We Are In Love With Words

[mow]

Well i have to take this skeleton out of my closet, I love writing poetry and songs. For quite athe period of time , I was seriously consdering becoming a song writer, I used to write songs on a very daily basis, when evrr the muse hit me so to speak. Well eventually I just ran out of ideas plus the fact my laptop crashed with over 30 decent songs Ive written didnt help one bit. Anyhow I feel that The muse is knocking on my dor again and Ive been writing semi-okay lyrics recently.

Oklay i blab alot. Basically this thread is for you to post YOUR lyrics, YES YOU!! *points at him/her/it* You THE PEOPLE. Honeslty just post anythign you write down here. Share with us how the magnificent person you are functions in your own words. Dont worry, no one will flame you or joke at you, and if anyone attempts to, they will seriouly get punished. (Trust me I will personally lookout for you). Being the music addicats we aall are, Im sure you all experinced that guilty pleasure of changing the lyrics of your fav song ans adding your own (come on now, admit it, i saw you doing it through your balocny last night!)

So post! POST POST POST!

[mow]

From here out the terms song and poem, or any variations there of, are synonymous.

How this will work:
1. Songs will be posted and reviewed by members of the forum.
2. The review will be focused on a spesific aspect of songwriting.
3. Any questions/arguments or any general talk about the review and/or song will be held in the community thread as not to clutter this one. (this will make it easier to find the newest song)
4. As soon as a song is posted, a different member may post a 'save' spot. After two days they may edit in their song and review. In the 'save' post they may list the song they intend to review.

Rules:
1. NO FLAMMING/RIDCULING , im never angry but this will seriously tick me off :D
2. No spamming or posting other than reviews or 'save' spots. (discussion can be held in the community thread)
3. Reveiws should follow the standard format

Format for reviews:
Writer
Title of piece
(link to any legal audio clips if you have one)
The specific focus of review (what you want us to concntrate the most on)

The song itself (this should be in italics)

The review. (some people like to crit after each verse or stanza and this is also acceptable, but remember to make only the song italics)

[Cut Thru Me]

Ey cool thread moe, i would post some lyrics, if i had written any, really feel like writing some infact XD But looking forward to peoples stuff :)
'
Edit: Sry didnt read the list of rules you made

[mow]

okay to prove to you all that this is simple, Ill be the first to post a song here, feel free to be as harsh and brutal as could be, but remember thats for me, some ppl dont like the words "YOU SUCK BIG TIME YOU MORON" shoved in their faces, I on the other hand dont mind it as long as go gove a valid reason :amuse

[mow]

Ey cool thread moe, i would post some lyrics, if i had written any, really feel like writing some infact XD But looking forward to peoples stuff :)
'
Edit: Sry didnt read the list of rules you made

oh its okay mate :amuse , even if you havent written before, if you evr do, even if it was just one line, post it, you never know, it might inspire someone to write a song invloving your line. Ofcoruse if that cas ever happens guys, do gibve the original author the credit :)

[Cut Thru Me]

Let me get this right, your using another melody, but your own lyrics? Didnt really get it :)

Edit: Ok now i get it.

The song is nicely built' and you connect the different messages in the song really well.

Only one thing is bothering me, "i'll also be cut in two", i wanna hear more about that! What is it, perhaps it's just me who does'nt get it cause my english isnt the best.. But do tell me :)

[mow]

Let me get this right, your using another melody, but your own lyrics? Didnt really get it :)

Yeah in Lullaby i did that, The music from that song was just too damn good, i was insomiac and the words just came to me as I heard the melody, BUT that doesnt have to be the case for your lyrics or poems, you can just have a poem posted with now music, in my case the music fits the lyrics perfectly if i may say so :amuse

[mow]

Let me get this right, your using another melody, but your own lyrics? Didnt really get it :)

Edit: Ok now i get it.

The song is nicely built' and you connect the different messages in the song really well.

Only one thing is bothering me, "i'll also be cut in two", i wanna hear more about that! What is it, perhaps it's just me who does'nt get it cause my english isnt the best.. But do tell me :)

Glad you enjoyed it man :amuse .

Well. basically the line "cut in two" is about the heartbreack, you know how they always say "my heart will be broken into two from sadness" in songs? well that to me was garbade, when it comes to feelings, i always felt that hearts are more like piece of paper that can be easily torn, not hard pieces of rock. The was i was going about it was to show how fragile and weak we are.

Hope that clarify things

now ppl post!!!! or i KEEL YOU!!

[mow]

thanks for reply aslan (even though you delted them, i restored them if you dont mind :amuse) i know, i sometime tend to build a song around a previous melody, but i try not to do it alot

EDIT: new lyrics

Writer:- Yours Trully
Song name :- Scribbles on a notepad
Music:- i always have a faint acuostic guitar in my head the momet i wrote this song, think "Iron & wine" or "elliot smith"

hello stranger
how have you been?
do come in and share your tales
been long since you put up your sails

welcome stranger
where have you been?
do sit down and join us as we sing
been long since we felt the joy you bring

why so gloomy? why so pale?
stop thinking of the times you failed
its been long since uve shoot and missed
yet all you've done is this
punching yourself with your fist
cos she was the one thing you had
and now she's just scribbles on a notepad
__________________________________________________ _______________

Writer:- Yours Trully
Song name :- Who Was the One
Music:- umm abstract i guess, mix of low key piano and bass, that would make a good combo

why are you looming astray
right next to a hurricane
where the scarlet moon shines its rays
who was the one that let you go

why arent you running for cover
under a roof or behind a tree
where you'll be safe and you wont shiver
who was the one that made you so?

follow my voice
and grasp my hand
lie just still
without a sound
cause slow steps
will led you out

who was the one that broke you apart
your soul is shattered,lost alone outside
who was the one that fed you lies
your heart is blinded,cold without a guide

who was the one who led you there
and made you a helpless prey
who was the one who tricked you to here
and you followed without a say?

follow my voice
and grasp my hand
lie just still
without a sound
casue slow steps
will led you out

confidence's the key
no need to scream and shout

[Cut Thru Me]

Ok first of all I feel really stupid for posting this, but anyways, this I wrote some time ago
when I went to hear some of my friends play.
It's not done, they just asked me to write something down so I did :)

Also i sometimes write things down, things about life feelings etc. Not even lyrics, this one was'nt/is'nt either. I talk to much umm, here goes (btw have no melody or anything):


It's when you're walking, it beams you down,
it strikes you, and you realize
you wander..

(kinda chorus like thing)

what made you're feet stray
push for happiness do they
what made your feet stray, you'll think.

Confusing and it reminds, you
of this time when you walked
you've been cought on top of you
looking upon you

(kinda chorus like thing)

what made you're feet stray
push for happiness do they
what made your feet stray, you'll think.

Tell me what you think, heh really a relief to post it here =O

[mow]

Save spot to review Cut Me Thru

[ninamori]

I haven't written any poetry for four years, but I felt like it today. This poem is dedicated to my friend Kailtin. She's been going through alot lately. Tell me what you think. I know it's not that good, I just wrote it on a whim...

Nobody understands
Nobody can
This pain you are going through
Won't let you stand

But I'll help you up
Even if I don't know
I'll get you out
I'll help you grow

Grab my hand
Don't let go
I won't let you get buried
In the deep winter snow

Beleive in me
Like I in you
Don't look back
We'll make it through.

The storm is strong
...But you are stronger.

No melody, no title. Just... something for her. I know... it jumps all over the place, but what can I say? I felt like writing it.

[Cut Thru Me]

I like it , I had music playing in my head the moment i read it, escpically the line

"what made you're feet stray
push for happiness do they"

the fact you made it more of a retorical wquestion just adds to its value . very good job man
8.5/10


Really glad you like it!
I think i'll work a bit on it, add a bit of structure.
And now looking at it, i have a few more ideas popping up.

And actually i'm buying a bass soon, so perhaps i'll make it a song :oh
I'll take a look at your songs, tomorrow when i'm not tired, you really write alot huh!

PenaltyLife, Really kind of you to write your friend a poem :nodding

[mow]

Save Spot for MOn

[ninamori]

Saved spot for moe's "Who Was the One".

And thanks Cut Thru Me, she really deserved to have a poem written for her.

-----

To me, this poem is about somebody who lost a love and was acting emotionless and empty. He was having feelings (of the person) that hurt him, but wasn't stoping them. The narrator of the poem wants to help him get over his lost love, and his telling him to calm down and take little steps to get over it. Then the narrator goes on to ask who did that to him, hurt him and left him to wander without anybody to help him. The next stanza (sp?) leads me to beleive that the person he loved didn't actually love him, and was just faking it. He loved her with all his heart, and then she just said it was a lie and left. Then the narrator, again, is telling him that he/she will help him get over it. The narrator then says that he needs to look up and stop crying about it.

I said that the person this poem was about was a male because that's easier, but by saying that, it makes the narrator easily a girl because the narrator could either be a freind helping a friend, or somebody who's in love with him and trying to get him to see her.

So to me, the poem is about helping somebody out of a depression of losing somebody. My favorite line would have to be "why are you looming astray / right next to a hurricane / where the scarlet moon shines its rays" Because I know that 1) hurricanes are dangerous and 2) scarlet (or red) moons are bad omens. This added depth to the poem, instead of just saying "you're in danger/ with an omen" or something.

So, in conclusion, I absolutly loved it. I loved the metaphor-like way you wrote about a hurricane to show the person's inner-turmoil and emotions, and how everything simply flowed. 10/10, it was beautiful.

[mow]

just wrote this on a whim, Iron & wine are my new drug

Oh love, sweet love
so you're still stranded there?
was the touch of his hands
just not enough?

Oh love, sweet love
have you missed me lately?
becuase that memory of you
still has me in cuffs

So lets take a friendly stroll
down to our favourite spot
to a place we liked to go
were you'll relive all your heavy worries
upon the shoulders of silent boy

Oh love, sweet love
so now you're laying naked and bare?
were his whispered words of affection
just not enough?

----------

yeah i know it sucks and it needs ALOT of work, but i just wrote in a minute, bare with me :D

[ninamori]

Yep. Wrote another poem. But this time, it's for Kate and Ariel. Because... I'm scared for them. I really am. And their pain makes my heart bleed, because I love them so much. I never want to see them in pain...

Killer

With cold heartless eyes
The children sneer
As she cries in a corner
Her mind in shambles

Watch as they tear at it
Watch as you ignore her pain
Watch as the children tear her soul
Watch it fall to the ground, forgotten

She clutches herself tightly
Never letting go…
She won’t lose herself in this hell
Look what you did. You killer

Ignore it.
Ignore the tears
Ignore the cries for help
Ignore her.

Pain. You don’t care.
Helpless. You don’t see.
Lonely. You don’t understand.
Afraid. You don’t know.

Never knowing
You just killed her
You watch as the children’s words
Cut her like a knife.

As she holds a razor blade
A glint in her eye
You don’t catch it
You walk away.

Always ignore it
The children tear at it
You watch it break apart
And yet do nothing

But tomorrow you will see
You can never ignore this
You killer…
Are the cause of her suicide.

Yep, it sort of all came out like that... it's strange, but I like it. :)

[mow]

So much emotions embedded in every line and every word Mon.
being unaccepted and unappreciated , by all those who know her. The confusiong going though her soul is bursting through without anyone even remotly caring.

I love this lin
"Watch as the children tear her soul"



the metorphrical meaning behind this are just wonderful, the person going through this turmoil has been betrayed and scarred by the person sthey had faith in the most, someone they never expceted will ever hurt them.

Yet she/he is trying their best to gather their themsleves , trying to resist
"She won’t lose herself in this hell"

The use of Killer throughout the poem is extremely smart choice too. the whole concept , layout and wording used is just superb.

Mon that was remarkable, i can almost feel the person's pain through your words. I KNEW you were a great writer

10/10

[mow]

Song :- Scribbles on a notepad

hello stranger
how have you been?
do come in and share your tales
been long since you put up your sails

welcome stranger
where have you been?
do sit down and join us as we sing
been long since we felt the joy you bring

why so gloomy? why so pale?
stop thinking of the times you failed
its been long since uve shoot and missed
yet all you've done is this
punching yourself with your fist
cos she was the one thing you had
and now she's just scribbles on a notepad
----

>.< if i ony knew how to play a danm banjo!!

[aslan]

Somthing simple and sweet (at least the ladies say that)

title: none
music: me doing simple gutiar chords
writen by: the sone of the kign across the sea

V1
Here I am upon this loney shore
I pick up a pebble a skip it accross the water
My mind keeps comming back to you
and what I may just want to say


C
Funny how it all seems so simple
Funny how I can't say two simple words
words like love you
but it better that way

V2
Walk along the shore fell the sand between my toes
Doesn't seem to distract me much
The look on your face as I stuttered
Imprented behind my eyes

V3
I float on the water's edge
Let the feeling drift me away
Maybe it's just best to forget
Maybe I should try again

[mow]

just as you said , simple and sweet. I honestly cant say anymore that its heart warming and gave me goosebumps (thats how my body tells me im listening or reading something good) 9.5/10

[mow]

Name :- Untitled #1
writer :- yours trully (but induced by Sufjan Stevens)
Music :- very simple and lo-fi quality acuostic guitar, and ill throw a bass for support


what the stranger wants
are those sweet lips
and all the kindess its love gives
what the children want
is the sun kiss
and that warmth it showers them with

so would you oblige me
with that forgviness
a hand patting my back
and give me a candle
when i am shrouded
when all my judgment
is merely clouded

and comfort me with that warm quilt
weaved by your own hands
fused with love like the endless desert sands
and I will worship you
for all of my days
for you are my goddess
that shows me the wayyy

*yes i had to add the "yyy"*

[happygolucky]

well, i think its very simple and nice^_^ i like the one part "what the children want
is the sun kiss and that warmth it showers them with" it makes me feel all glowy inside:amuse

[aslan]

to the poems/song above me

the form you have is very well built and has a flow that I will never come to grasp. I ejoyed the emotion thu the words and saw the colors of those emotions.

9/10

title: none
music: none (it's spoken word)
author: <--- look there

I was in a crapy mood and needed to vent one day

Memories of a smile brings forth regets
Memories of a lost chance makes me look back
Memories of what is to be lingers in my heart
Memories of why I hold it all in make me want to let it out

Give me someone to talk to
Give me someone to hold me
Give me someone to cry to
Give me somewhere to escape

I wish I was not here
I wish I was someone else
I wish I could understand
I wish I it was all simple

Why does it have to be this way
Why does life have to be so sad
Why does it rain when I need the sun
why is it I feel this way

Memories of a smile bring forth regrets
Give me someone to hold me
I wish I could understand
Why is it I feel this way

[grakul]

Aslan yours is good :wink i've felt that way on bad days too he he he...

Well here's one, feel free to say that i suck (i know it already, check my sig if you don't believe me)

title: none
writer: me :P
music: none... yet

I?m sitting on a hill
That one was full
of beautiful flowers
But now all of them
Have withered away
The moon is red now
And I?m breathing smoke
I didn?t expected this
But solitude it?s my only friend now

I wish I could hold you
Y be able to feel
The relief of your hands
The sweetness of your hair
The warmth of your look
I wish I could have you by my side
I chain myself to you
By holding your hand

And now over this dead hill
My heart is pumping oil
And I calmly wait for the spark
That will but my pain away

My body isn?t responding
?Cause I?m turning into stone
But sitting in this place
I make a promise to myself
So I can touck your face again
I?ll wait till I die

and sorry, but my english probably sucks big time...

[aslan]

well if you didn't tell me that your first lang wasn't english I wouldn't of known

great flow to the words I like how they all link together

now just did this diddy up

Title: someday
Author: the person typing
Music: simple high on the neck power 5 chords
V1
sit her waiting by phone, by the window, by the door
Maybe you'll show, maybe you'll call, maybe you'll walk into my world
Would it make any differance if I said that I'd like it that way
and I see you in my heart
and I want you here someday (today)

v2
with this lamp on in my room I sing this silly song
pen and paper in my hand and gutiar upon my knee
crumple the paper, throw it away I don't know what to say
and I see you in my heart
and I want you here someday (today)

v3
Through the window the moon light shines into my room
and don't know why but it just makes me think of you
maybe I'm foolish, made I'm crazy, maybe I'm just some silly geek
But I see you in my heart
and I want you here someday (today)

[grakul]

The new one it's good, are you in love my friend?
:P



great flow to the words I like how they all link together

By the way, those are for...

[aslan]

The new one it's good, are you in love my friend?
:P




hummm not yet but getting there

[mow]

aslan all i could say that I love it, I honestly do. the emotions reflected threw the words just gave me goosebumsp, simlpy lovely in every single aspect 10/10

and i hope things work out with you and your lady friend mate, you desreve the best :amuse

[grakul]

aslan all i could say that I love it, I honestly do. the emotions reflected threw the words just gave me goosebumsp, simlpy lovely in every single aspect 10/10

and i hope things work out with you and your lady friend mate, you desreve the best :amuse


Mine is so bad you won't even review it?... mmmmmmmmmh that's bad... :oh

[mow]

Mine is so bad you won't even review it?... mmmmmmmmmh that's bad... :oh

XD its not that! I just review the last one one posted always :P ill review yours if you want :amuse

[grakul]

XD its not that! I just review the last one one posted always :P ill review yours if you want :amuse

THAT was something i did not knew, i thought you read it and it was like

"ZOMFG this guy BAAAAAAAAD, he should be buried 40 ft underground and then do build a house over that land so he would hunt it forever writing more of his shitty lyrics in the wall with the blood of the ppl that lives there"

so, i would like to read a review from you (it's always good to know i suck
:P ) but if that's ypu're rule of this post i think i'll just wait till i write another :blink

[mow]

okay how about you review my latest one and Ill review the next opne you post? :amuse

I hate you, I hate you

and you spit at the mirror
wanting a
cleaner reflection
yet your eyes are rewarded
with an uglier response

and her stench
it drenchs your
4 months old clothes
and her fading perfume
is now diffused
with the scent of half burnt
photobooth pictures fumes

and 3 worded letters
laying on the ground
crying out:-
"I hate you", "i hate you"
if only they could
make a sound

[grakul]

well :blink .............. NICE!! i've felt like that several times (don't ask why to a loser), it's really good men i actually thought of a mirror phrase:

"you want to make your reflection explode, so you can arrage it the way you want it to be"

But yeah, it's good i loved the felling (specially cuz i know it :P ), sadly most of us just say "i hate you" when we actually sometimes just want that the person we say that to hold us or something :cool

[aslan]

okay how about you review my latest one and Ill review the next opne you post? :amuse

I hate you, I hate you

and you spit at the mirror
wanting a
cleaner reflection
yet your eyes are rewarded
with an uglier response

and her stench
it drenchs your
4 months old clothes
and her fading perfume
is now diffused
with the scent of half burnt
photobooth pictures fumes

and 3 worded letters
laying on the ground
crying out:-
"I hate you", "i hate you"
if only they could
make a sound


d00d

put gutiar in hand and put some music to that

the choppy style gives across the raw anger that needs to be expresses thu the words

I can alomst hear the drum beat

9/10

[grakul]

Well i'm kinda heartbreaked (yeah, past valentine's :P ), so I'm writing this sucky thing:

title: holding a pillow
writer: me
music: none

i'm holding a pillow
with all my strength
wondering why did this had to happen
wondering what did i do wrong
i'm holding a pillow
thinking that it is you
wondering why can't i kiss you
wondering why i can't have you
i'm holding a pillow
with tears flowing out of my eyes
realizing that it's my fault to feel this way
realizing that i'm nothing to you
i'm holding a pillow
thinking of your smile
and finally facing the fact
that loving you it's like screaming in outer-space
no matter how hard i do it
i'll never get a response...

it's bad, but i just felt like letting those feelings out, anyways, if you wanna say "you suck" say it, it's better that way :laugh

[aslan]

Well i'm kinda heartbreaked (yeah, past valentine's :P ), so I'm writing this sucky thing:

title: holding a pillow
writer: me
music: none

i'm holding a pillow
with all my strength
wondering why did this had to happen
wondering what did i do wrong
i'm holding a pillow
thinking that it is you
wondering why can't i kiss you
wondering why i can't have you
i'm holding a pillow
with tears flowing out of my eyes
realizing that it's my fault to feel this way
realizing that i'm nothing to you
i'm holding a pillow
thinking of your smile
and finally facing the fact
that loving you it's like screaming in outer-space
no matter how hard i do it
i'll never get a response...

it's bad, but i just felt like letting those feelings out, anyways, if you wanna say "you suck" say it, it's better that way :laugh


one you don't suck

you got lots of raw talent sitting inside you (more than I had at your age)

you convey emoiton thu words very well

keep it up you'll become great in no time q

[mow]

Well i'm kinda heartbreaked (yeah, past valentine's :P ), so I'm writing this sucky thing:

title: holding a pillow
writer: me
music: none

i'm holding a pillow
with all my strength
wondering why did this had to happen
wondering what did i do wrong
i'm holding a pillow
thinking that it is you
wondering why can't i kiss you
wondering why i can't have you
i'm holding a pillow
with tears flowing out of my eyes
realizing that it's my fault to feel this way
realizing that i'm nothing to you
i'm holding a pillow
thinking of your smile
and finally facing the fact
that loving you it's like screaming in outer-space
no matter how hard i do it
i'll never get a response...

it's bad, but i just felt like letting those feelings out, anyways, if you wanna say "you suck" say it, it's better that way :laugh

oh lord, how much I could relate to that. I just love the line
"and finally facing the fact
that loving you it's like screaming in outer-space"

wonderful job, I cant wait to read more of your songs :amuse

[netorie]

Title- my lonely place of sorrow
Songwriter- me
Music- still working on it

As i sit in this lonely place
i think about all the time i spent
looking for a way out
no one can help me now
i'm all on my own

(Chorus V)
I'm sitting infront of u
cant u see me
i feel my pain
taking me over fast
please help me!
i'm in a lonely place of sorrow
my lonely place of sorrow

i walk in and out
looking for the light
but nothin i do can save me
i've become so dark

afraid of what will happen
if i don't come out
my place of sorrow...
growing near.


I'm still working on it...but it suxs right now... :P

[grakul]

oh lord, how much I could relate to that. I just love the line
"and finally facing the fact
that loving you it's like screaming in outer-space"

wonderful job, I cant wait to read more of your songs :amuse

yeah, i love that line too :amuse

one you don't suck

you got lots of raw talent sitting inside you (more than I had at your age)

you convey emoiton thu words very well

keep it up you'll become great in no time q

thank you guys (moe and aslan :P), i do pretend to keep posting more songs in this thread i actually think it's a very good thread, only that not many of the users have the guts to post their writings here, maybe cuz they are afraid that they would something like "you suck"... but i don't think that'll happen...

And to netorie, the premise of your song it's good, but just like you say, you could improve the words you use a little, plus, is it a emo song or something of that genre?

Edit: Here's a new one

Name: Desert
Writer: Yup, me
Music: None

Your hair it's like the endless waves of sand
Your eyes are like the shining sun above my head
But you are still a desert
That takes the life away from me slowly
That makes me crawl
Begging for an exit
You're a desert
That gives me happiness with mirages
Of your mouth
The only oasis I'll never reach...

It's small but I kinda like it...

[aslan]

yeah, i love that line too :amuse




Name: Desert
Writer: Yup, me
Music: None

Your hair it's like the endless waves of sand
Your eyes are like the shining sun above my head
But you are still a desert
That takes the life away from me slowly
That makes me crawl
Begging for an exit
You're a desert
That gives me happiness with mirages
Of your mouth
The only oasis I'll never reach...

It's small but I kinda like it...


small in size.... yes

small in emotion..... NO WAY

makes me think the person your talking about is someone you'd like to be with but they do not want to be with you.

very nice indeed

[ninamori]

Hmmm... I am back...

Wrote this about a month ago:

Caged in Freedom

I'm in a cage
Fighting to get out

I'm trapped
And my cell mates are the people of America.

In a cage marked "freedom"
Why the hell are you OK with this?

The American people,
Do you not see?

Your freedom is draining away
The President has you in shackles

Everyday, it's the same.
Go to work, come home, sleep.

Rinse and repeat
Over and over again.

Are you OK with that?
Everyday you toil, and for what?

"There is no such thing as Utopia"
I know that but...

Why are you living your life
As if it's a living Hell?

I won't go down without a fight
Although this cage is strong...

Banging against the bars
Yelling about homophobia

Punching the walls
Screaming about racism

Rattling the locks
Muttering about censorship

Shaking the people
Whispering about war debts

Falling to the floor
Weeping about how it will never change.

I'll be here until death
Caged in something called "America"

How did it end this way?
And why am I the only one that cares?

Has the eagle been shot down?
'Cause the "Land of the free" has turned into a prison.

[Altered]

Hmmm... I am back...

Wrote this about a month ago:

Caged in Freedom

I'm in a cage
Fighting to get out

I'm trapped
And my cell mates are the people of America.

In a cage marked "freedom"
Why the hell are you OK with this?

The American people,
Do you not see?

Your freedom is draining away
The President has you in shackles

Everyday, it's the same.
Go to work, come home, sleep.

Rinse and repeat
Over and over again.

Are you OK with that?
Everyday you toil, and for what?

"There is no such thing as Utopia"
I know that but...

Why are you living your life
As if it's a living Hell?

I won't go down without a fight
Although this cage is strong...

Banging against the bars
Yelling about homophobia

Punching the walls
Screaming about racism

Rattling the locks
Muttering about censorship

Shaking the people
Whispering about war debts

Falling to the floor
Weeping about how it will never change.

I'll be here until death
Caged in something called "America"

How did it end this way?
And why am I the only one that cares?

Has the eagle been shot down?
'Cause the "Land of the free" has turned into a prison.


I love the outlook you seem to display on today's America. The only thing that bother me about this is the flow. Even though you have a specific topic it seems to jump around a little to me. Anyways all and all I'd give it a 8/10


Well here's one of mine. I'm in the process of recording so maybe sometime I'll get something out. If it goes smoothly that is.


