Flashfic XII

[Dream Brother]

Here's the deal. Many of us are writers and are working on large projects. Sometimes we need to practice writing small: that one scene, that one moment. We need to be able to craft the meaningful instances.

So what is this? It like the Rate your Rap thread in the music section. Only here we're going to rate your Flash Fiction, talk about it, break it down, tell you if it sucks, tell you if it's great, and inevitably post our own works and expect the same.

Rules:

Check the theme, which will be posted on the first page, and write within the confines it provides.


Your pieces can be a maximum of 400 words. We've all got lives and will not be able to rate enough people if they write too much more than that. Use the 'word count' feature on Microsoft word to know your word count.


You can only post one entry per theme, the highest rated entry will choose the next theme.


You may not rate/review your own work.


Add a rating out of ten at the end of your "review".


Be honest, but not rude. Flaming is not acceptable.


You do not have to enter a flashfic to rate.


Have fun. Compete. Try and outdo your neighbour.


Week's Theme:

'What's he building in there?'

Deadline for submission: 20th June

Additions:

Do not go over the word limit. Those who do shall be disqualified.

^ This point in particular is important. Do not go over the word-limit, under any circumstances. If you feel you must: Write a brand new entry under the word limit and post that one instead, and make a little thread for your too long entry or something. Not only is going over the limit unfair to those who stick by it slavishly (as everyone should), but obeying it like the law it is will make you a better writer, not only by teaching you to omit needless words, but by making you much more aware of pacing, composition and which parts of the story does what story-technically. Trust me on this one. Sometimes you gotta push for the burn.

And again: Rating, although not compulsory, is highly, highly recommended. Not only will it help you verbalize a lot of fiction-y issues you might never have thought to verbalize before and thus help you spot what your problems might be in your own writing, but your fellow writers will love you for it.

Short ratings are better than no ratings, as long as they're honest and constructive.

Let the saga continue.

Past Flashfiction Archive for reference and the current points table can be seen here (http://forums.narutofan.com/showpost.php?p=13103615&postcount=1). You should also feel free to chat about your entries (or anything you want to talk about at all, really) right here (http://forums.narutofan.com/showthread.php?t=374427).

[Tyrael]

What's he building in there?

‘A bridge?’

But as I look on I realise that the purpose of a bridge is to, in fact, facilitate transition over geographical challenge of sorts and this construct does no such thing-to imagine so would be farcical.

‘A building?’

But in my folly I see that it is no such a construct, and, to delve the depth of the cliché, it is the wrong tree up which I bark. My guesses, I observe, are possibly leaning towards an example of boxed thinking and to meddle more in the abstract may be beneficial.

‘An intellect?’

An intellect? Beith this a pretentious construct of nothing more a means to stroke the artists ego? Is it a work that exists solely for the audience’s interpretation and by definition becomes redundant upon its conception? It is not a thing that defies measurement.

‘A career?’

Though there is indeed feasibility to measuring careers, it is at best an exercise of pure subjectivity; not that I mean to imply absolute objectivity exists. Of course not. But perhaps I can find some sort of more universal scale and a construct that may relate to such a thing.

‘A pass in A-level Mathematics?’

Could this possibly be something of which he is building? Could this be the construct the man before me slaves over tirelessly over? Unlikely, as I feel I may have misinterpreted my own idea of going abstract.
‘A barometer?’

Ah, turning the whole measurement idea on its head, interesting. I have to say that I find it highly unlikely that here in doors, however, a barometer would be of much good. Unless some insolent cur has been rebellious enough to build a door.

‘A door?’

Of course not, such an act would be both appalling and dreadful. A door? Even thinking of it makes me cringe, such a thing would imply the impulse to escape like some caged wild animal.

‘A nuclear reactor?’

As it happens this place runs on a self-sufficient energy source. So not only would such a venture be pointless in the extreme but it would also be rash and dangerous.

‘A baby?’

Dirty bastard, there ain’t no woman.

‘A bridge?’

No, I have explored that avenue fully.

The man moves out of the way, opening up a full view of his creation.

Oh, he was just building a dog.

Wait, building a dog?

Yeah, about this piece...

*Runs away.*

[Batman]

Don't ask why I put it in this format. I just had to. :pek.

.

.

