given us dominion over his boneyard,’ barked the leader of the Junkyard Dogs. ‘None may pass this way without our permission!’

‘Well,’ quoth Scoot, ‘may’st we have thy permission?’

‘No!’ snarled the leader.

‘Eh,’ quoth Scoot. ‘ ’Twas worth a try…’

‘Yeah?’ quoth Richard, ‘Well I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but Dr Färtnøkker’s dead, and thou wilt be too, if thou getteth in our way!’

And so the Dudes didst prepare to do battle with the Junkyard Dogs—

But the demonic dogs were powerful spell-casters, and one of them didst cast a Level Nine Ice Spell on the Dudes, freezing them in their tracks.

And it came to pass, just as all looked lost, that a black shimmering panther, a shadowy feline nightmare, didst descend upon the Junkyard Dogs, snarling and hissing ancient curses at them.

‘Oh no!’ cried the one of the Junkyard Dogs. ‘ ’Tis Lydia! Let us get the hell out of here!’

For not even the most powerful of the Junkyard Dogs was any match for her dark powers, and their concentration was broken, and so too was their Ice Spell.

‘Holy high-rollin’ horse-fuck!’ cried Nori. ‘Who is that?’

And Liddy didst curse up a blue streak as she merrily pursued the terrified hellhounds, unleashing a chain of profanities that cannot be translated into the words of men. And they couldst tell that she was just warming up.

‘No fucking way!’ cried Nori, for she knew that she had been outdone.

‘Damn!’ cried Richard. ‘That cat doth know how to curse!’

‘Fuckin’ A right!’ quoth Casey.

And the Dudes were left standing alone before the Spooky Door.

‘Well,’ quoth Scoot, ‘that was interesting…’

And the Demigod David didst appear before them with his Anti-Gravity Cape, which didst give him the power to fly and be dim, and said unto them: ‘Hail Dudes! I am come to stand watch over this door, for ’twill take all of thee to overcome the challenges which lie ahead. Go forth, Dudes, and don’t let the door kick ye in ass!’

And so it came to pass that the Demigod David didst keep watch over the Skeleton Key.

NEXT TIME: All Aboard the Mystery Train...
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neko-sennin

04-02-2006, 10:23 PM

CHAPTER 9
On the other side of the Spooky Door, the Dudes didst find themselves in an abandoned train station.

‘At last, we are come unto the Twylight City…’ quoth the Stranger. ‘I have only heard of this place, but I am told that there is a train that doth run from here unto places even deeper in this realm where no shadow falleth…’

In front of the station was an ancient-looking black steam locomotive marked No. 86. For to Scoot it looked as if it didst belong on a lonely winter night run, rolling thru a blizzard-swept dark forest.

‘Good,’ quoth Casey, as he didst step aboard the Mystery Train. ‘Let us get going.’

And so the Dudes didst take the last train out of town, boarding the Mystery Train and walking among its dimly-lit cars.

Yet the views didst perpetually change when they didst look out the windows, and they didst feel as if they were the first to ride this mysterious train in ages.

And it came to pass that the Dudes didst ride the Red-Eye Express even deeper into the realm of The Man.

And they didst arrive in a town so small, thou wouldst miss it on the highway if thou blinked.

And so Scoot and Richard didst go unto a garage and didst temper the HellRazor, and the Stranger didst lend his psychic powers to balance the HellRazor’s energy harmonics, and maketh it more powerful than before.

And Scoot didst hold the New and Improved HellRazor over his head in accordance with the Thirty-Seventh Commandment.

‘Groovy,’ quoth he.

And that was when They came unto town, for They were all of one mind and didst not have any use for individuality. And They were led by Shmiles Shmowen the Damned, for in his broken state, his mind was the brain-dead source of all of Them.

‘Holy fuck-suckers!’ cried Nori. ‘I knew Shmiles Shmowen was damned, but…’

And They didst attack the town, assimilating people by biting them in the ass. And in this way They didst assimilate the people, for a time had come when nobody was real, and They were legion upon the earth.

‘Hark! How terrible!’ cried the Stranger. ‘What hath The Man done to them?’

For the Dudes were surrounded by an army of people who didst shuffle around with the groping hands and glazed eyes of brain-dead zombies, muttering hollow phrases from TV commercials.