Artist - William Schaefer (Written and Composed)
Song - Living for Love
Music - None, will be recorded by The Endever

Living for Love

She looks back to see
The Days Gone By
How She longed for someone
By Her Side
Holding On To The Past
She Puts On A Mask
To Hide Her Tears
As She Cries

PreChorus

Is This The End
Of Her Sorrow
Has She Found You
Her One And True

Chorus

Has It Ended
Are You Truely Mine
My Wings Have Taken Me
So High

Will We Last
In This Tale We Started
Please, Oh Please Give
Us A Sign

Love Is Me
I Free My Past
Giving Me My Freedom
At Last


Striving To Be Herself
She Looks Toward The Sky
Is It Something
To Pass The Time
Does This Have Meaning
Or Is She In Doubt
She Thinks She Will Give
Give Into Love

Prechorus v.2

This Is The End
Of My Sorrow
I Have Found You
My One And True

Chorus v.2

Is Has Ended
You Are Truely Mine
We Continue To Fly
So High

We Will Last
In This Tale we Started
Oh, I Have Recieved
My Sign

Love Is Me
I Forget My Past
Giving Me Freedom
And Life At Last

[aslan]

Artist - William Schaefer (Written and Composed)
Song - Living for Love
Music - None, will be recorded by The Endever

Living for Love

She looks back to see
The Days Gone By
How She longed for someone
By Her Side
Holding On To The Past
She Puts On A Mask
To Hide Her Tears
As She Cries

PreChorus

Is This The End
Of Her Sorrow
Has She Found You
Her One And True

Chorus

Has It Ended
Are You Truely Mine
My Wings Have Taken Me
So High

Will We Last
In This Tale We Started
Please, Oh Please Give
Us A Sign

Love Is Me
I Free My Past
Giving Me My Freedom
At Last


Striving To Be Herself
She Looks Toward The Sky
Is It Something
To Pass The Time
Does This Have Meaning
Or Is She In Doubt
She Thinks She Will Give
Give Into Love

Prechorus v.2

This Is The End
Of My Sorrow
I Have Found You
My One And True

Chorus v.2

Is Has Ended
You Are Truely Mine
We Continue To Fly
So High

We Will Last
In This Tale we Started
Oh, I Have Recieved
My Sign

Love Is Me
I Forget My Past
Giving Me Freedom
And Life At Last


tells a wonderful story

the flow is there that is for sure

ooooo a pre- chours and two at that... very nice

9.2/10

[grakul]

PenaltyLife very interesting lyrics, good anti-political song :smile-big you should try to send it to michael moore, maybe he can make it famous by putting it into one of his movies :P , but yeah, it reflects the way many americans feel about living in their country...

[aslan]

this one's a lost gem that I keep forgetting I've wrote

name: rain
music: gutiar again

V1:
Here I am again
Staring down at you
And you scream at me
So silently

C:
and the rain it falls down
over me
and the rain it falls down
(pause)

V2:
You look up at me
like there's something I should say
but all I can do
is try not to look away

V3:
Here we are again
and I can barely breathe
I look down at you
and kneel at your grave

[Altered]

this one's a lost gem that I keep forgetting I've wrote

name: rain
music: gutiar again

V1:
Here I am again
Staring down at you
And you scream at me
So silently

C:
and the rain it falls down
over me
and the rain it falls down
(pause)

V2:
You look up at me
like there's something I should say
but all I can do
is try not to look away

V3:
Here we are again
and I can barely breathe
I look down at you
and kneel at your grave

Wow thats really sad. To me thats a song that should be done acoustically. Or something with a lot of drive in the choruse to convey the message. But the only downside is that it seems a little short, but I bet the song is played slowly so that may make up for it. All and all for what you got I like it a lot. Post some more work.

9/10

Heres another one

Artist - William Schaefer (Written And Composed)
Song - Consistancy
Music - None that is recorded

Verse 1

I've Failed Again
I Hoped For Something Great
It Was Not Meant For Fate
You Took From Me
A Piece Of Me
Please Leave Me Be
The Tears I Hide
I Will Not Cry
Will I Be Fine
Want Something So Great
Never Being Fake
Oh What Is At Stake

PreChorus

Will I Always Be Me
Will This Never Change
Doubt Rings In My Head
Is My Love At End

Chorus

I Dared To Dream Of Love
Something So Fine In Mind
I Fall From The Skys
Wind Silences My Cries

Looking Down To See
What Does Life Bring To Me
Soaring From The Top
I Beg The Pain To Stop

Shouting For An End
A Painful Misery
Heartache Follows A Path
Something Of Consistancy

Verse 2

For What Am I
Am I Wanted
Life So Very Haunted
My Souls Ablaze
This Constant Faze
Creates My Haze
What Do I Hide
Whats Left To Find
Someone To Call Mine
Live To See
A Future In Me
So Set This Free

PreChorus

Will I Always Be Me
Will This Never Change
Doubt Rings In My Head
Is My Love At End

Chorus

I Dared To Dream Of Love
Something So Fine In Mind
I Fall From The Skys
Wind Silences My Cries

Looking Down To See
What Does Life Bring To Me
Soaring From The Top
I Beg The Pain To Stop

Shouting For An End
A Painful Misery
Heartache Follows A Path
Something Of Consistancy


(Breakdown)

(Chorus With Lead)

Chorus

I Dared To Dream Of Love
Something So Fine In Mind
I Fall From The Skys
Wind Silences My Cries

Looking Down To See
What Does Life Bring To Me
Soaring From The Top
I Beg The Pain To Stop

Shouting For An End
A Painful Misery
Heartache Follows A Path
Something Of Consistancy

End

[aslan]

Wow thats really sad. To me thats a song that should be done acoustically. Or something with a lot of drive in the choruse to convey the message. But the only downside is that it seems a little short, but I bet the song is played slowly so that may make up for it. All and all for what you got I like it a lot. Post some more work.

9/10

yes it is done acustically and it is very slow
it was ment to be short like a coffee house song



Heres another one

Artist - William Schaefer (Written And Composed)
Song - Consistancy
Music - None that is recorded

Verse 1

I've Failed Again
I Hoped For Something Great
It Was Not Meant For Fate
You Took From Me
A Piece Of Me
Please Leave Me Be
The Tears I Hide
I Will Not Cry
Will I Be Fine
Want Something So Great
Never Being Fake
Oh What Is At Stake

PreChorus

Will I Always Be Me
Will This Never Change
Doubt Rings In My Head
Is My Love At End

Chorus

I Dared To Dream Of Love
Something So Fine In Mind
I Fall From The Skys
Wind Silences My Cries

Looking Down To See
What Does Life Bring To Me
Soaring From The Top
I Beg The Pain To Stop

Shouting For An End
A Painful Misery
Heartache Follows A Path
Something Of Consistancy

Verse 2

For What Am I
Am I Wanted
Life So Very Haunted
My Souls Ablaze
This Constant Faze
Creates My Haze
What Do I Hide
Whats Left To Find
Someone To Call Mine
Live To See
A Future In Me
So Set This Free

PreChorus

Will I Always Be Me
Will This Never Change
Doubt Rings In My Head
Is My Love At End

Chorus

I Dared To Dream Of Love
Something So Fine In Mind
I Fall From The Skys
Wind Silences My Cries

Looking Down To See
What Does Life Bring To Me
Soaring From The Top
I Beg The Pain To Stop

Shouting For An End
A Painful Misery
Heartache Follows A Path
Something Of Consistancy


(Breakdown)

(Chorus With Lead)

Chorus

I Dared To Dream Of Love
Something So Fine In Mind
I Fall From The Skys
Wind Silences My Cries

Looking Down To See
What Does Life Bring To Me
Soaring From The Top
I Beg The Pain To Stop

Shouting For An End
A Painful Misery
Heartache Follows A Path
Something Of Consistancy

End

good good (I;m thinking rock balliad here) you most def got a very defined style about you , which I like alot
yep def a power balliad
8.5/10


now this is somthin I wrote at age 17

Title: pretty Package
words by: me
music by: seaons of Slience (my old band)

V1
Here I am in a State of confusion
The neon Lights are blinding me
Left and right are billboard sings
Telling me what I should be

C1
and in the bussle of it all
I've come to this conclusion
all this world has taught me
is the emptiness of beauty

V2
this generation has no identity
we've be chewed up and spit out
been recycled and reused
till we're nothing but yesterdays news

C2
I buy you product and try to fill
the gap that's in my soul
your pretty packaging impressed me
But your soul never will

V3
There's nothing on the TV but sex and volince
and the magazines are filled with crap
it seems the only thing that comforts me
is the music in my head

C1 then C2
then solo out

[grakul]

Title: With a gun in my face
Writer: My broken heart :P
Music: None, words are enough for me

And here I am
As pathetic as ever
Sitting in my bed
Holding a gun
And putting it in my face
A part of me says "shoot"
The other one says
"Why?, this has happened before,
And you got over it
Why? you're young
And you are just confused
Why? it's not the end of the world
'Cause many others will come"...

But sadly I have an answer to that
And I'll say it honestly
Because these will be my last words
Maybe I'm young and stupid
Maybe this happens to everyone
Everyday
But it's still very painful
But it's still unbareable
All because
I can't wait for anyone else
All because
I don't want anyone but you

Yup, there's another one from me, waiting happily for reviews :amuse

[aslan]

Title: With a gun in my face
Writer: My broken heart :P
Music: None, words are enough for me

And here I am
As pathetic as ever
Sitting in my bed
Holding a gun
And putting it in my face
A part of me says "shoot"
The other one says
"Why?, this has happened before,
And you got over it
Why? you're young
And you are just confused
Why? it's not the end of the world
'Cause many others will come"...

But sadly I have an answer to that
And I'll say it honestly
Because these will be my last words
Maybe I'm young and stupid
Maybe this happens to everyone
Everyday
But it's still very painful
But it's still unbareable
All because
I can't wait for anyone else
All because
I don't want anyone but you


dude that soo hit home

I was there about two years ago when my GF of 4yrs and first love broke up.
you are soo talanted tho this does not flow as much as your others it stills shows a world of promise.

8.7/10

[grakul]

Hello!, yeah, I have a new one, I think that is the only positive thing i have about having a heartbreak inspiration (of deppresive lyrics :P ) comes into my head right away, but well here it is

Title: I wish I could
Writer: The eternal n00b (specially in love business)
Music: Tears falling from my face to the ground :amuse

I wish I could call you
When I feel like I want to die
So you would come right next to me
And hold me
'Cause that's enough to make me smile

I wish I could be with you forever
So I never feel sad again
So I can touch your face
And see you smile with me

I wish I could live in a dream world
So that the pillow I'm holding
Would turn into you
So I can feel you in my arms
And when I look your eyes
I could tell you that I love you
And you could answer the same...

This thread went unactive from one second to another, c'mon ppl post a bit, aslan, moe, where are you?

[mow]

here I am :P

its an old one i wrote, I really need to revise it, but too lazy to do so
=====

Is Earth is a cold dead place
can you tell from the scars on love's face
and if theres such a thing as hell
Im pretty sure this is how is smells
cause in this world of shit
baby, you are it
but since you've descended
all the way from the stars
might as well witnesss
these explostions in our hearts

but you wonder
what you are seeing
what you are hearing
and what does it say

well your awe struck
by the beautiful collisions in the sky
they are jsut lyrics torn from
a tear soaked notepad page
along with melodies of sweet weeping giutars
played by a lonesome stranger
trapped in a cage

[grakul]

I was expecting at least one review :notrust ... well, your song it's good, it's kinda short but I won't complain (check out my "desert" one :P ), but well, those seem to be lyrics from a person in love, and that's nice, I kinda write about the same thing but mine are more deppresing (yeah, that's life)

cause in this world of shit
baby, you are it

That line is the one I enjoyed the most... 9/10 (you have better ones :) )

[mow]

That line is the one I enjoyed the most... 9/10 (you have better ones :) )

That line I took from the Eels - World Of shit, Its quite possibly my fav. line in a song of all time

[grakul]

UMMMM... so... it's not original... :oh I see... :oh... :blink

[mow]

I know XD, that line tuck in my head so much, I just had to use it

[jkingler]

OK, I don't think these are very good, and I know they aren't great, but I don't think they're bad either (sorry, modesty doesn't suit me :)).

I wrote these both this morning, after I dropped my girlfriend of almost 2 years (today is our 23-monthiversary) off at the airport. She is going home for spring break, as am I, shortly, but the parting, even when it is short, is always hard. Also, I have been listening to Sufjan's "The Dress Looks Nice On You" the entire time. Here is a link to that, if it will get you in the appropriate mood:

http://s32.yousendit.com/d.aspx?id=1C7RKB7KHE0UA1M2CGLNJBFFZ4

So. please, keep all that context in mind as you read.

Here is the first song I wrote:

Listen Love

(Mellow acoustic guitar intro) [kind of like what Sufjan does for “The Dress Looks nice on you”]

Listen love
Listen love
Listen love

Oh, listen love
Listen love
Listen love

(Mellow acoustic solo)

Listen love
Just listen to me
Listen as we
Lie here endlessly

Listen love
Listen love
Listen love

(Slow, steady bass line starts up)

Oh now listen love
Listen to my heart
When it beats there’s no end,
Oh no, now there’s no start

Can you hear it love
Hear it love
Hear it love?

(Bass line picks up tempo)

Oh my heart
Now it beats so hard
It beats irregular
It hurts so bad, oh, cos it’s so scarred

But just listen love
Listen love
Oh now listen love
Listen love

Now I hear your heart
Beating next to mine
I know we’ll never part
Cos our hearts coincide

Oh you listen love
Listen love
Listen love

I’ll always listen love
Listen love
Listen love

Now we listen love
Listen love
Listen love

Always

If you don't like the repetition, then I apologize--I was inspired by Sufjan in that respect as well :).

I'll put the second song in another post--only because I, myself, get intimidated and disinterested when I see really long posts.

[jkingler]

Here is the second song, which is definitely bittersweet in its intended mood. What can I say? Parting gets me thinking this way. I don't exactly know what the melody would be like, but the first line would ride the beat, while the rest is full of meaningful (I hope) pauses and occasionally sped up (read: urgent) lyrics:

Eternally

Infinity, eternity, eternally
Exactly what are these words to me?
They’re just that, only that: words to me

No, I can’t promise me
Until the end of time, you see
Cos that far off, well, I just can’t see

But I promise I’ll be here right now
Right now right here, no, never you fear
Long as I live I’ll be near--don’t fear

But eternity, no I just can’t see
To say it is to lie, deny mortality
Tragically, eternity denies my mortality

Actions speak, their words a fact
Actions are real, so I’d rather act
My love is loyal, and it’s no act

I won’t leave you ‘til I leave me
I’ll love you until I cease to be
As long as I’m here, a ‘we’ we’ll be

Eternity, eternally, that can’t be
Those words are just empty words to me
Hollow words in the wind—they’re just not me

But I won’t leave you ‘til I leave me
I’ll love you until I cease to be
As long as I’m here, a ‘we’ we’ll be

I was also listening to Sufjan while I wrote this song, but after listening to "The Dress Looks Nice On You" for over a half hour, it started meaning something else to me.

Well, tell me what you think. Hopefully you like it, because I am going to give these (maybe even sing them, despite my horrendous singing voice and insensitivity to tone) to my girlfriend as part of my 2-year anniversary gift package (I usually make all kinds of little things, and this occasion will be no different :D.)

Oh, and while I am making myself vulnerable to you all, you might as well know my name. Anyone on this thread can feel free to call me Joe.

[Altered]

Here is the second song, which is definitely bittersweet in its intended mood. What can I say? Parting gets me thinking this way. I don't exactly know what the melody would be like, but the first line would ride the beat, while the rest is full of meaningful (I hope) pauses and occasionally sped up (read: urgent) lyrics:

Eternally

Infinity, eternity, eternally
Exactly what are these words to me?
They’re just that, only that: words to me

No, I can’t promise me
Until the end of time, you see
Cos that far off, well, I just can’t see

But I promise I’ll be here right now
Right now right here, no, never you fear
Long as I live I’ll be near--don’t fear

But eternity, no I just can’t see
To say it is to lie, deny mortality
Tragically, eternity denies my mortality

Actions speak, their words a fact
Actions are real, so I’d rather act
My love is loyal, and it’s no act

I won’t leave you ‘til I leave me
I’ll love you until I cease to be
As long as I’m here, a ‘we’ we’ll be

Eternity, eternally, that can’t be
Those words are just empty words to me
Hollow words in the wind—they’re just not me

But I won’t leave you ‘til I leave me
I’ll love you until I cease to be
As long as I’m here, a ‘we’ we’ll be

I was also listening to Sufjan while I wrote this song, but after listening to "The Dress Looks Nice On You" for over a half hour, it started meaning something else to me.

Well, tell me what you think. Hopefully you like it, because I am going to give these (maybe even sing them, despite my horrendous singing voice and insensitivity to tone) to my girlfriend as part of my 2-year anniversary gift package (I usually make all kinds of little things, and this occasion will be no different :D.)

Oh, and while I am making myself vulnerable to you all, you might as well know my name. Anyone on this thread can feel free to call me Joe.


9.2/10

You illustrate an interesting outlook of yourself with this song. Your choice of words to describe your feelings is near perfect. I am rather interested in hearing this performed, because I'm sure it would be quite a number. Again, very good. Looking forward to seeing more


Heres another by me

Song - Our Goodbyes
Written and composed - William Schaefer

Verse 1

Time has gone, oh so fast
These memories will they last
We've all been together for so long
Sharing good times that will soon be gone

Day to Day and Night to Night
We dwell on the matter of leaving sight
Will we be missed when we leave
Is this the decision that must come to be

Chorus

So Now....
We all part ways
This Hard Feeling begs us to stay

Do we...
Remember these times
Oh do I keep them mine

Verse 2

Now its come down to this
To the day we will be missed
Are we growing sad
Why does this feel so bad

We say our last goodbyes
These feelings are not lies
Crying inside we need to shout
Accept this decision and walk the route

Chorus

So Now....
We all part ways
This Hard Feeling begs us to stay

Do We...
Remember these times
Oh do I keep them mine

Lead (Musical Break)

Soft Chorus

Chorus X 4

End


~Will

[jkingler]

^Hey, Will (if I can call you that). Glad you liked my lyrics! Woohoo! 9.2/10. *Swoons after being acknowledged*

Speaking of liking songs, I must say that I do like yours. It reminds me of how me and a bunch of friends (some better than others, lol) parted ways right after college graduation. Also, it kind of reminded me of "What Became of the Likely Lads" by The Libertines. Check this song out, if you haven't heard it (if you want it, PM me).

Aside from being very evocative, I also like your unorthodox word choice e.g. "keep them mine." It makes sense, it is easy enough to understand, and I wouldn't have been able to predict that line just from hearing the lines preceeding it...unlike a lot of songs that are out now. (Don't you just hate it when you know exactly where a song is going before it gets there? I DO!!!)


Hehe, about me singing...I sing worse than most cats when they are being stepped on. I won't be performing my songs for anyone but my girlfriend, and I am even nervous about that :confused . I could ask DS if maybe he wanted to sing it, since dude can wail. Seriously, check his rendition of Full Moon Sways on in his Camwhore FC thread.

PS: Hey, DS. Wanna sing it? Btw, If I am blowing you up and you don't like it, I'm sorry. Just PM me and I'll edit this :D.

EDIT: Because I am a distracted e-tard (several thread, AIM, manga scanslations, et. al.), I forgot to post your score--9/10.

And that is excellent in my book, since you have to be daaaamn creative, original, and just about perfect to get a 10 from me. (Sidenote: I am not even sure my favorite songs would get 10s, haha.)

[aslan]

man this girl just sent me this picture and wow it made me write this

title: from a picture
writen by: Alexander West
music: a cherry red gutiar

V1
come sit next to me
come shine you light into my world
come sit next to me next to me
don't go away ever go away

C
maybe I'm crazy
at least I'm crazy for you
maybe I'm crazy
maybe I'm crazy for you


V2
from this photograph I see the world
from the shine in your eyes I see so much
I want you here with me next to me
be here with me here with me

V3
the shine on you lips the shine on your face
makes smile makes me weak
I want bridge this gap bridge the gap
pull you into me here with me

[mow]

this is the kind of song that I would die to hear the music for. It's so simple and gentle, like a lullaby. Definiatly folky :amuse. Great job mate, I really like it :amuse

[jkingler]

Agreed. Definitely folky. And I can't fault him for the repitition. I likes repitition when it works, and it works very nicely in your song. Congrats on another nice song, Aslan :).

[aslan]

thx guys

yeah I have a set structure when I go into a song

so there is a flow to it

I try not to repeat too much but this just called for it

and there is so much more to it than just the words

[jkingler]

I know what you mean. Repitition can be powerful, and depending on the context it can totally change the meaning of what you are saying.

Here's a new one (actually an old one, but new to you folks!) from me. Not a song, but a poem. I figure why not post it? It is on my sig, lol!

To Unite is to
Make One from Two--
Even down to the Minds of each.

It is also to
Remember; two
Hearts there are, too--

Each must the other Reach

I started the poem out as a word play on homophones (to/two/too).
And then I made it into the poem it is now. And then I stumbled across the pic you see in my sig and combined the poem and the pic. A perfect match, if you ask me. I guess it is more like a poem/art project. Oh well. Hope you guys like it/feel inspired by it. --Joe

[Shika's Gurl]

This is the first of my work that I've ever let people read, so, yeah. Here it goes.

Title: You never came
Writer: A depressed girl
Music: Only in my head

I stand alone
A lonely weed
Will noone comfort me?

I stand alone
My petals wilt
Can noone see me?

You stand near by
Once were my friend
Why won't you save me?

I see you there
Shaking your head
How cruel can you be to me?

You're all I wanted
But you hated me
Every one's against me.

Why do I try
What's the point
You'll always disown me.

My life, it ends
All's gone so fast
You never came for me.
____

Yeah, I know. I can't write, but I had to get my feelings out. Even if you think it's total garbage, I'd like some sort of review. Thanks.

[aslan]

This is the first of my work that I've ever let people read, so, yeah. Here it goes.

Title: You never came
Writer: A depressed girl
Music: Only in my head

I stand alone
A lonely weed
Will noone comfort me?

I stand alone
My petals wilt
Can noone see me?

You stand near by
Once were my friend
Why won't you save me?

I see you there
Shaking your head
How cruel can you be to me?

You're all I wanted
But you hated me
Every one's against me.

Why do I try
What's the point
You'll always disown me.

My life, it ends
All's gone so fast
You never came for me.
____

Yeah, I know. I can't write, but I had to get my feelings out. Even if you think it's total garbage, I'd like some sort of review. Thanks.


love give your self more credit

it's great
you got structure form and flow all right there

emotion is convayed in such a manner that I feel it

8/10 love

keep it up

[Shika's Gurl]

Thanks aslan. I feel better now. Maybe I'll even post more poem/songs in here some day. Maybe.

[jkingler]

^Could use some pruning *Oh, me and my puns* My only criticism, and it is constructive, mind you, is that you should stick to the metaphor you are using. Or if that isn't what you want to do, use multiple metaphors that, taken together, paint a picture of the emotions you are trying to express. I hipe that makes sense to you, since I am tired and have ben posting all day :sweatdrop

But overall you express your emotions very clearly. I was moved, and that is what good writing does. So don't say your writing is bad--it isn't. I like it, and I like to think I have excellent taste :D

And congrats on being the first girl to post here. We are all happy to have you, and hope you come back to post more. I expect good things from you, so keep it up! :smile-big

[Shika's Gurl]

Thanks jkingler. Really? I'm the first girl to post here? Is that a good thing, or a bad thing? I'm glad you liked it and yes, I am aware I kind of abandoned my origonal metaphor, but hey, I write all my stuff spur of the moment (and I mean COMPLETELY spur of the moment) and I normally am not very good at catching errors in my own work. All you guys write so well, I don't really now what to say. I'll be sure to post the next thing I write here, unless it's embarrasing or something.

[mow]

^aslan summed up pretty much what I wanted to say, great work and you will only get better the more you write :amuse. and your our 2nd girl poster, hooray!

okay here's are a couple of new songs I did the other day, I have

Song name: Next Year
Writer: me
Music: none
====
This time
next year
let's be laughing togther
while the
northen lights
illuminate the sky forever

and when the
cold breeze blows
and the heavens
begin to snow
I'll wrap you in my arms
a haven were you wont shiver.

This time
next year,
may this not be a dream
as we dance toghter
to the tunes
of Blue In green

I think aslasn will only understand the last line :amuse, its a refernce to mile Davis - Blue In Green, the most wonderful song to dance to.
================================================== ====
and here is another

We were the bravest
we were the best
we were the greatest
we were "us"

you're now the weakest
I am now the lost
we are now "you & I"
whatever happened to "us"?

[Shika's Gurl]

Wow. They're both really good but I especially like the second one. Really touching. Made me kind of sad. I'm gald you liked my work and I hope you're right. I hope I'll get better eventually. Good job moe.