. reasons will come later. :P
http://img127.imageshack.us/img127/5544/fanfic2ah0.gif

[straken]

MS word count: 400

He stared at her, saying nothing. Well, he had nothing to say after all. She glared back at him, the glint of anger all too clear in her eyes.
The man said, “Joan, listen. Yesterday’s event was not intentional.” He attempted to wrap his arm around the woman’s shoulders. If he could just do that. If he could just embrace her, then everything would be forgotten. However, nothing in the world goes according to our wishes. Joan slapped his hand away, and said, “Don’t touch me.”
“Joan! You gotta believe me!” he pleaded. “I did not mean to be there! We were only fooling around because of the celebration! There were no motives in my actions!” To lend realism to his act, the man made a decision. He sank down to his knees, in what he thought to be a gesture of remorse. This should soften her heart, he thought. Joan looked at his performance with wordlessly, with only the twinkle in her eyes suggesting mild amusement at his display.
“Huh,” she said skeptically. She did not believe a word of what he said. It was all a farce. It was already the umpteenth time she had caught him outside at night. Not that she was a stalker of course. Perhaps, she thought, it was God’s Will that showed her the man’s true nature. The woman remembered clearly, that one month back, she was also the victim of his flowery words and cool front. It had been an instant love. The woman started going out with him, naively believing that she was the only one she had. Soon after, she caught the man with other women numerous times. Each time, the man had merely apologized, and each time she had decided to forgive and forget. Not this time.
“Well Michael,” Joan said. “Whatever your intentions are, I think we’ve been through enough. You can go back to womanizing, or whatever you have been doing for the past month. I’m going my own way.” With that, she turned her back on him stalked out.
“Wait! Joan! You have to believe me!”
Joan stopped. “What are you trying to do?” she asked.
“To build trust between our relationship,” the man replied soothingly.
Joan paused thoughtfully, allowing Michael to think that he had won her over. Then she smiled condescendingly at him.
“Well, fuck trust and fuck you,” she said venomously before walking off.

[Pintsize]

“The car door closed behind me, but I knew that Mike wasn’t coming. “That place is cursed, job or no job” he had said, sweating. I hadn’t heard all the stories Mike had growing up, but even I was bothered at night in the ghost town. Almost all my flashlight passed over was savagely vandalized. This town did not go quietly.

“I was in the town because someone had hired me to be there. An old woman had come into my office, and pushed me money “Someone is in the lighthouse” she said. When I asked if they weren’t supposed to, she told me that no one had lived there for fifty years. That was when I told Mike.

“I was halfway to the lighthouse when I saw it light up. The lamp wasn’t working, so the top wasn’t visible, but some of the lights turned on, and I could see the inside through smoked up windows. Some of the boards were loose; there were some holes that needed repairing.

“Hello? Is anybody in there?” I said once, and again when I was twenty paces closer. A window opened, and I turned my flashlight on it to see a dirty face with long knotted hair. It was a woman.

“Excuse me, I’d like to ask you some questions!” As soon as I said this, she pulled her head inside the window and shut it. “If you don’t come down and talk to me, I’ll have to call the police!”

“I heard some rummaging inside the lighthouse while I made my way to the door, which was locked. After a few tries, I raised my flashlight to look for any ground level windows; there were two and I broke into the one closest to me, which opened into a foyer. At this time, there was a large ripping sound, and then I heard the hiss of escaping steam briefly. I quickly made my way up the stairs, and opened the door at the top. The woman was wearing a heavy work apron and a welding mask…

The man in the chair stopped talking long enough for the officer writing the report to catch up. “The woman was building something” he said.

“What was it?” asked the officer over the top of his pad.

“You’ll never believe me if I told you.”

“Try me” said the officer, amused.

“Alright.”

This isn't my best piece, but oh well. :zaru

[Anon]

Benn wanted to give this a try for a while, that was one difficult theme though, everything I thought of seemed so cliche.

400 words


Curiosity may have killed the cat but mankind seems to have come through with little more than a few skinned knees and the occasional bloody nose; this consoled Daryl as he sat hiding in the bushes outside the silent grey building. The building itself was not particularly big or imposing and lacked even one window but it was what was inside that interested him. Daryl lived nearby and could hear the strange whistling and pounding which emanated from the building from the moment the grey haired man entered the building in the morning to the moment he left in the evening.

From watching the man for weeks Daryl had quickly come to the realisation that he left each night at ten o'clock on the dot and returned each morning at eight without the slightest deviation. It was now two minutes to ten and Daryl was feverishly imagining what could be inside for the umpteenth time when his watch hit ten. True to form the man emerged immediately and , just as he had every night previously, deposited his key in the knot hole of the solitary tree which stood before the building like a gnarled sentry before making his way out the gate and down the street.

The second the man was out of sight Daryl sprang from his hiding spot and darted for the tree, stealth forgotten in the gleeful face of excitement. A few seconds later he stood in the tree's shadow with his hand frantically searching about inside the hole until he was successful. With key in hand he sprinted to door and swiftly attacked the keyhole dropping the key after missing the with his shaking hand.