‘These people,’ quoth Nori, ‘have not the brains the Gods gave a fucking Casey!’

‘Come with us. Join Us…’ quoth Shmiles. ‘There is no use resisting. Wouldn’t ye like to be a Pepper, too?’

‘Ha! Biteth my shiny metal ass!’ cried RJ.

‘No!’ quoth Scoot, ‘for these poor people art under the curse of The Man. We must find some other way to fight this.’

‘Aye,’ quoth Richard. ‘Much as I hate to sayeth, ’tis not their fault. But how shalt we defeat an army of hostages?’

‘Behold! For the Sons and Daughters of Zion art upon thee!’ cried Shmiles. ‘Resistance is futile! Thou canst not defeat Us!’

‘…For We are many!’ chanted They.

And it came to pass that Scoot was pursued by Evil-Cam, which didst hunt him through forest and field, and he didst escape it atop a flatbed truck trailer.

‘I am mad as hell, and I am not gonna taketh it anymore!’ cried Scoot. ‘This evil hath chased me thru five fucking books! Now, who’s with me?’

And the Dudes issued forth a mighty battle cry, and they didst beat up Evil-Cam, and didst sent it away yiping.

‘But what about Them, ye dumbasses?’ quoth Nori.

‘Zoom! Zoom! Zoom!’ sang They in a monotonous voice. ‘Special low interest rates available. Our prices art low, low, low! Everything must go! Shoppeth smart… Shoppeth S-Mart.’

‘I believe ’twould be my turn,’ quoth Dirty Uncle Orty as he didst sling his Gothic Axe. ‘Stand aside and let a pro show thee how ’tis done!’

And he didst don the Mulambo Mask of Muntu and didst come in the spirit of Uhuru and Ushindani, and the Dudes didst become Pocket-Poodle and the Pig-Stinging Jellyfish, and it was a very good name for a band. (props Dave Berry)

And it came to pass that the Pig-Stinging Jellyfish didst play a kickass punk rock show, and didst teach the people to defend themselves.

And They didst remember to be who They am, and didst kick out the jams with them.

‘Nnooo!’ cried Shmiles Shmowen the Damned. ‘We hath 0.9% APR on approved credit!… And free pendant keychains …Buh! Buh!’

And so the Dudes didst take the Skeleton Key from Shmiles Shmowen’s twitching hand.

And after traveling the world in their Endless Highway Tour, which didst have t-shirts with destinations writ front and back, and up and down the sleeves, the Dudes didst at last stumble upon another Spooky Door.

‘Guard thee the Spooky Door, RJ,’ quoth Scoot, ‘and watch over the Skeleton Key well.’

And so it came to pass that RJ didst keep watch over the Skeleton Key and the Spooky Door, and the Dudes didst pass through.

NEXT TIME: The Mighty Olds...
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neko-sennin

04-04-2006, 11:54 PM

CHAPTER 10
And on the other side, the Dudes didst find themselves standing on an empty stretch of highway.

‘The road windeth ever on…’ quoth Scoot, ‘under sun and wind and stars…’

‘Traveler, there is no path,’ quoth the Stranger.

‘All paths art made by walking,’ finished Richard.

‘Then why the fuck art we just sitting here talking?’ quoth Nori. ‘Let us get our asses in gear!’

‘Shut up,’ quoth the Stranger. ‘Ye talk too much,’

And it came to pass that a lone tumbleweed didst blow down the highway, bouncing and knocking Nori down.

‘Ow! Fuck!’ cried Nori as she didst struggle underneath yon roaming plant. ‘Get it off! Get it off!’

And it came to pass that Casey didst grab the tumbleweed, and it didst bite his hand.

‘Ow! Shit!’ cried he as he didst shake his hand frantically, and yet the tumbleweed wouldst not let go.

And Richard didst kick the little fucker, and to this day, no one knoweth where it came to land.

‘Thanks, bro,’ quoth Casey as he didst nurse his wounded hand.

‘Ha!’ cried Nori. ‘Take that, thou ass-sniffing, elephant-porking felch queen!’

‘Shut up,’ quoth the Stranger, ‘ye talk too much.’

‘Ye shut up!’ cried Nori, ‘And wilt thou quit… saying… that…’

And that was when she and her fellow dumbasses didst notice that they were under attack by an army of killer tumbleweeds.