[mow]

dont worry, you will surely get better, as long as you keep writing, you are bound to get better ^.^
====

Here is another one. Im planning to start recording these song soon, this is the last song in the album (wow, i sound like a professional musician dont I? :laugh) it ties up well with the opening song which I already posted, but toghter, the will make sense

First song in the album:-
Writer:- Yours Trully
Song name :- Scribbles on a notepad
Music:- i always have a faint acuostic guitar in my head the momet i wrote this song, think "Iron & wine" or "elliot smith"

hello stranger
how have you been?
do come in and share your tales
been long since you rasied your sails

welcome stranger
where have you been?
do come, join us as we sing
been long since we felt the joy you bring

why so gloomy?
why so pale?
stop thinking of the times you failed
its been long since uve shoot and missed

yet all you've done is this
punching yourself with your fist
cos she was the one thing you had
and now she's just scribbles on a notepad
====
okay now that you read it here's the final song in the album

Writer:- Yours Trully
Song name :- Farewell Stranger
Music:- i always have a faint acuostic guitar in my head the momet i wrote this song, think "Iron & wine" or "elliot smith"


Farewell Stranger
your stay was brief
yet it was grand
may you find your haven
your searching for in this land

Farewell stranger
your visit was a warming
like a flickering candle flame
a faint tune we heard
saddned as we forgot its name

Goodbye stranger
for we all
have reached our end

[grakul]

:wOOt ABOUT TIME THIS POST TO COME BACK TO LIFE!! :wOOt

Whatever, moe, both songs seem like a very creative idea to begin and end an album they bond pretty good, but the first one seems oddly familiar, I have the feeling I've listened to one very alike before, but maybe my mind it's playing tricks to me...

[mow]

lol, the first previously in the first page of this thread, which might be why you recalled it . i just reposted it with my new song , so that it would make more sense ot the reader and to get your input on hte concept. :amuse

[jkingler]

*Sighs* Moe, man, you inspire me. I don't know if I am going to get to sleep before I write something else now, ya basta'd :D.

Next Year--
I think aslasn will only understand the last line , its a refernce to mile Davis - Blue In Green, the most wonderful song to dance to.

See, I think I "got" that couplet in another way. I thought of Blue in Green as a reference back to the Northern Lights (Aurora Borealis) you mentioned in the first verse. You know--because they are blue and green. If so, nice-and-not-cheesy pun. I am prone to appreciating expert puns, and that certainly is one--intentional or not.

On the whole, great song. It would melt all of Norway, and any girl you sang it to would be moved. That's a keeper, bud XD.

We Were the Bravest--
This song is very...Elliott, minus the usual damn-that's-gonna-make-me-effing-cry Elliott line.

Scribbles on a Notepad--

cos she was the one thing you had
and now she's just scribbles on a notepad

What can I say about this couplet? Great. Brilliant. I love it. I would need to take English courses to get back the skills I need to say all I want about just these two lines. Seriously: I could see writing a whole book or directing a movie with this couplet as a starting point. That good, dude. :thumbs-up

Farewell Stranger--

A very (dare I use the man's name as an adjective again...yes, I dare) Elliott way to end the album. You weren't lying when you said you are influenced by him. I definitely see his influence, but I also see a lot of Moe in it. With scribbles as your OP and Farewell as your ED, you have some powerful bookends, my friend. I am eager to hear your recordings, whenever you get them online :). --Joe

[mow]

ah! you caught the double meaning in that "blue in green" line :D! the direct refernce is for miles davis, but it also had that hidden pun :amuse.

Thank you Joe ^.^ having my songs even remotly compared to elliott is honestly the greatest compliment I could ever recieve.

When I first started writing, I used to (and still do) write all my songs in a notepad, and during some very emotiona times that notepad was my only outlet of expressing myself and the only thing I could speak to. So with "scribbles on a notepad" The stranger is myslef and Im attempting to understand myself and comprehend how I feel about life, love, music and myself. Scribbles on a notepad was writtien about 3 yrs ago, so theses songs are basically a cronology of my life from that time to this moment.

Thank you again, and curse you for making me this guilty for not reviewing your songs in such a great manner like you did to mine! *shakes fist ala Family guy evil monkey*

[jkingler]

OK Moe, here is a new song/poem/whatever I decide it should be :P

It’s hard to explain how this one came about. I was reading Moe’s songs and became inspired (I reference you several times, dude). Then I listened to Elliott to set the mood (see if you can find an Elliott reference :)). Then I listened to The Artist in the Ambulance by Thrice and saw a new way to use the Northern Lights (and most of what I wrote, as far as the story and the sequence of events is taken from that song). Hope you like it!

Writer: Moi
Title: For now I will call it "Blue and Green"
Music: This could either be Mellow-Elliott music or else fast, Thrice-style, double-bass drumming punk. Decide what you think would sound good as you listen.

The bright northern lights flash
As the world darkens in a flood
I can see after the world’s crash
Despite eyes stoppered by blood

I can’t tell my up from down
My whole world is in flux
And I struggle not to drown
As I strain to see the crux

But crimson waves submerge me
The waters of regret run deep
Weighed down by my melancholy
I sink and I sink and I steep

I reach the lowest lows of my nadir
I simply have no more fight
Resigned, I embrace the water
But just as I give up I see light

Bright blue and green coruscations
Meet my vision from the surface
These radiant constellations
Re-attune me to my purpose

The ocean becomes a rippling mirror
As I look away from my weak foundations
I swim up for air with true vigor
Renewed, I break through my shotty self-imitation

I breach the foam and I cry
With my first breath of crisp air
She wipes the crust from each eye
And looks in each with great care
.
.
.
I meet her gaze and gasp anew
At this familiar sight, this deja-vu
I look closer and I know it’s you
I see two eyes: one green, one blue

I am sorry if the meaning isn't as transparent as my previous posts, but I hope you get something out of it. If there is anything in particular that eludes you, feel free to ask questions. --Joe

[mow]

wow..just woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooow!!! my god! that was brilliant! it was just so..so powerful! The shift of mood from weak attempts of survival:-
I can’t tell my up from down
My whole world is in flux
And I struggle not to drown

t utter despair:-
I reach the lowest lows of my nadir
I simply have no more fight
Resigned, I embrace the water

to the safety of in the last verse, it is so well done, weaved like a masterpiece. this is brilliant joe! the last 2 lines, my god, I can hear the music playing in my head while reading it. im simply speechless

[mow]

double post, but for a good reason. While reading your song Joe and listening to a 30 second sample " Mouth Canyon" by Gastr De Sol, i wrote this song, i wrote it in aminute so its pretty messed up, but ill work on it in the morning


I am shaken, Im a shattered
I am cut into two
I am blinded, I am lost
I am in a room without a view

and you appear, you are here
safety is you my dear
you are there, yes your always there
a vivifying breath of air

and now I am born, I am born
I am born anew
for I saw your smile, I smelled you hair
I was kissed by you

[jkingler]

Well, it is a work in progress, but stick to this--it's golden:

and you appear, you are here
safety is you my dear

Also, I like the "room without a view" part. Lots of good metaphor in there.

I mean, you can change what you want, of course, but "safety is you my dear" is something I have thought many times about my gf but never put so succinctly or poignantly as that. Me likes it. Keep up that artistic fervor. I await the results, and I am glad to have been your muse this fine twilight. --Joe

(Sidenote: I have over half my rep bar filled now. w00t! I still don't know where this 'rep' stuff is coming from, lol.)

[aslan]

my god this got crazy after I left

dude you guys all rock
I would love to have a songwriters circle with all you guys (pen in paper in hand we join and combine our lives in to art)

[mow]

gah, can you ever not write a great song? everything is perfect. I really cant point out even one word that isnt well written. The flow is flawless and you every line induces so many pondering thoughs on the reader. Just brilliant

[Shika's Gurl]

Wow. Just, wow. All that you guys right is WAY better than what I write, of course, I'm younger than you guys. Oh well. Great job everybody!

[jkingler]

Bean: Love the song. Your imagery is amazingly meaningful and I like its complexity--it definitely invites multiple readings. My favorite part, since I thrive on wordplay, is the play on "being home" and "homeless." What you say is well said and your writing is beautiful. What more can I say? :D.

Well, here is another song I wrote, inspired by the ocean metaphor. It asks more questions than I can answer, and says more about my lows than I am able to say in prose. This is my last one before I finish writing my essays which will take all night long. Sorry that it's depressing. I was inspired by Incubus' the warmth, Elliott, and the sadder parts of my last entry on this thread. Read the "you" as yourself, and the "I" as a loved one.

Lost at Sea

(Nostalgic Acapella)

1 Where are the waves you liked to ride,
that fresh foam on your face?
When did the currents pull you under
the tide’s ebb and flow?

(Introduce guitar)

2 Now you hide underneath the tide
dragged into that small place
Why not resist it and swim harder?
Don’t go to down below

(plaintive interlude)

3 Breach the surface, I’m on your side
Don’t sink into inner space

(Powerful, angry guitar solo, tempo picks up afterwards)

4 "But the sea is so strong," you yell,
"Tried so long…can’t resist…"
You whisper “this sea inside me’s
cold, not warm, Atlantic, not Pacific!"
You whimper when it doesn’t quell
“Not strong…can’t resist it!”
Oh, but you make those tides, that sea
Paint them pessimistic

(Singer yells the next couplet)

Slanted-sight sees the sea as fell
Just open your eyes, it’s what you make it!

(Dejected, slow guitar solo)

Close:

(Melancholic acapella)

1 But you just won’t see the whole sea
The swirls and calms; swells and respites
Your small sea swallows all your yells
Your crying—I never heard it

EDIT: Hope you liked it. Hope it moved you. Hope you appreciate (as I just have) the irony in my user location after reading the song.

EDIT #2: Hmmm. Is it too sad? Nobody seems to want to touch it...

[grakul]

It's a nice song, Jkingler I see that you enjoy using metaphores and lot and that's good, gives space to ppl to understand the song the way the want to

Title: None
Music: None (it's not a new when it comes to me)
Writer: I stole it form the white house ¬¬

Everything was so great
The light was so bright
My life could not be any better
'Cause I had you on my side
But my happiness made me stupid
I forgot what I had and started to destroy it

Went from one street to another
Looking to kill my addiction
You told me to stop
But I said that I was strong
That I coudl get over it anytime I wanted to

But now I realise
My strength...
It's all gone
Because I decided to destroy it
My strength...
It's all gone
Because I decided to scream at you
My strength...
It's all gone
Because I killed you
And all my happiness came from you

Kinda bad, I thought about it after I saw in the news about some asshole that shot his wife 'cause he was drunk... what an idiot... Whatever, that's not the point

PS. Yeah, it's kinda sad that I was unactive so long and return with this kind of ugly things :P

[Shika's Gurl]

That's...sad. Not in a pathetic way, in a sad like episode 16 (not that bad but oh well) way. I need to write something. Latter.

[grakul]

My writing is sad or the story is sad?...

[Shika's Gurl]

Both. Things like that just shouldn't happen. It's just...too wrong.

[jkingler]

^Agreed. Sad song, sad lyrics, sad vibe--it's all very sad.

Sidenote: Maybe it's because I have been listening to entirely too much thrice lately, but it could very well be sung by thrice.

[grakul]

When I said "my writing is sad" I was talking in the way that "you suck at writing" that was the way I thought about the sentence... it's that the way you are talking about it? :blink I'm confused XD

[jkingler]

No, not you suck at writing! Sad as in depressing, heavy, etc.

[aslan]

ok I would like to make something very clear

anyone who has posted here ever does not suck at writing

[Shika's Gurl]

ok I would like to make something very clear

anyone who has posted here ever does not suck at writing

Yay! I'm relieved. I don't suck.

And yeah. I was saying that the song was sad, not in a pathetic sense, in a oh my god I'm depressed now sense. That sort of thing. Not quite that bad, but sad, as I've said before.

[jkingler]

I am happy to know my writing doesn't suck. I also like how you included yourself by the group you chose (anyone who has ever posted here), lol. You are a good writer too, just thought that was funny :laugh

[NarutoFanatic]

ok I would like to make something very clear

anyone who has posted here ever does not suck at writing

I shall proove you wrong my friend :)

ok, what u're about to read IS a disaster...I wrote all of it today, didn't change anything, saw the typos, the grammatical errors, everything... but I didn't change anything,
For me, the first time u write something is the exact way u're feeling it, so... feel free to laugh =]



Words, just words,
No rhymes, no rules,
And maybe no sense to you.
My words may not awake dreams
They’ll probably sound silly
But they are a part of my thoughts,
A part of me
So I beg u to take a time to read
For I am no poet nor writer nor lexis fairy,
Just a kiddo with impossible dreams.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Sometimes I wish

Sometimes I wish
That my love for u
Wasn’t true

Sometimes I wish
That my heart ach didn’t create that fictitious bowling ball
Hibernating in my stomach

Sometimes I wish
I could run away away away
Away from the perfection of your face

Sometimes I wish
You didn’t choose to ignore me
All I wanted was a smile, and maybe a kiss

Sometimes I wish
You could see the castles I built for you
How many changes I’ve been through just to impress you

But u never saw, u never smiled, u never kissed

And sometimes I hope
Everything will change
I’ll become thicker so you’ll notice me when I pass by

Someday I know,
I’ll be the only red leaf on your tree,
And then, you’ll see, you’ll smile and you’ll kiss

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Curse you gravity!
Why won’t you let me fly away?
Curse reality!
For painting my dreams grey

I wanted to create a new world,
a better one, but you wouldn’t allow me.
You erased the smiles I thought I drew
You killed the lullabies I created
You strangled the sweet words I wanted to say
You vacuumed the golden dust of happiness
You forbade the kids to run in the pink fields
And you even had the guts to wake up the dreamers.

Why do you want me to live in a world of grown-ups?
Why wouldn’t you let candy grow on trees?
Don’t you like sweet innocent smiles?
I guess you prefer hatred and lies…
Why’d you teach the young pure souls to pronounce words as ”hurt” and “cry”?
Why wouldn’t you let them live in this world of mine?
Where such fallacious words do not exist…

Curse you time!
I didn’t want to grow up!
Curse you reality
For all the things you made me put up.

I guess maturing is a sickness,
And look… some of its symptoms are beginning to show. In my heart, on my face, in my mind.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
What’s that torn up thing laying on the floor?
I approached it, examined it, poked it…
Guess what? That sad sad thing…
Is the inner me.

What’s that ridiculous thing running to nowhere?
I think it’s lost, I think it’s drowning in its own thoughts…
Guess what? That miserable thing…
Is the inner me.

What’ that cheerless thing sitting on the stairs all by itself?
I think it’s crying, but it’s all alone, no one has ever seen its tears…
Guess what? That heartrending thing…
Is the inner me.

What? You don’t believe me?
I’m always happy, cheerful and reasonable you say?
You’re pretty much sure that the smile on my face
was drawn with a permanent pen, aren’t you?
Well, you couldn’t be more wrong, my friend.
I’m rarely joyful, I’m just a good actress in this play you call “life”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Love… why haven’t u knocked on m door yet?
I haven’t had the chance to be your slave …
I heard suffering for you was worth it.
How come you haven’t paid me any visits?

I’ve been told that those who died because of you,
Died with delight.
I don’t mind dying if you teach me your divine and mysterious ways
I don’t mind dying blissfully

But I know you can also be cruel
Eternal in some relationships,
And suddenly non-existent in others.
I know that sometimes, you miscalculate;
Your entire potion is drunk by the same person,
And so, he immediately falls in love with himself, leaving his soul mate heartbroken.
You’ve made so many errors, and you’ve been blamed dor so many disasters,
And still, I call out your name.
Am I masochist, I ask myself…
I know you’ll mess me up,
Change my way of thinking
Even introduce me to alcohol and drugs.
I’m sure I’ll be your toy for awhile,
Possibly for a lifetime…
But I don’t mind, I don’t mind…
Just knock on my door Love <3
-----------------------------------------------------------
to my brother:

You thanked me,
I asked why.
Your reply
was just a charming smile

At that moment,
Our souls communicated
And it was then that I understood
I understood the sweetest thing

You thanked me for being here, at your side,
You thanked me for saying random things, for saying anything
You thanked me for picking on you, even if I didn’t mean to,
You thanked me for loving you,
You thanked me for the good laughs we had
You thanked me for being your sister
You thanked me for being me

It was really the sweetest thing

You thanked me for racing you to the car
You thanked me for doing your homework
You thanked me covering your back
You thanked me the intimate talks we had
You thanked me following your advice
You thanked me for giving you some when u needed them
You thanked me being your sister
You thanked me being me

And that’s when I realized
It was the sweetest thing
I smiled back
Because I’m your sister
Then, I laughed really hard
Because there’s absolutely nothing you can do about it!
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Please note: I have a very poor vocabulary.... :sad

[jkingler]

Hate to break it to you, but even though what you wrote isn't polished, it has potential. And I really like this:

Curse you gravity!
Why won’t you let me fly away?
Curse reality!
For painting my dreams grey

Good stuff, "kiddo." I can definitely relate to this and it is well said.

So what Aslan says stands! Long live Aslan!

[NarutoFanatic]

aww, thanks jkingler! it's good to see that someone can relate to it :amuse
I liked what u wrote too =]
hope to see more of it soon

[mow]

tina, for a 14 year old, that was marvellous. Dont put yourself down dear, your writing is great, keep on writing and you will get better and better :amuse

Aside from the line Jo already mentioned, this is by far my favourite

Love… why haven’t u knocked on m door yet?
I haven’t had the chance to be your slave …
I heard suffering for you was worth it.
How come you haven’t paid me any visits?

I’ve been told that those who died because of you,
Died with delight.
I don’t mind dying if you teach me your divine and mysterious ways
I don’t mind dying blissfully

The best method to make your work better is to
1) write more
2) combine your work, [quoteing bean] its better to write 1 good song rather than 3 mediocre songs[end quote]
3) revise your work after wrting it, just read it everyonce and a while and see how you can improve it

looking foward to reading more from you ya 3mar ^.^

[jkingler]

:nod:

I agree with Moe and bean. Listen to the men--they've got skills.

[NarutoFanatic]

tina, for a 14 year old, that was marvellous. Dont put yourself down dear, your writing is great, keep on writing and you will get better and better

Aside from the line Jo already mentioned, this is by far my favourite

Love… why haven’t u knocked on m door yet?
I haven’t had the chance to be your slave …
I heard suffering for you was worth it.
How come you haven’t paid me any visits?

I’ve been told that those who died because of you,
Died with delight.
I don’t mind dying if you teach me your divine and mysterious ways
I don’t mind dying blissfully

The best method to make your work better is to
1) write more
2) combine your work, [quoteing bean] its better to write 1 good song rather than 3 mediocre songs[end quote]
3) revise your work after wrting it, just read it everyonce and a while and see how you can improve it

looking foward to reading more from you ya 3mar ^.^

I know about this rule/advice, I just didn't want to follow it,
the only time I re-read what I wrote was when I typed it...
I wanted u guys to see what was in my mind, bare thoughts, no make-overs... that's all

But I will follow it from now on, promise!
and I'm glad u liked it =]
*off-topic: I can't send u Aziza mustafa's stuff on usendit, it's way too slow, I tried on G-mail too....I'll try again tomorrow*

[aslan]

So what Aslan says stands! Long live Aslan!


damn right

just having the guts to post your song in this thread gives you 3 out of ten in my book 30% of song writing/poety is having the guts to bare your heart to the world.

good writing starts in the heart and soul listen to them and let it flow to your hand on to the paper.

now on to the good stuff

NarutoFanatic:

14, right one the same age I started putting my heart to bare on paper.

your doing wonderfuly love good structure (thats 2 pts there)
flow is on the needs work scale but still very nice (1.5 pts there) flow comes with time so don;t let me bring you down

and you moved me (3pts there)

so 3pts for guts
2 pts for struture
1.5 pts for flow
and 3 pts for invoking emotion in the reader

total or 9.5/10

wow you did great!!!

[Shika's Gurl]

Wow. You're way better than me NarutoFanatic. I loved them all. And sometimes it's good to just let your feelings out like you did. I do that whenever I'm writing anything. I loved them ^^

[aslan]

just re-read the post and founf this

Words, just words,
No rhymes, no rules,
And maybe no sense to you.
My words may not awake dreams
They’ll probably sound silly
But they are a part of my thoughts,
A part of me
So I beg u to take a time to read
For I am no poet nor writer nor lexis fairy,
Just a kiddo with impossible dreams.


now I know it was just a intorduction but man even this has poetic potential

[Shika's Gurl]

More drivel from me

No name and no music
___

The rain, it falls silently,
drops land on my face.
The wind, it blows mournfully
I'm alone in this place.

My feet, their so clumsy
stuck in the sand.
The sea, it calls me
but I'm chained to the land.

Life, it will end
all gone in a flash
This torment and horror
all in the past

Thus we all leave
ways simple and sad
It sounds sick and wrong
but for this I am glad

The rain on my face
is not rain after all
It's tears for my love
that silently fall

My love is the ocean
so close yet out of reach
I stand here alone
alone on the beach.

____

What do you think? I wrote this one quickly so it's not very high quality. I'll polish it up later I just wanted some feed back now.

[aslan]

More drivel from me

No name and no music
___

The rain, it falls silently,
drops land on my face.
The wind, it blows mournfully
I'm alone in this place.

My feet, their so clumsy
stuck in the sand.
The sea, it calls me
but I'm chained to the land.

Life, it will end
all gone in a flash
This torment and horror
all in the past

Thus we all leave
ways simple and sad
It sounds sick and wrong
but for this I am glad

The rain on my face
is not rain after all
It's tears for my love
that silently fall

My love is the ocean
so close yet out of reach
I stand here alone
alone on the beach.

____

What do you think? I wrote this one quickly so it's not very high quality. I'll polish it up later I just wanted some feed back now.

does not need that much polish at all

i like it as it is

got flow got structure
got heart

9/10


now just somthing i put together fresh off the notepad

no title


sitting, waiting here
for the plane to land
and all I want to hear
is the song in your eyes

but I don't know if I can handle what your going to bring
bring to me this feeling and ease this aching pain
but maybe I'm just foolish thinking i could be
the one you could fall for and the only one you see

laying in this feld
lookng to the sky
but it still does not compare
to your beauty divine

but maybe I should calm down and keep a level head
try and tame my heart and hold it back instead
for your so far away now to far to hold
but still it is hard to not be there with you

so for now I sit here waiting for that single day
the day you join my world to push my fears away
then I will hold you and look into your eyes
then maybe it will all begin to make sense

[Shika's Gurl]

I really liked the part about "the song in your eyes". That is very poetic. And you know what's really strange? For some reason, this one, though sad, left me feeling calm and peacful. I don't know why. Very well written.

[jkingler]

No name and no music

Shika, that was a good one in my book. Good flow, good lyrics, easy to relate to. I can't pick a favorite verse, because I like them all, but this one stands out:

My love is the ocean
so close yet out of reach
I stand here alone
alone on the beach.

Really effective analogy, highly meaningful in the context of what you say before, and it really wraps up your song nicely. 8.5/10. The only reason I don't give it a 9 is because a few lines didn't flow as well as I thought they could have.

In the fourth verse: ways simple and sad...I think the line would flow better with "in" in front of it, "in ways simple and sad."

And in the last verse: so close yet out of reach...I would have dropped "yet" from it, leaving you with "so close, out of reach." Just sounds better to me that way, and it flows better for the way I envision the song sounding. But this is my opinion. Those changes might not match up with how the song sounds to you. You be the judge.

Aslan: I like yours a lot. I love the way you string the lines together and don't depend on rhyme all the time--I almost always depend on rhyme, and it is hard to break the habit. You do rhyme a lot, but when the rhyme is a little off it sounds a lot more natural. And in the verses where it rhymes except for key lines, it makes those lines stand out all the more. Example:

so for now I sit here waiting for that single day
the day you join my world to push my fears way
then I will hold you and look into your eyes
then maybe it will all begin to make sense

Those last two lines invite examination because they don't blend into any sort of rhyme scheme. They jump out at the sensitive and even the not so sensitive ear. Nice job. 9/10

[Catatonik]

Deathbringer (Last of the Gunslingers)

Intro: Western showdown tune done with guitar or keyboard
Two gunshots, screams…the sound of the wind….

One shot
Blood falls to the earth
Another cowboy down
Silence settles as the crowd awaits
To hear what the Deathbringer will say
He turns to face the dying sun
His black sillhoutte paints the dusty street
In a flash his gun is holstered
As blood pools around his feet

As the dust and blood settle
He laughs grimly
Bastard, yells the widow
As she spits at his feet
May you rot in hell you murdering scum
And suffer in satans heat
With eyes as cold as night and a face as cold as the northern wind
His stare cuts like a knife
A bastard I may be, and to hell I will go
But alone I will not be...
That you well know

Having spoken he turns away
Fading into the distance with every step
From hero to hated
A creature of terror and contempt
Last of the Gunslingers

Touch the devil and you can never let go
Cross that line and there’s no turning back
Each bullet brings you one step closer
Each death stains your soul black

Warrior of the fading sun
Pistol in hand
And death in his eyes
He awaits the next challenger
Awaiting his own time to die

Deathbringer
Last of the Gunslingers
A puff of smoke and a spray of blood
A gunshot echoing through the sky
He dances with the grim reaper
Knowing his time is running out
Redemption is long since gone
All he has now is a blood stained soul
And a well used gun

Dead man walking
A corpse still talking
He has nothing left but blood and pain
A trail of corpses
And a legacy of destruction
Awaiting the bullet that will end
His cold and bleak life
Into the evening sun he fades
Trailed and haunted by the shades
Of his bloody past

The last gunslinger
Bastard child of the gun
Alone he walks
Touch the devil and you can never let go
Last of the gunslingers your time will come

[aslan]

I really liked the part about "the song in your eyes". That is very poetic. And you know what's really strange? For some reason, this one, though sad, left me feeling calm and peacful. I don't know why. Very well written.

yeah it was ment as a peacful song very quiet and ment to be preformed in a one on one manner. the song in your eyes comment comes from my habit of releating everything in live to music (my mind can take a thousand things and compress it into a musical line hell the music in my head never stops)

Aslan: I like yours a lot. I love the way you string the lines together and don't depend on rhyme all the time--I almost always depend on rhyme, and it is hard to break the habit. You do rhyme a lot, but when the rhyme is a little off it sounds a lot more natural. And in the verses where it rhymes except for key lines, it makes those lines stand out all the more. Example:

so for now I sit here waiting for that single day
the day you join my world to push my fears way
then I will hold you and look into your eyes
then maybe it will all begin to make sense

Those last two lines invite examination because they don't blend into any sort of rhyme scheme. They jump out at the sensitive and even the not so sensitive ear. Nice job. 9/10

I write like I'm telling a story, if I fail in telling the story I fail in the song.
The girl that this was writen for understads the story quite well cause she is the one I was talking about; she said that I have a great talent of saying alot in a few words (which is quite accurte seeing as i talk in 1 or 2 word toughts most of the time)

glad you liked how it flowed thats one thing I always stress, it must flow.

half way thu that last line the music stops so that line get more attn than you may think by reading alone

but thanks for the comps guys I know I'm not the most tlanted one here so it means alot.

btw Catatonik I'll read your work right now and add a review in a sec

[aslan]

ok if this turns out to be a double post then just know i would not of had the room to review this in my prev post

Deathbringer (Last of the Gunslingers)

Intro: Western showdown tune done with guitar or keyboard
Two gunshots, screams…the sound of the wind….