The click of the door opening sounded like victory to Daryl as he edged inside to be greeted by a dimly lit dark corridor. The only thing in the corridor was was another door at the other end which had a note attached to it which he couldn't quite make out. As he was walking towards it the door behind him suddenly burst open; what he saw made Daryl's hair stand on end and he screamed as he ran towards the door. Just as he reached the end of the corridor something hit him hard on the back of the head and as he blacked out he thought he understood the strange message pinned to the door which simply said:

“Meow”

enjoy

[graysocks]

I'm not happy with this at all but i felt obliged to myself to submit something. It ended up so much more drab than it started :zaru

To whom that finds this note - for this scene - forgive me. I cannot bare to live after this day.

My room is on ward 16, all my details to deal with my remains should be present there. Dr Bruce Palmer should have his case investigated with it.

I'd been observing Dr. Palmer for some weeks now. His behaviour has been what most would see as quirky but i knew it to be madness. His pretentious white robes were plastered with blood each day for months. The red gleam would be applied after he would clank and clutter in the lab. Don't think of me as a coward as i had probed him with each event. He would just brush it off with “I'm just having a bad day with my project.”

My questions were never satisfied to the end after all. He would tell me “you must stay in your bed with that heart of yours, mate”. He was right of course, but what is my integrity worth? I had to take action, and with this i pursued Palmer. Today is when i refused to end as one of his “projects”.

I sneaked in the lab behind him, expecting only the worst. I seen test tubes and beaker filled with blood. Human, red, heart pumping blood. How could Palmer play with this! This was my duty, as the only man with vision in this building. Creeping behind him, i placed my feet in time with the crack of each nerve he worked on – the beast had no idea. With my eyes peering i had to pay attention to the throat of the dog as i slit it - now forgive me for my lack of insight.

With his body at my feet and his blood splashed upon my face, the project of the lab was simple in view. I don't know what to believe or tell you now: my heart is failing me in more ways than one. I am not leaving this for the doctors leeching benefit, but only to leave a fragment of my own sanity.

I know i am a coward, forgive me.

Bruce, i hope that i will see you at the other end to beg myself.

[Dream Brother]

Well, the deadline for submissions has passed, lads. Get rating.

[Tyrael]

FFXII-Now 50% Scottish! And I am going to be really harsh this week, in a really critical mood at the moment and perhaps overly evil.

Tyrael-1/10

You let this guy compete? Surely there has to be some sort of quality control in here.

Batman-7/10

Loved the imagery and symbolism and, as ever, your prose makes for a nice read. Other than that I got a garbled picture and it seemed like the ambiguity you pore into the piece is a bit too much-I feel like the point is smudged by the amount of details. Either way, was a good piece, felt like it needed to be longer to achieve what it could achieve.

Straken-4/10

I think this is an improvement, putting spaces between your paragraphs would increase readability, but overall you were not subtle enough with your characters-they come across as wooden. Your prose is also in need of sharpening.

Pintsize-5/10

Interesting and potentially great concept, marred by poor phrasing and a sense of real aimlessness. I don't feel it grabbed me as much as it could have.

AnonX-5/10

Glad to see no overly long paras in this, your first sentence is brilliant and the return to theme was good. Other than that the characterisation skittered between very good and slightly off and the atmosphere and texture of the piece could have easily been stronger.

Greysocks-6/10

I liked this-atmospheric and strange. Good use of the scientist's name. Could use a bit more vivid imagery and texturing. Please capitalise your Is.

My brain is dying, so the above feedback may not make sense/be productive.

[Anon]

Well here are my ratings

Tyrael

Somewhat amusing and interesting to read as well as having nice flowing writing however the lack of any real plot, characterization or ,to an extent sense, leaves it coming across to me as something a bit rushed.

2.5/10

Batman

Very nice writing and word choice. The story was unexpected and genuinely enjoyable to read, however I agree with Tyrael in that it could have done with being longer as, to me, it seemed as if the ending had to be cut down to fit the word limit which affected its impact.

7.5/10

straken

I would put a line between paragraphs to make them easier to read, there is an irony in me saying that as well.

You paced the scene well, and chose something appropriate to the short nature of the task. However I have a problem with your dialog, you jumped between formal and informal in the character's speech which makes them seem less realistic.

4/10

Pintsize

I liked the premise of the story and it was interesting, you also did a good job characterizing the narrator. The problem I have is that you tried something which was too much for a 400 word limit, you didn't have time to build up the atmosphere properly.