‘ ’Tis weed-whackin’ time!’ cried Yoco as he didst draw the Edge.

‘Fuck the bullshit!’ quoth Scoot as he didst draw his New and Improved HellRazor. ‘ ’Tis time to mow down!’

And the Dudes didst power up and mow down wave after wave of the dreaded flora.

‘We canst not keep this up!’ cried Dirty Uncle Orty, for he was hacking and slashing with all his might. ‘This land is infested with the little shagnasty shrubberies!’

‘Damn their oily hides!’ cried Nori.

And Adria didst whip out her Zippo lighter, and said unto the killer tumbleweeds: ‘See this and tremble! For I cometh with the fire!’

‘Fire!’ cheered the Dudes.

And at the sight of the flames, the ever-migrating herd of undead weeds didst suddenly find a better direction to blow.

‘Hell yeah! Ye better run!’ quoth Richard. ‘For we have more where that came from!’

‘Damn straight!’ quoth Nori.

And it came to pass that the God of David Letterman’s Hairpiece didst appear before them as little Maggie Simpson, and said unto them in the voice of Darth Vader: ‘This is indeed a disturbing universe… Hail, Dudes! Thou hast done well so far, but there is still a long road ahead of thee.’

And Matt didst fold his arms and nod his head and wink, and a boat, a great battleship of an Olds, didst appear before them.

‘I give unto thee the Mighty Olds, for ’twas made back in the day, when cars were real cars, and cherry-bombs were real cherry-bombs. It hath A-C and a kickass stereo system. What else dost thou need?’

‘Aye,’ quoth Scoot. ‘Yea, tho I have no license, I shall take life by the wheel and drive us unto the next Spooky Door, and whatever cometh our way!’

‘Then go forth, O Scootly One,’ spake the God of Cops That Don’t Beat the Shit Out of Black People (Both of Them), ‘for Derrick and I must exploreth new Spooky Doors. Follow the path wherever it leadeth… It is thy destiny…’

And Matt didst vanish from their midst.

‘That’s a good question,’ quoth Richard. ‘Where dost the path lead?’

‘Which way…’ quoth the Stranger, and he didst quantemplate. ‘We must go… that way to findeth the next Spooky Door.’

And so the Dudes didst pile into the Mighty Olds, that they might go that way.

‘Let’s roll,’ quoth Scoot. And as he stood looking down the road in the golden twilight of the storm clouds on the horizon, he said unto them: ‘Thou’rt in for one hell of a ride. Dudes, crank it up and roll out!’

And so it came to pass that the Dudes didst burn rubber and drive off into the sunset at a reasonable and prudent speed.

‘This sound system doth almost kick as much ass as the Ort-Mobile!’ quoth Dirty Uncle Orty.

‘I wouldn’t looketh behind us if I were thee,’ quoth Casey. ‘We art about to have company.’

For there were several highway patrol cars behind them, coming upon them with flashing lights and sirens.

‘Pay The Man!’ cried the cops as they didst open fire on the Mighty Olds.

‘Thou’rt not going to tell us to surrender like that cowardly bitch Fuct, art thou?’ quoth Adria as she didst power up and shieldeth the Olds with her energy.

‘Fuck tha police!’ quoth Richard as he didst buckle his seatbelt for the first time in their road trip. ‘We canst out-drive those pigs any day!’

‘Let us see if their crumple zones art functioning properly…’ quoth Scoot. ‘Power of Steel, indeed!’

For the Mighty Olds was the last of a breed, made of real metal, and those new plastic cars were no match for its might.

‘Yoink!’ quoth Nori as she didst flit over to the lead car and didst steal the Skeleton Key from the Chief.

And it came to pass that Scoot didst run them off the road with his insane and reckless maneuvers.

‘Freedom!’ cried Pookie, for he didst remember their last battle with the authorities, and how much it had sucked. ‘Straight ahead, Scoot! and hang a right at the vanishing point!’

And the Dudes didst roll on under the stars, finding shortcuts to nowhere past where all the road sings end, through all the strange places in between, just running with the wind.

At last the Dudes didst come upon a Spooky Door, and there they didst stop.

‘Orty,’ quoth Scoot. ‘To thee I entrust the Skeleton Key. Watch it well.’