One shot
Blood falls to the earth
Another cowboy down
Silence settles as the crowd awaits
To hear what the Deathbringer will say
He turns to face the dying sun
His black sillhoutte paints the dusty street
In a flash his gun is holstered
As blood pools around his feet

As the dust and blood settle
He laughs grimly
Bastard, yells the widow
As she spits at his feet
May you rot in hell you murdering scum
And suffer in satans heat
With eyes as cold as night and a face as cold as the northern wind
His stare cuts like a knife
A bastard I may be, and to hell I will go
But alone I will not be...
That you well know

Having spoken he turns away
Fading into the distance with every step
From hero to hated
A creature of terror and contempt
Last of the Gunslingers

Touch the devil and you can never let go
Cross that line and there’s no turning back
Each bullet brings you one step closer
Each death stains your soul black

Warrior of the fading sun

Pistol in hand
And death in his eyes
He awaits the next challenger
Awaiting his own time to die

Deathbringer
Last of the Gunslingers
A puff of smoke and a spray of blood
A gunshot echoing through the sky
He dances with the grim reaper
Knowing his time is running out
Redemption is long since gone
All he has now is a blood stained soul
And a well used gun

Dead man walking
A corpse still talking
He has nothing left but blood and pain
A trail of corpses
And a legacy of destruction
Awaiting the bullet that will end
His cold and bleak life
Into the evening sun he fades
Trailed and haunted by the shades
Of his bloody past

The last gunslinger
Bastard child of the gun
Alone he walks
Touch the devil and you can never let go
Last of the gunslingers your time will come

my my my
this is one long peice of work
the story in well tgought out and well written

I've found a few places where for my the flow kinda stutters but then again I'm not to used to the westren style of story telling

the story is very stright forward but does seem to jump

but over all good job

7.5/10

[Shika's Gurl]

No name and no music

Shika, that was a good one in my book. Good flow, good lyrics, easy to relate to. I can't pick a favorite verse, because I like them all, but this one stands out:

My love is the ocean
so close yet out of reach
I stand here alone
alone on the beach.

Really effective analogy, highly meaningful in the context of what you say before, and it really wraps up your song nicely. 8.5/10. The only reason I don't give it a 9 is because a few lines didn't flow as well as I thought they could have.

In the fourth verse: ways simple and sad...I think the line would flow better with "in" in front of it, "in ways simple and sad."

And in the last verse: so close yet out of reach...I would have dropped "yet" from it, leaving you with "so close, out of reach." Just sounds better to me that way, and it flows better for the way I envision the song sounding. But this is my opinion. Those changes might not match up with how the song sounds to you. You be the judge.
Actually, I completely agree with you on eveything you said. I actually forgot to type in the "in" for the line "ways simple and sad" Also, I thought the "so close yet out of reach" line was really akward, I just counldn't figure out what would make it better. Thanks :smile-big

[jkingler]

^Cool! I am always glad when my advice is along the lines of what my advisee wanted to (but couldn't figure out how to) do. Then everyone is happy: I don't take much credit, and you get a great song! Glad I could be of service to ya :).

[jkingler]

This is pretty cool. Definitely not my daily fare, so I am not entrily sure what to make of it. As Aslan observes (always a keen observer, that Aslan) there are some flow issues. So I will attempt to resolve them by highlighting white words which I feel can be omitted and putting new words in bold. I hope you don't mind :sweatdrop

Deathbringer (Last of the Gunslingers)

Intro: Western showdown tune done with guitar or keyboard
Two gunshots, screams…the sound of the wind….

One shot
Blood falls to the earth
Another cowboy down
Silence settles as , the crowd awaits
To hear what the Deathbringer's will say voice
He turns to faces the dying sun
His black sillhoutte painting the dusty street
In a flash his gun is holstered
As blood pools around his feet

As the dust and blood settle
As He laughs grim and mean
Bastard, yells the widowed
As she spits at his feet [you may want to reconsider "his feet, as you say it 6 lines up and this seems a needless repitition (to me)]
May you Rot in hell you murdering scum
And suffer in Satan's heat

With eyes as cold as night [i broke this line up]
and a face as cold as the northern wind blows
His long stare cuts like a knife...
A bastard I may be, he says
and to hell I'll surely go
But alone I will not be...
That you well know

Having spokenA tumbleweed churns and he turns away [I had to take this liberty :P ]
Fading into the distance with every step
From hero to hated
A creature of terror and contempt
the Last of the Gunslingers, Death

Touch the devil and you can never let go
Cross that line and, there’s no turning back
Each bullet brings you one step that much closer
And Each death stains your soul black

Warrior of the fading sun

Pistol in hand
And death in his eyes
He awaits Many challengers come
Awaiting his own time to But he still doesn't die

Deathbringer
Last of the last Gunslingers
A puff of smoke and a , spray of blood
A gunshot echoes through the sky
He dances with the grim reaper
But he is still alive
Knowing his time is running out
Redemption's long since gone...
All he has now All he has left is a his blood stained soul
And a well used gun

Dead man walking
A Cadaver talking
He has nothing left but blood and pain
he trods his trail of corpses
And leaves a legacy of destruction

Awaiting Which bullet will be his last?His cold and bleak life
IntoWith the evening sun he fades
Trailed and haunted by the shades
Of his bloody past

The last gunslinger
Bastard childborn of the gun
Alone he wanders on
Touch the devil and you can never let go
Last of the gunslingers, your time will come

Here is my editted version. You didn't really say what you wanted us to do with your piece, so I hope you don't mind that I took the liberty to change things around.

Before editing: 7.5/10
After editing: I can't say, because I am biased :D

I must say, though, I do love how the blood pools around "his feet" and the man in question is left ambiguous. That way either the gunslinger killed his challenger or the gunslinger may himself, from that point in the song on, really be dead. Very cool and open to a lot of readings.

[NarutoFanatic]

I don't feel I have the right/possibility/potential to give a grade to any of the poems,
so...

@ Aslan: first of all, thanks for going easy on me and thanks all of u for ur encouragements, it really meant a lot! :amuse
But it will take a lot of time for me to get better I'm used to writting in french and I've only been learning english for 2 and a half years now. Time...precious precious time, that's all I need =)

ur poem really calmed me down, I could picture everything *thumbs up*
I totally agree with Shikamarurocks: a really peaceful scene although very sad

@ Shikamarurocks
My love is the ocean
so close yet out of reach
I stand here alone
alone on the beach.
for some reason... I'm going to write this part on my agenda *I'll probably finish by memorizing it and annoying my friends by repeating it over and over again =p*


@ Catonik : I really liked it, felt like the stories my cousin used to tell me...=/ =3
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Oh and from now on, Moe, Jkingler and Aslan, u're my official idols :love

[grakul]

Wow, NarutoFanatic it's soooo above my level, you have really good lyrics keep it going you have talent in you :smile-big well, I wrote this in about 10 minutes at 4:00 a.m. XD

Title: ... none ...
Writer: The aliens kidnapped me and with mind control made me write this
Music: None (wow, that's news)

It was too fast
It didn't give me time to react
But still... That hatred
Turned into plain metal and powder
Cut trough air
Ripped your skin, flesh and bone
You suddenly laid on the ground
And blood came out of your mouth
Tears from my eyes
And I didn't know what to do
So I just keeled beside you

Then you asked me to hold you
Because you were afraid
Because you didn't want to be alone
"It can't end like this"
I said to myself
"It can't end with you in my arms
With my tears on your face
With your blood on my chest
It can't end because I haven't told you
That you were never alone
Because I haven't told you
That I love you"

That's it... really... well.... whatever it's up to you to review it

[jkingler]

Oh and from now on, Moe, Jkingler and Aslan, u're my official idols

NarutoFanatic: I understand idolizing Moe and Aslan, but I fail to see why I am being held up on any sort of pedestal. Thanks for the compliment, nonetheless.

English isn't your first language? You write more eloquently and with better punctuation/spelling than a lot of people your age who are born into English! Now I am doubly impressed by your skills. Keep up the writing!

--Joe

[aslan]

ok this is gonnna be a long one

@ Aslan: first of all, thanks for going easy on me and thanks all of u for ur encouragements, it really meant a lot!
But it will take a lot of time for me to get better I'm used to writting in french and I've only been learning english for 2 and a half years now. Time...precious precious time, that's all I need =)

first off i only give points on what is good thats why I broke it down for you
you earned every point that you got

2ed of all your french!!! well that explains that jumps in the flow
you get that .5 extra now 10/10 (keep up the work you will develop a better understanding of the language as you use it)

Oh and from now on, Moe, Jkingler and Aslan, u're my official idols
now same as Jkingler said but replace "Aslan" with "Jkingler" I have no right to be worshped, esp for my song writing. I only share my heart and give my honest oppinon of what is posted here nothing more

Here is my editted version. You didn't really say what you wanted us to do with your piece, so I hope you don't mind that I took the liberty to change things around.

Before editing: 7.5/10
After editing: I can't say, because I am biased


hum the changes do give it a better flow and for some reason it reminds me of my own style (are you trying to copy my style man? jkjk)
but I would not do that my self (tamper with someones words) unless I got permisson first but I'll wait on the orignal authors oppinon on that

Title: ... none ...
Writer: The aliens kidnapped me and with mind control made me write this
Music: None (wow, that's news)

It was too fast
It didn't give me time to react
But still... That hatred
Turned into plain metal and powder
Cut trough air
Ripped your skin, flesh and bone
You suddenly laid on the ground
And blood came out of your mouth
Tears from my eyes
And I didn't know what to do
So I just keeled beside you

Then you asked me to hold you
Because you were afraid
Because you didn't wanted to be alone
"It can't end like this"
I said to myself
"It can't end with you in my arms
With my tears on your face
With your blood on my chest
It can't end because I haven't tell you
That you were never alone
Because I haven't tell you
That I love you"

That's it... really... well.... whatever it's up to you to review it

such.... power
such grace
Great story

now this is the first I will ever do this

guts 3
flow 2
structre 2
invoking emotion 3
now that adds up to 10/10 right .....


but there is more
going beyond my expections of you 5

15/10 baby yeah!!!

[mow]

You wonder why I dont come here that often. Quite simple actually, all your works are wonderful. The really are, and I cant see one flaw in them that cannot be corrected with practice and more writing, all of you who have posted are really talented.

Tina= English isnt even your first language, yet you still wrote great pieces, so that simply means you will get better and better at a RAPID pace if you continue

Grakul same goes to you, your work is marvellous, it really is, thta last song you posted was grand. I cannot wait to read more!

[jkingler]

You wonder why I dont come here that often. Quite simple actually, all your works are wonderful. The really are, and I cant see one flaw in them that cannot be corrected with practice and more writing, all of you who have posted are really talented.

I agree with what you said, but there are still those attention hogs among us (me and maybe a few others) who love it when you leave feedback *hint* :smile-big.

(are you trying to copy my style man? jkjk)

No, not really, but you couldn't blame me if I was--you would be a good guy to imitate :D.

I would not do that my self (tamper with someones words) unless I got permisson first but I'll wait on the orignal authors oppinon on that

Yeah, you make a good point. But the poster didn't say what he wanted us to do with the piece. If he says to take down the edited version, I will--no questions, no hesitation...but he hasn't said anything. I suppose I should have asked first, and I will do so next time.

Should I take the edited version down now, even though you have all already seen it, or should I wait for the author's response? I have never been in this situation, and I am not sure which course of action makes the most sense.

As for Grakul's latest entry. Great story! It is so sad that (anti)hero of your song did what he did without thinking, and then had the rest of his life to think about it. Teaches a good lesson that hits home (thought before action).

As far as structure: I really like how your lines are so natural, only rhyming at the end of each verse. It makes the rhymes (as I said with Aslan's piece) that much more powerful, and you chose really good lines to emphasize if you ask me :D. The only corrections I would make are slight ones, and you may have already noticed the little errors in there, but in the off chance that you hadn't noticed I will indulge my editorial urge again.

1) Because you didn't wanted to be alone-->Because you didn't want to be alone
2) It can't end because I haven't tell you-->It can't end because I haven't told you
3) I haven't tell you-->I haven't told you

Aside from those paltry flaws, you have a great song there. 9.5/10. And it is really good for 10 minutes of work, dude.

[aslan]

You wonder why I dont come here that often. Quite simple actually, all your works are wonderful. The really are, and I cant see one flaw in them that cannot be corrected with practice and more writing, all of you who have posted are really talented

now moe I always want your C&C you have great taste and you saying you like my work is a great honor

No, not really, but you couldn't blame me if I was--you would be a good guy to imitate .

no my style has too many flaws to be copyed

as for the editing of the other guys words, keep it up for now if it bothers him he will say

[grakul]

Men... jkingler I'm SOO bad with verbs, but that's a long story you know it started with a little mexican boy who loved watching action movies, from action movies he learned english (yeah, completely from movies, if you don't believe it...too bad :P) but any ways, the little kid grew up and now can speak english without an accent but he is not quite good at writing it :laugh Whatever thank you all for the compliments! you are really good writers as well
And to you Aslan: well, I watched the ending of Ah! My Goddess OVA and it's ma happy ending with love, but like I'm suffering a one-sided love right now, I got depressed and to me: Depression = Inspiration... I mean, I'd rather write a few songs than murder somebody :smile-big

[jkingler]

^I know what you mean. Conjugating verbs in Spanish is SO frickin' hard for me! If it gets complicated (subjunctive, etc) I usually avoid it, and probably sound funny as a result, lol. Trust: your English is a million times better than my spanish.

And I know what you mean. When I am happy, I could care less about writing, but when I am sad a word file opens up almost immediately.

Once again, congrats on the great songs. :)

[grakul]

but there is more
going beyond my expections of you 5

15/10 baby yeah!!!

Didn't notice this before, I did notice the 15/10 but... "going beyond my expections of you"... hmmmmm I wonder what were your expectations about me :blink :loool but aside my weird doubts: Thx! he he

And well jkingler thank you about the grammar, I edited the post and it's well written now :) ... but... spanish it's not that difficult is it?

BTW: NarutoFanatic (I think your name it's Tina for what I've seen in moe's posts) what's your first language?

[NarutoFanatic]

@ grakul: *claps* really nice =] ... now that it's well written *no mistakes*, even better ^^

BTW: NarutoFanatic (I think your name it's Tina for what I've seen in moe's posts) what's your first language?
all of u can call me Tina *or lkfjgnldkfjgn =| =p*
It's arabic *I don't like it though*, then comes french, and at least but not last , english... *starting Italian and japanese this summer :amuse*

2ed of all your french!!!
....I'm lebanese....=/

ok, new poem, new structure
some of the paragraphs go:
blabla bla bla rhyme 1
blabla bla bla rhyme 2
blabla bla bla random
blabla bla bla rhyme 2
blabla bla bla rhyme 1

I wrote it to Beirut *the city where I was born*, didn't polish it, just want to ask u guys if it's worth spending my time on it..=/

Beirut, if only I could see u
the way I did before
Before I knew all your streets
Before I ever saw the other side of your shore
If only I could see you

If only I was a good artist,
I’d paint over your sad lanes
I’d try to erase that dash of melancholy
In your buildings, your decays… that stain of pain
I’d mold your roads, I’d rub out the mist

I miss the old Beirut, I really do
The one where all sorts of cultures used to mix up
The one that only existed in my History book
Beirut, you’re living a bad dream… should I wake you up?
Go on, start over freshened up, I’ll help you…

I look outside my world and I envy.
Should I plead guilty for despising my country?

but suddenly a simple charm embraced me
I started to perceive patriotic hearts
I began to notice that glimpse of democracy
I saw the people forget about they're religion and thoughts
To put you back up on your feet.

Thank God things changed lately
For I now see you from another angle
A brightest one
I confess: you no longer look tangled
At last… I’m LEBANESE! I can shout it to the world proudly

Beirut, long have I been blinded by what you weren’t
I took a heck of a long time but I finally see.
If only you knew what you are to me.
-------------------------------------------------
oh and in my books, u're worth being admired =D
now same as Jkingler said but replace "Aslan" with "Jkingler" I have no right to be worshped, esp for my song writing. I only share my heart and give my honest oppinon of what is posted here nothing more
exactly why I admire you

[aslan]

....I'm lebanese....=/

sorry my bad


ok, new poem, new structure
some of the paragraphs go:
blabla bla bla rhyme 1
blabla bla bla rhyme 2
blabla bla bla random
blabla bla bla rhyme 2
blabla bla bla rhyme 1

I wrote it to Beirut *the city where I was born*, didn't polish it, just want to ask u guys if it's worth spending my time on it..=/

Beirut, if only I could see u
the way I did before
Before I knew all your streets
Before I ever saw the other side of your shore
If only I could see you

If only I was a good artist,
I’d paint over your sad lanes
I’d try to erase that dash of melancholy
In your buildings, your decays… that stain of pain
I’d mold your roads, I’d rub out the mist

I miss the old Beirut, I really do
The one where all sorts of cultures used to mix up
The one that only existed in my History book
Beirut, you’re living a bad dream… should I wake you up?
Go on, start over freshened up, I’ll help you…

I look outside my world and I envy.
Should I plead guilty for despising my country?

but suddenly a simple charm embraced me
I started to perceive patriotic hearts
I began to notice that glimpse of democracy
I saw the people forget about they're religion and thoughts
To put you back up on your feet.

Thank God things changed lately
For I now see you from another angle
A brightest one
I confess: you no longer look tangled
At last… I’m LEBANESE! I can shout it to the world proudly

Beirut, long have I been blinded by what you weren’t
I took a heck of a long time but I finally see.
If only you knew what you are to me.
-------------------------------------------------

very raw very straight forward

good build of structure and flow with a little pollishing could be very good

you moved me but not to strongly seems to be from a earlier point in your life when english was not as strong in you as it is now
8/10
give it a little work and it'll be great

oh and in my books, u're worth being admired =D

exactly why I admire you

thx love I'm not a great man/talant just a simple man

[jkingler]

This is going to be a long post: be warned!

I wrote it to Beirut *the city where I was born*, didn't polish it, just want to ask u guys if it's worth spending my time on it..=/

I think it could be a very good poem with a little work. If you care about it, you should definitely spend time on it. You would need to fix up the flow and diction, and I could help with that if you are interested, but only if you ask (I won't do what I did to The Last Gunslinger again :sweatdrop)!

I was listening to some Jimi after me and my girlfriend had a discussion on feminism and I wrote this. I just took Hey Joe, kept the melody, and changed the lyrics (blasphemy, I know) so that it would represent a feminist slant. A stupid little project to make my girl laugh, basically. It isn't good at all, imo, and I don't really want feedback unless you can't resist, but here it is.

Song title: Hey Jo
Music: Hey Joe, by Jimi Hendrix

Hey Jo, where you goin' with that bra in your hand
Hey Jo, i said where you goin' with that bra in your hand, oh
I'm goin' to burn it at a rally
You know I’m just so tired of bein’ less than a man
Yeah, I’m goin' to burn it at a rally
You know I’m just so tired of bein’ less than a man
Huh! It just ain't cool
Huh hey Jo, I heard you got a girlfriend now
You got a girl now
Hey Jo, I know you’re a lesbian now
You want those equal rights now, yeah!
Yeah!
Yes, I do, I want them
You know I’m just so damn tired just so damn tired now
Huh, yes I do, I want them
You know I want my equal pay for equal work
And I told the man
And I want ‘em
Alright
Ask him for them once again baby!
Yeah!
Oh dig it
Oh alright
Hey, Jo,
Who’re you gonna appeal to, where you gonna go
Hey Jo, i said
Who’re you gonna appeal to, where you gonna go
I'm goin' to the House
Way over to D.C., hey
Alright
I'm goin' to the House
Only way I can be free
Ain't no one gonna stop me
Ain't no dang-man gonna
He ain't gonna put a bra around me
You better believe it right now
I gotta go now
Hey, Jo
You better run on down
Good luck little lady
Hey, hey, Jo

And now to just repost this previous entry of mine, 'cause it kinda got skipped over (except by Grakul) and I really wanted some C+C on it.

Lost at Sea

(Nostalgic Acapella)

1 Where are the waves you liked to ride,
that fresh foam on your face?
When did the currents pull you under
the tide’s ebb and flow?

(Introduce guitar)

2 Now you hide underneath the tide
dragged into that small place
Why not resist it and swim harder?
Don’t go to down below

(plaintive interlude)

3 Breach the surface, I’m on your side
Don’t sink into inner space

(Powerful, angry guitar solo, tempo picks up afterwards)

4 "But the sea is so strong," you yell,
"Tried so long…can’t resist…"
You whisper “this sea inside me’s
cold, not warm, Atlantic, not Pacific!"
You whimper when it doesn’t quell
“Not strong…can’t resist it!”
Oh, but you make those tides, that sea
Paint them pessimistic

(Singer yells the next couplet)

Slanted-sight sees the sea as fell
Just open your eyes, it’s what you make it!

(Dejected, slow guitar solo)

Close:

(Melancholic acapella)

1 But you just won’t see the whole sea
The swirls and calms; swells and respites
Your small sea swallows all your yells
Your crying—I never heard it

Basically, I was trying to tell a story about a person who just can't see the brighter side of things and eventually loses sight of the good and succumbs to the bad. It is a semi-biography of Elliott Smith with bits of me thrown in there. Sorry to repost it, but I really want to know what you all think--I like this song a lot and I respect your opinions. Thanks for all your work and all your previous feedback! --Joe

[Altered]

Heres another one by me. This is probably the most depressed I ever got in my life and this writing pretty much sums it up

Artist - Will Schaefer
Song - Fly Away

Fly Away
Verse 1

Give,
Give Up The Fight
Not Worth It,
Mind Out Of Sight
Take So Little
Give It All
Life So Spiteful
See It All

Chorus

Take Me
Fly Me Away

I've Seen
This Is My Way

So Long To What I Am
So Long To All I'll Be

Verse 2

Is,
Is This For Me
Thinking
It Has To Be
Filled With Doubt
Life So Dark
I Tried To Stand
And Now I Part

Chorus

Take Me
Fly Me Away

I've Seen
This Is My Way

So Long To What I Am
So Long To All I'll Be

Breakdown

Looking Back At This
I See What I Missed
Lies Mistaken
My Life Not Taken
Should I Find A Way

Chorus

Take Me
Fly Me Away

I've Seen
This Is My Way

So Long To What I Am
So Long To All I'll Be

[jkingler]

Sorry for taking so long to reply to this amazing song. I had to read it a few tiems, digest it, and come back to it. On the whole, it is amazing and I especially like the chorus:
Take Me
Fly Me Away

I've Seen
This Is My Way

So Long To What I Am
So Long To All I'll Be

I love how simple yet deep it is. There is a lot to talk about, but I will be brief:
Take me/Fly me away is begging for intervention, because although you don't have the strength to go on, you aren't sure that you have the strength to act on your impulses either.
I've seen/This is my way: You have been thinking long and hard about your decision, and you are finally resolved to do something about it.
So Long To What I Am/So Long To All I'll Be...I love this part, because it can be taken several ways. Here are my two favorite readings:

1) "So long to what I am" could mean it has taken you so long to get where you are now, and "So long to all I'll be" could be referring to the fact that you have potential, dreams, a future a long way away.

2)It could also be taken this way: In the line "So long to what I am, so long to all I'll be," "So long" could be interpreted as meaning that you are bidding your life farewell, or saying goodbye, so to speak. You are wistfully looking back on your life and preparing to move on. This song is really well written. 10/10 (and I almost never give that score).

What was especially powerful about your song as a whole, in my opinion, was the way you articulated the theme of struggle over time, and the constant tension between wanting to fight and wanting to give up. It really hit home, and inspired me to write a song of my own addressing those themes.

I chose to use the extended metaphor of a boy in a well. If you read between the lines it is about a lot more than that. See what, if anything, it means to you. (Note: If you are particularly fond of deconstructing and analyzing poems, as I am, be aware of the fact that I am very fond of words with multiple definitions and try to use them as much and as meaningfully as possible. In other words, you can give it a quick read, or you can really plunge in with your thesaurus.)