And just because this bugged me “You’ll never believe me if I told you.” is mixing tenses :)

5.5/10

Ryan Graysocks

Very good atmosphere and the way the narrative is set up adds to it well, the style is also good. The beginning is very good however I feel it would have benefited from a larger word limit as the ending comes more quickly than it seems it should have and feels slightly rushed.

6.5/10

[graysocks]

Most of my critique will be negative as that is what is important to hear really, so please don't take it that I don't like what you've written haha :zaru


Tyrael - 3/10


Your vocabulary, style and grammar show that you can write a great deal better than this but it wasn't really a story as sorts and I didn't really know where it was going, if anywhere. From your comments I think you already know this, i'll need to check out some of your other stuff for sure.


Batman - 7/10


Definitely the best writer of us here! Your style and language is fantastic, the only thing I could critique you on really was that it didn't grab me as such and it was a bit squashed together, but these could both be held accountable by the word limit. Sometimes overly descriptive pieces make me lose interest, but this is certainly personal preference. Perhaps though in a piece that must be so short it could be toned down.


Straken - 4/10


Like has been said a space between paragraphs does wonders. When I clicked the spoiler tag and seen a wall of text it all of a sudden becomes a chore to read: It puts the story in a bad opening light. I did though like the characterisation in this, it had quite a bit of depth for the space given to tell a story, although the flow was bumpy at times. I'd cut down on the words that end in "ly".


Pintsize - 6/10


There was a sense of urgency that I liked about this although it could have been better, also the ending was squashed in for me. You used the word "light" plenty of times, perhaps find an alternative to break up the repetition?


Anonx - 7/10


This was my favorite. Although Batman's piece had superior writing I liked this story better and the simplicity delivered. The linking of the first paragraph, which was very good, with the ending made me laugh although what happened in between could be more gripping. For a piece built on suspense I think there should be more of an urgency. Nice imagery.

[Batman]

Tyrael

I think you underestimate yourself. I don't agree with the others about this piece because there was a lot in there that I liked. Dictionary-Faries aside, there was a swaying abstract texture that ran throughout that at times was a dead center hit, with me at least. It was one I had to read twice, not because it was confusing but because I wanted to see if there was something else, something more that I might have missed. It's a nice little leap into the human brain of a person whose A: either trying too hard to discover what's being hidden from him, or B: has nothing else to do but concentrate on what's hidden before him. Despite the fact that you gave very little description, the image burned into my mind is very clear. Also there was a particular transition that I really liked. From a pass in A level mathematics to door. I thought that was well structured. The only real problem was the ending. It felt like you didn't know what to put there so you just put anything, emphasizing it's awkwardness by reminding us that 'building a dog' is weird. (something which you pretty much knew that we already know) I don't think you should have shown us what the end result was because nothing would come close to the highly 'built up' (pun intended) imaginative objects he'd been pondering.

7/10

Straken

The jump in and out of perspectives was handled pretty well, but I felt you spent too much time in the woman's mind. You were precise towards the front of the story but I felt it unravel in a bit of a sloppy fashion towards the end. I wanted to see more of their interaction and hear less of her thoughts. Also there are a few typographical problems that needed to be taken care of, as well as an explosion of adverbs towards the end of the piece. I know its tough to do in so few words, but I wanted you to flesh the story out a bit more because it feels a bit skeletal. I want to know what can make this story stand out. Why do I need to read THIS story over a different one about a man trying to save a relationship he's almost literally screwing up. I needed that uniqueness pop, and it just wasn't there for me.

4/10


Pintsize

I can only describe it as it felt like you were puttering through the story on awkward legs. It was very choppy and a bit tough to understand. I felt like you had an idea in your head but you didn't take the time to slow down and portray it. It was like you wanted to fit the story in but because of where you started, you were running out of words, so everything ended up being added in hasted. You should have started the story much later, like at the point when he's walking to the light house with the flashlight in hand. Then you would have had the ability to spend more time describing the ghost town and the area he's passing through, and the specter of a woman in the light house. We would have gotten a sharper picture of the exciting parts instead of what felt like a hazy after image.

3.5/10


Annox

Meow? I think that message is a bit cryptic to the point of confusing. If I'm missing something, I really don't get it. I think this one, like Ty's might have benefited from not telling us what it was simply because you don't have ample time to use 'said surprise' later. Anyways I think you need to play around with synonyms more. You have a pretty solid grasp of what you want to say, but I don't think you're taking enough liberties. The building is important, granted, but you don't have to call it the building every time. Describe it to us with a simile of a metaphor. Tell us how tall it is. Say is towered over him like one of his old nightmares. I want a bit more extra in what you're trying to say. There was also one thing that confused me. When he entered the building, did he shut the door? Because later on you say the door behind him burst open, but I thought he'd left it open. I dunno I maybe I'm reading too much into it. Anyways. Solid, readable, but a bit on the dry side.