‘Aye,’ quoth Dirty Uncle Orty. ‘I will. Go get that cock-knocker for me, Scoot.’

With that, the Dudes didst pass thru the Spooky Door.

NEXT TIME: The Sweet Lady of Twylight...
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neko-sennin

04-05-2006, 10:59 PM

CHAPTER 11
And on the other side, the Dudes didst find themselves on a dock, and a foghorn didst blow, for a deep mist didst swirl around them.

‘The Misty Main…’ quoth the Stranger. ‘At last, we art getting close…’

For docked in front of them was the sweet Lady of Twylight, and tattered shadows billowed from her mast.

‘That fucked-up derelict is our ride?’ quoth Nori. ‘Thou’rt braver than I thought.’

‘This ghost ship may be our only chance to find The Man in time,’ quoth Scoot, ‘for in my quantemplations, I’ve sensed that the enemy is about to make his big push, and we must find a way to push back.’

‘I fear Scoot may be right,’ quoth the Stranger. ‘I too senseth time running out.’

And so the Dudes didst board the Lady of Twylight, and didst embark on a voyage into the Misty Main. The shades of men seemed to man the decks, and didst guide the ship on its journey unto Nowhere.

And the Dudes didst wander the decks, and it came to pass that they didst discover a Spooky Door standing at the Lady’s bow.

‘This is way too fuckin’ easy…’ quoth Nori, for the Skeleton Key was clutched in the eerily beautiful bow statue’s hand.

‘Shut up,’ quoth the Stranger, ‘ye talk too much.’

And it came to pass that the Lady of Twylight didst awaken, and her spectral form didst materialize between the Dudes and the Spooky Door.

‘Thou shalt pass no farther…’ quoth she. ‘Thou hast boarded my ship, flagship of all ship graveyards. Prepare thee to spend all eternity wandering these decks, and know that thou wilt never set foot on land again!…’

‘Bullshit!’ quoth Richard, and he didst power up.

‘Fuck that!’ quoth Scoot, and he didst draw the HellRazor. ‘Thou knoweth what time it is!’

‘ ’Tis the Eleventh Hour…’ quoth Adria absently. ‘Soon we shall see for whom the bell doth toll…’

And the Dudes didst power up to do battle with the Sweet Lady of Twylight.

‘Give thee up,’ quoth she. ‘Thou canst not win! For no mortal man may hinder me!’

‘Fortunately for us, I am not a man…’ quoth the Stranger, and at last the cloak and hood didst fall by the wayside.

‘Narayana?’ quoth Scoot, for he didst recognize the Goddess’s Hand.

‘Come on, Adria,’ quoth she, ‘let us kick this bitch’s ass!’

‘Reow! Cat-fight!’ quoth Casey.

And the Goddess didst appear and smack him.

And it came to pass that the Goddess’s Hand and Adria didst power up, and smote the ghost Lady with great psychic energy.

‘Damn! ’Tis a good thing we didn’t leave Adria at that last Spooky Door!’ quoth Nori.

And Adria didst prophesy: ‘Heed my words, for Doug shall say unto the guy with the coffee mug: “Thou big lug! Oh no! Down on the rug! Look out! ’Tis a bug!” And Doug didst shrug, and he sayeth, “Fear not, for all he wanteth is a hug.”

‘For the scoffers shalt shrug, but the attack doth always come from the direction thou’rt not looking. And all wilt want to know, Is the Black Box lying?

‘But the bed and the book both demandeth another quarter, and still the stuffed animals on the wall shall laugh at thee. For thy plight hath ever been a bad hand dealt by The Man. And the desklamp shalt be no comfort, for thou must read to the book. Know thou that whilst thou wasted thy time taking dot-tests, thy teachers were drinking psychedelic coffee and juggling penguins for the purpose of betting?

‘Boil thee two cups of water. Add thee noodles and cook, stirring occasionally. Remove from stove and add seasoning.’

‘I have played my hand,’ quoth Adria as she didst pick up the Skeleton Key from off of the deck, ‘and now I shall watch over the Key to this Spooky Door for thee.’

And so it came to pass that Adria didst keep the Skeleton Key, and the Dudes didst pass through yet another Spooky Door, drawing ever closer to a terrible confrontation with The Man.

* * * *

Meanwhile, as the Dudes were entering another realm of The Man’s dark dom