(Note: the music is undetermined...it could go a lot of ways, just use your imagination)

Without further adieu:

The Boy in the Well

1
Trapped in isolation
In a deep, narrow well
There’s no fenestration
Save the Oculus above
2
Air is scarce and stale
It’s so cold that it burns
No light and I’ve turned pale
While freezing in this Hell
3
Inner conflagration
This flame I thought had died
Unsought confirmation
That I am still Alive
4
Yet I claw to Escape
This solid, stony cell
I grip and pull and scrape
And carom towards the top
5
I can see the capstone
Beyond the dazzling light
I know I’m almost Home
Now just beyond this hold
6
And as I reach the Gloam
I make out the summit
Soon I won’t be alone
I plunge up but plummet!
7
My hot, hot hands burned out
I should have used my Eyes
The cobbled wall smoothed out
The light blinks out of sight
8
I shouldn’t be surprised
This place always plays tricks
It’s never the same twice
Except that I’m in It
9
As I fall I think on
The times I’ve failed before
It’s Sisyphusian
There will always be more

EDIT: If there are any words you don't know and can't find, PM me and I will be happy to explain them :)

[NarutoFanatic]

don't have the time to post *I'm stealing every second * so no comment on the 2 previous poems/songs
I just want to say to Jkingler to feel free to do whatever he wants to do with my poem about beirut ^^

[jkingler]

I'm also stealing every second *in the midst of writing a paper due in an hour.* I will PM you with my input on your Beirut poem as soon as I get a chance. --Joe

[Catatonik]

A Bleak World

When the bombs dropped
The world came to a stand still
Everyone looking to the west
Away from those they had killed
It was murder of the worst kind
Mass Genocide
But those on top called it justifiable homicide

Not a lifetime later
The jungles were burning
As naïve young men
Were painfully learning
About mans worst face
Blind hatred for another race
A war of greed and fear
In a distant place

It’s a bleak world we’re living in
Bloody and war torn
Given
To us by parents
Living
In a bleak world

A world later
Yet still the same
A new war began
Once more again
This time on sands
Of gold
Over a luxury
No longer sold
Across the oceans they went
Ready to lay claim
To that which they desired
Which they would name
Black gold or oil
For which blood boiled
A war fought for none
Other than the rich and spoiled

It’s a bleak world
We live in
Bloody and war torn
Driven
By fear and rage
Given
To us by parents
Living
In a bleak world

When next the endless cycle begis
Will we we learn from our mistakes
Or bring about a final end

[grakul]

Nice one catatonik, I'm assuming you talk about WWII, Vietnam and Desert Storm... I hopt I'm right he he he, the metaphores are fine, but maybe you could be a little more specific about some things, specially in the first part, besides that it's a really "fun" thing to read (fun in the sense that it can make you get bored)

[jkingler]

^I like it, Catatonik. I really do. The angry, political song inspired me to try my hand at the angry political music genre. This is my first entry, so please be kind. There is a lot of sarcasm and irony, so don't mistake pro-war sentiment for my personal opinion. I am definitely not on that side of the fence. Here it goes:

This song is a Rage Against the Machine kinda song. Think Tom Morello on guitar and Zach de la Rocha on vocals, and that’s what the music oughta be like. Hope you like it. --Joe

Bombing King Kong

Verse 1:
You pull up to the pumps
But the nozzles don’t produce
You need to drive to work
To put your kids through schools
The Man has the answer
Let’s help the brown guys
At least that what he says
With a twinkle in his eyes

Chorus:
We drop bombs on King Kong
Bombs in Vietnam
Bombs for Godzilla
Everything, everyone
But we’ll still be alive
And some allies will, too
Bomb so there’s no sequel
To World War 2

Verse 2:
We Protect and we Serve
Our brown oil world
If we see an eye-white
That’s a strafed insurgent site
We hide way up in the sky
Remote crafts drop mis-siles
There’s no terror alert
When we drop bombs in the dirt

(Angry Morello-like guitar solo)

Verse 3:
A brave new world
Terraformed by bombs
Shells rain from the sky
On kids and their moms
And what the hell for?
Keep your eye on the prize
Just kill a little more
We’re improving their lives

Verse 4:
The bomb democracy
Drops more hypocrisy
How can we do it?
'Cause it’s just on TV
Those aren’t real people
But I drive a real car
Don't give a shit about them
Because they live so far

Chorus x 2

EDIT: Where is everyone?

[aslan]

I just got enough time to do a review so seeing as jkingler was the last post
he get the review.



Bombing King Kong

Verse 1:
You pull up to the pumps
But the nozzles don’t produce
You need to drive to work
To put your kids through schools
The Man has the answer
Let’s help the brown guys
At least that what he says
With a twinkle in his eyes

Chorus:
We drop bombs on King Kong
Bombs in Vietnam
Bombs for Godzilla
Everything, everyone
But we’ll still be alive
And some allies will, too
Bomb so there’s no sequel
To World War 2

Verse 2:
We Protect and we Serve
Our brown oil world
If we see an eye-white
That’s a strafed insurgent site
We hide way up in the sky
Remote crafts drop mis-siles
There’s no terror alert
When we drop bombs in the dirt

(Angry Morello-like guitar solo)

Verse 3:
A brave new world
Terraformed by bombs
Shells rain from the sky
On kids and their moms
And what the hell for?
Keep your eye on the prize
Just kill a little more
We’re improving their lives

Verse 4:
The bomb democracy
Drops more hypocrisy
How can we do it?
'Cause it’s just on TV
Those aren’t real people
But I drive a real car
Don't give a shit about them
Because they live so far

Chorus x 2

EDIT: Where is everyone?

well writen and well formed but I can tell that this topic is not your comfort zone while you write

there are a few things in there that sound a bit forced and at times it looks liek you might have paused and was trying ot find the right word to use ( tho I may be wrong in this assumption)

over all your getting a 7/10 good job but not your best

[grakul]

Agree with aslan, I see that you ARE motivated to write this kind of songs, but the words don't flow as easy as they do in your previous works, maybe you need some inspiration, not just the will, check some Michael Moore's movies, maybe that'll inspirate you to hate war and goverment XD

[jkingler]

Thanks Aslan, Grakul. I appreciate the feedback on Bombing King Kong. I agree with you guys: my heart wasn't in it nearly as much as with my other songs. I like it, but I am not overly atached to it. Just one of those spur of the moment, ooh-that-sounds-interesting kind of songs.

But what do you guys think of The Boy in the Well? I am much more fond of that song, and if you have to pick a song for C+C, pick that one please. I am really eager to hear what you think of it. :D --Joe

[grakul]

Just read boy in the well, it's a nice song, short phrases which I think it's cool and makes it easier to read (but that's out of topic XD), it has good use of words, I don't understand some of them ('cause I learned my english from movies :loool), but what I could understand it was well used, poor kid though, I'll say it was a "fun" song (yeah, my rating is: fun/not fun to read)

BTW: Sisyphusian... Sounds like a gay pokemon, what's that?

[aslan]

The Boy in the Well

1
Trapped in isolation
In a deep, narrow well
There’s no fenestration
Save the Oculus above
2
Air is scarce and stale
It’s so cold that it burns
No light and I’ve turned pale
While freezing in this Hell
3
Inner conflagration
This flame I thought had died
Unsought confirmation
That I am still Alive
4
Yet I claw to Escape
This solid, stony cell
I grip and pull and scrape
And carom towards the top
5
I can see the capstone
Beyond the dazzling light
I know I’m almost Home
Now just beyond this hold
6
And as I reach the Gloam
I make out the summit
Soon I won’t be alone
I plunge up but plummet!
7
My hot, hot hands burned out
I should have used my Eyes
The cobbled wall smoothed out
The light blinks out of sight
8
I shouldn’t be surprised
This place always plays tricks
It’s never the same twice
Except that I’m in It
9
As I fall I think on
The times I’ve failed before
It’s Sisyphusian
There will always be more



humm did you mean this sisyphean. cause that makes more of a conntection to the theme

humm I see your steping away from the use of rhyme structre and using flow to carry the message; very darring but also very encourged

8/10

[jkingler]

^Aslan: Sisyphean is the word I was going for :redface. I had heard Sisyphusian used in conversation and found it on Google, so I assumed that it was a word and consequently made an ass of myself in doing so. Shame on me!

Thanks for the comments. I am definitely still a fan of rhyme, but thought I would use a sort of slant-rhyme structure so that it wouldn't sound as artificial.

^^Grakul: I'll say it was a "fun" song (yeah, my rating is: fun/not fun to read)

BTW: Sisyphusian... Sounds like a gay pokemon, what's that?

Fun, you say? Could you clarify what you mean by fun? I thought it was rather depressing, actually, but there is definitely black humor in it.

Sisyphusian is not a real word. Here is the definition of Sisyphean: of relating to, or suggestive of the labors of Sisyphus.

And if you don't know who Sisyphus was, here is what m-w.com has to say about him: [Sisyphus was] a legendary king of Corinth condemned eternally to repeat the cycle of rolling a heavy rock up a hill in Hades only to have it roll down again as it nears the top

[grakul]

Fun, you say? Could you clarify what you mean by fun? I thought it was rather depressing, actually, but there is definitely black humor in it.


Fun= Nice to read, good song, not loaded with crappy words and bad phrases

Fun= Nice, good, cool, w00t, you choose
Not fun= Sucky, I hate you

[jkingler]

*Crickets chirp*

Helloooooo?

*Hopes the bump works*

[grakul]

Yeah, I was writing something, but then Resident Evil 4 turned to look at me and said "play me sucka or I'll eat your brain" and I had to obey, I hope I write something soon

[jkingler]

Here are two new songs. Hooray for jkingler the song spam whore! :party


Song # 1
I just wrote this first one. I was thinking about my upcoming vacation in Palm Springs with my girl, and my usual thought process took over. While I was writing I felt like a lot of L's would be appropriate, and this little ditty is the result.

No Time for Dreamin’

Verse 1:
Gettin’ sleepy?
Don’tcha leave me
Don’tcha dare do it, hun

Let’s lay together
A little longer
Let’s have us a little fun

Chorus:
No, there’s no time for dreamin’
When I get this feelin’
Love, our lovin’s barely begun

The way you’ve got me feelin’
Can’t believe that I’m not dreamin’
Love, our lovin’s barely begun

Verse 2:
I love you lady
Lady you’re lovely
Love me and love me anew

Oh, life’s so lovely
When love’s so lively
I’m livin’ for lovin’ you

Chorus

Baby, I love you
I’ll never leave you
Let’s just love the whole day through

I love you, baby
Oh, love I need you
I’m in love with lovin’ you

Song # 2
I reworked a poem I gave my girl a while ago, and it became the song below. I picture this song as having a very John Mayer feel to it. So when you read it, imagine him singing the way he does, playing in his idiosyncratic style--the whole nine. I repeat: it is very John Mayer!

Let's Idle Awhile

I like to dangle my feet
Over the edge of my seat
Not making contact with the ground below

But you just jump down
Hit the ground running
You push on and go—You live like an echo

Let’s compromise…
Let’s idle awhile...
Chasing time’s so fruitless; Just chill, enjoy the juices

When we lose some time
Let’s not chase it all day
When you chase time you chase your days away

Time moves too fast
All we do becomes the past
Our time only lasts in our memories

No, we can't catch time
No matter how fast we run
So let’s both sit back and collect recollections

A memory gained outweighs
A morning gone...
So if you ask me I’d say that time’s loss is our gain

Why do people run through life
When they know it’s not a footrace?
Step too lightly in life and you leave it without a trace

Let’s stay up here awhile
And look down at our feet
Just our feet in our shoes and all our lives before us

Let’s reflect on what we’ve done
Let’s enjoy the moment
Let’s both jump down and make footprints everywhere

Make memories with each motion
And together remember each
Let’s leave our marks in the turf...Let's prove we were here on this earth

Let me know what you think. As always, the more C+C, the happier I am :smile-big.
--Joe

[aslan]

sorry for nto postin here too much but my song writing has gone down due to the add on of a six string bass to my gutiar family



No Time for Dreamin’

Verse 1:
Gettin’ sleepy?
Don’tcha leave me
Don’tcha dare do it, hun

Let’s lay together
A little longer
Let’s have us a little fun

Chorus:
No, there’s no time for dreamin’
When I get this feelin’
Love, our lovin’s barely begun

The way you’ve got me feelin’
Can’t believe that I’m not dreamin’
Love, our lovin’s barely begun

Verse 2:
I love you lady
Lady you’re lovely
Love me and love me anew

Oh, life’s so lovely
When love’s so lively
I’m livin’ for lovin’ you

Chorus

Baby, I love you
I’ll never leave you
Let’s just love the whole day through

I love you, baby
Oh, love I need you
I’m in love with lovin’ you


is this in a 6/4 time?
cause I think it would really work in it.

nice happy love song very cute (no offence if it's taken as such)

thinking a bit pop/rock on this either that or bouncy gutiar unpluged
6.5/10


Let's Idle Awhile

I like to dangle my feet
Over the edge of my seat
Not making contact with the ground below

But you just jump down
Hit the ground running
You push on and go—You live like an echo

Let’s compromise…
Let’s idle awhile...
Chasing time’s so fruitless; Just chill, enjoy the juices

When we lose some time
Let’s not chase it all day
When you chase time you chase your days away

Time moves too fast
All we do becomes the past
Our time only lasts in our memories

No, we can't catch time
No matter how fast we run
So let’s both sit back and collect recollections

A memory gained outweighs
A morning gone...
So if you ask me I’d say that time’s loss is our gain

Why do people run through life
When they know it’s not a footrace?
Step too lightly in life and you leave it without a trace

Let’s stay up here awhile
And look down at our feet
Just our feet in our shoes and all our lives before us

Let’s reflect on what we’ve done
Let’s enjoy the moment
Let’s both jump down and make footprints everywhere

Make memories with each motion
And together remember each
Let’s leave our marks in the turf...Let's prove we were here on this earth

Let me know what you think. As always, the more C+C, the happier I am :smile-big.
--Joe

nice wording very nice :clap

good flow structure as always is there man me and you got to meet up and jam it out some time

8/10

[jkingler]

Aslan, I love ya man! You are the only constant feedback I get in here, lol. And it is always good feedback, too!

6/4 time? Don't know what that means *scratches head*. I tried to look it up, but all the musical definitions included other musical terms I didn't know, lol. But I trust that you know what you are talking about, so 6/4 it is! And I agree: definitely poppy, definitely bouncy guitar. Probably another John Mayer, Your Body is a Wonderland kinda song (except I really don't like that song :confused). But I am happy with it. My girlfriend will definitely get that one (since all the songs I have written are going to be my 2 year gift to her :-D).

And I am glad you liked the second song so much. It was definitely my favorite of the two. I don't like to pat myself on the back, but there are a lot of lines I am really proud of in that one. Do you have any favorites from it?

As to jamming: I don't sing or play...just a writer. Not because I have anything against either: because I have never done much of either. I only sing when my music is loud enough that I can't hear myself, lol. Although I should probably practice, since my girl will probably demand I sing the songs when she gets 'em *gulp.*

Thx for the C+C, Aslan! --Joe

[aslan]

humm I sould of said 3/4 or 6/8

ok time sigs are to do with accenting in music alot

most common time sig is 4/4 (ONE two three FOUR)

3/4 is like ONE two THREE

6/8 is Like ONE Two three FOUR five six

where thc words in caps are the accents of the beat (most common heard on the snare in a drum beat)

humm maybe i should of put this in the music 101 thread

[jkingler]

Wherefore art thou, Moe-e-o? :wah.

Hehe, we miss ya, guy. Come on back now, ya hear?

[mow]

hihi! ^(^.^"<) gomen!!!

er... i havent been here for sometime ^.^", my apologies to you all. I cant seem to give any (even remotly) decent C&C lately, even my latest reviews have been disasterous, a 1000 apologies!!!

[jkingler]

^Your worst C+C is better than a lot of ppls best. And you are the Moe. We are just happy to have you here! --Joe

[mow]

I promise to post C&C beginning from tomorrow! *runs before Joe hits him with a shoe*

EDIT: well i havent written anything in what feels like ages >.> but here's a song i wrote late last night. It's from a dream I had earlier in the day

Song name:- Love leads the way

V1:
Love declared:-
"I shall bare the torch
I wont permit you to stray in this haze"
and with a tepid grin
and a lively embrace
Love, she guide me through this maze

Chorus:
She is not franatic
she is not afarid
This is why she leads my way
She is tranquil
she is grace
This is why she leads the way

V2:
Love proclaimed:-
"I shall sail your ship
against storms and stifling waves"
and with a firm grip
and tendreness in her face
Love, my soul from hell she did save

Chorus:
She is not franatic
she is not afarid
This is why she leads my way
She is tranquil
she is grace
This is why Love leads the way

[jkingler]

*shoe narrowly misses*

Eh, I'll throw it again tomorrow.

[aslan]

I promise to post C&C beginning from tomorrow! *runs before Joe hits him with a shoe*

EDIT: well i havent written anything in what feels like ages >.> but here's a song i wrote late last night. It's from a dream I had earlier in the day

Song name:- Love leads the way

V1:
Love declared:-
"I shall bare the torch
I wont permit you to stray in this haze"
and with a tepid grin
and a lively embrace
Love, she guide me through this maze

Chorus:
She is not franatic
she is not afarid
This is why she leads my way
She is tranquil
she is grace
This is why she leads the way

V2:
Love proclaimed:-
"I shall sail your ship
against storms and stifling waves"
and with a firm grip
and tendreness in her face
Love, my soul from hell she did save

Chorus:
She is not franatic
she is not afarid
This is why she leads my way
She is tranquil
she is grace
This is why Love leads the way


my god thats one of the best chorus' I've read in a while

love it *drool*

9.5/10

[Inochi no Fushigi]

Agh. You guys make me feel inferior beyond hope. Though I play the piano, I only had one semester of class for it, so I was only able to get to about an intermediate level. Thus, my musical skills aren't near as sharp as Aslan. Kudos to you, though. Your musical skill intrigues and pleases me.

All right, well, with that said... After much deliberation, I've decided to post this. Now, before Aslan releases his ultimate pWnage of musical intuition upon me, I have to say that I write freestyle all the time unless I write music beforehand (or during) the writing of my lyrics. Typically, I have tunes playing in my head as I'm writing, but since those tunes only stay with me until the conclusion of the song, I sadly never get to write many of them down. (I also have to sing a note over a few times to figure out what it would be on a music sheet, so that sets me back sometimes too)

Unfortunately, the tune for this song came to me like lightening and I wrote as fast as I could. As soon as the lyric-writing was done, though, the melody/tune/everything left me. So, there may seem like there is a rhythm or not by just reading the lyrics, but... Okay, I'll stop babbling now. Ahem.

BUT~ Before I stop babbling, I have to say this. This song is written in dedication to a friend who is going through some tough times right now. Just five days ago, her cousin commited suicide... The song is written in first person, and all references to a person other than myself are talking about her.

Secular Sea

I see your eyes with rings around them
And the emptiness you feel
It circles me like a hungry vulture
Waiting to consume me

I've lived and seen the sky go black
And grow older with each passing day
I've lived and seen lives reembark
on a journey beyond me
There's nothing more that I can fathom
This place is vast, but bleak
I'm shouting out across the desert
But no one can reach me

And, you shouldn't even try
There's nothing you could do
I know I've gotta be stronger
There's so much I cannot do
You shouldn't even bother
This place is vast, but bleak
My life keeps getting shorter
But, you won't hear complaints from me


I play myself over and over
You make me smile and cry
When I'm imagining a better tomorrow
My thoughts go through the sky
I set my eyes to something else
Something better for me
And, when I turn to see what's left behind
I'm blind and I can't see
I'm blind and I can't see

And, you shouldn't even try
There's nothing you can do
You know you should work harder
Pick up the pieces, start to choose
You shouldn't even bother
This place is vast, but bleak
This road keeps stretching farther
I walked too far with nothing to gain at all

You shouldn't even bother
Why cry yourself to sleep?
This road keeps stretching farther
Beyond where you can see

And, you shouldn't even bother
This place is vast, but bleak
I keep slippin' farther
I'm blind and I can't see
I'm blind and I can't see

And, you shouldn't even try
There's nothing you could do
I know I've gotta be stronger
There's so much I cannot do
You shouldn't even bother
This place is vast, but bleak
My life keeps getting shorter
But, you won't hear complaints from me

~------~*

All critique is welcome. Just don't be too harsh, please, since this song has emotional importance to both my friend and me.

[mow]

Im dumbfounded and awe struck. I cannot think of anytime I felt so much emotions running throughout my body in such a long hile because I read a song. This is superb. every word is perfectly chosen, not even a letter is in excess. Well balanced and above all, illuminates so much feelings and emotions. this is a definate 10/10.

PS. I do hope your friend manages to rise out through her turmoil. I am sure she will, as she hasa marvelous frined like yourself who cares for her/him as much as you do :)

[aslan]

Agh. You guys make me feel inferior beyond hope. Though I play the piano, I only had one semester of class for it, so I was only able to get to about an intermediate level. Thus, my musical skills aren't near as sharp as Aslan. Kudos to you, though. Your musical skill intrigues and pleases me.

thank you dear but you knowing panio puts you a step over me and all my musical knowledge is self taught and thus subject to error


Now, before Aslan releases his ultimate pWnage of musical intuition upon me


humm I never pwn just give advise

Secular Sea

I see your eyes with rings around them
And the emptiness you feel
It circles me like a hungry vulture
Waiting to consume me

I've lived and seen the sky go black
And grow older with each passing day
I've lived and seen lives reembark
on a journey beyond me
There's nothing more that I can fathom
This place is vast, but bleak
I'm shouting out across the desert
But no one can reach me

And, you shouldn't even try
There's nothing you could do
I know I've gotta be stronger
There's so much I cannot do
You shouldn't even bother
This place is vast, but bleak
My life keeps getting shorter
But, you won't hear complaints from me


I play myself over and over
You make me smile and cry
When I'm imagining a better tomorrow
My thoughts go through the sky
I set my eyes to something else
Something better for me
And, when I turn to see what's left behind
I'm blind and I can't see
I'm blind and I can't see

And, you shouldn't even try
There's nothing you can do
You know you should work harder
Pick up the pieces, start to choose
You shouldn't even bother
This place is vast, but bleak
This road keeps stretching farther
I walked too far with nothing to gain at all

You shouldn't even bother
Why cry yourself to sleep?
This road keeps stretching farther
Beyond where you can see

And, you shouldn't even bother
This place is vast, but bleak
I keep slippin' farther
I'm blind and I can't see
I'm blind and I can't see

And, you shouldn't even try
There's nothing you could do
I know I've gotta be stronger
There's so much I cannot do
You shouldn't even bother
This place is vast, but bleak
My life keeps getting shorter
But, you won't hear complaints from me



you have a wonderful skill at free form that is very clear

I love the way the words work in a circle near the end giving it a draw of attn to the words

"This place is vast, but bleak"

very good writing close to the heart; you pulled from emotion and thus the words are not forced giving it a lovly flow.

9/10


EDIT: upon a 2ed reading of this I must say it moved me more

you bring tears to my eyes

14/10

plus a little rep too

[Inochi no Fushigi]

Uh... Wow... I really didn't expect you guys to like to so much. Well, thank you very much for everything you had to say. I'm happy I didn't embarrass myself, or anything.

Um... Well, you two are just awesome anyway. Thank you.

[mow]

wrote this in a minute, crappy-listic (is that a word :blink) needs truck load of work, will probabily combine it with another one I made:-

Verse 1:-
I was born for you
to forever pull you a chair
to lightly brush your hair
to aegis you with a prayer

but the jokes on me
I grin through my tears
I walk with fear
Please I beg you, come near

Chorus:-
What will you miss the most?
Afraid i'll haunt you like a ghost?
Sigh, why cant I get through
Darling, what must I do?

[aslan]

Uh... Wow... I really didn't expect you guys to like to so much. Well, thank you very much for everything you had to say. I'm happy I didn't embarrass myself, or anything.

Um... Well, you two are just awesome anyway. Thank you.

hey you warreted what you got love



Verse 1:-
I was born for you
to forever pull you a chair
to lightly brush your hair
to aegis you with a prayer

but the jokes on me
I grin through my tears
I walk with fear
Please I beg you, come near

Chorus:-
What will you miss the most?
Afraid i'll haunt you like a ghost?
Sigh, why cant I get through
Darling, what must I do?

good start looks like it's gonna be a good one

[jkingler]

Secular Sea

I see your eyes with rings around them
And the emptiness you feel
It circles me like a hungry vulture
Waiting to consume me

I've lived and seen the sky go black
And grow older with each passing day
I've lived and seen lives reembark
on a journey beyond me
There's nothing more that I can fathom
This place is vast, but bleak
I'm shouting out across the desert
But no one can reach me

And, you shouldn't even try
There's nothing you could do
I know I've gotta be stronger
There's so much I cannot do
You shouldn't even bother
This place is vast, but bleak
My life keeps getting shorter
But, you won't hear complaints from me


I play myself over and over
You make me smile and cry
When I'm imagining a better tomorrow
My thoughts go through the sky
I set my eyes to something else
Something better for me
And, when I turn to see what's left behind
I'm blind and I can't see
I'm blind and I can't see

And, you shouldn't even try
There's nothing you can do
You know you should work harder
Pick up the pieces, start to choose
You shouldn't even bother
This place is vast, but bleak
This road keeps stretching farther
I walked too far with nothing to gain at all

You shouldn't even bother
Why cry yourself to sleep?
This road keeps stretching farther
Beyond where you can see

And, you shouldn't even bother
This place is vast, but bleak
I keep slippin' farther
I'm blind and I can't see
I'm blind and I can't see

And, you shouldn't even try
There's nothing you could do
I know I've gotta be stronger
There's so much I cannot do
You shouldn't even bother
This place is vast, but bleak
My life keeps getting shorter
But, you won't hear complaints from me

I like it a lot. A lot a lot. Seriously, you shouldn't feel inadequate at all. You just pwned half of us and half of our songs :amazed No contest :sweatdrop

Awesome song. Reading it I definitely picked up on a melody (and I am not a musical person, though I do love music, so that is really saying something). This, in the hands of the right band, would be amazing. Or maybe even in your own hands, if you ever get the melody back and decide to record it (if you do let me know/PM it to me!).

The rhythm and structure are there for sure. The lyrics are powerful, meaningful, and not difficult to understand--the 3 most important criteria, IMO, of a great song.

I see your eyes with rings around them
And the emptiness you feel
It circles me like a hungry vulture
Waiting to consume me

That is just so powerful. It is one of the most visually compelling stanzas I have read in a long time. I just love how the circles around your friend's eyes are echoed by the circuit the metaphoric vultures are taking around you. There is so much to say about just this part, but I am not eloquent enough to say it. So I will just say "wow."

I don't have a favorite part, because I like it all. It really resonated with me because I have gone through situations like this. I have been both the shoulder to cry on and the cryer, and it makes sense from both perspectives...to me at least.