5/10

graysocks


It could stand to have a bit of cleaning, but that was pretty damn interesting. I like the perspective. I enjoyed the discovery, and I loved the fact that it didn't feel like I was reading a letter. You have a very nice fragment in there that I liked when you were describing him seeing the blood in the test tubes. I enjoyed this piece. Just watch those typos. (There was also a small instance where you said "I seen" instead of "I saw" but I suppose that was because you were in the character's head and that is how he talks so I had to catch and remind myself of where I was)

7.5/10

[sel]

Graysocks - 8.5

Not bad at all my man. Opened nicely and kept me interested right until the end and you portrayed his feelings and emotions to us wonderfully. Apparently engagement is the right word - no idea. But you get the point. Can't seem to find anything that I can nit-pick you on really

AnonX - 8

Opening sentence was wonderful though felt a semi colon wasn't the best way to end it since it compromised flow a tad. That said I liked how you fit the theme in and ended it as you started. I don't know if you know of the Waits track that inspired this topic but was closest in nature to that.

Batman - 7

The first third/half of it was well written but there was nothing at all that special about it. From then on however, is where it got pretty good and ended in style.
On the picture thing - Please have a good reason. Had to quote then load in another page and it's a hassle.

Tyrael - 7

You got some abysmal ratings this week but in all honesty I found this a pretty good read. I think if you ended on "..woman" would have been nicer as that would have given a bit of a punchy ending as opposed to the dog thing which detracted from the whole precocious-bastard attitude that I love so much.

Pint - 6.5

Shame for you to be bringing up the rear since in all honesty it's nothing to be overly ashamed of. Plot was pretty decent but let down, by the way you wrote it I guess. Just didn't feel at all that right (Sorry for the lack of constructiveness in this).

Straken - 4.5

Big wall of text without any line breaks equals groans when the reader opens the page. That said you write fairly well though the storyline felt a tad contrived and consequently the way it linked back to the topic didn't ring too well.

Now back to Sgt. Pepper <3

[sel]

Closing this up now..

Graysocks - 7.125
Batman - 7.125
Anonx - 6.25

We have a tie! :zaru

[Batman]

Anyways. Here's my explanation for putting my entry in that format.

http://img67.imageshack.us/img67/3906/explainationfv5.jpg

When we got the theme, I wanted to try and incorporate it into my actual work process. Also I wanted to see if I could make something decent and thematic out of something trite. So I laid down the letters in red first, and built the story around it. I don't know if it worked. It almost ended up being a strange subliminal message, and I don't think anyone picked up on it. I was curious to see if anyone would notice it at a glance and spot something like that. :hmm?

Anyways the second paragraph was added because I needed the story to go on longer, but then I had to shorten it because it was messing up my message structure, and it was over the word limit. In doing this pointless challenge, I found it to be almost funny if a bit frustrating.

Of course when I tried to copy and paste the paragraph into the forum it changed the actual structure of the paragraph so I had to take a screencap of it to maintain the message on the left side. So that was my attempt at building a story around a framework rather than letting it flow organically.

[Anon]

that actually pretty impressive

[graysocks]

LOL that is real impressive yeah., i hadn't a clue.

[Tyrael]

Nicely done Batman, you done'd well. And you can also claim a prize in the LD prize parlour thing.

[Batman]

Oh snap! I can get a prize now? :awesome

[Tyrael]

Oh snap! I can get a prize now? :awesome

You've either got 3, 2.5 or 2 so, unless I've unlearned primary school level maths, yes, well done man.

[Dream Brother]

Well, the first time there was a tie was back during FFIV, I believe, where both Less and Batman came in second place. Mori decided to give them both 2 points, so I'll follow his example in this case and give both Batman and Graysocks 3, as technically they both came in first place.

And yeah, Batman does qualify for a prize now -- let me know if you want one Bats, or if you want to hold out to get more points for the other prize.

Congrats to Anonx too, of course, and all the rest of you who entered. Also cheers to Selly for tallying the results in the first place.

[sel]

Who's going to be choosing the theme?

[Batman]

Who's going to be choosing the theme?

I'm ninja-ing out of the responsibility:ninja vote for Graysocks. :awesome

[Dream Brother]

Alrighty then. Graysocks, choose a theme and then PM me it when you can.

[graysocks]

Damn it! Ok, gimme a day or so to think of something decent. Sneaky :arg