I will shut up now and let your words speak for themselves. Great song. 9.25/10 (I think this is the highest score I have given).

_________________

Now here is a song of mine. It is about my grandfather who struggled with Alzheimer's for a long time, and whose dementia was quite pronounced. He was almost never able to remember who I was, how old I was, or anything past when I was about 7 years old. It always broke my heart that he had to live like that and that there was no way to help him make sense of things. I would tell him everything he asked whenever he asked, but the next time I talked with him he wouldn't recognize me and he would ask me the same questions all over again. He was one of the most important figures in my life, and so although this is my first, it probably won't be the last song I write about him.

Mobius Loop

Verse 1:
I wake up
See this desiccated
Creature before me

Who is he
This old man?
Get’m away from me!

I reach out
And push him feebly
Push him away

My palm’s met
With cold, hard glass
The mirror falls and breaks

Chorus:
How did I~
How did I get here?
Is he really me?

How do I~
How do I make this
Go a-way?

Verse 2:
All I saw
Was a shabby shill
A hollowed shell of me

And last I
Remembered
I wasn’t quite so gray

Can’t be me
I don’t remember
Being this way

But I can’t
Can’t remember
Much of anything

Chorus 2:
Who am I~
Who am I here?
Am I really me?

How can I~
How can I make me
Make sense to me?

Verse 3:
I just need
Someone to talk to
Somebody who I know

But my friends
Are all long gone
Dust in the wind

My love left
She’s long gone, too
People do pass on

Yet I’m here
A failed memento
A relic lingering on

Chorus 3:
Why am I~
Why am I still here?
All alone

When was I~
When was I abandoned
By everyone?

Verse 4:
But in walks
Some young man waving
Who’s he supposed to be?

He knows me
But I don’t know him
“Grandpa” he pleads

There’s no way
I don’t believe him
He can’t be so old

He’s the age
My daughter is
Time doesn’t fold!

Chorus End:
All lies, lies~
Everyone here’s a liar
Especially me

Why will I~
Why will I end this
End this way?


InF: really, thank you for posting. I swear, I am almost always inspired to write when I see the stuff you guys post! Let me know what you think. --Joe

[mow]

My god thas was beautiful, the flow, the intesity, the passion behind every word. Im trying to give you a decent C&C for pete's sake but your not helping me! this is just so good, so powerful.

My palm’s met
With cold, hard glass
The mirror falls and breaks

^ those three lines, if the song only consisted of them it would still be great. It gives such a feeling when I close my eyes, I can swear I can almost feel the glass. It's that great.

I just need
Someone to talk to
Somebody who I know

But my friends
Are all long gone
Dust in the wind

My love left
She’s long gone, too
People do pass on

Yet I’m here
A failed memento
A relic lingering on

^ desperation at its best. Like hanging in the crossroads. I can feel him being stuck in a moment, unable to even move slightly away from it.

But in walks
Some young man waving
Who’s he supposed to be?

He knows me
But I don’t know him
“Grandpa” he pleads

There’s no way
I don’t believe him
He can’t be so old

He’s the age
My daughter is
Time doesn’t fold!

^ the ultimate verse, the cherry on top. The big bang, what ever you wanna call it, this is the best finsih for the song, it would be even better f you used this as the final ending (and removed the chorus, this verse is just that magnificent)

after reading this and Ino's, im left like this ---> :amazed
freaking brilliant. that's a 10/10, it may seem im giving to much perfect scores, but your lyrics really moved me, and thats what i look for in music. brilliant brilliant brilliant soong

[grakul]

14/10

plus a little rep too

Wow, I nearly lose, XD, I really have to get depressed again *goes to a corner and tries to cry*.......................................didn't work, I'll have to wait for inspiration, but I'll post something soon, wheter you like it por not XD

[jkingler]

^Chances are, given what you've written in the past and what I know you are capable of, we'll like it :)

^^Moe: I changed the last verse. I agree, it was the weakest link *goodbye.* See, you're C+C really helped my song. If I ever publish anything, I will credit you, dude :smile-big.


Here is my C+C. Hope it helps (but I know you aren't done...take it with a grain of salt :P).
Verse 1:-
I was born for you
to forever pull you a chair
to lightly brush your hair
to aegis you with a prayer

but the jokes on me
I grin through my tears
I walk with fear
Please I beg you, come near

Chorus:-
What will you miss the most?
Afraid i'll haunt you like a ghost?
Sigh, why cant I get through
Darling, what must I do?

The only part I don't love is the bit here:
What will you miss the most?
Afraid i'll haunt you like a ghost?

It just seems to me like there should be a transition between what she'll miss and what she is afraid of. It flows rhythm-wise, but the thoughts don't flow together, for me at least. Aside from that, you are off to a good start. Nice rhyme, structure, and very real idea. I know the feeling, bro.

I will hold off on a score until I see more, but do not trash this song. It is looking good. --Joe

[mow]

The only part I don't love is the bit here:

It just seems to me like there should be a transition between what she'll miss and what she is afraid of. It flows rhythm-wise, but the thoughts don't flow together, for me at least. Aside from that, you are off to a good start. Nice rhyme, structure, and very real idea. I know the feeling, bro.


It scares me how you and I can be on the same wavelenght almost all the time, I was like this :confused when I read that line. I know the idea im searchign for, yet for some reason, I cant seem to place it in terms that will create a smooth sailing. Im gonna work on it today, and see what I can do to fix it up a bit. thanks for the C&C mate :smile-big

[mow]

New song, another one wrote in a minute, not much to it, but im glad to be at least writing little songs now, ill be able to combine bits and pieces for later use. Better one good song than 3 mediocre:-

for you my angel
a blossomed flower kissed with dew
for chasing away my demons
for healing scars turned blue

for you my angel
an eternity I'll stand in cue
for the serenity you bestow
for the wonder the is you

[grakul]

Z O M F G !! MOE DOUBLE POSTED *screams*

Enough with the spam, So I'm kinda back, here is my latest work, and sorry all for not giving any reviews (they aren't that good anyways XD) but I only review after I post something he he...

Title: Fake Letters

(Chorus)
Why does happiness
seems to be such a faraway promise
in this land of suffering and lies?
Why use a mirror and hide your pity
as love?
(Done with chorus)

I just don't really know why
But I thought I was happy once
Getting all those fake letters from you
Letters of support and love
Letters that allowed me to get over
Any tragedy
Any problem

They say "Truth in painful"
But this time truth is dead
I want to tell you something
But the words still don't come out
My feelings aren't the ones I wan't to feel
I can't hate you
No matter what I say or do
The truth for me is that I fell in love with you

(Chorus)

I Don't really understand,
Why put so much effort
In something that you don't think it's really worth it?
Sending those fake letters of joy
When your feelings where sick ones
When you only wanted to use me

I don't really understand,
Why do I keep loving someone like you?
Why did I think so highly of you?
How did I fell on the trap of your arms?
To only realize
You are nothing but a garden of ice
Beautiful, but still to cold

(Chorus)

It's bad, I think that I'll get (In aslan scoring) about 6 or less XD, but that's all I could come up with, I actually like to write original stories, but this is a thread about songs XD

BTW Inochi no Fushigi: Great song!, you are good, and Aslan it's not a bad guy, actually he gave 15/10 to someone like me, but beware, I think he's just being easy with n00bs :loool

[jkingler]

New song, another one wrote in a minute, not much to it, but im glad to be at least writing little songs now, ill be able to combine bits and pieces for later use. Better one good song than 3 mediocre:-

for you my angel
a blossomed flower kissed with dew
for chasing away my demons
for healing scars turned blue

for you my angel
an eternity I'll stand in cue
for the serenity you bestow
for the wonder the is you

Looking good, looking good. :)

I can definitely relate to this part:
for chasing away my demons
for healing scars turned blue
It takes a special kind of person to do that. I continue to hope for the best with you and your situation.

The chasing away demons and healing scars bit reminds me of a poem I wrote a while ago. You've inspired me yet again...I am now going to find that poem and turn it into a song :). --Joe

PS: I agree, a song is greater than the sum of its parts, so 3 mediocre parts < 1 great song. Let us know when you churn that next great song out :thumbs

[Yeux]

Agh. You guys make me feel inferior beyond hope. Though I play the piano, I only had one semester of class for it, so I was only able to get to about an intermediate level. Thus, my musical skills aren't near as sharp as Aslan. Kudos to you, though. Your musical skill intrigues and pleases me.

All right, well, with that said... After much deliberation, I've decided to post this. Now, before Aslan releases his ultimate pWnage of musical intuition upon me, I have to say that I write freestyle all the time unless I write music beforehand (or during) the writing of my lyrics. Typically, I have tunes playing in my head as I'm writing, but since those tunes only stay with me until the conclusion of the song, I sadly never get to write many of them down. (I also have to sing a note over a few times to figure out what it would be on a music sheet, so that sets me back sometimes too)

Unfortunately, the tune for this song came to me like lightening and I wrote as fast as I could. As soon as the lyric-writing was done, though, the melody/tune/everything left me. So, there may seem like there is a rhythm or not by just reading the lyrics, but... Okay, I'll stop babbling now. Ahem.

BUT~ Before I stop babbling, I have to say this. This song is written in dedication to a friend who is going through some tough times right now. Just five days ago, her cousin commited suicide... The song is written in first person, and all references to a person other than myself are talking about her.

Secular Sea

I see your eyes with rings around them
And the emptiness you feel
It circles me like a hungry vulture
Waiting to consume me

I've lived and seen the sky go black
And grow older with each passing day
I've lived and seen lives reembark
on a journey beyond me
There's nothing more that I can fathom
This place is vast, but bleak
I'm shouting out across the desert
But no one can reach me

And, you shouldn't even try
There's nothing you could do
I know I've gotta be stronger
There's so much I cannot do
You shouldn't even bother
This place is vast, but bleak
My life keeps getting shorter
But, you won't hear complaints from me


I play myself over and over
You make me smile and cry
When I'm imagining a better tomorrow
My thoughts go through the sky
I set my eyes to something else
Something better for me
And, when I turn to see what's left behind
I'm blind and I can't see
I'm blind and I can't see

And, you shouldn't even try
There's nothing you can do
You know you should work harder
Pick up the pieces, start to choose
You shouldn't even bother
This place is vast, but bleak
This road keeps stretching farther
I walked too far with nothing to gain at all

You shouldn't even bother
Why cry yourself to sleep?
This road keeps stretching farther
Beyond where you can see

And, you shouldn't even bother
This place is vast, but bleak
I keep slippin' farther
I'm blind and I can't see
I'm blind and I can't see

And, you shouldn't even try
There's nothing you could do
I know I've gotta be stronger
There's so much I cannot do
You shouldn't even bother
This place is vast, but bleak
My life keeps getting shorter
But, you won't hear complaints from me

~------~*

All critique is welcome. Just don't be too harsh, please, since this song has emotional importance to both my friend and me.

In the past, I've had people write poems and songs about me... But, I think you're the only one that has captured -- every ... every EMOTION that has flowed through me this last week or so... You voice it better than _I_ can.

I don't have a favorite part. I'm still in awe of it... It's easier saying this on here than it is when I'm talking directly to you. I'm not sure why, but, argh -- I digress.

You, obviously, get a 10 out of 10 from me... Not only because the song is dedicated to me, we're best friends and in the same band -- but because you're a beautiful person and a wonderful writer. You've outdone yourself.

Keep at it.

[Inochi no Fushigi]

Wow, I nearly lose, XD, I really have to get depressed again *goes to a corner and tries to cry*.......................................didn't work, I'll have to wait for inspiration, but I'll post something soon, wheter you like it por not XD

You don't have to be depressed to write a good song. xD I've written quite a few songs where I was happy. I think a song should convey all sides of you, but you have the choice to either put everything you have emotionally out in the open in your writing, or you can keep it in. Sometimes, when I have the right kind of inspiration (too bad it's kind of rare), I am able to write about emotions portrayed by someone else. In the case of Secular Sea, I was trying to write from my friend's perspective, but with the emotions I think we both could have felt. Jkingler hit that nail right on the head. I'm happy someone was able to notice it. xD

In the past, I've had people write poems and songs about me... But, I think you're the only one that has captured -- every ... every EMOTION that has flowed through me this last week or so... You voice it better than _I_ can.

I don't have a favorite part. I'm still in awe of it... It's easier saying this on here than it is when I'm talking directly to you. I'm not sure why, but, argh -- I digress.

You, obviously, get a 10 out of 10 from me... Not only because the song is dedicated to me, we're best friends and in the same band -- but because you're a beautiful person and a wonderful writer. You've outdone yourself.

Keep at it.

Heh, I guess I just have a way with words? J/K xD Well, I'm happy you like it. When I first showed it to you, you seemed veeery impartial about it. I'm happy it didn't come off that way for real, then.

Btw, I love you, chicka. You know I'll stick around when things get tough for you--not just write you sappy friend songs. Haha. XD Hugs and kisses for my best friend. <33[/end sappy friend rant]

[jkingler]

Grakul:

But the words still don't come out
My feelings aren't the ones I wan't to feel
I can't hate you
No matter what I say or do

These lyrics really hit home with me. Maybe not in the way you meant them, but they helped inspire me to write another song about my grandfather. When he passed away I couldn't grieve. I had feelings of guilt, feelings of loss, I wanted to hate him, I was confused about what his death meant to me, and I was unable to cry for him for about 2 years. I never saw him as much as I wanted to, but notwithstanding that he is one of the more prominent figures in my life. I wrote this song about those feelings I had but couldn't express.


Away from me forever

Eternal sun shines
On spotless minds
But I wouldn’t know
I know you’re gone

And it’s sad but sometimes
I’d unwind my mind
I’d erase you so
I could be alone

I hate that your smile’s
The memorable kind
Your image won’t leave
And it feels like home

So when my eyes play tricks
On me and find
Your familiar shadow
I close them...

I know
I should cry
But I can’t find tears
Surely you deserve some

But they’re
Just not there
This flood won’t fall
My eyes stay desert dry

If I
Could get the tears going
Would the torrent’s flowing
Wash you away?

I love you
Too much and
I just can’t take
You being a memory

So I try
writing you a eulogy
So I can feel
You here with me

A ghost of you
Beats nothing
But nothing’s
All I find

I can’t form the lines
I want to write
My feelings
Defy language

So what...
I want to say
I just can’t say
I know you deserve better

I searched my depths
But what I found
Was like words
Without letters…

I’d cry
If I could
But I can’t
Find my tears

I promise
I would
But I can’t
face my fears

What if this
flood falls and
you’re washed away?
Away from me forever...

Man, this is another one of those songs that had me crying as I wrote it. It took a lot of time to get the feelings right and it too a lot out of me to write it, so I hope you like it.

[grakul]

If I
Could get the tears going
Would the torrent?s flowing
Wash you away?


Good lord that's freakin amazing!!! wow, really that has such feeling, really, it's good, the song it's fun to read (again with my crappy review system) short phrases but that transmit a lot of emotion so there is no more need in making them longer, this is a really good song, and well, my grandmother it's really sick (my family don't wanna say anything) but I think she may die soon, and I feel nothing, neither when an aunt died, many ppl in my family were really sad,. but I felt nothing... at all, it's kinda scary, well then it's areally good song, and I'm glad that my phrases help you inspire (I'd like a review though XD)

And BTW: Now that your song it's the last one posted, no one will review mine... :notrust

[Inochi no Fushigi]

Grakul:



These lyrics really hit home with me. Maybe not in the way you meant them, but they helped inspire me to write another song about my grandfather. When he passed away I couldn't grieve. I had feelings of guilt, feelings of loss, I wanted to hate him, I was confused about what his death meant to me, and I was unable to cry for him for about 2 years. I never saw him as much as I wanted to, but notwithstanding that he is one of the more prominent figures in my life. I wrote this song about those feelings I had but couldn't express.


Away from me forever

Eternal sun shines
On spotless minds
But I wouldn’t know
I know you’re gone

And it’s sad but sometimes
I’d unwind my mind
I’d erase you so
I could be alone

I hate that your smile’s
The memorable kind
Your image won’t leave
And it feels like home

So when my eyes play tricks
On me and find
Your familiar shadow
I close them...

I know
I should cry
But I can’t find tears
Surely you deserve some

But they’re
Just not there
This flood won’t fall
My eyes stay desert dry

If I
Could get the tears going
Would the torrent’s flowing
Wash you away?

I love you
Too much and
I just can’t take
You being a memory

So I try
writing you a eulogy
So I can feel
You here with me

A ghost of you
Beats nothing
But nothing’s
All I find

I can’t form the lines
I want to write
My feelings
Defy language

So what...
I want to say
I just can’t say
I know you deserve better

I searched my depths
But what I found
Was like words
Without letters…

I’d cry
If I could
But I can’t
Find my tears

I promise
I would
But I can’t
face my fears

What if this
flood falls and
you’re washed away?
Away from me forever...

If I
Could get the tears going
Would the torrent’s flowing
Wash you away?

I love you
Too much and
I just can’t take
You being a memory...

Man, this is another one of those songs that had me crying as I wrote it. It took a lot of time to get the feelings right and it too a lot out of me to write it, so I hope you like it.

Very nice stuff, man. You get easily inspired, huh? I have trouble doing that. Well, at least that easy inspiration brings forth very prominent hard work and emotion. I feel your frustration, your confusion, and the power behind those two components in this song. Beautifully done, but what I feel is lacking might be the final climax of feeling. I don't know. It was good, but it didn't make the hair of my neck stand on end. It didn't give me goosebumps. I felt it emotionally, but that feeling only went so far.

In the end, it was a beautiful piece, though, man. In your last works, I loved your allusion to Greek mythology and the metaphoric phrases you'd use; but in this one, I found all the words to be very straightforward and yet they seemed to hold more meaning than would appear upon the first read. I loved it. 9/10

And BTW: Now that your song it's the last one posted, no one will review mine...

I'll review it tomorrow when I get done with homework. Right now, I gotta go to bed. xD

[jkingler]

^Would you recommend I get rid of that final repitition of my chorus? I.e. Let it end like this:

I’d cry
If I could
But I can’t
Find my tears

I promise
I would
But I can’t
face my fears

What if this
flood falls and
you’re washed away?
Away from me forever...

I was thinking about doing that, and I thought it would be more powerful, but I was afriad it might make it end too abruptly. What do you think? Should I? --Joe

[grakul]

^Would you recommend I get rid of that final repitition of my chorus? I.e. Let it end like this:

I?d cry
If I could
But I can?t
Find my tears

I promise
I would
But I can?t
face my fears

What if this
flood falls and
you?re washed away?
Away from me forever...

I was thinking about doing that, and I thought it would be more powerful, but I was afriad it might make it end too abruptly. What do you think? Should I? --Joe

Not at all, you do that Joe (can I call you Joe?), I think it ends way better this way... Have you all noticed that this is like a little club?... look:

President and music maniac: Moe
Vice-President and always reviewing: Aslan
Honor Member and constant writer (good too): Jkingler
Members: Inochi No Fushigi, NarutoFanatic, Grakul and some others

We should move to the same city and make a band :loool it would be nice

[jkingler]

^Repitition of chorus removed. Thanks for the advice--all I needed was a push in the right direction :).

[mow]

wohoo! Seems the muse is staying in our places tonight aint she? :P I'll tackle grakul;s song

Mate: Loved your song, though Ive read it thorughly, i still come back to these 2 great lines:
They say "Truth in painful"
But this time truth is dead

they are spot on, simple, direct yet cause a flood of emotions to occur. If you just repeated these lines for the entire span of an album I would listen to it. They are that good.

Ill re rate your song clearly tomorrow, as my opinion is totally biased due to those lines, and UI dont think Ill provide you with a fair review atm. So expect a more detialed review tomorrow :thumbs

[jkingler]

^^^See Grak? You are getting C+C :thumbs

^Moe: Where is my C+C *puppy dog eyes: the shameless, age-old appeal for pity :P*

[mow]

~(*.*)~ <--hypnotized by Joe's puppy eyes

lol, I will C&C both you and Grak's songs in fully tomorrow, check your pm for reasons why I cant at the moment ^.^

[Inochi no Fushigi]

Title: Fake Letters

(Chorus)
Why does happiness
seems to be such a faraway promise
in this land of suffering and lies?
Why use a mirror and hide your pity
as love?
(Done with chorus)

I just don't really know why
But I thought I was happy once
Getting all those fake letters from you
Letters of support and love
Letters that allowed me to get over
Any tragedy
Any problem

They say "Truth in painful"
But this time truth is dead
I want to tell you something
But the words still don't come out
My feelings aren't the ones I wan't to feel
I can't hate you
No matter what I say or do
The truth for me is that I fell in love with you

(Chorus)

I Don't really understand,
Why put so much effort
In something that you don't think it's really worth it?
Sending those fake letters of joy
When your feelings where sick ones
When you only wanted to use me

I don't really understand,
Why do I keep loving someone like you?
Why did I think so highly of you?
How did I fell on the trap of your arms?
To only realize
You are nothing but a garden of ice
Beautiful, but still to cold

(Chorus)

Hm... I want to give it a 6. Now, I'm not trying to be mean, or anything. xD Remember that a 5 is average, so I thought it was above average. I don't know. I just wasn't feeling it. Maybe I'm not in the right mood for a song like this (Yes, I have to be in the right mood to really feel a song). I can definitely relate to the words, and I mean by every word--but I just couldn't feel it in my soul. I'm not trying to be harsh, though. It was still a good song. :3

BTW Inochi no Fushigi: Great song!, you are good, and Aslan it's not a bad guy, actually he gave 15/10 to someone like me, but beware, I think he's just being easy with n00bs :loool

N00bdom is a curse. xD Hopefully, we'll be over it in a little while. n_n In the meantime, thank you for your compliment. =D

[aslan]

Mobius Loop

Verse 1:
I wake up
See this desiccated
Creature before me

Who is he
This old man?
Get’m away from me!

I reach out
And push him feebly
Push him away

My palm’s met
With cold, hard glass
The mirror falls and breaks

Chorus:
How did I~
How did I get here?
Is he really me?

How do I~
How do I make this
Go a-way?

Verse 2:
All I saw
Was a shabby shill
A hollowed shell of me

And last I
Remembered
I wasn’t quite so gray

Can’t be me
I don’t remember
Being this way

But I can’t
Can’t remember
Much of anything

Chorus 2:
Who am I~
Who am I here?
Am I really me?

How can I~
How can I make me
Make sense to me?

Verse 3:
I just need
Someone to talk to
Somebody who I know

But my friends
Are all long gone
Dust in the wind

My love left
She’s long gone, too
People do pass on

Yet I’m here
A failed memento
A relic lingering on

Chorus 3:
Why am I~
Why am I still here?
All alone

When was I~
When was I abandoned
By everyone?

Verse 4:
But in walks
Some young man waving
Who’s he supposed to be?

He knows me
But I don’t know him
“Grandpa” he pleads

There’s no way
I don’t believe him
He can’t be so old

He’s the age
My daughter is
Time doesn’t fold!

Chorus End:
All lies, lies~
Everyone here’s a liar
Especially me

Why will I~
Why will I end this
End this way?


InF: really, thank you for posting. I swear, I am almost always inspired to write when I see the stuff you guys post! Let me know what you think. --Joe

humm here we go
man thats a song I can sign along too
don't see any major flaws at all
wordings great

7.5/10


for you my angel
a blossomed flower kissed with dew
for chasing away my demons
for healing scars turned blue

for you my angel
an eternity I'll stand in cue
for the serenity you bestow
for the wonder the is you

short very short
at the moment seeing as I'm falling in love with someone theses words jit home

this could become a well crafted song but for now it looks incomplete
6.5/10


Title: Fake Letters

(Chorus)
Why does happiness
seems to be such a faraway promise
in this land of suffering and lies?
Why use a mirror and hide your pity
as love?
(Done with chorus)

I just don't really know why
But I thought I was happy once
Getting all those fake letters from you
Letters of support and love
Letters that allowed me to get over
Any tragedy
Any problem

They say "Truth in painful"
But this time truth is dead
I want to tell you something
But the words still don't come out
My feelings aren't the ones I wan't to feel
I can't hate you
No matter what I say or do
The truth for me is that I fell in love with you

(Chorus)

I Don't really understand,
Why put so much effort
In something that you don't think it's really worth it?
Sending those fake letters of joy
When your feelings where sick ones
When you only wanted to use me

I don't really understand,
Why do I keep loving someone like you?
Why did I think so highly of you?
How did I fell on the trap of your arms?
To only realize
You are nothing but a garden of ice
Beautiful, but still to cold

(Chorus)

humm ok
this I think is a great story would make a good dramitic monologe
or a writen poem

but as a song it does not hold the structre and flow needed for music

so I'm giving you three scores

as a monologe 9.5/10
as a poem 10/10
as a song 6.5/10

this is all I can do for right now but I will review the rest soon

(just stop adding them ;))

[jkingler]

^Stop adding them? Maybe for a while...I am kinda busy in the BG FC! :laugh

[aslan]

Away from me forever

Eternal sun shines
On spotless minds
But I wouldn’t know
I know you’re gone

And it’s sad but sometimes
I’d unwind my mind
I’d erase you so
I could be alone

I hate that your smile’s
The memorable kind
Your image won’t leave
And it feels like home

So when my eyes play tricks
On me and find
Your familiar shadow
I close them...

I know
I should cry
But I can’t find tears
Surely you deserve some

But they’re
Just not there
This flood won’t fall
My eyes stay desert dry

If I
Could get the tears going
Would the torrent’s flowing
Wash you away?

I love you
Too much and
I just can’t take
You being a memory

So I try
writing you a eulogy
So I can feel
You here with me

A ghost of you
Beats nothing
But nothing’s
All I find

I can’t form the lines
I want to write
My feelings
Defy language

So what...
I want to say
I just can’t say
I know you deserve better

I searched my depths
But what I found
Was like words
Without letters…

I’d cry
If I could
But I can’t
Find my tears

I promise
I would
But I can’t
face my fears

What if this
flood falls and
you’re washed away?
Away from me forever...


huumm ok
I see where the peice is comming from but the wording does not move me exclatly (it may be that my minds not into it tonight I'm not sure)
I see lots of good structure and flow here tho and as you said you pull this from your heart.

8/10

[grakul]

Yeah you're damn right Aslan, I think I don't really write music, since none of the lyrics I've wrote until now have come with a tune to my head, I only express my feelings and that's it, that's why they don't have any "music flow" in them, but ever since I found this thread I wanted to post my words here (and I'm now aware that there are some poem thread, but I just enjoy writing here now XD)

Title: None

I thought I was making you happy
By walking by your side
I thought I was making you feel alive
By holding you in my arms
But like always
I'm happen to be wrong again
'Cause it seems
That I was just a bother
'Cause it seems
That I was just stealing your breath,
Making you suffer
And erasing your smile,
But don't you worry anymore my love
'Cause I won't be breathing anymore

It's really small (I think smaller that the "Desert" one), and I don't think it's good either, but I feel kinda sad and I wanted to put my feelings into some words he he

The next one just came up in school, It doesn't really have my feelings since I only write about depressing things XD (I'm sooo average teenager)

Title: What have they done?

They Haven't done anything
But to share this world with you
And even so,
You wish to take them down
No matter what the cost

They haven't done anything
But to have another skin color
And even so,
You can't stop hating them
So strongly

You are surrounded
By money, power and guns
So tell me
From where all that insecurity
Comes from?
From where all that ambition
Arrives?
How big is your ignorance
That you decide to end lives
Just because?

They haven't done anything
But to be right next to you
Don't disturb you to have peace
So tell me stupid man
Why do you wish war
So much?

Hope you like them ^_^ and thanks for the reviews everyone

huumm ok
I see where the peice is comming from but the wording does not move me exclatly (it may be that my minds not into it tonight I'm not sure)

I think that's why, you are usually a bit more joyful while writing a review, you wrote a lot of "humms" yesterday, and "hummmm" for me it's like (I don't want to read your crappy lyrics or I'm tired). Not trying to be offensive at all, that's just the way I take that


Hm... I want to give it a 6. Now, I'm not trying to be mean, or anything. xD Remember that a 5 is average, so I thought it was above average. I don't know. I just wasn't feeling it. Maybe I'm not in the right mood for a song like this (Yes, I have to be in the right mood to really feel a song). I can definitely relate to the words, and I mean by every word--but I just couldn't feel it in my soul. I'm not trying to be harsh, though. It was still a good song. :3

No prob, I know this isn't one of my best songs, I've done better, and I wasn't really feeling the words, just one or two phrases such as the one that moe mentioned (BTW: sorry for the delay mate, I still have problems with you send it... I feel so n00b) anyways, you are not being harsh at all, you are just being cocky since you wrote a marvelous piece ¬¬ j/k

[jkingler]

Before I break it down for you, Grak, I will state my opinion very briefly: I really like the first one, but the second one not as much.

I think everyone can relate to, or at least empathize with that untitled first entry. The word was good, the pacing was spot on, and the overall feeling of rejection and a resulting despondency were clearly conveyed to me. I give it 8/10 (because the lines, if this is a song and not a poem or spoken word, were a little jumpy, and the rhythm a bit off). Also, and I am not sure this would work for everyone, but if you repeated the last line I think it would be more effective in a song. So it would be like this:

Cause I won't be breathing anymore
I won't be breathing anymore...

The second song could be reworded and overall reworked to great effect, but as it stands it is a bit weak. I can tell that you weren't really putting your heart in it, and that is why it gets a low score from me. 6/10.

I think I don't really write music, since none of the lyrics I've wrote until now have come with a tune to my head, I only express my feelings and that's it, that's why they don't have any "music flow" in them, but ever since I found this thread I wanted to post my words here (and I'm now aware that there are some poem thread, but I just enjoy writing here now XD)

While it is true what you say, that your songs are sometimes more poetic than rhythmic, that could work for certain artists. Not all songs, in lyric form, have an obvious rhythm. That is where performance and creativity come into play! And besides, even if you just want to write poems, I want you to stay.

On the whole, I think we have better material and better writers here on the Words thread than in the Poetry Thread. You provide some of that material. You are one of those writers :thumbs

Without further adieu, here's another one from NF's most prolific and most frequently posting songsmith, me--myself :P

You make everything just right

V1: When the sun is out
Without a cloud in the sky
It’s still raining hard inside

And no light outdoors
Can penetrate the gloom
That permeates my room

I just ate but I’m starving
I’m alive but I’m dying
I’m awake but I’m dreaming

B1: And I dream of seeing you…

C1: You’re not just the sun
You’re my whole sky
And you’re always on my mind

Without you fires don’t burn
And my wheels won’t turn
Until you’re by my side

V2: It’s raining now
But I’m dry as a drought
And I’m slowly drying out

The moisture out there
Evaporates in this air
But I can’t even care

I’ll drink but be thirsty
But that’s not the worst thing
When I’m without you I’m wasting

B2: Now I’m wasting without you…

C2: You’re not just rain
You’re my only water
And you’re ways I’ll never alter

The whole world could change
But if you stayed the same
And with me, I’d never falter

V3: It stays dark in here
And life’s stark my dear
I’m a farce when you’re not near

But the light creaks through
When I see you
And your presence clears the gloom

Now alive and awake
I don’t hunger or thirst
I’m perfect from the first

B3: You make me perfect from the first…

F: With the warmth that you bring
All the ice starts to thaw
This world is without flaw

When you’re with me my core
Starts to warm and I burn
And my world starts to turn

Now there’s both sun and rain
‘Cause you’re my sea and sky
You’re all that’s on my mind

When I’m with you I find
That everything is fine
You make everything just right...

That is a song I wrote for--yep, you guessed it!--my girlfriend. I am making her an album, and I will give it to her tomorrow (:amazed), but I needed another song with at least a happy resolution. I am not as good at and I don't as frequently write happy songs, so I had to adjust the balance a bit! Tell me what you think. --Joe

[grakul]

On the whole, I think we have better material and better writers here on the Words thread than in the Poetry Thread. You provide some of that material. You are one of those writers :thumbs

*Cries and squeals in joy*

I give it 8/10 (because the lines, if this is a song and not a poem or spoken word, were a little jumpy, and the rhythm a bit off)

thx for the comments Joe (since you call me Grak, I'll call you Joe lol) he he, And yeah, I must confess I don't write songs at all, just some metaphores to express feelings, that's all, no music since I don't really play any instruments... And I thought of leaving here, but to be honest, I like to get reviews from you, aslan, moe and the others, I feel like a part of this very special thread now (unless you want me out ppl XD), and I would like to continue writing here, even if some of my words don't really make it into songs XD


ok, now into the c+c... Well I can really tell that the girl is driving you mad, you really seems inspired, now, I will review this from MY point of view, so don't get my wrong, just that happy love songs aren't for me, I like depressinh stuff (yeah, and depressed and listen to depressing music,what a wonderful way to make things better huh?)... But anyways, It's obvios that you wrote that especially for her, and that you are really in love... with words (sorry couldn't help the crappy joke)... But it's a nice song, have a lot of phrases but the overall feeling is: "I love you, I need you, Don't leave me or I'll kill myself", he he, I feel the same way, the thing is she rejected me so that's why I'm unhappy, but it is a nice song if you are going to give it to a girl (BTW: really hope she likes your album :smile-big)

[Catatonik]

Retribution

Over fields of poppy
Across the graves of war
I can see the souls of the dead
I can’t take it anymore..
I can’t take it
I can’t take it
ANYMORE

Soaring through the shadows
Like an angel of retribution
Rising up from the depths of hell
To Strike down those who warrant me
For I am the final light
The eternal night
Here to make you pay
For the crime you have committed
The crime of having existed

Fear the rage I wield
The anger that clouds
The sword of justice
The claws of the hell hounds
I strike without warning
I destroy without feeling
This is your punishment
Vengeance for dealing
With the devil
The lord of darkness
The part of your own soul
Consumed by blackness
The emptiness of the void
Where all that is destroyed
Remains for all time endless
Like a black hole in the heart
Drawing in all the warmth
Releasing nothing but greed
I have had enough
I give you what you deserve
The cold embrace of my mistress
The kiss of oblivion
The one and only end
Sent to the dark lady
Beautiful and cold queen of the dead

Across fields of poppy
Over the graves of war
I hear the cries of the damned
I serve forever more.
I serve
Forever more….


Not sure where I am going with this track musically, very likely in a death meatl, heavy/slow alternating route...vocally, it needs to people to do the echoing effect (which I didn't include in the lyrics)

[grakul]

Not sure where I am going with this track musically, very likely in a death meatl, heavy/slow alternating route...vocally, it needs to people to do the echoing effect (which I didn't include in the lyrics)

I thought so, the lyrics are just perfect for that, are kinda agressive (not in a: "OMG BAN HIM" type) but they are not happy words for sure, I'd like to hear this kind of songs recorded, the music in agressive lyrics seems to help a lot on transmitting the feeling needed, good over all, but I enjoyed your last work the better ^_^

To aslan and moe: Don't forget to review songs by joe and me, we both are review whores... At least I am XD

[Catatonik]

My last one....you mean Deathbringer?

:D I have a severe case of CRS

(Can't Remember Shit)

[grakul]

Ha Ha Ha!!, yeah I'm talking about that one, and don't worry CRS it's a common sickness

[Catatonik]

Hey sinners
Have I got some news for you
It’s not too late to repent
Help is on it’s way.

Heaven is only a social security cheque away
For the low cost of the price of living
I’ll be your personal forgiving
Saint
I’ll clear you of your sins
You know it’s true
You’ve seen me on your television
With my Rolex and Thousand dollar Armani Suit
You know I perform miracles
They’re broadcast every Sunday

1 800 Redemption
I will wipe away your every sin
1800 Redemption
I will guarantee your way in
Or your money back

From coast to coast I travel
Preaching the Lords message
Fire and brimstone
Blood and tears
I tell you what you want to hear
I’ll tell you Satan walks among us
And evil is all around
I’ll scream and rant
About vice and sin
And all the while
The money keeps flowing in
I’ll tell you how once
I was evil and poverty stricken
Until the good Lord told me
How to clear you of your sins

1800 redemption
The price is never too high
1 800 Redemption
I will help your immortal soul fly
Or your money back

You’ll never hear
About the hookers, cocaine and beer
The endless nights of debauchery
Or the bruises on my wifes face
I’m a servant of the Lord
And I’ve dedicated my life
To sucking up your hard earned cash
In return for empty promises
Packaged with glitter and flash

1 800 Redemption
I say with a grin
1 800 redemption
Let me guarantee a death free of sin
Or your money back


I don't normally post like this, but I just found this one and I remember how this one is supposed to go. Jazzy, almost poppy style metal. Upbeat, bouncing, probably with a sax or a harmonica. :) Those of you who are Religious, don't hate me, it's a commentary on Televangelists, not the religion itself.

[grakul]

I love songs that have anti-religion phrases, this one it's a really fun one, full of sarcasm and making fun of the living style in today's world, It's good, I liked it a lot, and I'm not religious XD

[Catatonik]

I want it to start out with a cheesy metal scream. Hey..siiinneeeeeeeerrrrrrrrsssssss

Then kick into a sax/harmonica driven beat, quickly over taken by a guitar riff that keeps you bobbing your hjead.

[jkingler]

Catatonik: Wooot! I like that one a lot, Catatonik (can I call you cat?)

Let me guarantee a death free of sin
Or your money back


That is so good, and it is hilarious (in a black humor kind of way). I don't want to explain how it is funny, cuz then it won't be, but if someone needs me to I will.

And this:
Preaching the Lords message
Fire and brimstone
Blood and tears
I tell you what you want to hear

Too true, too true. Good stuff, man. I agree with the message, I think you put it in a clever and interesting way, and I think it would go excellent to a Squirrel Nut Zippers kind of song. This is easily my fave of your posts thus far. I give it 8.5/10.

EDIT: I am also not religious, and televangelists make me wanna fu**in puke.

[Catatonik]

Thanks man, it's one of my faves, and I think, once I can actually put it too music, it will really flow...

[jkingler]

THE NEXT POST IS GOING TO BE A MONSTROUS POST, BECAUSE IT IS A 9 SONG ALBUM!!! (You have been warned). Please, don't go into depth on each song, since they have all (except the last one above) been reviewed by now. Just let me know what you think as far as flow and story development. The album tells a story. See if it makes sense to you, andlet me know what you think! --Jkingler

[jkingler]

NOTE TO MODS: I had to DP here, because I couldn't fit it all in one post (10071 chars, and the limit is 10000).

TRACK 1:
The Boy in the Well

Trapped in isolation
In a deep, narrow well
There’s no fenestration
Save the Oculus above

Air is scarce and stale
It’s so cold that it burns
No light and I’ve turned pale
While freezing in this Hell

Inner conflagration
This flame I thought had died
Unsought confirmation
That I am still Alive

Yet I claw to Escape
This solid, stony cell
I grip and pull and scrape
And carom towards the top

I can see the capstone
Beyond the dazzling light
I know I’m almost Home
Now just beyond this hold

And as I reach the Gloam
I make out the summit
Soon I won’t be alone

I plunge up but plummet!

My hot, hot hands burned out
I should have used my Eyes
The cobbled wall smoothed out
The light blinks out of sight

I shouldn’t be surprised
This place always plays tricks
It’s never the same twice
Except that I’m in It

As I fall I think on
The times I’ve failed before
It’s so Sisyphean
There will always be more

TRACK 2:
Mobius Loop

I wake up
See this desiccated
Creature before me

Who is he
This old man?
Get’m away from me!

I reach out
And push him feebly
Push him away

My palm’s met
With cold, hard glass
The mirror falls and breaks

How did I~
How did I get here?
Is he really me?

How do I~
How do I make this
Go a-way?

All I saw
Was a shabby shill
A hollowed shell of me

And last I
Remembered
I wasn’t quite so gray

Can’t be me
I don’t remember
Being this way

But I can’t
Can’t remember
Much of anything

Who am I~
Who am I here?
Am I really me?

How can I~
How can I make me
Make sense to me?

I just need
Someone to talk to
Somebody who I know

But my friends
Are all long gone
Dust in the wind

My love left
She’s long gone, too
People do pass on

Yet I’m here
A failed memento
A relic lingering on

Why am I~
Why am I still here?
All alone

When was I~
When was I abandoned
By everyone?

But in walks
Some young man waving
Who’s he supposed to be?

He knows me
But I don’t know him
“Grandpa” he pleads

There’s no way
I don’t believe him
He can’t be so old

He’s the age
My daughter is
Time doesn’t fold!

All lies, lies~
Everyone here’s a liar
Especially me

Why will I~
Why will I end this
End this way?

TRACK 3:
Lost at Sea

Where are the waves you liked to ride,
that fresh foam on your face?
When did the currents pull you under
the tide’s ebb and flow?

Now you hide underneath the tide
dragged into that small place
Why not resist it and swim harder?
Don’t go to down below

Breach the surface, I’m on your side
Don’t sink into inner space

"But the sea is so strong," you yell,
"Tried so long…can’t resist…"
You whisper “this sea inside me’s
cold, not warm, Atlantic, not Pacific!"
You whimper when it doesn’t quell
“Not strong…can’t resist it!”
Oh, but you make those tides, that sea
Paint them pessimistic

Slanted-sight sees the sea as fell
Just open your eyes, it’s what you make it!

But you just won’t see the whole sea
The swirls and calms; swells and respites
Your small sea swallows all your yells
Your crying—I never heard it

TRACK 4:
Blue and Green

The bright northern lights flash
As the world darkens in a flood
I can see after the world’s crash
Despite eyes stoppered by blood

I can’t tell my up from down
My whole world is in flux
And I struggle not to drown
As I strain to see the crux

But crimson waves submerge me
The waters of regret run deep
Weighed down by my melancholy
I sink and I sink and I steep

I reach the lowest lows of my nadir
I simply have no more fight
Resigned, I embrace the water
But just as I give up I see light

Bright blue and green coruscations
Meet my vision from the surface
These radiant constellations
Re-attune me to my purpose

The ocean becomes a rippling mirror
As I look away from my weak foundations
I swim up for air with true vigor
Renewed, I break through my shotty self-imitation

I breach the foam and I cry
With my first breath of crisp air
She wipes the crust from each eye
And looks in each with great care

I meet her gaze and gasp anew
At this familiar sight, this deja-vu
I look closer and I know it’s you
I see two eyes: one green, one blue

TRACK 5:
You make everything just right

When the sun is out
Without a cloud in the sky
It’s still raining hard inside

And no light outdoors
Can penetrate the gloom
That permeates my room

I just ate but I’m starving
I’m alive but I’m dying
I’m awake but I’m dreaming

And I dream of seeing you…

You’re not just the sun
You’re my whole sky
And you’re always on my mind

Without you fires don’t burn
And my wheels won’t turn
Until you’re by my side

It’s raining now
But I’m dry as a drought
And I’m slowly drying out

The moisture out there
Evaporates in this air
But I can’t even care

I’ll drink but be thirsty
But that’s not the worst thing
When I’m without you I’m wasting

Now I’m wasting without you…

You’re not just rain
You’re my only water
And you’re ways I’ll never alter

The whole world could change
But if you stayed the same
And with me, I’d never falter

It stays dark in here
And life’s stark my dear
I’m a farce when you’re not near

But the light creaks through
When I see you
And your presence clears the gloom

Now alive and awake
I don’t hunger or thirst
I’m perfect from the first

You make me perfect from the first…

With the warmth that you bring
All the ice starts to thaw
This world is without flaw

When you’re with me my core
Starts to warm and I burn
And my world starts to turn

Now there’s both sun and rain
‘Cause you’re my sea and sky
You’re all that’s on my mind

When I’m with you I find
That everything is fine
You make everything just right...

TRACK 6:
Eternally

Infinity, eternity, eternally
Exactly what are these words to me?
They’re just that, only that: words to me

No, I can’t promise me
Until the end of time, you see
’Cause that far off, well, I just can’t see

But I promise I’ll be here right now
Right now right here, no, never you fear
Long as I live I’ll be near--don’t fear

But eternity, no I just can’t see
To say it is to lie, deny mortality
Tragically, eternity denies my mortality

Actions speak, their words a fact
Actions are real, so I’d rather act
My love is loyal, and it’s no act

I won’t leave you ‘til I leave me
I’ll love you until I cease to be
As long as I’m here, a ‘we’ we’ll be

Eternity, eternally, that can’t be
Those words are just empty words to me
Hollow words in the wind—they’re just not me

But I won’t leave you ‘til I leave me
I’ll love you until I cease to be
As long as I’m here, a ‘we’ we’ll be

TRACK 7:
Listen Love

Listen love
Listen love
Listen love

Oh, listen love
Listen love
Listen love

Listen love
Just listen to me
Listen as we
Lie here endlessly

Listen love
Listen love
Listen love

Oh now listen love
Listen to my heart
When it beats there’s no end,
Oh no, now there’s no start

Can you hear it love
Hear it love
Hear it love?

Oh my heart
Now it beats so hard
It beats irregular
It hurts so bad, oh, ‘cause it’s so scarred

But just listen love
Listen love
Oh now listen love
Listen love

Now I hear your heart
Beating next to mine
I know we’ll never part
’Cause our hearts coincide

Oh you listen love
Listen love
Listen love

I’ll always listen love
Listen love
Listen love

Now we listen love
Listen love
Listen love

Always

TRACK 8:
No Time for Dreamin’

Gettin’ sleepy?
Don’tcha leave me
Don’tcha dare do it, hun

Let’s lay together
A little longer
Let’s have us a little fun

No, there’s no time for dreamin’
When I get this feelin’
Love, our lovin’s barely begun

The way you’ve got me feelin’
Can’t believe that I’m not dreamin’
Love, our lovin’s barely begun

I love you lady
Lady you’re lovely
Love me and love me anew

Oh, life’s so lovely
When love’s so lively
I’m livin’ for lovin’ you

No, there’s no time for dreamin’
When I get this feelin’
Love, our lovin’s barely begun

The way you’ve got me feelin’
Can’t believe that I’m not dreamin’
Love, our lovin’s barely begun

Baby, I love you
I’ll never leave you
Let’s just love the whole day through

I love you, baby
Oh, love I need you
I’m in love with lovin’ you

TRACK 9:
Let's Idle Awhile

I like to dangle my feet
Over the edge of my seat
Not making contact with the ground below

But you just jump down
Hit the ground running
You push on and go—You live like an echo

Let’s compromise…
Let’s idle awhile...
Chasing time’s so fruitless; Just chill, enjoy the juices

When we lose some time
Let’s not chase it all day
When you chase time you chase your days away

Time moves too fast
All we do becomes the past
Our time only lasts in our memories

No, we can't catch time
No matter how fast we run
So let’s both sit back and collect recollections

A memory gained outweighs
A morning gone...
So if you ask me I’d say that time’s loss is our gain

Why do people run through life
When they know it’s not a footrace?
Step too lightly in life and you leave it without a trace

Let’s stay up here awhile
And look down at our feet
Just our feet in our shoes and all our lives before us

Let’s reflect on what we’ve done
Let’s enjoy the moment
Let’s both jump down and make footprints everywhere

Make memories with each motion
And together remember each
Let’s leave our marks in the turf...Let's prove we were here on this earth

[aslan]

ok man I'm putting you in a studio

that's all I need to say on that

now a much awaited update from the mind of aslan

name: You'll see

V1
your so far away yet I want you here
here to warm my heart and so I can press you near
to me, to me

V2
if I could just hold your hand or brush your finger tips
look into your eyes or kiss your lovly lips
I'd be, you'll see

Chorus:
that I am so
in love
yes I'm so
in love

V3
you wanderin my thoughts around around my mind
it breaks my focus and turns around my time
to you, to you

V4
and here I sit and think with a foolish grin
thinking where I am now that I let you in
I am, you'll see

(chorus)

V5
I sit in my chair reading every word you write
how it warms my heart and leads to the night
I sleep, I dream

V6
I image your smile, your eyes and you lips
I wish you could hear my voice as I say this
I'd be, you'll see

(chorus)

[Catatonik]

Dying Mother

A world of beauty
Raped
Torn up
Stripped down
Burned

Millions of lives extinguished in the name of progress
As the world turns

Metal beasts rip her veins out
Searching for her hearts blood
Sooty orange flames shoot up to the sky
As metal fangs dig deep

We can’t hear her screams of pain
Deafened by thoughts of gain

Down under the great reef dies
The dark continent echoes with childrens cries
The rainforests burn as the new world churns
With blood and fire
The great white north is slowly being stripped

The terms of extinction draw near with every passing day
The skin of the mother burns so the corporations can play
I can see the destruction every which way
It is time for us to say
ENOUGH

Pesticide, Insecticide, Genocide, Suicide
It’s time to decide to let the profits slide
Or we will not survive


Pure vitriolic lashing out at our consumerism rape of the earth.

Kind of hypocritical to post this using a computer though....

ah well.

[Inochi no Fushigi]

Dying Mother

A world of beauty
Raped
Torn up
Stripped down
Burned

Millions of lives extinguished in the name of progress
As the world turns

Metal beasts rip her veins out
Searching for her hearts blood
Sooty orange flames shoot up to the sky
As metal fangs dig deep

We can’t hear her screams of pain
Deafened by thoughts of gain

Down under the great reef dies
The dark continent echoes with childrens cries
The rainforests burn as the new world churns
With blood and fire
The great white north is slowly being stripped

The terms of extinction draw near with every passing day
The skin of the mother burns so the corporations can play
I can see the destruction every which way
It is time for us to say
ENOUGH

Pesticide, Insecticide, Genocide, Suicide
It’s time to decide to let the profits slide
Or we will not survive


Pure vitriolic lashing out at our consumerism rape of the earth.

Kind of hypocritical to post this using a computer though....

ah well.

Why hasn't anyone replied to this?! Bah, guess I'll do it.

I loved this... a lot. For one reason or another, I've been reading/writing a few songs/poems about people against society. Out of them all, this one reigns as the best. All in all, I don't know if I found song-like qualities in it (set rhythm, timing, etc.), but I wasn't necessarily looking, either. I spent most of my time drinking in the actual words.

Very, very nice work. Whenever I rejuvinate myself (I need a frickin' nap >.<), I'll come back and reread it a few times for timing and such. Of course, that's not needed. I just want to know if I can find it. =)

10/10

[NaRa]

A little something i wrtoe.Its probably the first thing i've actually written seriously
I was listenin to your hand in mine and this story popped to mind.Bout a relationship thats ended and its effects.opinions would be appreciated!i kinda lost the flow half through it though..

When i look back on these memories.
These Feelings
How they made my heart Race.
It made me Think of you
These feelings always come with the smile of your face

Now when i look back I think how
It's in the past
It's in the past
and its all that i need to get me through the day
These memories.

I've always read right through you
I saw the inevitable
i saw the unavoidable
I saw the hurt in your expression despite your smile
Hiding it
Shielding it
Yielding everyone close from seeing it

And now though I regret not acting
Not giving it my full attention
Thinking naively that maybe i should let you have
a little time to yourself
when really all you really needed was someone's help
My help

Thats come and gone your happy now
and even though i wish i could reverse my actions
i recieved a gift from the expierience.
These memories

I cherish them
And how they get me through the day
The way i would get you through yours.

[jkingler]

That song is so sad! I can't say I have had that same expereince, but your words were powerful enough to help me relate to how you feel about it. The regret you feel is palpable, and the overthinking of your past is hard to miss and hard to ignore. I know what it means to live in the past, because I do it from time to time myself. I am sure you already know that regrets are heavier than the weight of the world, and I hope since writing your song you have found some peace.

I give your song a 7.5/10, for the flow issue you have already mentioned, but if you clean it up you would easily get an 8 or higher. Great job, NaRa. Keep it up!

Your talk of memories and the past inspired me to continue a piece I had been working on already. It is about me and my girlfriend. She was raised in Suburban Happyland, and her parents are so nice! It is really a thing to behold. I, on the other hand, grew up in a trailer park, with a drug addict for a father, his junkie friends always over at the house making noise, stealing, etc; and a depressed mother who slept through most of it; all the while the house was in shambles. This is a song about us and how we relate to the past: our own and each other's:

Reconcilable Differences

My past sometimes still haunts me
I jump up, in a cold sweat I wake
The shoulds, the woulds, the could-bes
All my wrongs and all of my mistakes

While you've lived a life so charmed
Everything so pretty and so clean
You were never wronged and never harmed
Your pristine life has just been so serene

Then fate threw us together
And helplessly in love we fell
Tied up tightly like a tether
Straddling heaven and hell

Now you feel so guilty
For the wholesome home you had enjoyed
Envying my tragedy
You melt with me and you're alloyed

I am just so jealous
Of the ease you've always known
I guess I'm overzealous
To move past my past and pass my own

But we should move beyond this
Move beyond what is unchangeable
We can't touch it, it's in stasis
The past's impervious, impregnable

Turn away, soldier, and about face!
And lady, please avert your eyes
We can't live in each other's place
All we can hope to do is neutralize

Don't fret everything before
Everything back then's our history
The future's an open door
What's beyond it is our mystery

[Catatonik]

The songs flow along on a simple a,b,a,b pattern that while catchy...I find lacks depth to it. Some of the lines are really cool and interesting, but the simplistic nature of it doesn't inspire a lot of musical challenge :)

6/10 :)

Examination Warning this song may contain lyrics that offend.

It's 1 AM
I'm waiting in the doctors office
again
I'm sitting on the examination table
wearing nothing more than a hospital gown
the nurse was very proffesional
when she told me to put the damn thing on
but I stll can't escape the feeling
she was laughing inside

The doctor will be with you in a minute
she says before leavinf
uncomfortably I wander around
reading posters and picking up instruments
suddenly the door handle clicks
nervously I retreat to the table and sit
I look him up and down
and almost shit
my first rectal examination
and each of his fingers is bigger than my dick!

His smile is genial enough
and his credentials speak for themselves
but I just can't get over the fact
that his hands are so damn massive

(chorus 1)
Cold and exposed
Lying on the examination table
In virtually no clothes
It's time for my examination
Rectal invasion
Proctological penetration!!

Few sounds can cause as much terror
as the blood curdling snap of latex gloves
or the heart stopping words
please roll over
in a pleasant tone he tells me
of the bizarre objects he's had to remove
golf balls, candlesticks, cucumbers and once
an over sized peach pit
it's all meant tp o put me at ease
to help me relax
but it doesn't work
cause I know he's going to invade my ass

He tells me to breathe in deep
to think of something else
I don't know about the rest of you
but when a man with sausage sized fingers
is preparing to violate my precious backside
it's hard not to dwell on that fact
no matter how hard I try...

(Chorus 1)

Twenty minutes later as the spots begin to fade
I hear the sound of gloves coming off
and he tells me I have a spongy prostate
but it's nothing to worry about
nothing a change of diet won't fix
as I start to get dressed I swear to myself
that I'll never go through this again
three massive fingers write out my new diet
as I try to ignore the ache in my rear
jovially he gives me the prescription
and claps me on the shoulder with a grin
my blood suddenly goes cold when he says
see you next month for your follow up examination...

(Chorus 2)
Cold and exposed
Lying on the examination table
With my face dow
And my ass exposed to a stranger
It's time for my examination
Rectal invasion
Protological penetration

It's hard not to cry
not to curl up and die
when you're face down ass up
with another man standing behind you
telling you calmly
what he's about to do
my only real reccomendation
to another man in my place
have a couple shots of Tequila before had
and maybe a joint as well
to help you relax
and escape that cold, white and sterile hell

(Chrous 2)

:D

[NaRa]

haha thanx for the opinion dude.glad you liked it.Thats probably the first timei ever wrote something without getting stuck.I think i lost flow because my program switched songs on me lol.iwas flowing and then baqm it changed to a completely diff song.

I'll give my opinion on yours and catatoniks when i get home.I'm to tired to read it thourallly and put my heart in it.lol.I'm gladi could inspire you though!

[jkingler]

The songs flow along on a simple a,b,a,b pattern that while catchy...I find lacks depth to it. Some of the lines are really cool and interesting, but the simplistic nature of it doesn't inspire a lot of musical challenge

6/10

I agree with everything you said. It wasn't complicated at all and I kind of mentally shat it out (comp crashed, too lazy to save it by email :P). I would probably give it the same score. My lyrics were meaningful, but my structure and flow, I felt, were a bit trite.

As for yours--hilarious! I hope it was intended to be funny. I know exactly what you mean. Those exams are the worst! I would prefer a female doctor, since they tend to have smaller hands, except for the fact that I don't really want a woman to suffer sticking her hand up my hairy you-know-what :laugh.

Your song definitely reminded me of King Missile, and I could see them singing it very easily, so you get 8/10.

[Catatonik]

:D Indeed, it was meant to be humorous, I was imaging putting it to Primus.Faith No MOre style music.

[grakul]

Damn, that's based on a true story Catatonik? XD, it was a really funny song (literally), laughed a lot, it's so bizarre

[jkingler]

^I imagine it is at least in part based on true facts. That really does happen :(

Once again: congrats on your funny song :thumbs

[grakul]

^I imagine it is at least in part based on true facts. That really does happen :(

Once again: congrats on your funny song :thumbs

I think we both just spammed 'cause we really want to read something in here XD

(just spammed again) ^____^

EDIT: Well, not really

Stupid "Oh I'm so sad" song ALERT

I'm crawling
Looking at the ground
Looking at a trail
Made by my blood and tears

I'm crawling
Trying to run away
From danger
From the reality
That now yells at me
And reminds me that

I can't protect you
Or keep you away from danger
I can't stand in front of you
And fight away your sadness
'Cause I'm afraid,
I'm weak,
I'm a coward,
'Cause when the time comes
I even doubt about loving you

I'm crawling
Breathing heavily
Getting ready to run
And to leave you behind
But getting to know knowing
This pathetic part of myself
The one that promised you
To lend you a hand
To allow you to cry
And just be there for you
But in the end can't do anything
I must say
I really don't wish
To stay alive

[jkingler]

^I like it, grak. Really, I do. Very good stuff. It reminds me of Hoobastank, or at least of their better songs, and I can hear them performing as I read your lyrics. Was that the sort of music you were going for?

Regardless, the lyrics highly relatable (to me, atleast); they stand on their own without relying on meter, rhyme, or any other structure that I detect; and they are very expressive of the feeling you tried to convey.

My only problem with this song is the ending. I feel like it lacks oomph, and that you should add some more lines before wrapping up the song, but I could be wrong. See if you agree with me.

As it stands: 7.5/10.

[grakul]

thx for the feedback Joe, and I agree with you that maybe it could use some lines, but if you actually check at my other works, you'll see that nearly all of them lack of a chorus, or many verses, maybe I do write more like poems or so XD, but to make it a song, yeah, it'll need some more lines (many of my lyrics)

[jkingler]

^No need for a chorus or anything like that. Many good songs are without choruses. Just a few lines to better transition into your ending. Sure, your feelings up until the ending make your conclusion make sense--I just felt it was a bit abrupt. Seeing as you say "this pathetic part of myself" I thought you would describe that part of yourself for a line or two, to help explain what about it leads you to want to cease living. Hope that clarified things. :)

[grakul]

I see, let me check it out... So it may end like this (new lines are pointed)

I'm crawling
Breathing heavily
Getting ready to run
And to leave you behind
But getting to know knowing
This pathetic part of myself
The one that promised you
To lend you a hand
To allow you to cry
And just be there for you
But in the end can't do anything
I must say
I really don't wish
To stay alive

It may not be really, great, since it's improvised, but ah well

[jkingler]

^I like that better. What fo the rest of you guys think? *Crickets*

Anyone? :huh

[grakul]

XD, I'll wait for a day or two, most likely "Aslan the powerful" will come and review that, but for now thanks joe, and yeah, we are the only ones posting so far, it's like a freakin conversation

BTW: Moe takes his time to arrive here too XD, I'll edit the lyrics on the first post

[aslan]

Stupid "Oh I'm so sad" song ALERT

I'm crawling
Looking at the ground
Looking at a trail
Made by my blood and tears

I'm crawling
Trying to run away
From danger
From the reality
That now yells at me
And reminds me that

I can't protect you
Or keep you away from danger
I can't stand in front of you
And fight away your sadness
'Cause I'm afraid,
I'm weak,
I'm a coward,
'Cause when the time comes
I even doubt about loving you

I'm crawling
Breathing heavily
Getting ready to run
And to leave you behind
But getting to know knowing
This pathetic part of myself
The one that promised you
To lend you a hand
To allow you to cry
And just be there for you
But in the end can't do anything
I must say
I really don't wish
To stay alive

good good

I'm a little heavy in the eye lids right now (been so busy this week almost went into a comma ya know)

I'm really kinda partial to borken thoughts in song writing kinda gives stress to the roght words if you leave out a adverb or adajtive form time to time

flows good
structure's good

I give the same as joe did

7.5/10

[jkingler]

^A conversation? Pretty much :laugh. But wait: I have a song!

untitled

i sit
and i wait
and i hope for the end
of the world and the end of me

because
existence
it just feels so pointless
i atrophy...i'm apathy

don't care
what's the use
i don't have an excuse
except that I'm bored of living

i don't
understand
why the world keeps turning
or why my heart is still beating

i'm numb
and i'm dumb
and i won't say a thing
there's nothing worth saying at all

this world
is hopeless
now sucks fuck tomorrow
just make everything go away

but i sit
and do nothing
and i'd feel suicidal
if i could feel anything at all...

Nothing much. Just a quick write. Hope you like it, Grak :P
Note: lack of capitalization was intentional!

[grakul]

Yeah, it's not like the deepest thing in the world, but it is nice to read, and well some ppl do have sucidal thoughts out of the fuckin' blue... I mean, I've said sometimes (as a joke mostly) "I'm going to kill myself so I can avoid to get bored" but then found out about NarutoFan XD, it's nice for a quick write, and the short sentences make it lighter

BTW: See about Aslan? (thx mate, appreciate your comments)

[Ryu]

The Cardigans - Lovefool

Artist: The Cardigans
Words: Persson, Svensson
Music: Svensson

Dear, I fear we're facing a problem
you love me no longer, I know
and maybe there is nothing
that I can do to make you do
Mama tells me I shouldn't bother
that I ought to stick to another man
a man that surely deserves me
but I think you do!

So I cry, and I pray and I beg

Love me love me
say that you love me
fool me fool me
go on and fool me
love me love me
pretend that you love me
leave me leave me
just say that you need me

So I cried, and I begged for you to
Love me love me
say that you love me
leave me leave me
just say that you need me
I can't care about anything but you

Lately I have desperately pondered,
spent my nights awake and I wonder
what I could have done in another way
to make you stay
Reason will not reach a solution
I will end up lost in confusion
I don't care if you really care
as long as you don't go

So I cry, I pray and I beg

Love me love me
say that you love me
fool me fool me
go on and fool me
love me love me
pretend that you love me
leave me leave me
just say that you need me

So I cried, and I begged for you to
Love me love me
say that you love me
leave me leave me
just say that you need me
I can't care about anything but you

Love me love me
say that you love me
fool me fool me
go on and fool me
Love me love me
I know that you need me
I can't care about anything but you

[jkingler]

^I have always loved that song. :thumbs

I give it a 9/10 (even though it is professionally written, I am a harsh rater)

[jkingler]

^Beautiful couplet! Is there more where that came from? :D

[jkingler]

^I'll take that as a "no," my oblique amigo :thumbs
Have you seen my addition to the Tazmo conspiracy?

[jkingler]

Here is a poem I would like to share with you guys. I didn't write it, but it is amazing and I just want you all to read it if you haven't already had the chance to. It is inspiring to say the least, and deep to be sure. It is just...it just is what it is--read it and see! MOE! YOU REALLY NEED TO READ THIS ONE FOR SURE!!! --Jkingler

"When the clock strikes me..."

An excerpt of a poem
by Saul Williams


when the clock strikes me
people will gather to deconstruct
the myths and fables
that conspired against them
and every new song
will be an antivirus
for an old belief

when the clock strikes me
women will close their doors
jump, dance, and bang the walls
in remembrance of their future selves
while men fight internally
to recall the recipe for freedom

when the clock strikes me
men will recall the recipe for freedom
and will begin to form
rescue teams for dreams deferred

when the clock strikes me
some people will have to die

when the clock strikes me
children will find it cool
to be playful
and adults will find it worthwhile
to play like children

when the clock strikes me
the story of jesus
will simply be told as a children's story
where his name will be replaced
with the name of every newborn
and families will celebrate every birth
as the rebirth of the messiah
and all people will think of all people
as chosen

when the clock strikes me
buddha will still be laughing

when the clock strikes me
the powers of being
will prevail
over the powers that be

when the clock strikes me
thugs and poets will laugh at themselves
businessmen will serve humanity
world leaders will turn to their mothers for advice
and mothers will turn
to their daughters
for inspiration

when the clock strikes me
something will be different
something will feel completely random
the moment will feel slightly eerie
the unexpected will change places
with the predicatable
and life will truly feel like an adventure

when the clock strikes me
no alarm will sound
green streaks of light may mark the night
stray cats may purr
and rub themselves against your ankle
many people will double-blink
and pinch themselves
and those who normally don't
will notice the moon in broad daylight

when the clock strikes me
it will strike you too
and even your cynicism
and concrete analysis
will be brought into question
as the most beautiful stranger
makes herself/himself known to you

when the clock strikes me
your loved ones
will glow with the beauty
of complete strangers
and you will have to
reintroduce yourself to your parents
for they will have never met
the side of you that dances
just because you found an old recipe

when the clock strikes me
you will be sitting someplace
alone or with another
reading this
and we will will both
go off unexpectedly
spines will tingle
eyes will water
and this moment
on this plane
in my favorite jeans
with jimi blaring in my ears
will become NOW
and FOREVERMORE
and more eyes will water
for they will know
and they will feel it
and live it
and they will turn
to the stranger beside them
and say 'you have to read this'
and this will go down in history
as one of those moments
when you knew
that nothing would ever
be the same

[mow]

No though giving to this whatsoever, just wrote it on a whim

I could've sworn I felt you inhale
wonder where you are now
are you still marching in denial?
I should've noticed your skin turning pale
with an upheavaled stance
are you still sipping on vial?

Misery, Why are you so loveless?
Like dry autumn leaves
swiftly set on flames
Tragedy, why are you so heartless?
crashing like hail
against my window frame

A photograph with a matte finish
for the King & Queen of dreary inclination
oh, we all meant to be diminished
yet you still urn for salvation

all I have is "now"
but thanks to misery and tragedy
it's merely a fading instance shared with you

all we have is "now"
many thanks to misery and tragedy
it's entirety lost, since they joined us too

[aslan]

No though giving to this whatsoever, just wrote it on a whim

I could've sworn I felt you inhale
wonder where you are now
are you still marching in denial?
I should've noticed your skin turning pale
with an upheavaled stance
are you still sipping on vial?

Misery, Why are you so loveless?
Like dry autumn leaves
swiftly set on flames
Tragedy, why are you so heartless?
crashing like hail
against my window frame

A photograph with a matte finish
for the King & Queen of dreary inclination
oh, we all meant to be diminished
yet you still urn for salvation

all I have is "now"
but thanks to misery and tragedy
it's merely a fading instance shared with you

all we have is "now"
many thanks to misery and tragedy
it's entirety lost, since they joined us too

I fucking love it

form great
emotion awsome
flow, its all there

10 out of fucking 10 baby!!!

[Catatonik]

Defined by abstract concepts
chained by subliminal messages
we struggle to find our place
in a world that doesn't truly belong to us
held by laws handed down from fictional messiahs

Where is our Promised Land?!
The land of plenty and peace
where is our garden of Eden
why are we stuck in the Land of Nod?
Where is our God?
Do we even care?

Follow
The Agnost Manifesto
Question everything you know
everything you've been told
Know that you can't know
It's the Agnost Manifesto

To prove a point to the Lucifer
The Lord took everything from Job
Stripping him of everything he held dear
Yet his faith endured
the strength in his soul endured
Yet I can't help but wonder
Would a God like that
be worthy of our prayers?

In a world of science and rules
we strive to define the divine
Yet all we find
is more questions
and an absence of the sublime

Question what you know
Follow
the Agnost Manifesto
The Good Book tells you what's so
but you know you can never truly know
Follow
The AGnost Manifesto
Follow
The AGnost manifesto

Surrounded by bloodshed
Hounded by terror
Counfounded by Religion
We are the dissasociated generation
and we follow the Agnost Manifesto

We are the new wave of minds
In a world of fact and supposition
We choose not to be blind

We follow
The Agnost Manifest (x3)



Yes, I have read the bible :)
Infact it was my father becoming a born again Christian (albeit temporarily) that made me doubt everything...I consider myself well educated and it's because I spent many years trying to find answers..

[Hangatýr]

Guess I'll post some of my crap here too... Laugh and I cut of your balls, kthxbai ^^

To have a single shimmer of light, in a realm of darkness.. Such bliss is truly special, even when the darkness lessens. To find a white feather between dark wings is all that's needed to live, to breathe, to find your own piece of heaven...

Everlasting Night and Day.. An eternal struggle between Light and Darkness.. Forever intwined..

Looking at the balance, to stay or to leave, what a dilemma, what a choise...


Yeah, I know.... Short, crappy, cliché, now shut up, j00.... xP

[jkingler]

*Crickets chirp*

YO! Where is everyone?

Anyways...Lord of D: I like it a lot, minus the last last line. And I think you meant entwined or intertwined--either would work :)

The flow was great, the words moved into each other very fluidly...overall, I give it a 7/10. Just lose/fix the last line (didn't flow with the rest, and the words didn't mesh as well as in your other lines) and it will be an 8 :thumbs.

[Ephemeral]

Don't look back because i'll be running the otherway.
Don't look back because i'll be gone...

You don't need me because you deserve better.
I'm just a phase, thats passing by..

I'm not done =/ Still working on it.

[mow]

a poem i sumbitted to a poetry contest here in university. It's shitty, but meh

And my pencil tumbled
crashed to the ground
for on the manuscript
my drink, it has spilled

carelessly soiling
a masterful indite
years of inhibited
scars which, you have pened

curse you crapulence
for you made me sin
damn my frantic, senseless dreads
my errors, I cannot amend

For your mum scripture
curbed partial sketches
of splintered hearts
housed wrangles of dustups
you never dared voice
and hopeful, yet broken darts

browsing through
those soaked pages,
wonder what I’ll read next
My unable mind
Attempts to decipher
Unreadable text

And I am appalled at what I perceived
My last pints of persevered strength
Only allow my quivering hands
to incline against the shelf
My past and present lack of conviction
Has caused such ruefulness,
brought upon your demise
I wish to erase myself

What have I done?
Pushed you towards your fall
And you weren’t even mighty
so please, pass me that gun
poison, knife, any form of self-release
any manner to repent to thee

[SoulFire]

Whats shitty about it?

[mow]

The last verse throws it all off balance =/

[Hangatýr]

I ment to add another line after the last one, but I ran out of inspiration, so yeah... >.> Thanks for the positive comment, though XD

[aslan]

a poem i sumbitted to a poetry contest here in university. It's shitty, but meh

And my pencil tumbled
crashed to the ground
for on the manuscript
my drink, it has spilled

carelessly soiling
a masterful indite
years of inhibited
scars which, you have pened

curse you crapulence
for you made me sin
damn my frantic, senseless dreads
my errors, I cannot amend

For your mum scripture
curbed partial sketches
of splintered hearts
housed wrangles of dustups
you never dared voice
and hopeful, yet broken darts

browsing through
those soaked pages,
wonder what I’ll read next
My unable mind
Attempts to decipher
Unreadable text

And I am appalled at what I perceived
My last pints of persevered strength
Only allow my quivering hands
to incline against the shelf
My past and present lack of conviction
Has caused such ruefulness,
brought upon your demise
I wish to erase myself

What have I done?
Pushed you towards your fall
And you weren’t even mighty
so please, pass me that gun
poison, knife, any form of self-release
any manner to repent to thee


humm appears to me that this is a story of a spilled drink on a writen project/notes (god have I ever been there)

well anywho

love the wording... using words that I've never seen you use very good

the flows there from top to bottom but the structure changes halfway thu to somthing slightly different.

all and all a good work moe keep it up

8.5/10

ps:
sorry for not being here too often life's gotten very busy with getting yet an other band off the ground. also I'm working on a relationship with some one in Kingston Ont. (two provs over) so been busy there as well

[mow]

sorry for not being here too often life's gotten very busy with getting yet an other band off the ground. also I'm working on a relationship with some one in Kingston Ont. (two provs over) so been busy there as well

Ah no problemo mate. Hope everything goes your way :amuse. And thanks for the C&C

[Hangatýr]

Ah no problemo mate. Hope everything goes your way :amuse. And thanks for the C&C

Command & Conquer?.... :blink

[jkingler]

Command and Conquer is a fun game, but I think he meant comments and criticism :amuse

P.S. Yeah, Aslan, I know what you mean. It's a shame when life gets in the way of leisure, eh? I enjoy being productive, but I do miss idling here on the boards for hours on end, just writing and responding.

Gl to you with your band and in your relationship, dude.

[aslan]

yeah thanks guys

I'm now in 4/5 five bands (god it all blend together) and the relationship is going great
she's coming to visit in aug for the whole mth so you guys may not see me at all then ;)

[mow]

Wohoo, go music man :smile-big. Best of luck mate, if anyone desrves a dandy good ol' time, tis you man :amuse

[Hangatýr]

Just make sure you make your little Lee were his green spandex ^-^

[aslan]

thx moe your a good guy and if I was allowed to rep you more I would

Just make sure you make your little Lee were his green spandex ^-^

oh you just earned your self a rep my friend

[Hangatýr]

Sankyuu Aslan XD You just make sure you make some little Musicmans in the distant yet near future, and give them all Stingrays! ;D

[aslan]

Sankyuu Aslan XD You just make sure you make some little Musicmans in the distant yet near future, and give them all Stingrays! ;D

well that sould not be too hard seeing as she's a Musician too (plays flute and getting gutiar lessons) and her family owns a music store....

oh and she's dances lindy/charseton/blues/Bal

damn she's sexy

[Hangatýr]

Don't care much about dancing. But I have a feeling you two'll make beautiful music together ;D ( God that sounded corny XDDDD ) I'm planning on opening a music store in the future aswell. Maybe I can get some young kids to start playing the drums.. >.>

[mow]

These cautionary, phrases like ice shards they do
not aim to to cut our skin. Rather; to prick and remind us
Not to stray of the drawn path, to remain in our modest boots
and as we observe how the frost around us settled
we studied our hateful worngful ways
and our egoistic, dastardly thoughs

This flourishing cold,
can chill your soul,
But I never fear it, no I shall not.

For the joyful sun can save.

Your banjo playing, such a moresful sound
a distant, warm, yet soggy tone
verbalize tales of:
hopless affection,
unyeilding redemtion



a piece from unfinished 2 page song. Its alongthe lines of GSYBE and ASMZ. so it is meant to be flow-less and not meant to be sung, rather spoken

[Hangatýr]

I'm guessing that it's based on your latest experiences, Moe-sama?

[mow]

The 2nd verse,to a certain extent yes, but like I said, this is going to be (at least) 2 pages. Its shaping up to be the story of my life in song :amuse

[Hangatýr]

I look forward to hearing it :amuse And I'd better be in it, or I start burning! ;D

[I ARE 1031]

i wrote this when i was 19.. i think it's the best example of my work...

I'm a crumbly donut
All frayed at the edges.
My frosty glaze is dried up
And flaking on the counter.
There's a little hole in my center
I'm forgotten
The last in the box!
THE LAST DONUT IN THE BOX!
NOBODY LOVE HIM!
THE LAST DONUT IN THE BOX!
HE LIES, FORGOTTEN!
i'm an age-ed donut
a crumbly flaky donut
got teeth marks in my side.
from attempted homicide!
There's a little hole in my center.
I'm unloved, abused and left behind.
ABUSED AND LEFT BEHIND!
NOBODY LOVES ME!
THE LAST DONUT IN THE BOX!
I LIE FORGOTTEN!

Good :laugh ne! HAHAHA...keep it coming!

[jkingler]

Moeeeee! Songs!?! :mad :laugh

I am already doing art now and you're going to inspire me to start making music again?!? Damn NF for turning me into an ersatz artist...I am an art critic (Art History major), so I am really not cut out for this stuff :P

EDIT: Good ole forks. Even when he makes music he does it in a way that is at once lovable in its own right, yet also contemptible for mocking all the things us NF punching bags hold dear XD

[mow]

ah, good ol' forky XD . I love that guy so much :amuse

contined song:

[I]and forth, a fire burnt in our hearts!
it crackled, it lit! It brought tears to our eyes
It steered our dreary minds towards refuge
even thought we were entangled in a
thick, meancing mist

it's graceful hand drew upon aour face a smile
a weary, jaded smile
but all in all, at least we smiled
we chuckled, we grinned, our souls were free
it made us climb immensly dark mountians
and they became merely a few miles

so it was established:
the sun can save, and so can the fire
an attentative word of wisdom, a sound tale of advice

but a knock on the door it came
and a flood of memories crushed through our homes
bittersweet memory of tangible thoughts
Provoking the reason our happiness was lost
and tormented voice it yelped
Revenge! Revenge! Revenge!
Revenge for taking what wasn't yours